For those of you who don't have family help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

I moved less than 10 minutes from my parents to please them as that was as close as we could afford. My parents haven't helped once. Though they expect us to care for them as they age (they were healthy and able to help when the kids were little and my mom is still very healthy). I might see each of them a few times a year at best. They have other priorities.

It helps to work full time when you have family help. My child care fell through at the last minute so I had no other choice to quit as we couldn't afford a nanny on my salary as my salary barely covered day care for one child as a professional with a masters degree. My mom knew and never once offered to help. She did bitterly complain and still does years later that I quit but she hasn't given us a dime, never any presents for birthday parties (and when I say presents even something from dollar tree) and never helped us financially so its none of her business how we structure our family.

I suspect some of your kids have a very strained relationship with you but just humor you. I refuse to humor my parents anymore. I did for years.

Why would you “suspect” that some of my kids have a very strained relationship with me just because you have lousy parents? That’s quite a leap. There is nothing similar between your parents and us based on your description of your parents.

I suspect based off your posts and attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

We had our kids "young" (under 30) and live close to both sets of grandparents. They just aren't interested. So please get down off your high horse.

DP here.
Curious who is to be blamed for this? You, your kids or your parents?

Us too. My parents will not do anything to help, even when I was hospitalized for a week. So, we just stopped asking or needing them. I stayed local to care for them but after how they've treated us over the years, they are on their own. Let my sibling do it who is the POA.

At 60 you are extremely wealthy to retire early.

My parents are 100% to blame.

Oh, they picked the sibling over you? For some reason they did not think you and your children were worthy? Yes, it is what it is but I think they will say that the fault lies with you. It is not easy for parents to forsake a child. Maybe they find you ungrateful and obnoxious. Maybe they do not like your dh. Maybe you are greedy.

Greedy, I don’t take even a penny from my parents as money was always used to control us. We don’t need it anyway. Great fun for what? They haven’t done anything in 30 years. The rare occasion we end up paying, even for their partners and the partners kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents never went on a trip away from us when we were young that I can recall. I don’t remember friends’ parents doing that either. I also only had one friend growing up whose parents were divorced, so apparently most marriages survived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

We had our kids "young" (under 30) and live close to both sets of grandparents. They just aren't interested. So please get down off your high horse.

DP here.
Curious who is to be blamed for this? You, your kids or your parents?

Us too. My parents will not do anything to help, even when I was hospitalized for a week. So, we just stopped asking or needing them. I stayed local to care for them but after how they've treated us over the years, they are on their own. Let my sibling do it who is the POA.

At 60 you are extremely wealthy to retire early.

My parents are 100% to blame.

Oh, they picked the sibling over you? For some reason they did not think you and your children were worthy? Yes, it is what it is but I think they will say that the fault lies with you. It is not easy for parents to forsake a child. Maybe they find you ungrateful and obnoxious. Maybe they do not like your dh. Maybe you are greedy.

Hey PP, your parents found this thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

[Anonymous]

We had kids in our mid 30s and 40s and we don’t live near either of our families. When we had baby #2, my single bff took care of my kid during labor and then our neighbors with a kid took care of him the next day. It was fine.

We hire sitters, when we both have to travel we have had to fly in my DH’s sister or my my bff from Boston to help. We have just made it work.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the PP’s whose parents/in-laws don’t help. Someone asked who is to “blame” and I don’t think really anyone. We are not estranged or anything. We see them for dinners and holidays. They are kind to my kids and buy them holiday gifts, but they don’t offer to babysit or take them out for ice cream or even entertain them when we are around. They are just disinterested. The kids are girls and delightful so it’s not them. They are the same with siblings kids too.

[Anonymous]

We have no family close by and the grandparents are too old to take care of kids for more than a few hours anyway..... Once the kids were eight and nine, we have him stay at my sisters and we flew out of her city for a few days well she watched them for a few days.... Otherwise you just rely on your spouse and partner to get through

[Anonymous]

We are in the same boat and have lots of paid help.

Find a neighbors nanny and see if they’d be willing to babysit weekends/ overnights. It’s expensive but the only way we can travel.

[Anonymous]

We have always lived across the country from our families and never had any help. And no money for paid help. You just learn to make it work. Our kid always goes with us on trips, and it's great. He's very easygoing, likes to travel, loves to go out to eat, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

I moved less than 10 minutes from my parents to please them as that was as close as we could afford. My parents haven't helped once. Though they expect us to care for them as they age (they were healthy and able to help when the kids were little and my mom is still very healthy). I might see each of them a few times a year at best. They have other priorities.

It helps to work full time when you have family help. My child care fell through at the last minute so I had no other choice to quit as we couldn't afford a nanny on my salary as my salary barely covered day care for one child as a professional with a masters degree. My mom knew and never once offered to help. She did bitterly complain and still does years later that I quit but she hasn't given us a dime, never any presents for birthday parties (and when I say presents even something from dollar tree) and never helped us financially so its none of her business how we structure our family.

I suspect some of your kids have a very strained relationship with you but just humor you. I refuse to humor my parents anymore. I did for years.

Why would you “suspect” that some of my kids have a very strained relationship with me just because you have lousy parents? That’s quite a leap. There is nothing similar between your parents and us based on your description of your parents.

I suspect based off your posts and attitude.

I don’t cop this attitude with them. I only cop it with all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always lived across the country from our families and never had any help. And no money for paid help. You just learn to make it work. Our kid always goes with us on trips, and it's great. He's very easygoing, likes to travel, loves to go out to eat, etc.

Having only one is key here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have always lived across the country from our families and never had any help. And no money for paid help. You just learn to make it work. Our kid always goes with us on trips, and it's great. He's very easygoing, likes to travel, loves to go out to eat, etc.

Having only one is key here.

I'm in a similar situation to PP, but I've got two kids and we also make it work. They travel well, especially on road trips. We've never had a nanny or au pair - just daycare/preschool/aftercare during our 9-5 office hours. You can have multiple kids without family help, but it can be really hard at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

Green is such an ugly color.