For those of you who don't have family help...

[Anonymous]

We are in the exact same boat and we just haven't gone anywhere overnight w/o our kid.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have three kids, and while we have some family nearby, we never had a situation where we could drop the kids off and have time to ourselves. As another older parent, I didn't mind. I was happy that we all enjoyed spending time together as a family.

The hardest thing for me was not having any extra layer of protection for emergencies (i.e. what if you partner has to go to the emergency room). This is where your neighbors and friends come in. Cultivate those relationships and offer help to others when you can.

Aside from that, I struggled when people who literally dropped their kids off at grandparents' homes most evenings and every weekend would complain about how busy and tired they were from parenting. At other times, I would compare myself unfavorably to others, asking why they had things together and I didn't, ignoring the fact that those people had extensive family help with their kids. That's a waste of energy.

Eventually, I stopped comparing myself to others and enjoyed my family. As others have said, help from extended family isn't always as good as it seems; in some cases, it's downright toxic.

If time away from your child is important, work on finding a reliable babysitter.

[Anonymous]

The child is very young for you to think about needing some time off and making it a problem. We never left the child's side the first 7 years. DC never had a nanny or a babysitter nor was he in daycare.
Both sets of grandparents live far away, like an ocean away.
We do however have 5 aunts/uncles who take DC for most weekend. But this didn't come about until the age 8. They lived nearby before but we just didn't have the need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my husband and I are 40, and we are happy but sometimes exhausted parents of a lively and wonderful 1-year-old. Being older parents, and DH and I both also having parents who had us later in life, the 4 grandparents are all thankfully alive and loving, but in their late 70-early 80's and in varying states of health. They all love visiting with our kid, but none of them are really capable of watching a toddler on their own for even a pretty short period of time.

So when i hear about friends who are able to drop off their young kids off at grandma's and go away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary, I seethe with jealousy. We wouldn't even be able to do that for a date night. We're probably not going to have another baby, but if we were I'd probably have to stay in the hospital by myself.

I guess I want to hear from others in this situation (or anyone else who has helpful thoughts) on how to deal with this both on an emotional level and a practical one. How to deal with the feelings of disappointment and jealously, and preventing it from turning it into resentment, either towards my parents and IL's who are all honestly lovely, or toward others who have the luxury of young, helpful grandparents?

And then on a practical level, how to compensate for this as much as we can. It's easy for us to trade off to give each other solo breaks, and we can use a babysitter for an evening. But I don't know when we'll ever be to get away by ourselves and be able to relax and reconnect, and I worry about the effect of that on our marriage. At what age is it ok to leave your child with a paid babysitter, or a friend maybe, overnight? I've thought about DH and I taking the day off and doing something fun together while DS is in daycare. Any other strategies?

Its understandable but unproductive. If you didn't have energy or resources, why trap yourself with kids and then resent them and grandparents AND envy ones who planned better or got lucky. Everyone has their own set of struggles, deal with yours. Who forced you to have kids?

[Anonymous]

I have no trouble spending time with my kids. The oldest is leaving for college in August, and I'm glad I got all that time with him. No help. Hardly any babysitting, because it's expensive. No travel without kids. I have no complaints.

If you're the sort of person who is a better parent and spouse when you have some time away from your kids, then you need to budget for paid babysitting. No shame in that!

[Anonymous]

count your blessings, OP. Closest family are in Spain. DH has a degenerative disease and is the most unhelpful dad ever. I have two kids, a full time job, a full time mom, a full time caregiver. No time to be seething or be jealous at anybody. I try to find happiness in the small moments in life.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't help now but later on sleepaway camp is your solution.

[Anonymous]

I think being able to drop the kids with grandparents over night is pretty rare, I only know a couple of families that have that set up. There’s always something to be jealous of, so you just can’t dwell on what you don’t have. DH and I had kids at a younger age, but grandparents were still too older and overwhelmed to babysit on their own. We took our first ever kid-free vacation when our kids were 6 and 8, and we used a combination of sleepovers with neighbors, school/ended day during the day, and our regular babysitter spent the night. Next year or the year after we may send both kids to a sleepaway camp with friends while DH and I have a couple nights away!

We would have been comfortable leaving them overnight with a sitter starting around age 3 or so but with two we wanted to wait until they were in school full time and more self sufficient. I have friends with nannies who have done overnights at much younger ages, because the Nannie’s were already so familiar with bed time routines, kids food making, laundry and the house workings in general. We had a higher learning curve with just a general evening sitter.

I second the PP who said it’s important to build your village and help each other. Regardless of how old or far away parents are, or how many kids you have, you will want neighbors and family friends who can help out in an emergency. I had to go to the ER in the middle of the night while DH was out of town once and a friend came at 2am to stay with my then toddler. I have rushed to a friend’ house to watch older kids while the mom is having a baby. We all help eachother out.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 13, 11, and 8. Right now, I am sure it feels like you'll never get here - but my husband and I just went away for a one week trip while all 3 kids were at sleepaway camp at the same time (for the first time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 13, 11, and 8. Right now, I am sure it feels like you'll never get here - but my husband and I just went away for a one week trip while all 3 kids were at sleepaway camp at the same time (for the first time).

Me again - also my boss vacations with his kids but they often pick places with kids clubs like Beaches Turks & Caicos etc. for alone time on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't help now but later on sleepaway camp is your solution.

This is a great practical suggestion. You can also look into resort vacations with kid's clubs. You could have a great vacation that combines family time and alone time and couple time as long as you have the right resources available there. It costs a bit more but is cheaper than bringing a nanny on vacation!

Another option we have used with a child too young for sleep away camp is to visit our parents in the summer and enroll DC isn a camp near them, and then also go out in the evenings after DC goes to bed at the grandparents house (sometimes we stay with grandparents, sometimes at a nearby AirBnB). We have done several working vacations this way, and DC loves the time at camp and extra time with grandparents, but it also enables us a little bit more free time and independence because while our parents aren't the sort to be able to take our kid for a few days or even a true overnight, they can certainly hang out with DC for a couple hours in the evening and can be a responsible adult sitter while DC is sleeping (we don't go far when we go out).

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. My parents and in-laws are all a 10-hour drive (or a plane ride) away, so help on a regular basis has never been feasible. I do feel jealous (this may not be the right word, exactly) when my friends with parents nearby have help when their kid is sick or school/camp/daycare is closed. Or even during the summer for a grandparent to take them to a daytime swim lesson or something, instead of having to schedule everything for the evenings or weekends. But, it is what it is.

More than that, I wish my kids could have the kind of close relationship with their grandparents that comes from proximity. I grew up 20 minutes from both sets of grandparents and I have such wonderful memories of our close relationship. They babysat us regularly, we went to brunch a couple times a month, just went to spend the afternoon at their house, they came to our games and recitals, etc. For my kids, the grandparents coming to visit is a whole big to-do or it's a vacation. While I think that definitely adds a level of special-ness to the experience, it isn't the everyday kind of relationship I had with my grandparents.

As far as help with childcare goes, DH and I hire a babysitter 3-4 nights a year to go out to dinner or a concert or something. We have done one overnight (our kids are 5 and 3) for a family wedding and were able to leave our kids with some friends. When our younger child was born, we left the older one with different friends so that DH could be in the hospital with me. We wouldn't ask our friends to watch our kids overnight just to take a weekend away, but we have been able to call in favors like that in a pinch for major events. My advice: Look for 2-3 babysitters to have in your phone for when you want a night out. If your kid is in daycare, plan a day that you and your husband both take off work and spend the day together while your kid is cared for in his usual daycare. When your son is a little older, try to schedule regular video calls with the grandparents so he can develop a close relationship with them, even if they can't be here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Aside from that, I struggled when people who literally dropped their kids off at grandparents' homes most evenings and every weekend would complain about how busy and tired they were from parenting. At other times, I would compare myself unfavorably to others, asking why they had things together and I didn't, ignoring the fact that those people had extensive family help with their kids. That's a waste of energy.

OP. Yeah, we know a few people like this, unfortunately. And aside from them, we know a lot of people who'd just had the ability to do an overnight trip as a couple while having young kids and aren't obnoxious about it, but it's still hard to not feel like, man that must be nice. And then there are responses to this thread and others like it that suggest just going away without your kids as if that's an option that everyone has. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/30/1147024.page

I tried to make it clear in my OP that I am grateful that my parents & ILs are here and are loving grandparents, but I do appreciate the helpful posts on keeping perspective and practicing gratitude for what we have instead of comparing ourselves to others.

And yes, as one PP helpfully pointed out - having my first (and probably only) child at 40 wasn't my first choice, but it's how things worked out. Grateful to be able to be a parent at all, because at our low point after failed IVF cycles and miscarriages, we weren't sure if we were going to be able to get there.

[Anonymous]

I think you are comparing yourself to a small number of people. My ILs are similar to your parents and can’t watch our kids. It’s a ton of work to facilitate their visits but we do it so the kids have a relationship with them. It’s not their fault they are older and one is physically in poor health due to chronic illness.

On the flip side my parents are quite young and healthy and both still work part time and have active social life. I would have loved more back up during the workday especially when my husband was traveling but my parents were working too! It’s a huge blessing that they are healthy so I try not to compare. They will take the kids for short periods of time but my oldest has some special needs and can be a lot. It’s fine/ my kids have a relationship with all their grandparents and that’s the most important thing.

Things can also change as your kids get older. My ILs recently had my older (very well behaved) niece stay with them for a couple days. She’s fairly self sufficient at 9 so everyone was comfortable with it. I promise you that time is coming sooner than you think.

My husband occasionally bemoans the lack of date nights and envies people going on kid free trips but makes no effort to set something up with a babysitter or something. I’m too tired to care but my oldest is rapidly approaching the age where they can stay home alone for a little bit and it’s making me aware how fleeting this time that my kids are depending on me really is.

So basically, hire a babysitter if you want. There’s no age requirement for your child. People may judge you differently than having grandparents watch your kid but who cares. People are judgemental of everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't help now but later on sleepaway camp is your solution.

Yeah until one needs to be picked up for an emergency. Hopefully you're not too far away.