For those of you who don't have family help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the PP’s whose parents/in-laws don’t help. Someone asked who is to “blame” and I don’t think really anyone. We are not estranged or anything. We see them for dinners and holidays. They are kind to my kids and buy them holiday gifts, but they don’t offer to babysit or take them out for ice cream or even entertain them when we are around. They are just disinterested. The kids are girls and delightful so it’s not them. They are the same with siblings kids too.

I am sure that this was a reserved family with similar hands off dynamics even when you were kids. Some families are warm, close and affectionate and some are standoffish. This continues when kids grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the PP’s whose parents/in-laws don’t help. Someone asked who is to “blame” and I don’t think really anyone. We are not estranged or anything. We see them for dinners and holidays. They are kind to my kids and buy them holiday gifts, but they don’t offer to babysit or take them out for ice cream or even entertain them when we are around. They are just disinterested. The kids are girls and delightful so it’s not them. They are the same with siblings kids too.

I am sure that this was a reserved family with similar hands off dynamics even when you were kids. Some families are warm, close and affectionate and some are standoffish. This continues when kids grow up.

NP but you are kind of missing the point.

If everyone was super happy with "standoffish" family relationships, no one would complain about it. The PP wouldn't be disappointed that her parents are disinterested in her kids. But she is.

The truth is that "standoffish" family dynamics are dysfunctional, and people who grow up in homes like this do hope it will change. Often they change those dynamics for their own kids. I am super warm, loving, and supportive with my own kids. It makes me sad I didn't have that as a child and that my parents are still not like that, with me or with my kids.

Warmth, closeness, and affection are basically the point of family. When it doesn't happen, it feels wrong and hurtful. That's what people are talking about on here.

[Anonymous]

OP, once the kid is old enough for a sleep-away camp, you and DH can plan a vacation for several days then.

Before that time, you can get to know a babysitter or nanny and eventually have the comfort level where they could stay overnight.

I understand you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

[Anonymous]

I feel you. In my circle, family help is not rare at all. Most people I know are able to take their grandkids overnight or at least a date night. I have friends whose parents or ILs take their kid(s) weekly.

We have both sets of grandparents in town with us and I do not allow DC to stay with one set for a variety of reasons (age is not one of them) but the other set, who's actually older by upwards of 10 years, loves to have DC spend the night and DC loves going there. However, we probably only do overnighters 6-ish times a year. DC is 7. We didn't do any overnights until DC was maybe 3.

We lived for day dates when DC was in daycare. Now, I suppose we could still do that when DC is in school, but the break doesn't feel as needed. But for the rare occasions we need a break, we utilize that one set of grandparents. Sure they are older (mid 70s) but still somewhat actively and mentally all there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

You mean you didn’t raise your daughter to be a perfect SAHM like you? Who will take care of her grandchildren when she is still working?

[Anonymous]

My Mom and Brother are both dead and my Dad travels extensively and lives abroad most of the time. Yes, I get it but you have to just remember that you became a parent to parent. I know. It sucks but it will not always be that way. Make good friends with someone and trade off or get a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

I live nearby my parents and they will not help even in an emergency. My grandparents lived 5 hours away and we spent most holidays and part of the summer with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

Well, aren't you just so wonderful it makes me dizzy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

Omg shut up

[Anonymous]

OP, it depends on the family and what kind of support live relatives you have. In some situations, nothing is free. You get the babysitting but the toxicity that some may bring with them. My parents are far away but would love nothing more than to come and go in our home as they please and tell us what we’re doing wrong and how to live.

In my case, distance brings peace, and I’m still married. 😉

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

You mean you didn’t raise your daughter to be a perfect SAHM like you? Who will take care of her grandchildren when she is still working?

Someone in our extended and beautiful family. I have no doubt about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

Well, aren't you just so wonderful it makes me dizzy!

Thanks! And here’s the thing: I’m not even kidding. If you knew what her assignment was you’d be super impressed. We’re thrilled she’s getting this opportunity and are happy to help out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the PP’s whose parents/in-laws don’t help. Someone asked who is to “blame” and I don’t think really anyone. We are not estranged or anything. We see them for dinners and holidays. They are kind to my kids and buy them holiday gifts, but they don’t offer to babysit or take them out for ice cream or even entertain them when we are around. They are just disinterested. The kids are girls and delightful so it’s not them. They are the same with siblings kids too.

I am sure that this was a reserved family with similar hands off dynamics even when you were kids. Some families are warm, close and affectionate and some are standoffish. This continues when kids grow up.

My mom is like this. She lives a few minutes away. She rarely sees our kids and when she visits, she mostly talks to me. Our kids are very well-behaved (my mom has commented on their manners many times), so it’s not them. I literally have no idea why my parents (baby boomers) have so little interest in their grandchildren. It’s very puzzling and I honestly did not foresee this at all before we had kids. I have considered going to therapy just to ask if this is normal!