For those of you who don't have family help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

What??? “My family is perfect and everyone else waited too long to have kids” is so profoundly unhelpful and smug.

Well, sorry but it kinda is. We are very lucky.

[Anonymous]

We don’t have family help and are also older parents.
We trade off sometimes, have lunch dates on Fridays once or twice a month. We have also hired sitters.
We haven’t been away overnight but are not really feeling the need to.
If you are you need to hire a sitter.
As your kid gets older and makes friends you can arrange playdates/sleepovers and trade with friends ( that you obviously know well and trust)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

[Anonymous]

My parents don't babysit on their own but since they live next door they are there with the nanny and kids at my house or their house. They supervise the cleaners, landscaper, handyman, HVAC inspector, deliveries and the part time cook for all of us. They are a great help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

You seem to assume that everyone has parents and siblings as loving and helpful as your family and that they just moved away for no legitimate reason--and if they had stayed, their family would help them raise their kids. What's your solution for people who come from abusive homes? Or who grew up with a parent or sibling with an addiction? What about people who grew up in impoverished areas? Or whose parents were emotionally or verbally abusive? Do you suggest all of those people never leave and raise their kids near their families so that they have help?

Families are complex, as are people. The fact that you think it's as simple as "you could have help if you hadn't moved away" says a lot about about your narrow, sheltered perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

What??? “My family is perfect and everyone else waited too long to have kids” is so profoundly unhelpful and smug.

+1

Bet they don't help their families, either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

You seem to assume that everyone has parents and siblings as loving and helpful as your family and that they just moved away for no legitimate reason--and if they had stayed, their family would help them raise their kids. What's your solution for people who come from abusive homes? Or who grew up with a parent or sibling with an addiction? What about people who grew up in impoverished areas? Or whose parents were emotionally or verbally abusive? Do you suggest all of those people never leave and raise their kids near their families so that they have help?

Families are complex, as are people. The fact that you think it's as simple as "you could have help if you hadn't moved away" says a lot about about your narrow, sheltered perspective.

I get all of that, obviously. But many many DC transplants aren’t here to escape poverty, abuse or dysfunction. They’re here for career. I know many people here from perfectly loving and functional families who left everything behind for their damned jobs. Then they complain that they don’t have local family help when they have kids. Then, when their kids grow up, they will be all about the kids going to the fanciest top brand college they possibly can, regardless of how far away it is, and the cycle repeats itself. I just don’t think that’s the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't help now but later on sleepaway camp is your solution.

This.

We don’t have family near either, 3 kids. Honestly, I don’t want to go away without them. Dates nights are enough. I’m not sure sleepaway will ever be our answer since 2 out of 3 are there now and by the time the youngest is old enough, the oldest will like have other summer plans/obligations but still needs parents around. It’s just being a parent. Embrace it.

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP! We recently went on a couples trip with four other couples. Every single one of them had the wife’s mom watching their kids. Sigh. Me and DH had to pay a sitter - to the tune of $2K.

Yes, it sucks to see friends have it easy in the childcare realm. But don’t let it eat you up, it’s no different than being envious over any other aspect of someone’s lives. Be grateful for the blessings in your life, and be grateful there are wonderful babysitters out there to fill in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

You seem to assume that everyone has parents and siblings as loving and helpful as your family and that they just moved away for no legitimate reason--and if they had stayed, their family would help them raise their kids. What's your solution for people who come from abusive homes? Or who grew up with a parent or sibling with an addiction? What about people who grew up in impoverished areas? Or whose parents were emotionally or verbally abusive? Do you suggest all of those people never leave and raise their kids near their families so that they have help?

Families are complex, as are people. The fact that you think it's as simple as "you could have help if you hadn't moved away" says a lot about about your narrow, sheltered perspective.

I get all of that, obviously. But many many DC transplants aren’t here to escape poverty, abuse or dysfunction. They’re here for career. I know many people here from perfectly loving and functional families who left everything behind for their damned jobs. Then they complain that they don’t have local family help when they have kids. Then, when their kids grow up, they will be all about the kids going to the fanciest top brand college they possibly can, regardless of how far away it is, and the cycle repeats itself. I just don’t think that’s the way to go.

Wow. Enjoy the humble pie headed your way.

No projection here at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Sometimes you have to move in order to get a decent job, or you happen to marry someone who gets a job far away. It sounds like you raised your family in the DC area where it’s relatively easy to find good jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

What??? “My family is perfect and everyone else waited too long to have kids” is so profoundly unhelpful and smug.

Well, sorry but it kinda is. We are very lucky.

So your solution is just “be born to perfect parents!” Gee. Why didn’t I think of that? Let me jump in my Time Machine and get different parents.

[Anonymous]

My brother lives close to our parents and his in laws, and he and his wife had kids young and had very involved active grandparents around for years. My youngest nephew is 14 and spent the weekend with my 80 year old parents recently while the rest of the family was away doing different things.

My husband and I had kids when we were older and our parents were older. We had an occasional overnight when visiting my parents or his. After the kids go to bed we go out to a late dinner, stay in a hotel, come back before lunch. That was with kids who were 3 and 6. Parents in their late 70s. No diapers and relatively independent. No way would that have flown with a toddler.

Sure, I’m jealous of my bother sometimes. But on the other hand he’s local for all the help they need, and it’s a lot.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t seem that different from being jealous of people whose parents paid their down payments… nothing you can do about so why waste the mental energy getting mad?

[Anonymous]

Omg, OP. Don’t listen to any of these people. They don’t have a life you want. They don’t have a marriage you want. And they certainly are not the sort of parent you probably want to be. Congratulations on being married to someone you want to spend time with. Congratulations on seeing through the crazy reality of parenting, which prevents you from actually getting great time with the person you picked to spend your life with!

We also had no help (and to be honest, we wouldn’t have accepted it anyway, for a variety of reasons). We also starting taking staycations (usually one night in a local hotel) when our kids were around 1 (I think we first left our youngest when she was 3 months old - newsflash, babies are easy, although pumping in a hotel room is not my favorite). Find a great nanny, cultivate babysitters and incorporate them into your lives like family. Use them repeatedly - we have two standing “late nights” (9pm like the wild party animals we are) per week. We take one week long trip a year without our kids. We generally each take one friends trip a year without our spouse. Lean into the advantage of having kids later, which is generally that you have a lot more money. Kids are wonderful. Kids are hard. Make your own breaks. Have fun. And don’t let any of these crazy puritans try to tell you that it’s not okay to want to spend time with your spouse