For those of you who don't have family help...

[Anonymous]

It's OK to be a little bit jealous. But don't waste too much time on that. YES, day dates when your child is in day care or school. And don't overly romantize the overnight trips. Try to build/maintain connection in the everyday experiences. A lot of people I know who have only children found that the kids were VERY integrated into their lives. So, you might rarely or never get those nights away, but your kid might be a great companion for a music festival, a trip to NYC, etc. And when they are school age, if they get invited to a friend's house, BAM, free night for you!

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand your feelings because I’m there too. Unfortunately there’s no magical answer to getting away overnight. My kids are 8 and 5 now, and there still aren’t a ton of great options because our parents have either died or are in poor health.

For date nights and other local events, I would start cultivating a roster of babysitters to help out. If your child is in daycare, get a favorite teacher’s number when your child moves up to the next “class” and see if they can help out. We’ve found our best sitters when our kids were young this way.

For “emergency contact” types, it’s important to cultivate neighborhood friends. If your child is in daycare in your neighborhood, start meeting other families and getting together. If not, you may want to try signing up for local activities (music, Gymboree, “tumbling” etc.), or join a church or whatever fits your interests and lifestyle.

If you have a nanny, you’ve in an even better spot. A good nanny can be like family, and I know people who have either taken the nanny on vacation with them or left the child for w night or two with the nanny, who is already a trusted caregiver.

For overnights without a nanny on call, we mostly have haven’t done them at all. Now that our kids are the ages they are, we are starting to eye the possibility of things like overnight camp and spending the night with close friends, which should free up more options. Once our youngest is a few years older, we’ll be in a position to start thinking about those more seriously for both kids.

[Anonymous]

We have no family help and I am envious of those friends with a great relationship with young and fit grandparents who help take care of the kids. It looks so perfect from the outside.
But - my SILs all get a ton of help from my in laws and there is so much meddling and so many expectations that I am happy we live too far to receive any help whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

My parents were able to help out the first few years, but they a) live out of state and b) have had health issues recently. So we are now in the camp of not being able to get away on our own. Recently, friends of ours who got married around the same time as us just went on a 2 week international trip for their 10 year anniversary whereas DH and I got a sitter to go out for a nice dinner locally.

It is what it is, but I do feel like people parenting with lots of family help are doing so on the “easy” setting. And I know plenty of people with genuinely helpful parents who don’t cause drama, so anyone claiming it always/often comes with drawbacks is just deluding themselves. DH and I know we have it harder than other parents (including having a special needs kid). We have just come to accept it, and honestly I’m pretty proud of how we always make the best of things and get through it together. Whereas some couples seem to fall apart at the smallest hardship.

What helps — realizing that kids get easier as they get older. Also, resorts with kids clubs are great once your kids are like 3-4 y/o +. Or bringing a sitter/nanny on vacation with you. You have a 1 year old which isn’t much fun for travel, but it won’t be like this forever.

Girls’ trip and guys’ trips. DH and I make sure to plan long weekends away with our friends so we each get some breaks throughout the year.

Also, being grateful for what we have. Our kids have 4 loving grandparents in their lives who try to visit when they can. Not everyone has living parents who show an interest in their children’s lives.

Money and/or flexibility at work. It sounds like you both work, so try to prioritize money to outsource or flexibility to handle things since you’re doing it on your own.

Exercise. I’ve found I’m happier when I take the time to work out a few times per week. I still feel like “me” getting this time away and I’m more energized for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Same boat over here. I think it’ll get easier as the kid gets a bit older. I can absolutely see us trading childcare for a weekend with our close friends who have a kid the same age in two years or so once they’re 5 or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We never had parental help, because ours are in Europe. Our circle is made up of internationals like us and Americans who for various reasons (aging parents, distance, family tension), also don't receive parental help.

Now all our kids are teens, I don't recall anyone complaining about this. It's the norm for most people we know. People pay for babysitting or forgo the dates. Since we didn't have a lot of money when our kids were little, we did not go on date night. We've always celebrated our anniversary with our kids - after all, that's why we got married, to have them! And we've always traveled with them, because they're cute and fun to have around.

Sorry, but I can't relate, OP.

+1
Our family is in Asia. We were very happy that we had children and we managed on our own. Our children will have that kind of parental support if they choose to live close to us, get married and have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my husband and I are 40, and we are happy but sometimes exhausted parents of a lively and wonderful 1-year-old. Being older parents, and DH and I both also having parents who had us later in life, the 4 grandparents are all thankfully alive and loving, but in their late 70-early 80's and in varying states of health. They all love visiting with our kid, but none of them are really capable of watching a toddler on their own for even a pretty short period of time.

So when i hear about friends who are able to drop off their young kids off at grandma's and go away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary, I seethe with jealousy. We wouldn't even be able to do that for a date night. We're probably not going to have another baby, but if we were I'd probably have to stay in the hospital by myself.

I guess I want to hear from others in this situation (or anyone else who has helpful thoughts) on how to deal with this both on an emotional level and a practical one. How to deal with the feelings of disappointment and jealously, and preventing it from turning it into resentment, either towards my parents and IL's who are all honestly lovely, or toward others who have the luxury of young, helpful grandparents?

And then on a practical level, how to compensate for this as much as we can. It's easy for us to trade off to give each other solo breaks, and we can use a babysitter for an evening. But I don't know when we'll ever be to get away by ourselves and be able to relax and reconnect, and I worry about the effect of that on our marriage. At what age is it ok to leave your child with a paid babysitter, or a friend maybe, overnight? I've thought about DH and I taking the day off and doing something fun together while DS is in daycare. Any other strategies?

11 years in your situation. No grandparent *ever* come to babysit. Not once. It's exhausting. Imagine 10 more years. Age 1 was the absolute easiest because we could just put DD in a pack n play. Mark finding babysitter on your to-do list. You really will need one. In fact, find more than one. With luck, you will get to know one who is ok to do overnights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We never had parental help, because ours are in Europe. Our circle is made up of internationals like us and Americans who for various reasons (aging parents, distance, family tension), also don't receive parental help.

Now all our kids are teens, I don't recall anyone complaining about this. It's the norm for most people we know. People pay for babysitting or forgo the dates. Since we didn't have a lot of money when our kids were little, we did not go on date night. We've always celebrated our anniversary with our kids - after all, that's why we got married, to have them! And we've always traveled with them, because they're cute and fun to have around.

Sorry, but I can't relate, OP.

Not helpful.

DP here. We have the same experience, so a little perspective for OP actually does not hurt.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple who's kids have a standing "date" with her parents every week. Every single week, they drop the 2 kids off and pick them up the next day. I would kill for that! So I get the jealousy.

[Anonymous]

My parents never had family help, so it wasn’t an expectation for me. You can finagle a weekend if you find a similar couple and trade off weekends if you absolutely need a weekend away together.

[Anonymous]

When the kid is a little older, you can take vacations to a resort with a kids' club, and then you get a little vacation time to yourselves. Otherwise, if you can find a regular babysitter that you trust, at some point they might be willing to watch the child overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents never had family help, so it wasn’t an expectation for me. You can finagle a weekend if you find a similar couple and trade off weekends if you absolutely need a weekend away together.

I will add that if you concentrate on what you have rather than what you do not have, life is easier and happier.

[Anonymous]

We've never had family help. My kids only have one living grandparent who is totally uninterested and lives hundreds of miles away. It's hard at times, and I used to get jealous of friends who have a lot of family help, but we've managed just fine. We're pretty self-sufficient people and while it would be nice to have a family help, I'm not one to dwell on what could've been.

My kids are 10 and 7 and we've never had an overnight break from them. There is no family member who can take care of them (even if they lived close, which none do) and we never had a nanny. Next summer I'm sending both to sleep away camp and we'll see how that goes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Most married people don’t get overnight trips away from their kids together. It’s just not normal.

2. You aren’t hearing the down side to the “my parents are around all the time” setup, so don’t imagine it’s all peachy. There are good and bad parts, like anything. But you seem to be envisioning only the good parts of another setup and noticing only the bad parts of yours.

Different poster. I am in the same situation as you OP, and I have to agree with both of these. Some people get the overnight trips but it's not the norm. I know I notice it more because we don't have it so it stands out to me, but when I actually take a step back, I realize we are far from alone.

The downsides of having parents around is real, from what I hear from my friends and what I imagine if mine were around all the time. My brother, who has always used his in-laws for free childcare, often says to me "nothing is truly free!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait you’re annoyed with your parents because they’re not spry when *you* decided to have a child late in life? That’s hardly fair.

+1. I was really struck by this line as well.