What are the best years to stay at home (SAHM)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

That was my post. I am a SAHM of 3 kids wanting to go back to work. While it is somewhat easier to put my younger kids in all day camp, my future freshman in high school will need a ride to fall sports that starts in late July. I don’t know what time these sports will be but I know it is not all day and definitely won’t line up with my future potential work schedule.

My youngest is 6 and oldest is 14. I will have 3 kids in elementary, middle and high school this fall. Right now I am childfree 9-2.

My husband has a very demanding and also high paying career. I would like to go back to work and I feel if I don’t go back now, I will never go back.

Ok. I'm the pp you quoted above and I'm also a poster that responded to your Uber post that it's actually against Uber's policies to give rides to children under 18, some drivers follow the rules and some don't.
I don't know what sport your son will do, but having had sons in XC and football, I can tell you that your kid is probably going to be a sweaty smelly mess when he is done with practice. I wouldn't be surprised if an Uber driver refuses to drive him on that basis, even if they were willing to drive an under 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

That was my post. I am a SAHM of 3 kids wanting to go back to work. While it is somewhat easier to put my younger kids in all day camp, my future freshman in high school will need a ride to fall sports that starts in late July. I don’t know what time these sports will be but I know it is not all day and definitely won’t line up with my future potential work schedule.

My youngest is 6 and oldest is 14. I will have 3 kids in elementary, middle and high school this fall. Right now I am childfree 9-2.

My husband has a very demanding and also high paying career. I would like to go back to work and I feel if I don’t go back now, I will never go back.

Good for you. There’s never a great time to go back to work and if you want to do so then you have to make it happen. Not having a job because of an extracurricular activity is nuts and that’s why you’re looking for a solution like Uber. Can you imagine a conversation 20 years from now where your child asks why you didn’t work and your response is “because you had soccer every Monday”?

HS sports on never just on Monday. It will be 5 days per week at minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

That was my post. I am a SAHM of 3 kids wanting to go back to work. While it is somewhat easier to put my younger kids in all day camp, my future freshman in high school will need a ride to fall sports that starts in late July. I don’t know what time these sports will be but I know it is not all day and definitely won’t line up with my future potential work schedule.

My youngest is 6 and oldest is 14. I will have 3 kids in elementary, middle and high school this fall. Right now I am childfree 9-2.

My husband has a very demanding and also high paying career. I would like to go back to work and I feel if I don’t go back now, I will never go back.

pp you quoted back again.
You might want to see if there is a parents facebook group for your kid's team and join it. You can go back and look at posts from last summer to get an indication of how the summer practice schedule went and also if there is a culture of carpooling.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to break with most of the posters here - I am a full-time work from home mom, and right now (with my kids in 2nd and 4th) is by far the busiest time for me and my kids require the most attention/time from me and my spouse.

Working full-time when they were babies and toddlers was easy, honestly. DH and I have always had flexible jobs, so we've always been able to pick up kids between 5-5:30 and have plenty of time to spend with them in the evenings, it's just that in the past few years, the KIDS have gotten more busy and need more from us.

So, personally, if I had to be SAHM, I would stop working now and start up again when the kids are in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

That was my post. I am a SAHM of 3 kids wanting to go back to work. While it is somewhat easier to put my younger kids in all day camp, my future freshman in high school will need a ride to fall sports that starts in late July. I don’t know what time these sports will be but I know it is not all day and definitely won’t line up with my future potential work schedule.

My youngest is 6 and oldest is 14. I will have 3 kids in elementary, middle and high school this fall. Right now I am childfree 9-2.

My husband has a very demanding and also high paying career. I would like to go back to work and I feel if I don’t go back now, I will never go back.

Ok. I'm the pp you quoted above and I'm also a poster that responded to your Uber post that it's actually against Uber's policies to give rides to children under 18, some drivers follow the rules and some don't.
I don't know what sport your son will do, but having had sons in XC and football, I can tell you that your kid is probably going to be a sweaty smelly mess when he is done with practice. I wouldn't be surprised if an Uber driver refuses to drive him on that basis, even if they were willing to drive an under 18.

Pp here. My 3 kids always needs rides. Between the three, they do swim, tennis, soccer, basketball, golf and dance. I am always busy shuffling kids around and carpool often. I have conflicts almost daily and cannot rely on DH. He cannot and does not work from home and has an unpredictable schedule so the kids all fall on me.

My Uber question was just in general but I would potentially need a ride for my kids to get home from some sports camps that either end at 12, 2 or 3 and don’t know the fall sports schedule yet. My oldest plays more individual sports so it is harder to carpool. Our high school has a very large radius and it would be very inconvenient for another parent to drive my kid daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

That was my post. I am a SAHM of 3 kids wanting to go back to work. While it is somewhat easier to put my younger kids in all day camp, my future freshman in high school will need a ride to fall sports that starts in late July. I don’t know what time these sports will be but I know it is not all day and definitely won’t line up with my future potential work schedule.

My youngest is 6 and oldest is 14. I will have 3 kids in elementary, middle and high school this fall. Right now I am childfree 9-2.

My husband has a very demanding and also high paying career. I would like to go back to work and I feel if I don’t go back now, I will never go back.

Ok. I'm the pp you quoted above and I'm also a poster that responded to your Uber post that it's actually against Uber's policies to give rides to children under 18, some drivers follow the rules and some don't.
I don't know what sport your son will do, but having had sons in XC and football, I can tell you that your kid is probably going to be a sweaty smelly mess when he is done with practice. I wouldn't be surprised if an Uber driver refuses to drive him on that basis, even if they were willing to drive an under 18.

Pp here. My 3 kids always needs rides. Between the three, they do swim, tennis, soccer, basketball, golf and dance. I am always busy shuffling kids around and carpool often. I have conflicts almost daily and cannot rely on DH. He cannot and does not work from home and has an unpredictable schedule so the kids all fall on me.

My Uber question was just in general but I would potentially need a ride for my kids to get home from some sports camps that either end at 12, 2 or 3 and don’t know the fall sports schedule yet. My oldest plays more individual sports so it is harder to carpool. Our high school has a very large radius and it would be very inconvenient for another parent to drive my kid daily.

Maybe an au pair or part-time driving nanny would be needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:l think the posters disagreeing with being a SAHM during the teen years are missing a few points.

1. Teens are SO different. Someone upthread said that the ideal life for teens is hanging out with neighborhood friends while the mom works. I personally don’t know any teens who do this. A lot of teens don’t live in a neighborhood with people they would want to hang out with, and a lot of teens these days don’t even have friends they hang out with outside of school hours. I let DD do whatever she wants after school—with the exception of isolating in her bedroom with a device—and there are many times when she chooses to chat with me.

2. A lot of people are saying that the key is having a flexible job. Of course a flexible job is ideal! But that pay decently are not available to all of us.

3. Being home with a teenager doesn’t mean breathing down their necks. If you assume say that, you’re conversing in bad faith or generalizing based on some bad parenting you’ve seen.

4. Mental health today is worse and it’s a parents job to do what they can to help a kid navigate this. Maybe that means working full-time, maybe it means being more available to the child. As I said before, all kids are different.

DP, and one who does disagree that the teen years are most critical for a SAHP:

Sure, teens are different, but MOST teens do shift their primary support from family to peers as part of the developmental process. That doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy or need their parents - they absolutely do - but most of them don’t regularly prefer their parents’ company over that of their peers.

It’s true that job flexibility isn’t an option for many, but it’s also true that many people don’t ask for it. Same with part-time work.

When people say that “teens need their parents most,” they almost never reference the fact that teens are in school ~six hours a day and often have other activities that take them out of the home. When developmental experts describe how teens need their parents, it’s as being emotionally available and aware of what their teen is doing and present for those moments. Lisa Damour’s column in the Post the other month about the bedtime conversations is a great example of that. But it’s hard to take the idea of a full-time SAHP for teens seriously when the fact that teens are out of the house often isn’t mentioned.

The mental health crisis in teens is very problematic. Part of it is driven by increased pressure on kids, much of that around achievement. Scaffolding teens’ appropriate independence is useful. So, yes, many teens do need specific supports for their mental health, but assuming that means they need a SAHP seems disingenuous, at least for most kids.

Ultimately, the all or nothing perspective isn’t helpful. Working full-time doesn’t have to mean 60+ hours per week. *Many* more people work from home now, have flexible arrangements, etc. - those aren’t going away. But thinking that working parents can’t support their teens as much as they need is misguided, frankly.

Okay I am apparently stating things poorly, so in response I’ll just try to reiterate my main point: I think it’s important to do whatever it takes to get yourself in a position to have flexibility with your job, so that you can have the chance to take advantage of that flexibility should you feel like you need it. For all the reasons I stated above, that point might come during the teen years (middle and/or high) even though they are in school full-time. This might mean working during the younger years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

That was my post. I am a SAHM of 3 kids wanting to go back to work. While it is somewhat easier to put my younger kids in all day camp, my future freshman in high school will need a ride to fall sports that starts in late July. I don’t know what time these sports will be but I know it is not all day and definitely won’t line up with my future potential work schedule.

My youngest is 6 and oldest is 14. I will have 3 kids in elementary, middle and high school this fall. Right now I am childfree 9-2.

My husband has a very demanding and also high paying career. I would like to go back to work and I feel if I don’t go back now, I will never go back.

Ok. I'm the pp you quoted above and I'm also a poster that responded to your Uber post that it's actually against Uber's policies to give rides to children under 18, some drivers follow the rules and some don't.
I don't know what sport your son will do, but having had sons in XC and football, I can tell you that your kid is probably going to be a sweaty smelly mess when he is done with practice. I wouldn't be surprised if an Uber driver refuses to drive him on that basis, even if they were willing to drive an under 18.

Pp here. My 3 kids always needs rides. Between the three, they do swim, tennis, soccer, basketball, golf and dance. I am always busy shuffling kids around and carpool often. I have conflicts almost daily and cannot rely on DH. He cannot and does not work from home and has an unpredictable schedule so the kids all fall on me.

My Uber question was just in general but I would potentially need a ride for my kids to get home from some sports camps that either end at 12, 2 or 3 and don’t know the fall sports schedule yet. My oldest plays more individual sports so it is harder to carpool. Our high school has a very large radius and it would be very inconvenient for another parent to drive my kid daily.

PP you quoted back again.
I get that. I am the mom of 4 and my husband was military, so would literally be out of the country for months at a time and all the kid stuff was on me.
For us, it just came down to the fact that we sometimes had to tell our kids "no" to some activities. As much as possible we tried, but I'm just one person and can't be in multiple places at once.

[Anonymous]

0-5 years

Though, every age they need you in different ways.
- SAHM fir life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

That was my post. I am a SAHM of 3 kids wanting to go back to work. While it is somewhat easier to put my younger kids in all day camp, my future freshman in high school will need a ride to fall sports that starts in late July. I don’t know what time these sports will be but I know it is not all day and definitely won’t line up with my future potential work schedule.

My youngest is 6 and oldest is 14. I will have 3 kids in elementary, middle and high school this fall. Right now I am childfree 9-2.

My husband has a very demanding and also high paying career. I would like to go back to work and I feel if I don’t go back now, I will never go back.

Good for you. There’s never a great time to go back to work and if you want to do so then you have to make it happen. Not having a job because of an extracurricular activity is nuts and that’s why you’re looking for a solution like Uber. Can you imagine a conversation 20 years from now where your child asks why you didn’t work and your response is “because you had soccer every Monday”?

HS sports on never just on Monday. It will be 5 days per week at minimum.

The point went over your head. Whether it’s 1 day or 7 days doesn’t matter. Do you really want to not have a job because of your child’s sport that they will likely never plan again after HS? Are there men out there saying they can’t hold a job because their child plays a HS sport? I highly doubt it.

[Anonymous]

It’s the norm for families to have two working parents, even in wealthy enclaves, more families are like this than not. It has been my experience even as a SAHM and then a PT working mom, that the (public) schools where we are know this and plan accordingly. School activities in MS and HS are either after school and don’t need pickup until typical work hours end, or there is an activity bus, or the practices/games don’t even begin until the evening. I agree teens need active involved and caring parents but the times that my teens need me are not during normal working hours, unless they are sick and of course I have leave for that. If you have more kids than you have drivers and they are all busy and can’t carpool, that’s a separate issue and has nothing to do with working or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the norm for families to have two working parents, even in wealthy enclaves, more families are like this than not. It has been my experience even as a SAHM and then a PT working mom, that the (public) schools where we are know this and plan accordingly. School activities in MS and HS are either after school and don’t need pickup until typical work hours end, or there is an activity bus, or the practices/games don’t even begin until the evening. I agree teens need active involved and caring parents but the times that my teens need me are not during normal working hours, unless they are sick and of course I have leave for that. If you have more kids than you have drivers and they are all busy and can’t carpool, that’s a separate issue and has nothing to do with working or not.

Pp with kid starting high school. I was surprised fall sports start in late July when there are no buses.

I actually just told Dh that maybe our son should not play this sport and Dh said our kid is a talented athlete and he should play. He does not think or care about the logistics of getting our kid to summer practice. Not his problem. It is my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the norm for families to have two working parents, even in wealthy enclaves, more families are like this than not. It has been my experience even as a SAHM and then a PT working mom, that the (public) schools where we are know this and plan accordingly. School activities in MS and HS are either after school and don’t need pickup until typical work hours end, or there is an activity bus, or the practices/games don’t even begin until the evening. I agree teens need active involved and caring parents but the times that my teens need me are not during normal working hours, unless they are sick and of course I have leave for that. If you have more kids than you have drivers and they are all busy and can’t carpool, that’s a separate issue and has nothing to do with working or not.

Pp with kid starting high school. I was surprised fall sports start in late July when there are no buses.

I actually just told Dh that maybe our son should not play this sport and Dh said our kid is a talented athlete and he should play. He does not think or care about the logistics of getting our kid to summer practice. Not his problem. It is my problem.

It’s not your problem. You’re CHOOSING to make it your problem. You could tell your husband to handle the logistics of getting him to the practice/game. But you did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

That was my post. I am a SAHM of 3 kids wanting to go back to work. While it is somewhat easier to put my younger kids in all day camp, my future freshman in high school will need a ride to fall sports that starts in late July. I don’t know what time these sports will be but I know it is not all day and definitely won’t line up with my future potential work schedule.

My youngest is 6 and oldest is 14. I will have 3 kids in elementary, middle and high school this fall. Right now I am childfree 9-2.

My husband has a very demanding and also high paying career. I would like to go back to work and I feel if I don’t go back now, I will never go back.

Ok. I'm the pp you quoted above and I'm also a poster that responded to your Uber post that it's actually against Uber's policies to give rides to children under 18, some drivers follow the rules and some don't.
I don't know what sport your son will do, but having had sons in XC and football, I can tell you that your kid is probably going to be a sweaty smelly mess when he is done with practice. I wouldn't be surprised if an Uber driver refuses to drive him on that basis, even if they were willing to drive an under 18.

Pp here. My 3 kids always needs rides. Between the three, they do swim, tennis, soccer, basketball, golf and dance. I am always busy shuffling kids around and carpool often. I have conflicts almost daily and cannot rely on DH. He cannot and does not work from home and has an unpredictable schedule so the kids all fall on me.

My Uber question was just in general but I would potentially need a ride for my kids to get home from some sports camps that either end at 12, 2 or 3 and don’t know the fall sports schedule yet. My oldest plays more individual sports so it is harder to carpool. Our high school has a very large radius and it would be very inconvenient for another parent to drive my kid daily.

Maybe an au pair or part-time driving nanny would be needed.

.

It’s hard to find au pairs that can drive. Summer college kid Nannie’s are around though where we live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the norm for families to have two working parents, even in wealthy enclaves, more families are like this than not. It has been my experience even as a SAHM and then a PT working mom, that the (public) schools where we are know this and plan accordingly. School activities in MS and HS are either after school and don’t need pickup until typical work hours end, or there is an activity bus, or the practices/games don’t even begin until the evening. I agree teens need active involved and caring parents but the times that my teens need me are not during normal working hours, unless they are sick and of course I have leave for that. If you have more kids than you have drivers and they are all busy and can’t carpool, that’s a separate issue and has nothing to do with working or not.

Pp with kid starting high school. I was surprised fall sports start in late July when there are no buses.

I actually just told Dh that maybe our son should not play this sport and Dh said our kid is a talented athlete and he should play. He does not think or care about the logistics of getting our kid to summer practice. Not his problem. It is my problem.

It’s not your problem. You’re CHOOSING to make it your problem. You could tell your husband to handle the logistics of getting him to the practice/game. But you did not.

Well, if one spouse currently has a job & the other does not, then yes, childcare/child transportation is the responsibility of the non-working spouse. After OP goes back to work, it’s their shared responsibility. I say this as a SAHP.