What are the best years to stay at home (SAHM)?

[Anonymous]

I would really like to be a SAHM for some portion of my kids’ childhood, probably 5-10 years total. We have two toddlers now and a third on the way. Both spouses work full time. Issues of re-entering the workforce aside, for those of you who have done it, what years are best for staying at home? Would you recommend staying home to savor the infant years with the last baby or wait for the middle school years when pre-teens/teens might need more parental support? Or elementary school years when there are more opportunities to volunteer at school and be involved with play/activities? Or other?

[Anonymous]

Bridge the baby years to early Elementary. IMO, human beings are cutest from 6mo to 18 mo. I loved being home during those years. It will also save the most money in terms of childcare. Volunteering in early ES will help you meet other moms.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I’m in your exact position and can’t figure this out. I think when they’re young is valuable because they want to be around you all the time, and because they’re not in full time school yet.

My mom was a sahm until her youngest (me) was in pre-k. She went back part time and eventually full time.

[Anonymous]

I'd actually say middle school -- for the support reason. my DD's anxiety/depression really took a turn in 7th grade, and I spent a lot of time dealing with that. And they need to chauffeured all over hell's half-acre during that time period. Once they are in high school, most things take place there.

In retrospect, elementary was a cake walk compared to middle school.

[Anonymous]

I think it really varies depending on the child and family. I think working during elementary would be easiest with child care as come MS/HS if they are in lots of activities things get harder.

[Anonymous]

Before age 5. Where the point in staying home if they are at school all day?!

[Anonymous]

college

[Anonymous]

What line of work are you in? I had very mixed feelings about working when my kids were tiny, I would really have enjoyed a year or two home with each of them and think that is a time when finding good care is possible but tricky and a lot of work.

Now that my kids are elementary school ages I primarily work during the school day but also do an hour many nights. Many families have one parent start their day very early so they can be done with their kids and handle activities etc. if you could work out a schedule like that, I think it’s ideal; I can not imagine stopping now after going through the tough years with babies and toddlers in daycare this feels very good. Maybe I’ll eat my words when they get to middle school but one my kids does see a therapist weekly and that has been fine with my work schedule. But if I had to be in an office until 5/6 every day I’d feel differently for sure.

[Anonymous]

I have always been a SAHM so I'm not your target audience here. But in case this is a helpful data point: I thought that staying home during the early years would be more important. But when DD hit adolescence I really felt like in order to be a good mom for her, I needed to be there for her more than I could if I was working full-time. This is so unique to the job, the child, the family, etc., but this is how it is for our situation. Some teens just need more parental support than others. I wish I had worked during the earlier years so that I could have bette part-time work now because I just don't think going back to work full-time while the kids are in school is in the cards.

Also, maybe think about which age you'd be a better parent for. I feel uncomfortable with "controlling" kids. The teen years have been much easier for me than the little kid years, when it was just really, really hard to give them the structure they needed. I think I did okay and I enjoyed those years, but it definitely didn't play to my strengths like the teen years do. It's possible that a nanny would have been a better caregiver for them from about ages 1-7 or 8.

[Anonymous]

6-18m was brutal for us for both kids. I love 3.5-5 but they need some socialization and preschool and my kids were nappers. One is now in ES and i wish i worked part time snd was done at 3:30 so i could spend more time with her right after school and do activities etc.

[Anonymous]

As a working mom, now that my kids are hitting middle school, I wish I could be a SAHM now. I feel like my kids need me more than when they were little, even if they may not realize it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always been a SAHM so I'm not your target audience here. But in case this is a helpful data point: I thought that staying home during the early years would be more important. But when DD hit adolescence I really felt like in order to be a good mom for her, I needed to be there for her more than I could if I was working full-time. This is so unique to the job, the child, the family, etc., but this is how it is for our situation. Some teens just need more parental support than others. I wish I had worked during the earlier years so that I could have bette part-time work now because I just don't think going back to work full-time while the kids are in school is in the cards.

Also, maybe think about which age you'd be a better parent for. I feel uncomfortable with "controlling" kids. The teen years have been much easier for me than the little kid years, when it was just really, really hard to give them the structure they needed. I think I did okay and I enjoyed those years, but it definitely didn't play to my strengths like the teen years do. It's possible that a nanny would have been a better caregiver for them from about ages 1-7 or 8.

THank you for this perspective. Im the PP and hoping that by working through their early years i can really dial back when they his middle school. We dod have some lovely nannies for them when they were 6m-3yrs at least.

[Anonymous]

OP, it really depends on what kinds of flexibility you have/will have in working and also things you can’t predict now, such as your kids’ needs in adolescence, and also your strengths as a parent (also tough to predict). Frankly, I think kids need their parents all throughout childhood, albeit in different ways as they develop and change. Tweens/teens need a lot of emotional support, but they also are generally much more independent than much younger kids. The little young years are foundational; that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work, but it does mean (IMO) prioritizing quality childcare and not lying to yourself that they just need a reasonably competent warm body.

So, I don’t know. Can you play the long game and pace yourself? Ideally, I think PT or very flexible work for the long haul is ideal, but not every career lends itself to that option. DH and I are both sort of parent-tracked, but we earn a decent HHI, have tons of flexibility, and are able to prioritize our kids (all in elementary, now) while still doing meaningful work. I feel good about that.

[Anonymous]

It’s easier (but obviously expensive) to get child care up through the last year of elementary school. Once they hit middle school, there isn’t much to keep them busy in the afternoons, or on all the random school days off. At the same time, there is a lot of driving around depending on what sports your kid does and where their friends live. I’m a SAHM and I think my kids needed me home most from birth to 4 (though that was exhausting) and then again the middle school years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would really like to be a SAHM for some portion of my kids’ childhood, probably 5-10 years total. We have two toddlers now and a third on the way. Both spouses work full time. Issues of re-entering the workforce aside, for those of you who have done it, what years are best for staying at home? Would you recommend staying home to savor the infant years with the last baby or wait for the middle school years when pre-teens/teens might need more parental support? Or elementary school years when there are more opportunities to volunteer at school and be involved with play/activities? Or other?

I would say from birth to about 3rd grade.

That's where I'm at and I'm now entering or trying to enter back into the job market. My kids need me still but they no longer want me as much. When they were babies I could kiss them and hug them all day, once they reach a certain el age, they want their independence and can do a lot more.

But I have no idea what I'm in store for in middle school. Scary to be honest to think about.