What are the best years to stay at home (SAHM)?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Pp again. I’m not sure if it is a strategy but I think busy kids tend to stay out of trouble. My kids play sports, play an instrument, we travel, I help organize social gatherings since none of my kids can drive.

Starting in middle school, kids get into trouble with vaping and drugs. I don’t want my kids to do drugs as their extracurricular activities.

That's very, very sad. All I wanted to do at those ages was run around with my neighborhood friends and be a kid. I don't think busy equals better behaved. I'd kids want to do drugs/drink they will no matter what. Also, busy kids don't learn how to entertain themselves without causing trouble or excessive screen time.

So what does lead to vaping and drug use with teens? I think back to OP’s question, there could be an argument that being home during the middle school years would allow you to be more involved and have more knowledge as to what they are doing and curb the drug use if it starts.

But that’s what we are saying and you are not hearing. I am home when my kids are home. And I work. And same with all my friends. My husband works too and he’s home most days too. We are on it, don’t you worry.

I am the pp who said that busy kids stay out of trouble. I did not mention anything about working parents. My oldest is in middle school and the vast majority of his friends’ parents work.

My child hangs out with the high achieving crowd. Most of his friends seem to be very good at something whether it be orchestra, band, ice hockey, tennis, basketball, baseball or swimming. If you are a competitive gymnast or ice hockey player, you are going to practice 5+ times per week and practice times don’t cater to working schedules like a person posted above. Anyone with a teen who does any sport or activity at a competitive level knows they need to be driven.

I have kids who have done science Olympiad at 2:30, sports practice at 4, swim practice at 10am during summers, tennis matches at 9:30am or 2:00pm. Of course my kids could not do these activities but activities absolutely do not cater to working parents’ schedules.

There are 15 families whose children live in our neighborhood and take the same bus our kids do. We all have elementary school kids, from grades 1-5. Two families have children who aren't yet in K. In 14 of the 15 families, both parents work full-time. In only one of the families does only the husband work, although the mom used to have her own business but sold it when they moved here for his work so she is working a bit now to try to get another shop up and running.

Our kids do all the things you mentioned above and then some. Point is, our kids all do sports, music, theater, academics, etc. Their schedules are all over the place and their activities are all over the map. The parents are lawyers, doctors, military, HR, IT, teacher, engineers, financial advisors, executives, veterinarians, and orthodontists/dentists. We all make it work. Some have nannies. Some have part-time sitters. Have some local family. Some work at home. Some are in the office every day. Some are deployed for extended periods of time.

My point is that of course not all activities are going to cater to working families' scheduled. Some will, but many will not (and most in summer time will not, like camps from 9-1). Between flexible work schedules, help from friends, hired help, family, and good planning, all of us have kids going all over the place all the time. That's 15 families with varying set ups and issues all making it work with two working parents. Of course we're all in the same socio-economic bracket because we all live near each other, and we're all UMC, which of course helps immensely when it comes to being able to throw money at certain problems. But I have to say I do roll my eyes at the SAHMs whose husbands make seven figures who say "oh I just can't work because there's so many places I have to shuttle my school-aged kids." Just acknowledge that you don't want to work. That's fine. But stop acting like so many of us don't make it happen without losing our minds.

Honest truth this sounds so stressful and only you know at the end of the day how many tasks you left half finished, half done everything, frazzled and burnt out and passed that on to your kids to boot.
I have a housekeeper every two weeks, and all of us put our dishes in the dishwasher, kids do all their chores and out away their laundry, so so much - the only difference is I acknowledge my validation comes from intrinsic motivation. Not an outside job where you’re really just a working drone counting the hours on meaningless projects and busy work until you age out of it. Thumbs down!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Pp again. I’m not sure if it is a strategy but I think busy kids tend to stay out of trouble. My kids play sports, play an instrument, we travel, I help organize social gatherings since none of my kids can drive.

Starting in middle school, kids get into trouble with vaping and drugs. I don’t want my kids to do drugs as their extracurricular activities.

That's very, very sad. All I wanted to do at those ages was run around with my neighborhood friends and be a kid. I don't think busy equals better behaved. I'd kids want to do drugs/drink they will no matter what. Also, busy kids don't learn how to entertain themselves without causing trouble or excessive screen time.

So what does lead to vaping and drug use with teens? I think back to OP’s question, there could be an argument that being home during the middle school years would allow you to be more involved and have more knowledge as to what they are doing and curb the drug use if it starts.

But that’s what we are saying and you are not hearing. I am home when my kids are home. And I work. And same with all my friends. My husband works too and he’s home most days too. We are on it, don’t you worry.

I am the pp who said that busy kids stay out of trouble. I did not mention anything about working parents. My oldest is in middle school and the vast majority of his friends’ parents work.

My child hangs out with the high achieving crowd. Most of his friends seem to be very good at something whether it be orchestra, band, ice hockey, tennis, basketball, baseball or swimming. If you are a competitive gymnast or ice hockey player, you are going to practice 5+ times per week and practice times don’t cater to working schedules like a person posted above. Anyone with a teen who does any sport or activity at a competitive level knows they need to be driven.

I have kids who have done science Olympiad at 2:30, sports practice at 4, swim practice at 10am during summers, tennis matches at 9:30am or 2:00pm. Of course my kids could not do these activities but activities absolutely do not cater to working parents’ schedules.

There are 15 families whose children live in our neighborhood and take the same bus our kids do. We all have elementary school kids, from grades 1-5. Two families have children who aren't yet in K. In 14 of the 15 families, both parents work full-time. In only one of the families does only the husband work, although the mom used to have her own business but sold it when they moved here for his work so she is working a bit now to try to get another shop up and running.

Our kids do all the things you mentioned above and then some. Point is, our kids all do sports, music, theater, academics, etc. Their schedules are all over the place and their activities are all over the map. The parents are lawyers, doctors, military, HR, IT, teacher, engineers, financial advisors, executives, veterinarians, and orthodontists/dentists. We all make it work. Some have nannies. Some have part-time sitters. Have some local family. Some work at home. Some are in the office every day. Some are deployed for extended periods of time.

My point is that of course not all activities are going to cater to working families' scheduled. Some will, but many will not (and most in summer time will not, like camps from 9-1). Between flexible work schedules, help from friends, hired help, family, and good planning, all of us have kids going all over the place all the time. That's 15 families with varying set ups and issues all making it work with two working parents. Of course we're all in the same socio-economic bracket because we all live near each other, and we're all UMC, which of course helps immensely when it comes to being able to throw money at certain problems. But I have to say I do roll my eyes at the SAHMs whose husbands make seven figures who say "oh I just can't work because there's so many places I have to shuttle my school-aged kids." Just acknowledge that you don't want to work. That's fine. But stop acting like so many of us don't make it happen without losing our minds.

I think families differ in what standards of parenting, marriage, household, socializing, financial success, security, extended family, social mobility, education and health they strive for. In the end, we all only have 24 hours in the day.

I am a sahm of ACs. DH does not make 7 figures. But, in his DCUM MC salary (and with a bit of luck and planning) we have done very well. I have seen many seasons of parenting and married life. I can look back and feel pretty good about what we have achieved in our personal life and what DH has achieved professionally. Remaining in my job would have been a huge mistake and my DH is incredibly happy that I agreed to stay at home. I have two masters and multiple certifications. I am glad that my education and time was used in being a guide to my kids, instead of working for corporate America.

No. I do not want to work if I do not need the money. My being employed would mean that some person who needs the job is unemployed.

You're right, you win, those of us with two working parents just have lower standards for our parenting, marriage, household, socializing, financial success, security, extended family, social mobility, education, and health.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:0-5 (or until school starts) is the best bang for your buck as the kids are actually home all day.

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So to have 6 hours of free time / me time every day while the kids are at school while the other parent works full time to take on 100% of all financial responsibilities of having children isn't an example I would set for my kids nor one that would create an equal marriage.

So I have been with my husband for 24 years and married for 15. As a SAHM let me tell you I do not have 6 hrs free time/me time every day. I get the kids off to school at 9:15 (late bell school) and it’s a race to do my part time job, clean up after breakfast, do all the housework be it laundry, Cleaning, organizing. Do our food planning, be it shopping prep or cooking, organize kids sports and activities and all kid related things (kids are insanely busy and need extra support that only I can provide), I manage important items for my elderly parents and manage our rental properties, get in a quick home improvement project or help at the kids school and they are home and we are ferrying them to activities. My husband helps with child care and housework as he is able to always but he also gets to go to every work dinner and event without worrying about coordinating childcare. With my small contribution and his rising salary we are in the high six figures and there is real peace and stability in our home. Not sure I see that as much in the two parent full time work out of the home scenarios. It gets crazy.

Sure, you successfully fill your day with activities that make you busy. Those of us who work have the whole family clean up after breakfast by actually having people put their dishes in the dishwasher when they're done eating, we do laundry in the morning before work and in the evenings after work and on the weekends or outsource it, we have cleaners or the family chips in and does cleaning throughout the week, we keep things organized as we go or take some time when we have a minute to dedicate it to a particular task, we do food planning as a family after dinner or we do it while on a conference call or sitting in traffic, we shop on our way home from work or place an order during lunch and have it delivered when we're at home, we cook as a family or plan accordingly by having easier meals during the week and making some things ahead on the weekends, we organize kids sports and activities and all kid-related things in the evenings or while on calls or while with our children, we manage items for our elderly parents during the day or on the weekends, we also manage our rental properties at the same time, and somehow we manage to do home improvements tasks when we're at gome.

I get it, you want to say you're so busy, but I just can't help but laugh and wonder what you think families with two working parents do. We literally do everything you do, we just manage to also work while doing it.

NP. One big benefit of being a SAHM is that the family doesn’t have to spend weekends and after work ours doing errands. Obviously a ton of people make it work and I’m glad you are happy with your decisions but your life sounds stressful and IMO shouldn’t be the default.

My life isn't actually stressful but I was trying to think of the various ways people could accomplish the long list of tasks you laid our as your reason to stay at home. Glad you find your life fulfilling. My life is, too. I just find it funny that you list all these things that you don't think the rest of us find a way to do and still be happy. Enjoy your 1-2 hours of free time a day!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I truly feel sorry for women whose husbands are SO preoccupied with work that they literally cannot imagine any scenario where a family could function properly with two working parents and not be unhappy or stressed. A 7 figure income is not worth that level of absenteeism to me. I got married to have a partner.

This may blow your mind but there are some families where both parents don’t have to work. We live in an area where many people cashed out of companies and are retired.

Yes, my DH earns a few million per year but he doesn’t have to work. I certainly don’t have to work. Our investments have done so well. While I don’t technically have a job, I manage our investments and I “earn” more than I would from any flexible WFH job.

That’s great. I’m taking to women who “can’t” work because their husband is so absent he literally can’t help her do anything. At all. Ever. So, not you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Pp again. I’m not sure if it is a strategy but I think busy kids tend to stay out of trouble. My kids play sports, play an instrument, we travel, I help organize social gatherings since none of my kids can drive.

Starting in middle school, kids get into trouble with vaping and drugs. I don’t want my kids to do drugs as their extracurricular activities.

That's very, very sad. All I wanted to do at those ages was run around with my neighborhood friends and be a kid. I don't think busy equals better behaved. I'd kids want to do drugs/drink they will no matter what. Also, busy kids don't learn how to entertain themselves without causing trouble or excessive screen time.

So what does lead to vaping and drug use with teens? I think back to OP’s question, there could be an argument that being home during the middle school years would allow you to be more involved and have more knowledge as to what they are doing and curb the drug use if it starts.

But that’s what we are saying and you are not hearing. I am home when my kids are home. And I work. And same with all my friends. My husband works too and he’s home most days too. We are on it, don’t you worry.

You are the one that is not hearing. That's great for you and your friends, but not every profession/industry can accommodate being at home "most days." Some jobs require you to choose between working and being at home in time to do all the driving.
Would you go to a dentist that had to leave mid filling to drive her kid to soccer practice?

My dentist closes at 4:30, so yeah. I literally don’t know anyone who stays home to “drive to activities.” The women I know who stay home with teens do so because they don’t want to work and no other reason. They don’t make up dumb excuses no one believes. But you do you.

So who is picking up your dentist's kid when band rehersal ends at 3:30, the way my kid's does?

Their spouse? The activity bus? A carpool? Lots of options. Not everyone has no friends and an absentee spouse. Use some imagination.

Doesn't the spouse have to work? What activity bus? Not all schools have an activity bus.
Carpool? Don't THOSE people work?

Lots and lots and lots of people can do a school run in the middle of a work day. You really don’t know ANY? Almost every family I know can do this. I’m an ES teacher and my work day ends at 2:45. Again, use your brain.

You are a teacher? I weep for our youth. Use YOUR brain teacher! Not every school gets out at 2:45.

DP - come on. This problem is solvable. I get that you want to throw out every hypothetical and tell us how we must not actually doing it, we must be failing our kids, but we’re not. It actually is possible to work FT and support your kids and be a good parent. If someone chooses not to work, super. Have at it. But stop cutting down those of us who do.

It is for you. Not for me at this stage in life. Everybody is different and has different circumstances, options, capabilities, etc.

I noticed that somebody said that those who can be with their kids while they aren’t at school and still have full-time jobs made choices/sacrifices that gave them that flexibility. When you talk about how SAHMs of kids in school are just making excuses for not working, think about the fact that not everybody made those same smart choices that you did.

I agree at this point you are lacking the problem solving skills most people are looking for. Sorry you are “forced” not work and didn’t “make smart choices.”

Thank you for your sympathy. I have been staying from the start of this thread that I wish I had established a career so that I would have more flexibility now. But BC failed when I was in law school, and there were a lot of non-traditional students who were getting their degrees and starting kick-A legal careers when their kids were in high school. They all highly recommended staying at home during the younger years because the teen years were so flexible. Well now here I am, with essentially fifteen years out of the workforce, two kids (including a teenager with severe mental health issues), and a husband with a really demanding job. That coupled with a chronic illness and a decently heavy schlepping schedule make it so that no, I personally cannot be the mom my kids need me to be and work full-time. I’m happy for you that you made different choices, and I am grateful that my husband makes enough money to enable me to focus the bulk of my energies on being a good mom.

I am sorry for your situation, but this is really a “you” problem and not a universal issue.

Well, the universal issue is that no two situations are and we all just have to make judgment calls about what best in any given situation or season of our lives. What is not universal is that anybody can work full-time and be a good mom, like PPs have been saying.

Nope, it actually is pretty universal. People figure it out, or make compromises, which is part of life. Only “special” people come up with excuses.

Not totally related to OP’s question but this is a really ignorant statement. Some parents are overextended and they just can’t be good parents because of it. My friend has six kids, who of whom have major special needs. Her husband passed away a few years ago and she has to work full-time, and she knows she isn’t able to give her kids what they needed like she was able to before when she had a part time job.

Sure, I do think that most people can be good parents and work full time. But to say that somebody who says they cannot is just making excuses is really obtuse.

[Anonymous]

The thread has officially devolved into the “all working people are suckers, just be rich like me!” trolls.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I truly feel sorry for women whose husbands are SO preoccupied with work that they literally cannot imagine any scenario where a family could function properly with two working parents and not be unhappy or stressed. A 7 figure income is not worth that level of absenteeism to me. I got married to have a partner.

This may blow your mind but there are some families where both parents don’t have to work. We live in an area where many people cashed out of companies and are retired.

Yes, my DH earns a few million per year but he doesn’t have to work. I certainly don’t have to work. Our investments have done so well. While I don’t technically have a job, I manage our investments and I “earn” more than I would from any flexible WFH job.

Lol, you’re so happy with your life, you spend it on DCUM telling people how rich you are 😂

I’m actually trying to plan the rest of our summer. We will be on vacation for 6-7 weeks. I could not do this if I were working.

I’m finishing planning our summer. We will be traveling 6-8 weeks out of the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly feel sorry for women whose husbands are SO preoccupied with work that they literally cannot imagine any scenario where a family could function properly with two working parents and not be unhappy or stressed. A 7 figure income is not worth that level of absenteeism to me. I got married to have a partner.

This may blow your mind but there are some families where both parents don’t have to work. We live in an area where many people cashed out of companies and are retired.

Yes, my DH earns a few million per year but he doesn’t have to work. I certainly don’t have to work. Our investments have done so well. While I don’t technically have a job, I manage our investments and I “earn” more than I would from any flexible WFH job.

Lol, you’re so happy with your life, you spend it on DCUM telling people how rich you are 😂

I’m actually trying to plan the rest of our summer. We will be on vacation for 6-7 weeks. I could not do this if I were working.

I’m finishing planning our summer. We will be traveling 6-8 weeks out of the summer.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thread has officially devolved into the “all working people are suckers, just be rich like me!” trolls.

No, some women can’t fathom not working so the women who don’t have to work have chimed in.

If you won the lottery tomorrow, would you continue working your flexible WFH job?

If given the choice, I think many women would rather travel all summer, hang out in their summer home and not clock in.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I truly feel sorry for women whose husbands are SO preoccupied with work that they literally cannot imagine any scenario where a family could function properly with two working parents and not be unhappy or stressed. A 7 figure income is not worth that level of absenteeism to me. I got married to have a partner.

This may blow your mind but there are some families where both parents don’t have to work. We live in an area where many people cashed out of companies and are retired.

Yes, my DH earns a few million per year but he doesn’t have to work. I certainly don’t have to work. Our investments have done so well. While I don’t technically have a job, I manage our investments and I “earn” more than I would from any flexible WFH job.

Lol, you’re so happy with your life, you spend it on DCUM telling people how rich you are 😂

I’m actually trying to plan the rest of our summer. We will be on vacation for 6-7 weeks. I could not do this if I were working.

I’m finishing planning our summer. We will be traveling 6-8 weeks out of the summer.

Troll.

I actually am planning our summer.

I used to work and fill up our summer with camps and then we would normally go on one week vacation and one long weekend local beach trip. We did this when I was working.

I currently have 4 weeks of travel planned and making plans for the rest. I am not a troll.