What are the best years to stay at home (SAHM)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before age 5. Where the point in staying home if they are at school all day?!

Because that’s when it’s actually enjoyable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s easier (but obviously expensive) to get child care up through the last year of elementary school. Once they hit middle school, there isn’t much to keep them busy in the afternoons, or on all the random school days off. At the same time, there is a lot of driving around depending on what sports your kid does and where their friends live. I’m a SAHM and I think my kids needed me home most from birth to 4 (though that was exhausting) and then again the middle school years.

Yes this. I’m a SAHM with middle schooler and elementary kids now and the middle schooler is the most work. They need to get picked up at noon two days per week to participate in a special academic program, sports practice starts at 3 (not at school), music lessons outside of school, checking in on homework, preparing homemade food early in the day to take to go for busy afternoons/evenings when kids are going to different activities. It is a lot. And teen problems are more complicated and require a lot of mental energy

[Anonymous]

If you can hire a nanny for the first few years, I would say the most important time is elementary school.
If you have a good nanny, it makes no difference who is taking care of them. Your nanny can change diapers, feed, burp, nap just as well as you do (in my case even better).

In K though is when I think a parent’s role becomes important. That is when you start really raising them, helping them grow, give emotional support, etc. My kids really need ME in elementary school. They did not need me specifically when they were younger, but just a loving and patient adult who took good care of their physical needs.

[Anonymous]

The early years. I know people say they need you more when they’re teenagers, but I have not found this to be true. They really just need rides. Any bonding, chatting can be done after work hours. Ages 0-8 were the most rewarding. Upper elementary years are fairly stable, and middle school years can be doozies so it’s nice to keep a close eye on things, but most people can’t stay home forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My preference would be SAHM from birth to 5, then full time work (but not travel, late nights, or weekend work) for all of elementary, then flexible, maybe not-quite-full-time for MS and HS. Reasoning:

SAHM 0-5 -- they just need you so much, plus childcare is a huge PITA and has its limits (like when your kid is sick and can't got to daycare, or when your nanny has a family crisis and needs a week off, etc.). They are also cute and cuddly at this phase with more rewards for the work you put in because they are so loving.

Full-time through elementary -- they don't have extensive activities yet so they don't need as much support with that, they are at school and often prefer to attend aftercare because they are social and want time with friends. Their lives are pretty stable and consistent and it's a good time to focus on work. Best for a regular 9-5 job that isn't too stressful because you do still have parenting stuff to do so you want to be able to focus on that when not at work. But you aren't breastfeeding, potty training, applying to college, dealing with puberty, etc. It's a relatively low key time.

Flex/Part-time in MS/HS -- this is a really good time to have more flexibility for driving them to practice/rehearsal or showing up for their games, being around when they get home so they can share what's going on socially, providing support for finding summer jobs/internships, applying to college, etc. Especially by HS, they are soon to be gone and having some extra time in your schedule can be nice and help cement that relationship and get to know their almost-adult self before they fly the coop.

This is all very unrealistic for most people's careers though.

This is spot on. I have always worked, but for a pretty flexible boss while my kids were young. It was easier for me to volunteer for my oldest in ES since my younger kids had childcare. Around the time the oldest started MS I opened my own business and the timing lined up perfectly, even though I didn't plan it. The amount of random driving around before 4:00 is crazy in MS. And don't get me started on the August sports in HS with their 9:00 am practices and 4:30 pm pick-ups once school begins. Friends coming home on the bus, then driving them places, etc. It's a lot but I always say yes because it's the best way to know what's going on and who the new friends are. Flexibility is really amazing once kids hit MS and HS.

[Anonymous]

Middle school

[Anonymous]

Assuming you will have a flexible white collar job it’s really pretty easy to work once the youngest is about 8 or so. Especially in the post Covid era.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can hire a nanny for the first few years, I would say the most important time is elementary school.
If you have a good nanny, it makes no difference who is taking care of them. Your nanny can change diapers, feed, burp, nap just as well as you do (in my case even better).

In K though is when I think a parent’s role becomes important. That is when you start really raising them, helping them grow, give emotional support, etc. My kids really need ME in elementary school. They did not need me specifically when they were younger, but just a loving and patient adult who took good care of their physical needs.

As a FT WAHM, I agree 100%. Our wonderful nanny takes great care of our toddler DD, they go to classes and parks and playgroups together, it’s awesome. But I feel terrible for not being able to be fully present with my DD after school. Sometimes I am able to take a 30-min break in between meetings, but not every day. And by the time I log off, it’s time to start the nightly routine. I wish I could work PT or at least shift my hours to end just after she comes home, but that isn’t feasible for several reasons.

[Anonymous]

College 😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd actually say middle school -- for the support reason. my DD's anxiety/depression really took a turn in 7th grade, and I spent a lot of time dealing with that. And they need to chauffeured all over hell's half-acre during that time period. Once they are in high school, most things take place there.

In retrospect, elementary was a cake walk compared to middle school.

The people I knew who SAHM to MS were way too involved in the social dynamics. I wouldn’t recommend. I see why your particular kid struggled then, but it’s far from universal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can hire a nanny for the first few years, I would say the most important time is elementary school.
If you have a good nanny, it makes no difference who is taking care of them. Your nanny can change diapers, feed, burp, nap just as well as you do (in my case even better).

In K though is when I think a parent’s role becomes important. That is when you start really raising them, helping them grow, give emotional support, etc. My kids really need ME in elementary school. They did not need me specifically when they were younger, but just a loving and patient adult who took good care of their physical needs.

I don't totally agree. I'm not advocating for a SAHM from age 0 (I wasn't one) but I think it actually does matter who is caring for them between 0 and 5.

From 0-18mo or so, they might not care as much who is caring for them, but it's a really important bonding time for parents. It helps you learn some fundamental things about their personality. Maternity leave was really important to ME, even if my kids would have been perfectly fine with me returning to work right away and being with a loving nanny or grandparent or something. I assume that's true for the first year or so -- the SAHP gets a lot out of it. That's worth something.

Then from 18mo or so, until age 5 or 6, you are setting the stage for HOW that parenting in the elementary years will go. You might not be having intensive conversations with a 3 yr old about friendships or how to deal with failure, but you will be dealing with them experiencing big emotions for the first time and figuring out how to empathize and support, when to back off and give space, etc. I found the parenting I did during the toddler/preschool years really important to how I parented later.

I mean, the truth is that your kids always need you. The reality is that usually you have to work, the trick is figuring out the balance and some kids might need you more at age 4, other at age 12, others at 17. I don't think there's a universal best time to SAHM because kids are not universal. There's no "wrong" time to spend more time with your kids or focus more on parenting.

[Anonymous]

Elementary school is not very working parent friendly, particularly if you have multiple. The kids are old enough to know when you are around and to have opinions about how they spend their time. They have activities and interests. They have their own friends. Elementary school hours can be weird, for example ours let's out at 3pm. Finding care after school can be difficult. And there are so many random holidays and half days! And the kids are young enough that they want you around! They want to play and talk. They will fight aftercare, at least occasionally. And their schools are always asking for volunteers at 11am on Tuesday.

In my opinion its hardest to work full time from 1st to 5th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My preference would be SAHM from birth to 5, then full time work (but not travel, late nights, or weekend work) for all of elementary, then flexible, maybe not-quite-full-time for MS and HS. Reasoning:

SAHM 0-5 -- they just need you so much, plus childcare is a huge PITA and has its limits (like when your kid is sick and can't got to daycare, or when your nanny has a family crisis and needs a week off, etc.). They are also cute and cuddly at this phase with more rewards for the work you put in because they are so loving.

Full-time through elementary -- they don't have extensive activities yet so they don't need as much support with that, they are at school and often prefer to attend aftercare because they are social and want time with friends. Their lives are pretty stable and consistent and it's a good time to focus on work. Best for a regular 9-5 job that isn't too stressful because you do still have parenting stuff to do so you want to be able to focus on that when not at work. But you aren't breastfeeding, potty training, applying to college, dealing with puberty, etc. It's a relatively low key time.

Flex/Part-time in MS/HS -- this is a really good time to have more flexibility for driving them to practice/rehearsal or showing up for their games, being around when they get home so they can share what's going on socially, providing support for finding summer jobs/internships, applying to college, etc. Especially by HS, they are soon to be gone and having some extra time in your schedule can be nice and help cement that relationship and get to know their almost-adult self before they fly the coop.

This is all very unrealistic for most people's careers though.

I read this and think you probably had only girls. Also reiterates for me how different life is for different families! (I dont mean this is a critical way, your post was helpful, just so very different than my experience)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The early years. I know people say they need you more when they’re teenagers, but I have not found this to be true. They really just need rides. Any bonding, chatting can be done after work hours. Ages 0-8 were the most rewarding. Upper elementary years are fairly stable, and middle school years can be doozies so it’s nice to keep a close eye on things, but most people can’t stay home forever.

This was my feeling. I desperately wanted to be home with my babies so I was. I’m fortunate that I only work part time now so can be fully available to them in middle and high school. But taking care of them when smaller was the greatest gift of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My preference would be SAHM from birth to 5, then full time work (but not travel, late nights, or weekend work) for all of elementary, then flexible, maybe not-quite-full-time for MS and HS. Reasoning:

SAHM 0-5 -- they just need you so much, plus childcare is a huge PITA and has its limits (like when your kid is sick and can't got to daycare, or when your nanny has a family crisis and needs a week off, etc.). They are also cute and cuddly at this phase with more rewards for the work you put in because they are so loving.

Full-time through elementary -- they don't have extensive activities yet so they don't need as much support with that, they are at school and often prefer to attend aftercare because they are social and want time with friends. Their lives are pretty stable and consistent and it's a good time to focus on work. Best for a regular 9-5 job that isn't too stressful because you do still have parenting stuff to do so you want to be able to focus on that when not at work. But you aren't breastfeeding, potty training, applying to college, dealing with puberty, etc. It's a relatively low key time.

Flex/Part-time in MS/HS -- this is a really good time to have more flexibility for driving them to practice/rehearsal or showing up for their games, being around when they get home so they can share what's going on socially, providing support for finding summer jobs/internships, applying to college, etc. Especially by HS, they are soon to be gone and having some extra time in your schedule can be nice and help cement that relationship and get to know their almost-adult self before they fly the coop.

This is all very unrealistic for most people's careers though.

I read this and think you probably had only girls. Also reiterates for me how different life is for different families! (I dont mean this is a critical way, your post was helpful, just so very different than my experience)

I have a son and found this to be very accurate. High school was the big surprise for me in terms of being home because of puberty, outside influences, and the college process.