What are the best years to stay at home (SAHM)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would really like to be a SAHM for some portion of my kids’ childhood, probably 5-10 years total. We have two toddlers now and a third on the way. Both spouses work full time. Issues of re-entering the workforce aside, for those of you who have done it, what years are best for staying at home? Would you recommend staying home to savor the infant years with the last baby or wait for the middle school years when pre-teens/teens might need more parental support? Or elementary school years when there are more opportunities to volunteer at school and be involved with play/activities? Or other?

I would say from birth to about 3rd grade.

That's where I'm at and I'm now entering or trying to enter back into the job market. My kids need me still but they no longer want me as much. When they were babies I could kiss them and hug them all day, once they reach a certain el age, they want their independence and can do a lot more.

But I have no idea what I'm in store for in middle school. Scary to be honest to think about.

And completely agree that staying home gives you the benefit of skipping daycare costs which are astronomical.

[Anonymous]

Birth through K.
I’m a SAHM to elementary, middle and teen now. I think the most valuable part of my being a SAHM is behind me.

[Anonymous]

I also think birth through early elementary has the biggest impact for the kids, although they may not remember much of it. If you can go back to a more flexible job during elementary and middle school, that’s more ideal because they spend a lot of time away from home.

[Anonymous]

I’ve worked full time since my DD was born and never felt like I wanted to SAH till this year, 2nd grade. She’s so busy now, there’s always something going on and it’s not always working parent friendly

[Anonymous]

Mine are in elementary so I can't comment on middle school. Depends a lot on how flexible your job can be. I see plenty of parents who work and volunteer, it's 4hrs/ month? And many Friday afternoon playdates with parents who work from home.

Toddler to K was fun, lots you can do together and it's a lot easier to make family friends that can be your kids social group through early elementary, if you go back to work.

I notice you have 3 kids. Think about whether you want to manage a situation where one is napping age while the other two are in established activities in real school. I see SAHMs in that situation and they all pay for full time daycare for the youngest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before age 5. Where the point in staying home if they are at school all day?!

So sahms can be alone 7 hours a day and then claim it's the hardest job ever.

--signed someone who was a sahm until her kids were both in elementary and now work full time. Those early years were exhausting and thankless.

[Anonymous]

I think this depends on your personality (i.e. are you good with babies that can't talk and need constant attention?) and your job (i.e. how flexible is it)?

I think some people are great at staying home with babies and toddlers and some aren't. Those are clearly the easiest years from a financial standpoint since once they're in school they need less childcare, but they're not the easiest from a lot of other standpoints.

I agree that kids need you a lot when they're older, whether it's shuttling them back and forth or just being there to listen to them and be present in their lives.

Personally, I worked really hard when my kids were little because of the work opportunities I had at the time. It was hard, and sometimes I hated it, but I was there for a few hours every evening (I went into work very early in the morning) and all weekends, plus I took every minute of my PTO and worked at home at least one day a week (this was pre-COVID). Now I'm so senior that I can command a high salary while working entirely from home (thanks COVID!), and I have the flexibility to basically work 7-4 while they're at school/on the bus but otherwise be present and I think it's ideal. I'd actually have a much harder time not seeing them in the mornings now or working later from an office. But that's just me - you may be different.

[Anonymous]

The ideal setup is work mostly from home when kids are little plus a nanny, then you get to be home for all the sweet moments, you have an office to go to when you need a break, and your career doesn't come to a complete halt. I actually think this is easier than being a full time SAHM because it gives you a break.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home when my 2nd was born until kinder. My oldest was 2 until 7.5. So I was able to volunteer in her classroom and make parent connections at school for those last 2 years. I wasn’t managing 2 in daycare, or 1 in daycare and one in school. I’m happy with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always been a SAHM so I'm not your target audience here. But in case this is a helpful data point: I thought that staying home during the early years would be more important. But when DD hit adolescence I really felt like in order to be a good mom for her, I needed to be there for her more than I could if I was working full-time. This is so unique to the job, the child, the family, etc., but this is how it is for our situation. Some teens just need more parental support than others. I wish I had worked during the earlier years so that I could have bette part-time work now because I just don't think going back to work full-time while the kids are in school is in the cards.

Also, maybe think about which age you'd be a better parent for. I feel uncomfortable with "controlling" kids. The teen years have been much easier for me than the little kid years, when it was just really, really hard to give them the structure they needed. I think I did okay and I enjoyed those years, but it definitely didn't play to my strengths like the teen years do. It's possible that a nanny would have been a better caregiver for them from about ages 1-7 or 8.

I work. I figure there’s never a good time to work when you have kids. So if you want to work then you just need to get on with it and somehow make it all happen. Waiting for the right moment to return to work might mean it never happens.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM (+occasional freelance work) from when my 1st was born until #2 (of 2) was in kindergarten. Those were great years to be home. I LOVED having that time with my kids. I made a great group of friends who were also SAHMs, was involved in their preschool, enjoyed outings to parks, library, nature centers. Life at home could be relaxed and still get the babies to bed at an early hour so DH and I had time in the evenings. I'd seen too many coworkers and friends over the years rushing to get out to make it to daycare pickup and didn't want that. I know most kids do just fine with daycare. Staying home was more about the experience I wanted for myself and I'm glad I did it.

Once they were in ES, I felt ready to go back to work FT. My older child, then in 2nd grade, really wanted to go to aftercare because he felt like he was missing out on the big daily playdate with all his friends. It helped that our school community was really oriented to working parents. It was very rare for them to ask for parents to attend things during the school day and the aftercare program was large and well-run.

I had no trouble finding a job when I was ready to go back FT. I doubt it would have been as easy if I'd taken my break a decade later.

Older kids do benefit from having someone around after school but don't need the same kind of FT parent they benefitted from when they were little. My DH switched to WAH full time when our oldest started MS so that there was someone at home. As long as one parent has flexibility or you both can balance out WAH days (so much more common now than when DH did it) I think that works fine for MS-HS. The exception might be if a kid has a really intense schedule of extracurriculars that requires a dedicated afternoon chauffer, which mine did not.

[Anonymous]

My preference would be SAHM from birth to 5, then full time work (but not travel, late nights, or weekend work) for all of elementary, then flexible, maybe not-quite-full-time for MS and HS. Reasoning:

SAHM 0-5 -- they just need you so much, plus childcare is a huge PITA and has its limits (like when your kid is sick and can't got to daycare, or when your nanny has a family crisis and needs a week off, etc.). They are also cute and cuddly at this phase with more rewards for the work you put in because they are so loving.

Full-time through elementary -- they don't have extensive activities yet so they don't need as much support with that, they are at school and often prefer to attend aftercare because they are social and want time with friends. Their lives are pretty stable and consistent and it's a good time to focus on work. Best for a regular 9-5 job that isn't too stressful because you do still have parenting stuff to do so you want to be able to focus on that when not at work. But you aren't breastfeeding, potty training, applying to college, dealing with puberty, etc. It's a relatively low key time.

Flex/Part-time in MS/HS -- this is a really good time to have more flexibility for driving them to practice/rehearsal or showing up for their games, being around when they get home so they can share what's going on socially, providing support for finding summer jobs/internships, applying to college, etc. Especially by HS, they are soon to be gone and having some extra time in your schedule can be nice and help cement that relationship and get to know their almost-adult self before they fly the coop.

This is all very unrealistic for most people's careers though.

[Anonymous]

I worked part time when my kids were little (baby to early elementary) and loved that time savoring their little human selves. They’re in middle/high school now and while our life is logistically more challenging in terms of carpools and activities and such, the kids themselves are not actually around a lot or wanting to spend oodles of time hanging out with mom when they are. I’m glad I got those early years with them.

Caveat:while I’m working a ton now, I have a flexible schedule which makes logistics easier and means they rarely come home to an empty house. It’s possible my answer would be different if the logistics of working were more challenging.

[Anonymous]

Depends on you, your job, your family, your kids. For my personality, being home with my kids when they were little—birth til kindergarten—was where I felt it had the most impact. I was good w babies, toddlers, preschoolers. I was good at structuring our days around things like moms club and music together class and library story time and going to the playground. I felt useful because me being home allowed us to save a lot of $$ we would’ve otherwise spent on daycare or a nanny and saved us the trouble of arranging care on sick days and such. It made our family life run a lot smoother.

Once our kids were in full day school (kindergarten on) I didn’t enjoy being a SAHM as much. Between school drop off and pick up I had about 6 hrs but it would fly by somehow w chores and errands and volunteering at school and then it would be time to get them and I’d feel like I got very little done and they mostly just played w neighbor friends after school so I wasn’t even doing much childcare and I didn’t feel like my time as SAHM to elementary schoolers was that valuable.

In middle and high school I do think it’s important to have a parent around more but on the other hand, kids are typically so busy w activities and friends in middle-high school they don’t spend much time w you anyway.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home until my kids were 5 to 8. It was wonderful, and I loved it, and I was ready to go back.

I think if my kids had continued to progress without issues, as many kids do, I would have been fine working. But in our case, when my kids were 8 to 11, one of them developed very serious medical issues and I needed to stay home. If we'd been in a situation where we'd used up resources that would have prevented me from staying home, then it would have been a disaster for us. Now, my kids are 12 to 15, and I can work part time so I'm there whenever they aren't in school.

So, if you're really saying that there is no way financially you can stay home the whole time, then I'd say to save that ability to stay home as insurance. Or maybe stay home birth to 2 because those years are so exhausting and childcare then is so expensive, and then find a great full day preschool and go back to work and save the rest.

But if it's more like you could afford to stay home all the way through, just that you'd rather not do more than 10 years because you have some other goals, but you could do more in an emergency, then maybe stay home a little longer when they're small.