How do you get over a crush?

[Anonymous]

I married my crush.
He was not husband nor father material.
I got over the crush and divorced him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting how there are two schools of thought here:

A. Everyone has crushes, enjoy it, it won't lead to anything.

B. It means there's something wrong with your marriage, change jobs (!), address it seriously, otherwise you go to your doom.

I'm a woman who is firmly in camp A. I suspect most people are. I can't believe someone would change jobs just for this, and I don't think any man would ever think to change anything about their lives when they have a crush on a woman. The camp B people must be women of a certain guilt-ridden nature. Very damaging to think of yourself in that way.

Camp B is women having unhealthy crushes. The kind that just consume you. Where you think about the person 24h a day and it becomes agony. As PP said above it’s limerence and it sucks.

Camp B really does suck.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had a crush on a friend for almost 5 years. We’re both married and he wouldn’t act on it but I would if I had the chance. I love DH very much but the sex is awful and always has been. I fantasize all the time about this friend.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I could’ve written this, except my crush is my close friend’s BF. He and my DH have become friends also. I hate it and I feel like an awful friend. I dream about this guy at least once a week.

[Anonymous]

I think I love my crush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I love my crush.

I know I love my crush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really want to get over it, you have to shift your attention every time you start thinking about him in a crush-y kind of way. Kind of like meditation where you keep returning your focus when you see you have been distracted.

That said, it’s hard because I suspect your mind kind of enjoys the thoughts.

Say more about this. Like, shift your attention to some completely unrelated like how you need to do the dishes? Or something else.

[Anonymous]

Seeing him flirt hard with another woman. That killed it for me. I can never go back to those crush feelings.

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard because it’s a complicated situation. He’s ten years older, we are both married. He’s both my pastor and my boss, since I work at the church. It’s been simmering for over a decade and the feelings are still there. I feel like it’s almost “the one who got away” territory. If we had met before spouses I’m 100% certain we would have dated or more.

I honestly think the only reason we can work together is our shared moral values at this point. If either of us made a move then we wouldn’t be the person that the crush was based upon.

The whole situation makes me feel awful. I’m deeply in love with my DH but I can’t help the crush. Wish I could!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so hard because it’s a complicated situation. He’s ten years older, we are both married. He’s both my pastor and my boss, since I work at the church. It’s been simmering for over a decade and the feelings are still there. I feel like it’s almost “the one who got away” territory. If we had met before spouses I’m 100% certain we would have dated or more.

I honestly think the only reason we can work together is our shared moral values at this point. If either of us made a move then we wouldn’t be the person that the crush was based upon.

The whole situation makes me feel awful. I’m deeply in love with my DH but I can’t help the crush. Wish I could!

Is this crush mutual? Has either of you ever acknowledged it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so hard because it’s a complicated situation. He’s ten years older, we are both married. He’s both my pastor and my boss, since I work at the church. It’s been simmering for over a decade and the feelings are still there. I feel like it’s almost “the one who got away” territory. If we had met before spouses I’m 100% certain we would have dated or more.

I honestly think the only reason we can work together is our shared moral values at this point. If either of us made a move then we wouldn’t be the person that the crush was based upon.

The whole situation makes me feel awful. I’m deeply in love with my DH but I can’t help the crush. Wish I could!

Is this crush mutual? Has either of you ever acknowledged it?

There’s a tension between us. I think we both sense it and have to be very careful with our interactions when we find ourselves alone, which can sometimes be unavoidable. Even if you try to maintain distance and observe all proprieties, that feeling is unmistakable.

Have you ever just had an instant reaction to someone? Maybe it’s their pheromones or something, but you you can just tell you are compatible. It’s very magnetic and hard to resist, even if you aren’t looking for anything. Even if you are deliberately not flirting or looking to give an impression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so hard because it’s a complicated situation. He’s ten years older, we are both married. He’s both my pastor and my boss, since I work at the church. It’s been simmering for over a decade and the feelings are still there. I feel like it’s almost “the one who got away” territory. If we had met before spouses I’m 100% certain we would have dated or more.

I honestly think the only reason we can work together is our shared moral values at this point. If either of us made a move then we wouldn’t be the person that the crush was based upon.

The whole situation makes me feel awful. I’m deeply in love with my DH but I can’t help the crush. Wish I could!

Is this crush mutual? Has either of you ever acknowledged it?

There’s a tension between us. I think we both sense it and have to be very careful with our interactions when we find ourselves alone, which can sometimes be unavoidable. Even if you try to maintain distance and observe all proprieties, that feeling is unmistakable.

Have you ever just had an instant reaction to someone? Maybe it’s their pheromones or something, but you you can just tell you are compatible. It’s very magnetic and hard to resist, even if you aren’t looking for anything. Even if you are deliberately not flirting or looking to give an impression.

Yep, been there, done that. You have amazing self control. You instinctively know that disclosing feelings is the WORST thing you can so in a situation like this. Once there is no more doubt whether or not the feelings are reciprocated, it becomes very, very difficult to reverse course and things escalate quickly from there on out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you really want to get over it, you have to shift your attention every time you start thinking about him in a crush-y kind of way. Kind of like meditation where you keep returning your focus when you see you have been distracted.

That said, it’s hard because I suspect your mind kind of enjoys the thoughts.

Say more about this. Like, shift your attention to some completely unrelated like how you need to do the dishes? Or something else.

The more you fantasize, the more dopamine that is released, creating a vicious, highly addictive cycle. Emotional affairs always start in the mind. The fantasy..

Dishes? Nah, too boring and too easy to fantasize to distract from the boredom. You must do something cognitively stimulating. I found focusing on friends’ problems and trying to help others distracting.. busy days at work, planning kids activities and social nights out with other couple friends.

None are going to be as intensely euphoric as the fantasy, of course, but the sooner you begin to distract, the easier it is to squash the feelings before they take on a life of their own.

Oh, and STAY AWAY from your crush. You MUST do this. NOW. Once it starts, it becomes too overpowering for most to simply stop - at least without extreme agony as the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you really want to get over it, you have to shift your attention every time you start thinking about him in a crush-y kind of way. Kind of like meditation where you keep returning your focus when you see you have been distracted.

That said, it’s hard because I suspect your mind kind of enjoys the thoughts.

Say more about this. Like, shift your attention to some completely unrelated like how you need to do the dishes? Or something else.

DP. My therapist says that one of the few things in life that you can truly control are your thoughts. You have to redirect your thoughts to a mantra or something else.

[Anonymous]

I'm still learning to love
The sound of my feet
Walking away
From something not meant for me.