Feeling Trapped In Parenthood/Relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

Exactly why the elderly parent pull-in waits by green card and new citizens are 20+ years long for many countries like India, Pakistan, Mexico, UK, all of Central America, etc. Foreigners are advised to put their parents on the USA immigration list the minute the adult children get their green cards or citizenship. or turn 18 yo if born here.

Very common immigration tactic. But the wait is very long. Maybe the emergency angle would help but America and its health care system and hospitals cannot serve all current immigrants sickly and diseased parents to come here and get free treatment. And it is free to them; they themselves paid in nothing to the system over the years. Not via income tax, property tax, sales tax, Medicaid, SS, etc. Net negative

This is not correct.
Foreign parents of US citizens are considered immediate relatives and there is no waiting time for the green card. The 10-20 year wait lists are for the foreign siblings of US citizens.

Exactly: my mom was temporary green card holder in 3 months from applying, and I moved her into my home right away as soon I got my US citizenship. Also not correct that these people didn't pay anything into US system. Their children do pay taxes. I paid so much taxes over the course of my work life in the US and won't be eligible for Medicaid as high earner. I don't think it's unethical for my mother to be eligible: I paid taxes sufficient to maintain several retirees already.

It doesn’t work backwards like that. One generation, in this case an elderly immigrant of an immigrant, paid in nothing and gets everything. You’re describing a ponci scheme. Same reason social security will be depleted in 30 years and is essentially a tax to anyone under age 50. You can’t start a social network by giving away stuff to net takers. Even pretending there will be millions of future on-the books immigrants (no cash pay remittances/black market) and a 3 child fertility rates won’t fix that.

No the law gives US green card holders close relatives of US citizens right to participate in the system. Thus it’s not a Ponzi scheme but totally legal spending of taxes I paid into it. I would rather see it spent on my mom than “nation building” activities all over the world

[Anonymous]

This is why I've already talked to my teenage kids about life choices. America promotes the idea of moving for a job, going far away to find yourself, or marrying someone who is similarly unrooted.
Then once the family starts growing and the needs of a village to raise the child comes about, this setup sucks the life out of these isolated unions. No family around, squeezed budget, work pressure and the best alternative is to hire a Caribbean woman to watch the kids while the parents work work work.

I'm trying to make sure I get into a global firm so that I can be available for my kids wherever they end up and hope they have the foresight make decisions that allow such flexibility in their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

Exactly why the elderly parent pull-in waits by green card and new citizens are 20+ years long for many countries like India, Pakistan, Mexico, UK, all of Central America, etc. Foreigners are advised to put their parents on the USA immigration list the minute the adult children get their green cards or citizenship. or turn 18 yo if born here.

Very common immigration tactic. But the wait is very long. Maybe the emergency angle would help but America and its health care system and hospitals cannot serve all current immigrants sickly and diseased parents to come here and get free treatment. And it is free to them; they themselves paid in nothing to the system over the years. Not via income tax, property tax, sales tax, Medicaid, SS, etc. Net negative

This is not correct.
Foreign parents of US citizens are considered immediate relatives and there is no waiting time for the green card. The 10-20 year wait lists are for the foreign siblings of US citizens.

Exactly: my mom was temporary green card holder in 3 months from applying, and I moved her into my home right away as soon I got my US citizenship. Also not correct that these people didn't pay anything into US system. Their children do pay taxes. I paid so much taxes over the course of my work life in the US and won't be eligible for Medicaid as high earner. I don't think it's unethical for my mother to be eligible: I paid taxes sufficient to maintain several retirees already.

It doesn’t work backwards like that. One generation, in this case an elderly immigrant of an immigrant, paid in nothing and gets everything. You’re describing a ponci scheme. Same reason social security will be depleted in 30 years and is essentially a tax to anyone under age 50. You can’t start a social network by giving away stuff to net takers. Even pretending there will be millions of future on-the books immigrants (no cash pay remittances/black market) and a 3 child fertility rates won’t fix that.

No the law gives US green card holders close relatives of US citizens right to participate in the system. Thus it’s not a Ponzi scheme but totally legal spending of taxes I paid into it. I would rather see it spent on my mom than “nation building” activities all over the world

If one of the criterias for this status is that the person brought over to the US is not going to be a burden on the system. There needs to be proof or declaration that this person will be financially supported by the person (family member) sponsoring them. This applies even in the case of marriage. My retired father tried to bring over his 2nd wife but it was a no-go because he wasn't in a position to financially support her.
Note: I think there are exceptions in the case of asylum seekers - different status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

Exactly why the elderly parent pull-in waits by green card and new citizens are 20+ years long for many countries like India, Pakistan, Mexico, UK, all of Central America, etc. Foreigners are advised to put their parents on the USA immigration list the minute the adult children get their green cards or citizenship. or turn 18 yo if born here.

Very common immigration tactic. But the wait is very long. Maybe the emergency angle would help but America and its health care system and hospitals cannot serve all current immigrants sickly and diseased parents to come here and get free treatment. And it is free to them; they themselves paid in nothing to the system over the years. Not via income tax, property tax, sales tax, Medicaid, SS, etc. Net negative

This is not correct.
Foreign parents of US citizens are considered immediate relatives and there is no waiting time for the green card. The 10-20 year wait lists are for the foreign siblings of US citizens.

Exactly: my mom was temporary green card holder in 3 months from applying, and I moved her into my home right away as soon I got my US citizenship. Also not correct that these people didn't pay anything into US system. Their children do pay taxes. I paid so much taxes over the course of my work life in the US and won't be eligible for Medicaid as high earner. I don't think it's unethical for my mother to be eligible: I paid taxes sufficient to maintain several retirees already.

It doesn’t work backwards like that. One generation, in this case an elderly immigrant of an immigrant, paid in nothing and gets everything. You’re describing a ponci scheme. Same reason social security will be depleted in 30 years and is essentially a tax to anyone under age 50. You can’t start a social network by giving away stuff to net takers. Even pretending there will be millions of future on-the books immigrants (no cash pay remittances/black market) and a 3 child fertility rates won’t fix that.

No the law gives US green card holders close relatives of US citizens right to participate in the system. Thus it’s not a Ponzi scheme but totally legal spending of taxes I paid into it. I would rather see it spent on my mom than “nation building” activities all over the world

If one of the criterias for this status is that the person brought over to the US is not going to be a burden on the system. There needs to be proof or declaration that this person will be financially supported by the person (family member) sponsoring them. This applies even in the case of marriage. My retired father tried to bring over his 2nd wife but it was a no-go because he wasn't in a position to financially support her.
Note: I think there are exceptions in the case of asylum seekers - different status.

“Support” definition for green card holders doesn’t include limiting access to Medicaid as of now. Go ahead and change the laws first then argue ethics. Your dad just didn’t want to bring second wife.

Once green card hold is the US citizen they are on their own and support doesn’t apply in practice to them at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

Exactly why the elderly parent pull-in waits by green card and new citizens are 20+ years long for many countries like India, Pakistan, Mexico, UK, all of Central America, etc. Foreigners are advised to put their parents on the USA immigration list the minute the adult children get their green cards or citizenship. or turn 18 yo if born here.

Very common immigration tactic. But the wait is very long. Maybe the emergency angle would help but America and its health care system and hospitals cannot serve all current immigrants sickly and diseased parents to come here and get free treatment. And it is free to them; they themselves paid in nothing to the system over the years. Not via income tax, property tax, sales tax, Medicaid, SS, etc. Net negative

This is not correct.
Foreign parents of US citizens are considered immediate relatives and there is no waiting time for the green card. The 10-20 year wait lists are for the foreign siblings of US citizens.

Exactly: my mom was temporary green card holder in 3 months from applying, and I moved her into my home right away as soon I got my US citizenship. Also not correct that these people didn't pay anything into US system. Their children do pay taxes. I paid so much taxes over the course of my work life in the US and won't be eligible for Medicaid as high earner. I don't think it's unethical for my mother to be eligible: I paid taxes sufficient to maintain several retirees already.

It doesn’t work backwards like that. One generation, in this case an elderly immigrant of an immigrant, paid in nothing and gets everything. You’re describing a ponci scheme. Same reason social security will be depleted in 30 years and is essentially a tax to anyone under age 50. You can’t start a social network by giving away stuff to net takers. Even pretending there will be millions of future on-the books immigrants (no cash pay remittances/black market) and a 3 child fertility rates won’t fix that.

No the law gives US green card holders close relatives of US citizens right to participate in the system. Thus it’s not a Ponzi scheme but totally legal spending of taxes I paid into it. I would rather see it spent on my mom than “nation building” activities all over the world

The point remains you immigrating your elderly parents to America to use Medicaid and other forms welfare is a net negative.
You can’t pretend the 5,10, 15 or whatever years you hopefully paid your federal taxes and SS, Medicare, and Medicaid fee is there to cover your extended family members. It’s not.
It’s to cover the elderly who paid into the system here their working years. Similarly your taxes to USA are to cover what you use and your children (who don’t pay taxes yet), whilst you pay into the system.
Otherwise, the system would collapse, as it would in Canada or Europe if suddenly everyone flew in their 65-80 yo sickly elders and put them on Medicaid claiming that’s cool b/c you paid some taxes here after grad school.

And yes, part of the application to sponsor a family member for a green card is to examine your finances and housing situation to prove you can *sponsor* a countryman. Maybe there are carve outs for elderly parents, but that again points to a burden on the system, not you or them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing to do with whisking a baby or toddler or child away. This is just a naive boondoggle with tons of risk to the child, health, safety, routine, diet, etc.

Plus, she’s not dying. op update confirmed that, she’s functioning pretty normally.

Still don’t understand if Op even has a fulltime job. Or what other adult family members are around. Or what region or country we’re even talking about.

Unless the OP is traveling to a war zone what is the risk to the child, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I appreciate all for your organized thoughts and advices. I am grateful for them and gave me points to reflect on about the situation and our relationship long term.

My mom isn't gravely ill yet but her body no longer listens to treatment, so I feel a loss of control and a sense of urgency. My mom enjoys seeing her grandchild and I wanted to share that joy with her during her remaining years or months. As someone mentioned, I do feel a sense of duty and I was selfishly hoping to take the kid with me on the trip for an extended period of time. That may have been the source of my frustration, which someone already mentioned. DW's unwillingness to part with DC may be a bit of separation anxiety which may be driven by maternal instincts and mother-son bond being disrupted. Is 2 weeks away from mom that critical to child development in the long term? Part of my frustration is that I would do the same for her should this situation inevitably arise for her in her lifetime. I envisioned spouses covering for each other in a marriage.

Since some have questioned, the trapped feeling comes from inability to urgently leave and see my mom and being tied here as a head of household/husband/father. I am also a son and is a role I want to embrace before I lose it. Many times, I feel that dads/husbands have to suppress our feelings to be dependable. She and I had conversations before about getting a more 'wholesome' childcare/help but went nowhere. She doesn't like au pairs living in house and full time nanny/help would be costly for just one kid. This made me feel trapped. As some of you suggested, it seems split shift care providers exist, although rare and maybe throwing money at it is the only solution. I do acknowledge that my wife is in a demanding profession and could have been more accommodating. I am going to re-attempt to find help, as most recommended here and hope for a successful solution.

OP — for the sake of your marriage I hope you take seriously what I’m about to say here. For goodness sake, no one is asking you to not express your feelings! This is some kind of weird norm you have internalized.

Also, the way you talk about finding help is very telling. My wife doesn’t want an au pair or live in help so I feel trapped… oh, I guess part time help exists, according to you guys, so maybe I’ll look for it. Are you kidding me? You feel trapped and you haven’t even properly explored your options?

Grow up, OP. You need to understand that no one is going to read your mind. No one is going to hand you childcare on a plate. Your wife offered to go with you for one week, that’s a lot already. Go and see how it is. It’s not so easy to be traveling with a toddler and having them in an unfamiliar environment that’s not childproofed with no toys or activities is very challenging. I’m guessing your wife is the one by default who has to arrange the environment at home for the child. She has internalized the challenges. You don’t get it. You just want your kid there like a doll to entertain your dying mom.

Sorry to be harsh, but I just think you need to grow up and take some responsibility for your own situation, instead of whining that you’re stifled and trapped. Open your own mouth and express yourself. Take responsibility for making arrangements for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I appreciate all for your organized thoughts and advices. I am grateful for them and gave me points to reflect on about the situation and our relationship long term.

My mom isn't gravely ill yet but her body no longer listens to treatment, so I feel a loss of control and a sense of urgency. My mom enjoys seeing her grandchild and I wanted to share that joy with her during her remaining years or months. As someone mentioned, I do feel a sense of duty and I was selfishly hoping to take the kid with me on the trip for an extended period of time. That may have been the source of my frustration, which someone already mentioned. DW's unwillingness to part with DC may be a bit of separation anxiety which may be driven by maternal instincts and mother-son bond being disrupted. Is 2 weeks away from mom that critical to child development in the long term? Part of my frustration is that I would do the same for her should this situation inevitably arise for her in her lifetime. I envisioned spouses covering for each other in a marriage.

Since some have questioned, the trapped feeling comes from inability to urgently leave and see my mom and being tied here as a head of household/husband/father. I am also a son and is a role I want to embrace before I lose it. Many times, I feel that dads/husbands have to suppress our feelings to be dependable. She and I had conversations before about getting a more 'wholesome' childcare/help but went nowhere. She doesn't like au pairs living in house and full time nanny/help would be costly for just one kid. This made me feel trapped. As some of you suggested, it seems split shift care providers exist, although rare and maybe throwing money at it is the only solution. I do acknowledge that my wife is in a demanding profession and could have been more accommodating. I am going to re-attempt to find help, as most recommended here and hope for a successful solution.

OP — for the sake of your marriage I hope you take seriously what I’m about to say here. For goodness sake, no one is asking you to not express your feelings! This is some kind of weird norm you have internalized.

Also, the way you talk about finding help is very telling. My wife doesn’t want an au pair or live in help so I feel trapped… oh, I guess part time help exists, according to you guys, so maybe I’ll look for it. Are you kidding me? You feel trapped and you haven’t even properly explored your options?

Grow up, OP. You need to understand that no one is going to read your mind. No one is going to hand you childcare on a plate. Your wife offered to go with you for one week, that’s a lot already. Go and see how it is. It’s not so easy to be traveling with a toddler and having them in an unfamiliar environment that’s not childproofed with no toys or activities is very challenging. I’m guessing your wife is the one by default who has to arrange the environment at home for the child. She has internalized the challenges. You don’t get it. You just want your kid there like a doll to entertain your dying mom.

Sorry to be harsh, but I just think you need to grow up and take some responsibility for your own situation, instead of whining that you’re stifled and trapped. Open your own mouth and express yourself. Take responsibility for making arrangements for the child.

The above is gold. I hope you take this advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing to do with whisking a baby or toddler or child away. This is just a naive boondoggle with tons of risk to the child, health, safety, routine, diet, etc.

Plus, she’s not dying. op update confirmed that, she’s functioning pretty normally.

Still don’t understand if Op even has a fulltime job. Or what other adult family members are around. Or what region or country we’re even talking about.

Unless the OP is traveling to a war zone what is the risk to the child, exactly?

Lol.

Easy peasy lemon squeasy
- said the two ignorant characters from Dumb & Dumber, to everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing to do with whisking a baby or toddler or child away. This is just a naive boondoggle with tons of risk to the child, health, safety, routine, diet, etc.

Plus, she’s not dying. op update confirmed that, she’s functioning pretty normally.

Still don’t understand if Op even has a fulltime job. Or what other adult family members are around. Or what region or country we’re even talking about.

Unless the OP is traveling to a war zone what is the risk to the child, exactly?

Lol.

Easy peasy lemon squeasy
- said the two ignorant characters from Dumb & Dumber, to everything

So children never travel abroad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing to do with whisking a baby or toddler or child away. This is just a naive boondoggle with tons of risk to the child, health, safety, routine, diet, etc.

Plus, she’s not dying. op update confirmed that, she’s functioning pretty normally.

Still don’t understand if Op even has a fulltime job. Or what other adult family members are around. Or what region or country we’re even talking about.

Unless the OP is traveling to a war zone what is the risk to the child, exactly?

Lol.

Easy peasy lemon squeasy
- said the two ignorant characters from Dumb & Dumber, to everything

So children never travel abroad?

DP here who has lived abroad with a baby/toddler and travels frequently...if OP's wife isn't comfortable, that's fair and he should respect that. Some children are not very adaptable and/or some parents find it difficult to parent when traveling far. I think it's totally fair for OP to go on his own. But part of being a good and supportive partner is putting plans in place to make that easy/feasible for his wife, in this case something like having a reliable babysitter to assist with childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing to do with whisking a baby or toddler or child away. This is just a naive boondoggle with tons of risk to the child, health, safety, routine, diet, etc.

Plus, she’s not dying. op update confirmed that, she’s functioning pretty normally.

Still don’t understand if Op even has a fulltime job. Or what other adult family members are around. Or what region or country we’re even talking about.

Unless the OP is traveling to a war zone what is the risk to the child, exactly?

Lol.

Easy peasy lemon squeasy
- said the two ignorant characters from Dumb & Dumber, to everything

So children never travel abroad?

This guy is stymied by the prospect of calling the areas best known nanny service for a basic request, but is somehow going to get vaccinations and visa paperwork in order, a notarized letter to travel abroad, passports during a record backlog? Yeah ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing to do with whisking a baby or toddler or child away. This is just a naive boondoggle with tons of risk to the child, health, safety, routine, diet, etc.

Plus, she’s not dying. op update confirmed that, she’s functioning pretty normally.

Still don’t understand if Op even has a fulltime job. Or what other adult family members are around. Or what region or country we’re even talking about.

Unless the OP is traveling to a war zone what is the risk to the child, exactly?

Lol.

Easy peasy lemon squeasy
- said the two ignorant characters from Dumb & Dumber, to everything

So children never travel abroad?

This guy is stymied by the prospect of calling the areas best known nanny service for a basic request, but is somehow going to get vaccinations and visa paperwork in order, a notarized letter to travel abroad, passports during a record backlog? Yeah ok.

Did he say they don’t have a passport? And most countries don’t need special vaccinations. It’s always amazing how people manage to spin fantastical yarns absent any facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing to do with whisking a baby or toddler or child away. This is just a naive boondoggle with tons of risk to the child, health, safety, routine, diet, etc.

Plus, she’s not dying. op update confirmed that, she’s functioning pretty normally.

Still don’t understand if Op even has a fulltime job. Or what other adult family members are around. Or what region or country we’re even talking about.

Unless the OP is traveling to a war zone what is the risk to the child, exactly?

Lol.

Easy peasy lemon squeasy
- said the two ignorant characters from Dumb & Dumber, to everything

So children never travel abroad?

Yeah, newborns, babies, toddlers can with whatever idiot buys them a ticket. Or forgets to buy them a Intl lap ticket. I’ve seen parents show up w a lap child and no child ticket ticket and try to talk their way on an international flight. To no avail of course.

Never know just how consistently dumb someone is until you really test them. Why not do it with a 1-2 yo, an adult male, and a 12+ hour flight to the homeland for a 1++ weeks. Sounds awesome! As long as it’s someone else kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing to do with whisking a baby or toddler or child away. This is just a naive boondoggle with tons of risk to the child, health, safety, routine, diet, etc.

Plus, she’s not dying. op update confirmed that, she’s functioning pretty normally.

Still don’t understand if Op even has a fulltime job. Or what other adult family members are around. Or what region or country we’re even talking about.

Unless the OP is traveling to a war zone what is the risk to the child, exactly?

Lol.

Easy peasy lemon squeasy
- said the two ignorant characters from Dumb & Dumber, to everything

So children never travel abroad?

This guy is stymied by the prospect of calling the areas best known nanny service for a basic request, but is somehow going to get vaccinations and visa paperwork in order, a notarized letter to travel abroad, passports during a record backlog? Yeah ok.

Did he say they don’t have a passport? And most countries don’t need special vaccinations. It’s always amazing how people manage to spin fantastical yarns absent any facts.

He didn’t say much of anything besides he drives the baby to day care all day.