Feeling Trapped In Parenthood/Relationship

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have been married for a few years now and we have a toddler under 2 years old. We both work full time but my wife has to work on site on weekdays and some weekends. I handle the drop offs and she handles the pick ups on most days. On weekends that she has to go into work, I solo parent.

My mom is currently ill with metastatic cancer and I don't know how long she will live. She lives in a foreign country so I always feel guilty that I am not able to take care of her more often. I try to zoom with her for an average of 4x a week (30 min each) so that my mom can say hi to our son but it's not the same meeting in person. So I feel the need to go visit.

My wife and I discussed going as a family to visit but my wife can't take more than a week off. I asked my wife to return to the US alone after a week and I can stay with the kid for 1-2 more weeks and come back with the kid. She vetoed the idea b/c she didn't want to be apart from the baby. I completely understand her fear. So I suggested that she should stay in the US with the kid and I can go for 1-2 weeks by myself and she didn't like that either and asked for a temporary live in nanny to help with morning prep to send to daycare, pick up, and putting baby to sleep. There's absolutely no nanny that will do fragmented hours for 1-2 week only. She's essentially saying I can't go alone b/c taking care of kid is too burdensome for her alone but I can't take the kid with me alone either. I feel trapped with no good options. I envisioned married couples would cover for each other when urgent situations arose. I cover for her on the weekends that she works and also when her grandparent passed away.

Why can't she step up and cover for me while I visit my mom (or be apart from the kid for 1-2 weeks if she can't handle the burden of solo parenting?). Am I being unreasonable in asking for 'coverage' while I visit my ailing mom or taking the kid? Do you have any recommendation on a solution? All thoughts appreciated.

[Anonymous]

White House Nannies offers emergency/temporary care: https://www.whitehousenannies.com/services/temporary-care/

[Anonymous]

I'd hire a temp/emergency nanny.

She's saying she needs help if you're gone. She probably does-she works full time including some weekends. Hire some help and go see your mom!

Being annoyed at the wife isn't going to help. You and wife both have your hands full-get the help and go see your mom, knowing that your wife is ok at home with dc with help. I think the stress of your mom's illness is coloring your response to your wife.

I'm sorry about your mom.

[Anonymous]

I travel for work a lot. We have two regular babysitters that also come in in the mornings when I travel. You need to set yourselves up with much more support, to be able to go on dates etc. Don’t neglect the marriage and don’t blame your wife. I’m really sorry to hear about your mom.

[Anonymous]

I’m a mom, and I think your wife is being obnoxious. If she can’t handle the kid and work, you have a perfectly good alternative of taking the kid with you. Her pearl clutching about being away from a toddler for 1-2 weeks is ridiculous.

Now, that said, just getting mad at her won’t solve this. I think you may want to start by discussing her anxiety about being away from the kid. What is really driving that? If it was just one week apart instead of two, does that compromise work? If she anxious in other parts of her life and perhaps needs therapist/medication? Of course, the other option is to help her piece together some care. If you pay a premium, a college kid might help you. You could try to sitter services. And I agree with the poster that said you should probably line up some babysitter anyway.

[Anonymous]

When are you hoping to go? Many college students will be coming home for the summer in two weeks and high schoolers are done in June. This is a perfect job for a neighborhood teenager home for the summer. I would reach out on neighborhood Facebook page or nextdoor

[Anonymous]

You can absolutely hire a temporary nanny through a service or a college student, they will be home very soon.

I am sorry about your mom, OP. I think the stress has you locked into black and white thinking and a fight or flight response to your wife.

Safe travels.

When back, find a regular college or HS sitter and go on at least biweekly date nights with your wife. You need to invest in that relationship too.

[Anonymous]

Your wife's job is part of the problem. I say this as a mom with a high-powered career. Weekend work and inability to take a week off for an urgent family medical situation is incompatible with having a young family. She should be looking for a different job. However, I wouldn't bring that up right now and add stress; she seems to already be stressed out.

I second the suggestion to hire a nanny to help out while you visit your mom. And yes YOU should hire the nanny and do all the interviewing, setup, logistics, pay discussions, etc. to take that off your wife's plate.

When things are calmer try to talk constructively about work/life balance for both of you, and getting some regular (non-work time) help to go on dates together.

Very sorry about your mom -- going through that in my own family. Please try to make space to be closer to your wife in this situation rather than pushing her away or finding fault with her. Having a <2yo who is mobile is among the toughest stages of parenthood, I hated it, and it can add unimaginable stress to a relationship.

[Anonymous]

This sort of reminds me of our son-in-law. I watch my granddaughter full time in their home while the parents work, and sometimes it would be far easier if I could take the toddler with me overnight to our country home because there's a lot more space. He won't allow it because he says he'll miss the baby. He's a great guy and a great dad but I'm not gonna lie -- this annoys me. I'm mainly talking about days where he is scheduled to work late (as in, won't get home until the toddler is in bed) anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can absolutely hire a temporary nanny through a service or a college student, they will be home very soon.

I am sorry about your mom, OP. I think the stress has you locked into black and white thinking and a fight or flight response to your wife.

Safe travels.

When back, find a regular college or HS sitter and go on at least biweekly date nights with your wife. You need to invest in that relationship too.

+1 Absolutely this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'd hire a temp/emergency nanny.

She's saying she needs help if you're gone. She probably does-she works full time including some weekends. Hire some help and go see your mom!

Being annoyed at the wife isn't going to help. You and wife both have your hands full-get the help and go see your mom, knowing that your wife is ok at home with dc with help. I think the stress of your mom's illness is coloring your response to your wife.

I'm sorry about your mom.

Yes, this. You guys need more help. Instead of fighting her try to make the situation work. You want to go and visit your parents. She doesn’t want to be away from a toddler for a long stretch. Honestly, as a working mom, I understand her perspective. The child is probably still at an age where they are primarily bonded to her, especially if nursing is involved. For a toddler with no theory of mind it can disrupt the attachment bond to be away from a parent for so long.

I say go with the family for a week, and find help so you can take another week there (either consecutively or not). There is definitely help out there for these situations and you should be prepared to pay a premium since it’s short term and not a daily expense.

Most importantly — do not turn this into you vs your wife. Both of you have valid perspectives. She is trying to keep herself afloat during a stressful time.

[Anonymous]

I also think you don’t understand your wife’s perspective. After a year of pregnancy and then nursing, she’s probably much more depleted than you. The idea that she can’t handle the solo parenting is based on a comparison with you. You haven’t done the whole working while pregnant/nursing while pregnant thing. You have no idea what it takes to get yourself back after that. Listen to what she says she needs and stop second guessing her.

[Anonymous]

I would advice against taking a 2 year old to another country while you going there to care for your dying mother. She may pass away while you are there. You need to focus on her. You don't want baby to get sick or have any travel related issue and creat distraction. Also its not good for the baby. Just go for a week and spend it all with your mom. Life is complicated for immigrants with family back home.

[Anonymous]

Pay for a nanny- summers have lots of good college talent looking.
You go yourself.
Assuming your Minh as a treatment plan and things are going well? You don’t mention her status. Odd are good she will get the cancer out, do chemo, and it will not return.

Has she gone through that already or is it to come? Either way, go visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sort of reminds me of our son-in-law. I watch my granddaughter full time in their home while the parents work, and sometimes it would be far easier if I could take the toddler with me overnight to our country home because there's a lot more space. He won't allow it because he says he'll miss the baby. He's a great guy and a great dad but I'm not gonna lie -- this annoys me. I'm mainly talking about days where he is scheduled to work late (as in, won't get home until the toddler is in bed) anyway.

Understand.

My spouse wants to see his kids “on demand” when convenient for himself, even through he doesn’t do anything particular with them and bows out if the bedtime routine entirely. So annoying. It’s like the kids are an ego prop.