Feeling Trapped In Parenthood/Relationship
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Anonymous
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Exactly.
Who cares if he's never traveled anywhere with a baby for a week by himself. |
Anonymous
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My husband's family is in another country. I take the kids solo when he's had to go home to manage ailing parent stuff.
I agree with the pps who are encouraging you to go alone. You need this time with your mom. The child - esp a 2yo - will just add stress. When my husband has had to leave we just get extra help. Babysitter to give me a few hours off here and there has been sufficient for me, but if your wife needs more help, that's ok too. We have this saying in our family that sometimes the only thing to be done is to throw money at the problem. When your mom is dying in another country, that's one of those times. |
Anonymous
Most people get it. It's easily over 2/3s of the dads out there. They're a parent in label only, and show up for fun time or what they're explicitly told to do. Not health issues, food cooking, appt making, packing for trips, minding the clothes fit, developing extra curriculars, finding relevant sitters or classes for child, teaching age appropriate skills, finding social development and kid friend playdates, maintaining proper stroller, car seats, everything sizes, checking child milestones/liasing with pediatrician, and so on. |
Anonymous
| Your wife is a wimp |
Anonymous
Baby Sitting: Feed baby what Mom instructed, and when. Do fun stuff in the playroom or at the park. Give a nap at the times Mom instructed. Check diaper every few hours. Dress baby in what Mom instructed given the weather and activity. Keep toddler safe and out of danger. health and safety always first. Caregiving: Manage, buy, and prepare meals and snacks for toddler Manage, buy, and procure appropriate clothes and shoes for toddler. Manage and tweak proper sleep and eating schedule for toddler Manage and procure age-appropriate activities and toys for toddler Monitor health of child, have OTC meds ready, know which doctor to call for what. Keep toddler safe and out of danger. health and safety always first. |
Anonymous
There absolutely ARE nannies that would do a 1-2 week gig. Get your butt on Care.com and interview 3-5 of them, and then spend an hour training one up for the week you go. Show them where to drive, what vehicle they will drive. Introduce them to your baby. Type up the typical day or weekly schedule. Train the nanny. BTDT. Try Nextdoor.com too in case someone is quite local to your house. |
Anonymous
sounds like she's a doctor or nurse schedule, and takes weekend hours and shifts. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. It makes no sense for OP to take the kid solo. What a nightmare. Op & spouse should work together to hire someone who can help with the kid when op is away. Op’s wife should be flexible about what that looks like. Morning help might be tough. Can she go to work an hour late and have someone help in the evenings while she stays an hour later? Have someone come on the weekends so she can catch up/nap? |
Anonymous
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You know that your wife can hire whatever help she needs/wants once your butt is out the door right? You are kidding yourself if you think she’s not going to do this, I sure would, and I might even pull the kid from daycare or just pay the nanny to be there to get the kid from daycare so I could work, again once your gone, she can spend whatever money she’d like and hire someone for as long as she’d like even if much of their time is to sit at the house and wait for her to call.
Realize that while you’re gone, she’s still working, and daycare has a way of calling when it is awful for you as a parent, the kid gets an ear infection so you have to miss work.. the kid pukes so you have to miss work, all things that are minor but are very difficult when working and parenting solo, i.e. your husband, the man you married is not physically able to come home and so much as give you a hug or be in the same house because it’s 2:00 in the morning, your kid is in pain, you’re overtired and it’s a long way until morning. One could argue that you aren’t being supportive of her if you’re willing to put her in this position and expect her to do it solo. She wants to hire help, let her. Caring your kid solo on the weekends may be lonely, but at least you don’t have the pressure to be out the door at a certain time. Nobody will care if you miss baby music class, not even the baby for whom this benefits. If you don’t want your wife to work weekends, tell her. You are well within your rights to say that you are missing family time and couple time. The wife taking a couple hours of PTO is the worst of all worlds, 2 hours a day of pto burns leave real quick, and she’ll still have all the “going to work” drama, getting ready, leaving, hoping like hell daycare doesn’t call, then getting home, it’s one reason I didn’t ever want to work part-time. As for you taking the baby overseas, the person who mentioned things like formula and the like is correct. I hope you aren’t expecting another woman to care for your kid, or that worked for your mom will work for you. My parents are great, but I can remember being shocked at how little they remembered about things like toddler proffing their house. Obviously they got something right, I’m still here, but I well remember how sloppy they were at leaving objects out that weren’t safe for a toddler to be around and them thinking “They’ll just know to stay away from it”. In time that’s true, but under 2 is not that time. How much care are you going to be providing for your mom with caring for your son who will be jetlagged, not used to the food, maybe not used to the water, and may be a bear when it’s bedtime and he misses his mom? You aren’t as stabilizing a force as you think, what you think of as “mom’s house’ will be a new environment to him. Are you actually going to care for your mom or just visit her? Be clear in your mind. I personally wouldn’t want my kid going overseas without me. I’d be afraid the kid may not come back.. we may get another travel restriction. A husband may decide or feel he need to stay longer and longer and longer, and before I know it, he’s met a girl and want to marry her and the kid is now used to the country and “hasn’t seen you in awhile. These things do happen. It’s way more then “she’ll miss the baby” and if you don’t understand that, I’m sorry. As sad as it is, you don’t have to go see your mom. Like it or not, there are differences in traveling overseas that you simply don’t get when you stay in country… any country. If you do go, don’t take the kid. I’d also as your wife want full power of attorney so I could do whatever I needed while you were gone. If I want to sell the house, I can. If I need to get into your 401k, I can. Whatever I need to function, I get. We live in a world where people expect to have ready access to their spouse, or their spouse’s information and money. I’d also want to be able to easily divorce you should I need or want to. Again, you’re leaving me to go to a place where you have roots, history and family, it isn’t illogical to think that you may choose or not be able to return.. in which case I need and derserve to go about my life and be able to make whatever decisions along with the legal teeth behind them so that I can live successfully. If you won’t do this, think about why. Does your wife have ties to your home country other then you? Finally, prioritize the marriage. Working weekends and parenting solo can ruin a marriage. Family and couple time matter. It’s not nice to expect warm fuzzy treatment from your spouse when you yourself aren’t providing it.. which you aren’t. The fact that you expect her to work and parent solo speaks volumes. You also seem to have no concept what working on-site looks like. Part of it is that yes, you do need to be there. |
Anonymous
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Why are you feeling trapped OP?
You wife listened to you and said you should go but she needs live in help or someone to help with morning and after day care routine or weekends. If she is a doctor, PA or nurse with various hours or shifts this makes total sense. Get a move on. Book your flight and start searching for responsible live in help for that week or two. |
Anonymous
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I’m a dentist. I can’t make it to anything at school unless I book it four weeks in advance.
We used to offer Saturday morning appts and some days 7am onward. That was tough as a parent. |
Anonymous
Did you just ask Why can’t she step up and solo parent? I hope this tone or reaction is just your stress talking. First off, you ain’t a solo parent either Joe. Your wife does day care drop off, you do the pick up and you play with the kid when some “sometimes has to work on the weekends.” Unclear if you work from home or hybrid or an office most days. Or if you are both equal pay or there is a breadwinner. Second off, she told you she needs sitter coverage if you’re going on a 1-2 week trip. She needs it due to the nature of her job, the nature of kids under age 12, and to keep the house and kid running in schedule and routine. |
Anonymous
Not at all. OP has perspective-taking issues. Many have laid out an abundance of reasons OPs wife should not be comfortable with this. |
Anonymous
| Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country? |
Anonymous
This is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on DCUM, so congratulations. |