Feeling Trapped In Parenthood/Relationship

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Does your wife have family (e.g. her mom or dad, sister, aunt, niece, anyone) who can temporarily move in to help? If not, backup plan would be hiring a nanny or nanny share.

TBH if I were in this situation I would definitely request leave from work to support my partner and family, and unless she's in a very specific situation like medical residency or fellowship, agree it's a potential red flag that she feels like she can't.

[Anonymous]

Wild that so many people think “baby is too young” on this thread. There are babies all over the world. Unless you are going to a conflict zone, or a place where the baby would need a ton of shots and take preventative meds (like for malaria) or there’s some other dangerous endemic disease, I personally don’t see why not to take baby. But, you should get some kind of baby helper while you’re there because you want to be able to focus on your mom at times.

I find your wife’s attitude that you can’t take the baby for 2-3 weeks to another country to see your dying Mom to be incredibly selfish. This is the last time your Mom may be able to see baby. Last time for you to build significant memories with your baby and her, take pictures, and build memories with your Mom about your own childhood and child-raising, etc.

I would maybe try again with wife, but only after you have found childcare at your Mom’s. Also consider that you go for 3 weeks and have Mom visit you for the middle week. That way she’s only away for a week at a time.

Obviously, try not to be resentful that your wife is so selfish when you re-present the idea.

[Anonymous]

Is she actively helping to find a solution so that you can visit your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wild that so many people think “baby is too young” on this thread. There are babies all over the world. Unless you are going to a conflict zone, or a place where the baby would need a ton of shots and take preventative meds (like for malaria) or there’s some other dangerous endemic disease, I personally don’t see why not to take baby. But, you should get some kind of baby helper while you’re there because you want to be able to focus on your mom at times.

I find your wife’s attitude that you can’t take the baby for 2-3 weeks to another country to see your dying Mom to be incredibly selfish. This is the last time your Mom may be able to see baby. Last time for you to build significant memories with your baby and her, take pictures, and build memories with your Mom about your own childhood and child-raising, etc.

I would maybe try again with wife, but only after you have found childcare at your Mom’s. Also consider that you go for 3 weeks and have Mom visit you for the middle week. That way she’s only away for a week at a time.

Obviously, try not to be resentful that your wife is so selfish when you re-present the idea.

Wrong. You are selfish. Thinking a child is a prop to show around and pack on a long flight, show off in the homeland, “build memories” with? That seems all about OP and his mom. No idea how sick or not she is. No idea what kind of actual caretaker Op is but if something bad happens it will be 100% on him and could be devastating.

We took a baby and toddler on a 14 hour flight for a trip. Both got ear infections and sick in the flight and we went back and forth to doctors upon arrival and the whole first week.
It was miserable.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say the idea that a nanny/babysitter wouldn't take a job that's a few hours a week is FALSE, that's what our regular date night sitter does and she loves it. She has a day job full-time and likes the reliable extra cash but low time commitment. You wouldn't be able to retain a full-time nanny as her *primary employer* but you would certainly be able to find a student or someone with a regular other job.

[Anonymous]

Omg.

Is someone advising that the dad interview, vet, hire and train a caretaker in another country so he can take a baby himself and check out?


Wow. On what planet does that a child gets pawned off like that? Meanwhile the actual mother and paid day care is back in Washington DC working.

[Anonymous]

Op needs to go himself, after setting up a sitter

OPs wife needs to save her vacation days for the funeral. If there is no funereal or death, they can all go there when jobs allow soon.

[Anonymous]

Stop guessing what your mom needs and when OP and talk to her and your father and family there on the ground.

[Anonymous]

This is typical male guilt of not living near his parent(s).

Mine blurts out the same stuff- let’s spend all summer there (kids get kicked off their teams, we lose money on the camps we already signed up for, and kids are bored, miss their friends).

The solution is always something in the middle. And involved verbal communication together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

Exactly why the elderly parent pull-in waits by green card and new citizens are 20+ years long for many countries like India, Pakistan, Mexico, UK, all of Central America, etc. Foreigners are advised to put their parents on the USA immigration list the minute the adult children get their green cards or citizenship. or turn 18 yo if born here.

Very common immigration tactic. But the wait is very long. Maybe the emergency angle would help but America and its health care system and hospitals cannot serve all current immigrants sickly and diseased parents to come here and get free treatment. And it is free to them; they themselves paid in nothing to the system over the years. Not via income tax, property tax, sales tax, Medicaid, SS, etc. Net negative

This is not correct.
Foreign parents of US citizens are considered immediate relatives and there is no waiting time for the green card. The 10-20 year wait lists are for the foreign siblings of US citizens.

Exactly: my mom was temporary green card holder in 3 months from applying, and I moved her into my home right away as soon I got my US citizenship. Also not correct that these people didn't pay anything into US system. Their children do pay taxes. I paid so much taxes over the course of my work life in the US and won't be eligible for Medicaid as high earner. I don't think it's unethical for my mother to be eligible: I paid taxes sufficient to maintain several retirees already.

[Anonymous]

OP: as a solution tell your wife you are applying for green card and will be brining your mom to take care of her last days at your house. Your wife will be amendable immediately for you to visit your parent. WIN-WIN!

[Anonymous]

I took my 18 month old with me to visit my very ill sibling on a five hour flight. We stayed for a week, it was fine because my parents had also flown out and we took turns watching my child and sitting with my sibling. 18 months old is very manageable on a long flight (and mine was not a super hard child but also not a super easy one). It is a lot of work for the parent. I was also 5 months pregnant with DC2.

I came home and went back two weeks later to visit sibling again, this time without my child. DC was fine without me for a week, and DH managed (and he is in big law ) - you just explain it’s a family emergency and most employers will be supportive. Also, most daycares have long hours - it’s not 9-5, it’s like 7-6.

Part of the point of visiting when someone is ill is to spend some time with them every day, rarely is it 8 hrs - they are sleeping, seeing the doctors, etc, and you just want to be there to spend some time with them over an extended period. It’s fine to have a child around.

We did hire help when my sibling entered hospice and was dying because I wanted to be able to spend as much time as possible the last two weeks. Sibling was only an hour drive away, so that was ok - I could help in the mornings and then would stay late or occasionally overnight.

Op you are right to feel upset that your DW is being unsupportive, and I would try to have a calm conversation about this and work out a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op needs to go himself, after setting up a sitter

OPs wife needs to save her vacation days for the funeral. If there is no funereal or death, they can all go there when jobs allow soon.

OP’s wife can be supportive of her DH while he’s going to see his dying mom. She can set up the childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

Exactly why the elderly parent pull-in waits by green card and new citizens are 20+ years long for many countries like India, Pakistan, Mexico, UK, all of Central America, etc. Foreigners are advised to put their parents on the USA immigration list the minute the adult children get their green cards or citizenship. or turn 18 yo if born here.

Very common immigration tactic. But the wait is very long. Maybe the emergency angle would help but America and its health care system and hospitals cannot serve all current immigrants sickly and diseased parents to come here and get free treatment. And it is free to them; they themselves paid in nothing to the system over the years. Not via income tax, property tax, sales tax, Medicaid, SS, etc. Net negative

This is not correct.
Foreign parents of US citizens are considered immediate relatives and there is no waiting time for the green card. The 10-20 year wait lists are for the foreign siblings of US citizens.

Exactly: my mom was temporary green card holder in 3 months from applying, and I moved her into my home right away as soon I got my US citizenship. Also not correct that these people didn't pay anything into US system. Their children do pay taxes. I paid so much taxes over the course of my work life in the US and won't be eligible for Medicaid as high earner. I don't think it's unethical for my mother to be eligible: I paid taxes sufficient to maintain several retirees already.

It doesn’t work backwards like that. One generation, in this case an elderly immigrant of an immigrant, paid in nothing and gets everything. You’re describing a ponci scheme. Same reason social security will be depleted in 30 years and is essentially a tax to anyone under age 50. You can’t start a social network by giving away stuff to net takers. Even pretending there will be millions of future on-the books immigrants (no cash pay remittances/black market) and a 3 child fertility rates won’t fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: as a solution tell your wife you are applying for green card and will be brining your mom to take care of her last days at your house. Your wife will be amendable immediately for you to visit your parent. WIN-WIN!

She already is amenable. They need to work out childcare help; she doesn’t have an office job playing in her phone like DCUM peeps. She’s on-site shift work.