Feeling Trapped In Parenthood/Relationship

[Anonymous]

I'd be worried that unhappy "trapped" feeling OP would take the kid and not come back tbh. Did you grow up there, OP, or in the US? If there, is a genuine possibility and if you think family court is a nightmare here, imagine if it's international. Might not be easy for DW to assert rights. Your attitude is not one of being invested in the family you created and she is picking up on that, perhaps?

Your ideas re: how easy it will be to care for a very ill elderly person and a toddler out of their normal routine might be a bit optimistic.

Hope you can work it all out. You should definitely go and plan to spend a month if you can.

[Anonymous]

Something is off here with this entire Op post. And lack of circling back in any form.

Not good.

Get marital counseling, something is off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is typical male guilt of not living near his parent(s).

Mine blurts out the same stuff- let’s spend all summer there (kids get kicked off their teams, we lose money on the camps we already signed up for, and kids are bored, miss their friends).

The solution is always something in the middle. And involved verbal communication together.

This. Also, we don’t know if the DW does all the night parenting. A child at that age could definitely have their bond disrupted by being separated from mom for so long.

[Anonymous]

Let’s start with the fact that OP is not “trapped.”

At a minimum his wife said Go visit your Mom but let’s find childcare coverage given my job demands.

But looking at the tone and diction and wild accusations in the Op, there may be significant stewing marital difficulties so this may be OP’s opportunity to take the kid abroad and never return. That would make the grandmother so happy.

[Anonymous]

OP here

I appreciate all for your organized thoughts and advices. I am grateful for them and gave me points to reflect on about the situation and our relationship long term.

My mom isn't gravely ill yet but her body no longer listens to treatment, so I feel a loss of control and a sense of urgency. My mom enjoys seeing her grandchild and I wanted to share that joy with her during her remaining years or months. As someone mentioned, I do feel a sense of duty and I was selfishly hoping to take the kid with me on the trip for an extended period of time. That may have been the source of my frustration, which someone already mentioned. DW's unwillingness to part with DC may be a bit of separation anxiety which may be driven by maternal instincts and mother-son bond being disrupted. Is 2 weeks away from mom that critical to child development in the long term? Part of my frustration is that I would do the same for her should this situation inevitably arise for her in her lifetime. I envisioned spouses covering for each other in a marriage.

Since some have questioned, the trapped feeling comes from inability to urgently leave and see my mom and being tied here as a head of household/husband/father. I am also a son and is a role I want to embrace before I lose it. Many times, I feel that dads/husbands have to suppress our feelings to be dependable. She and I had conversations before about getting a more 'wholesome' childcare/help but went nowhere. She doesn't like au pairs living in house and full time nanny/help would be costly for just one kid. This made me feel trapped. As some of you suggested, it seems split shift care providers exist, although rare and maybe throwing money at it is the only solution. I do acknowledge that my wife is in a demanding profession and could have been more accommodating. I am going to re-attempt to find help, as most recommended here and hope for a successful solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I appreciate all for your organized thoughts and advices. I am grateful for them and gave me points to reflect on about the situation and our relationship long term.

My mom isn't gravely ill yet but her body no longer listens to treatment, so I feel a loss of control and a sense of urgency. My mom enjoys seeing her grandchild and I wanted to share that joy with her during her remaining years or months. As someone mentioned, I do feel a sense of duty and I was selfishly hoping to take the kid with me on the trip for an extended period of time. That may have been the source of my frustration, which someone already mentioned. DW's unwillingness to part with DC may be a bit of separation anxiety which may be driven by maternal instincts and mother-son bond being disrupted. Is 2 weeks away from mom that critical to child development in the long term? Part of my frustration is that I would do the same for her should this situation inevitably arise for her in her lifetime. I envisioned spouses covering for each other in a marriage.

Since some have questioned, the trapped feeling comes from inability to urgently leave and see my mom and being tied here as a head of household/husband/father. I am also a son and is a role I want to embrace before I lose it. Many times, I feel that dads/husbands have to suppress our feelings to be dependable. She and I had conversations before about getting a more 'wholesome' childcare/help but went nowhere. She doesn't like au pairs living in house and full time nanny/help would be costly for just one kid. This made me feel trapped. As some of you suggested, it seems split shift care providers exist, although rare and maybe throwing money at it is the only solution. I do acknowledge that my wife is in a demanding profession and could have been more accommodating. I am going to re-attempt to find help, as most recommended here and hope for a successful solution.

This is unique to the mother and child in question. Your wife is in a demanding field so she probably relies on high-quality-small-quantity interaction with her child— yeah losing two weeks of that is a big deal. Whether someone else wouldn’t think so is irrelevant.

Your family obviously relies on your wife’s income. Therefore you aren’t “covering” for her when she works weekends— you are doing the household tasks needed to ensure you maintain your lifestyle. The attitude that she somehow owes you for that, and that you are “the head of the household” in which her earnings maintain the household, is incredibly toxic and misogynistic.

Yes, at this age, you throw money at problems to get good solutions. White House Nannies is excellent and will definitely do a two-week placement.

[Anonymous]

Many times, I feel that dads/husbands have to suppress our feelings to be dependable.

This literally made me gasp. What do you think mothers do? What do you think people do? Jesus OP. I’m the single mom MD who wrote earlier and pragmatically suggested you find help. I’ll amend my post to say if I was your DW I would never, ever let you take our child overseas alone, because I’m fairly certain you’d cancel or change your return date if needed, and find a way to justify it. Your thinking about roles, parenting, entitlement, and where your responsibilities lie is disordered.

[Anonymous]

Kids and wife come first.

Don’t take your baby; it is not your duty to do that to everyone whatsoever. That’s some fantasy you have in your head grounded in zero childcare experience or baby travel experience. You said it yourself, you want to do it only to please your mother.

[Anonymous]

OP make calls to agencies to line up childcare and go see your mom. Perhaps a future trip by the 3 of you can also be planned. Safe travels.

I can see why your tone and attitude make your DW uneasy. Not entirely sure you are completely invested in the family you have created. I could also see you postponing your return.

Having young kids and aging parents is not easy. Best to have plans in place. If you are fortunate enough to have $, it helps re: childcare.

[Anonymous]

It’s not ridiculous to not want to be apart from your child that long. I really
Don’t get all you mothers that ARE ok with that! That being said, the DW is indeed being obnoxious and should step up for her DH. She’s being a selfish wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids and wife come first.

Don’t take your baby; it is not your duty to do that to everyone whatsoever. That’s some fantasy you have in your head grounded in zero childcare experience or baby travel experience. You said it yourself, you want to do it only to please your mother.

The dying grandmother might also like to see the baby.

[Anonymous]

I’m assuming your wife is a resident or something like that and really has the restrictions you are describing. Even still I really can’t understand why she would not go with you for a week and then come back with the baby when she has to work. You pay whatever you have to to get her help. It sounds like this might be the only chance for your kid to meet your mother (? Right?) and therefore I’d be willing to do some things that don’t “make sense “ like doing a lot of flying for a week only and paying for the extra childcare. The assumption would be this is a one time thing. I would be very sad and potentially resentful of my spouse if I could not take my child to me my mother. I think the other concerns about your ability to care for your child and see your mother depends a lot on her specific situation. If she’s in a hospice or a hospital setting where you can only bring your child for a few minutes at a time that would be really hard but possible if your wife came too.

[Anonymous]

Nothing to do with whisking a baby or toddler or child away. This is just a naive boondoggle with tons of risk to the child, health, safety, routine, diet, etc.

Plus, she’s not dying. op update confirmed that, she’s functioning pretty normally.

Still don’t understand if Op even has a fulltime job. Or what other adult family members are around. Or what region or country we’re even talking about.

[Anonymous]

Go by yourself now if it’s urgent or you can take off work or you want quality time with your mom and family of origin there. Take leave from your job.

Go later with your family of three for a week when you can use those vacation days. Do you rent a hotel or something nearby or are expected to squeeze in their house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids and wife come first.

Don’t take your baby; it is not your duty to do that to everyone whatsoever. That’s some fantasy you have in your head grounded in zero childcare experience or baby travel experience. You said it yourself, you want to do it only to please your mother.

The dying grandmother might also like to see the baby.

The grandmother isn’t dying, per the update.