Feeling Trapped In Parenthood/Relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would advice against taking a 2 year old to another country while you going there to care for your dying mother. She may pass away while you are there. You need to focus on her. You don't want baby to get sick or have any travel related issue and creat distraction. Also its not good for the baby. Just go for a week and spend it all with your mom. Life is complicated for immigrants with family back home.

+1

[Anonymous]

Good idea to look for a summer break nanny to handle mornings.

Maybe you can go for longer to make it a more attractive position. Can you go for 2 months and work from the other country? Your mom may not have much time left so you need to figure out something.

Another thought is that since your wife can’t take more than 1 week off, but can she use her PTO for 2 hours a day for 2 weeks so that she only works 6 hours a day? I would think most workplaces would try to accommodate that for a spouse in your situation.

[Anonymous]

I would have happily let my husband take the baby for a week without me. Sounds like it's toddler age not a newborn. I would have loved a break from my kid at that age (or really any age)! Your wife sounds kind of anxious and honestly not very compassionate given that your mom is has a terminal illness.

[Anonymous]

Metastatic cancer means it’s already spread.

What country or region is she in? Did anyone catch this for evasive treatment or advised to skip/too late?

How much time does she have?

What other caregivers are on the ground near here? Do you need to coordinate with your dad, siblings, aunts, cousins?

Can you take leave? Would you take leave? How much day to day help does she require, if any (nurses are inexpensive in some countries)

Can your wife’s family help out on the homefront if you go for a couple weeks?

Baby is too young and too needy for this trip. Plus if something bad happens to your mom or to the baby, still don’t know what country or HC system you are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would advice against taking a 2 year old to another country while you going there to care for your dying mother. She may pass away while you are there. You need to focus on her. You don't want baby to get sick or have any travel related issue and creat distraction. Also its not good for the baby. Just go for a week and spend it all with your mom. Life is complicated for immigrants with family back home.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have happily let my husband take the baby for a week without me. Sounds like it's toddler age not a newborn. I would have loved a break from my kid at that age (or really any age)! Your wife sounds kind of anxious and honestly not very compassionate given that your mom is has a terminal illness.

I wouldn’t.
Sounds like the toddler is in day care so Dad suddenly being a primary caregiver of an 18 mos old or whatever who is jetlagged, still on bottled milk and purées and in diapers is not easy.
My spouse could not and would not do it, maybe he’d underestimate it as easy but truth is it is not easy. He’s probably dump the upset kid on the first anutie or nurse he saw.
Even packing for such a baby’s trip or the actual airport/airplane/car seat debacle is not easy.

Is this an emerging market country? Do they have the same formula available? Require car seats? Can you drink the tap water when making formula? Will they respect the child’s diet or try out new spices and see what happens?

Maybe the mother can join with the baby for one of the weeks. Am still assuming this is a transatlantic or trans-north pole flight for the child and yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Btw, what’s with your subject line OP. You feel trapped in parenthood and your relationship?
You’re a parent! You’re married! You have child, house and spousal responsibilities!
You need to work together and come up with a sensible solution here. Not lash out.

Lots of good solutions here, some riskier than others. Lowest risk and most sensible is you hire help for your child and working wife whilst you visit your mother for a week or two. Especially if she’s very ill.

If she is not very ill, then plan a proper family vacation there when your wife can go. I sense you think it is your duty that your mother see in person this grandchild. But there are other considerations to make that happen well or be a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have happily let my husband take the baby for a week without me. Sounds like it's toddler age not a newborn. I would have loved a break from my kid at that age (or really any age)! Your wife sounds kind of anxious and honestly not very compassionate given that your mom is has a terminal illness.

+1. I don’t get these moms who have children with men they don’t trust to make care of the kids. Dad will figure it out. It might not be done exactly how you want it done, but the odds the kid dies or is deeply traumatized from a trip across the world are fairly slim.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I'm sorry OP for your mom's diagnosis and the stressful situation you're facing.

I have thoughts on your wife but that's neither here nor there. The important thing is how to solve the dilemma and get you to spend time with your mom. I think hiring help is the best way to go, both for your short term and long term needs. Right now it sounds like you guys don't have much downtime at all. Even though daycare is fine you still need backup care for days/times when something unexpected happens. Invest in some form of backup care, whether it be babysitter, college student on summer break, or WH Nanny, the point is you could use it, now and in the future.

Also, I hope this won't be the only trip you'll take to see your mom. So for that reason alone, you need to find someone who can supplement the daycare and take on weekends, so that you can visit your home country more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Metastatic cancer means it’s already spread.

What country or region is she in? Did anyone catch this for evasive treatment or advised to skip/too late?

How much time does she have?

What other caregivers are on the ground near here? Do you need to coordinate with your dad, siblings, aunts, cousins?

Can you take leave? Would you take leave? How much day to day help does she require, if any (nurses are inexpensive in some countries)

Can your wife’s family help out on the homefront if you go for a couple weeks?

Baby is too young and too needy for this trip. Plus if something bad happens to your mom or to the baby, still don’t know what country or HC system you are dealing with.

None of this is the issue at hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'd hire a temp/emergency nanny.

She's saying she needs help if you're gone. She probably does-she works full time including some weekends. Hire some help and go see your mom!

Being annoyed at the wife isn't going to help. You and wife both have your hands full-get the help and go see your mom, knowing that your wife is ok at home with dc with help. I think the stress of your mom's illness is coloring your response to your wife.

I'm sorry about your mom.

She can leave the child with OP while he visits with his mother. The grandmother might also like to spend time with a grandchild she seldom sees. Wife is being selfish.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, get temporary help for your DW and go visit your mom solo. This is the best solution, even if your wife is being completely unreasonable.

If you cannot afford temporary help, then you are going to have to work harder on a compromise. Is your wife's concern about being away from the kiddo just that she will miss him or does she worry that you will not be able to care for him while you are also with your mom? If the latter, depending on where you are going, it might be possible to find a local caregiver who can help give you support and your wife reassurance. Since you care for the kiddo solo many weekends, this fear seems misplaced, but fears are often not rational.

If it is really just the case that she will miss the kiddo, then I think you need to kick it back to her to come up with an idea/solution. I would not hesitate to tell my spouse, "I am going to see my dying mom for 2 weeks, and this is nonnegotiable. I am open to any one of a number of ways to make that less burdensome to you, but we need to find a way to make this work."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom, and I think your wife is being obnoxious. If she can’t handle the kid and work, you have a perfectly good alternative of taking the kid with you. Her pearl clutching about being away from a toddler for 1-2 weeks is ridiculous.

Now, that said, just getting mad at her won’t solve this. I think you may want to start by discussing her anxiety about being away from the kid. What is really driving that? If it was just one week apart instead of two, does that compromise work? If she anxious in other parts of her life and perhaps needs therapist/medication? Of course, the other option is to help her piece together some care. If you pay a premium, a college kid might help you. You could try to sitter services. And I agree with the poster that said you should probably line up some babysitter anyway.

This. OP, you are being perfectly reasonable - helping a spouse even when inconvenient/ hard is part of healthy marriages. Your wife is being cruel and selfish in not helping you find a solution to go see your mom for a few weeks.

My work offers subsidized emergency back-up care (which this would qualify). Do either of your employers offer that benefit? If not, there are other options (a nanny between full-time gigs, college student, etc). Good luck and hope you make it to see your mom soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'd hire a temp/emergency nanny.

She's saying she needs help if you're gone. She probably does-she works full time including some weekends. Hire some help and go see your mom!

Being annoyed at the wife isn't going to help. You and wife both have your hands full-get the help and go see your mom, knowing that your wife is ok at home with dc with help. I think the stress of your mom's illness is coloring your response to your wife.

I'm sorry about your mom.

She can leave the child with OP while he visits with his mother. The grandmother might also like to spend time with a grandchild she seldom sees. Wife is being selfish.

I think OP planning to care for the toddler alone in a foreign country while he's really there to visit his seriously ill mother is a bad idea. Under 2s are not exactly known for being able to do much of anything independently.

I do think the wife in this scenario needs to make the effort to help put care in place to support the husband going to visit his dying mother. I don't think that should totally be on the husband. He's not taking a vacation to pursue a hobby. He's got a family emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have happily let my husband take the baby for a week without me. Sounds like it's toddler age not a newborn. I would have loved a break from my kid at that age (or really any age)! Your wife sounds kind of anxious and honestly not very compassionate given that your mom is has a terminal illness.

I wouldn’t.
Sounds like the toddler is in day care so Dad suddenly being a primary caregiver of an 18 mos old or whatever who is jetlagged, still on bottled milk and purées and in diapers is not easy.
My spouse could not and would not do it, maybe he’d underestimate it as easy but truth is it is not easy. He’s probably dump the upset kid on the first anutie or nurse he saw.
Even packing for such a baby’s trip or the actual airport/airplane/car seat debacle is not easy.

Is this an emerging market country? Do they have the same formula available? Require car seats? Can you drink the tap water when making formula? Will they respect the child’s diet or try out new spices and see what happens?

Maybe the mother can join with the baby for one of the weeks. Am still assuming this is a transatlantic or trans-north pole flight for the child and yourselves.

Dad says he already solo parents on the weekend regularly. Plus, no one ever says about a mom “oh, that baby is in daycare and now mom has to solo parent for a few days, she can’t handle it.” Dad sounds like a great caregiver. And even if he was just average, who cares??