Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting that some people seem to think this is the norm, parents who are difficult and annoying who they would like to cut off and never see again.

I'm sure it happens but it's not typical in my experience, for me or the people I know. I get along fine with my adult kids, we treat each other with respect, always have.

Tell me, those of you who are suffering through this painful relationship with your parents, what are you doing now that you think will prevent this from happening with your own kids?

I still have a relationship with my parents, but I’ve created a lot of boundaries. Some of which they don’t like, but I don’t care. What am I doing with my own kids:
-not being emotionally abusive, including saying things like “you don’t love me” and spending every holiday locked in my room or crying
-have a healthy, functional relationship with my spouse where we sleep in the same bedroom, take vacations together, and show respect and affection for one another
-not emotionally needy when it comes to my kids; I don’t expect them to be my therapist
-I support my kids equally and don’t favor one over the others

My dh snores and I’m a light sleeper. We sleep in different rooms. I hope my children don’t decide to stop talking to me over it!

If you have a dysfunctional relationship they might… I guarantee you they’re probably embarrassed by it and your friends probably think you’re lying about the snoring and don’t have sec anymore. Sorry Karen!

I’m a “Karen” for wanting to sleep? Actually our relationship is great because I’m not constantly sleep deprived and the number of my children will testify to the healthy sex life we have. There are plenty of totally healthy couples that sleep separately due to snoring.

[Anonymous]

I agree. I wish I had cut my parents off after HS, or even college but I didn't have the guts. I was afraid to be financially independent. I regret that. I think it would have been tough, but I would have made it. I also desperately wanted our family to "work" and kept coming back trying to make it work.

My sibling left the state after HS and never came back, not even for our parents' funerals.

This generation is much more empowered.

I am close with my teens and I am not worried. I treat my teens like adults in the making giving them more and more responsibility and freedom each year. I am looking forward to seeing the adults they become. I respect them for the individuals they are. My parents never allowed me to have a different opinion, taste in music, movies, books, clothes, food etc. They would become very angry if I didn't conform to them 100%.

My own parents called me a disappointment, mediocre, hit me, belittled me, told me I would never succeed in my dream job (I am, BTW), told me they loved me b/c I was their kid but didn't like me, emotionally manipulated me into doing things I didn't want to do by weeping, acting depressed/suicidal. The list goes on.

As they say, the bar was so low it was painted on the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I wish I had cut my parents off after HS, or even college but I didn't have the guts. I was afraid to be financially independent. I regret that. I think it would have been tough, but I would have made it. I also desperately wanted our family to "work" and kept coming back trying to make it work.

My sibling left the state after HS and never came back, not even for our parents' funerals.

This generation is much more empowered.

I am close with my teens and I am not worried. I treat my teens like adults in the making giving them more and more responsibility and freedom each year. I am looking forward to seeing the adults they become. I respect them for the individuals they are. My parents never allowed me to have a different opinion, taste in music, movies, books, clothes, food etc. They would become very angry if I didn't conform to them 100%.

My own parents called me a disappointment, mediocre, hit me, belittled me, told me I would never succeed in my dream job (I am, BTW), told me they loved me b/c I was their kid but didn't like me, emotionally manipulated me into doing things I didn't want to do by weeping, acting depressed/suicidal. The list goes on.

As they say, the bar was so low it was painted on the floor.

I experienced the same and find it so strange especially now that I have kids. I don’t see why having a different opinion or taste threatened my parents so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really? You realize those "kids" are often being supported by their parents. I'd be fine if mine cut me off, but they will need to 100% support themselves - move out, pay for own college, health insurance, food, etc.

Since college is designed in such a way to force kids to remain financially dependent on parents after the age of 18, they'll just humor you until they get their degree and then use it to get a job and never speak to you again. And then you'll complain how they tricked you into paying for their college and they "owe" you time and affection, and they won't care because you've destroyed any chance at a functional relationship.

Good work.

Oh man, you and your parents are completely f’ed. normal families are not like yours. And normal kids are not like you. Complete loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I wish I had cut my parents off after HS, or even college but I didn't have the guts. I was afraid to be financially independent. I regret that. I think it would have been tough, but I would have made it. I also desperately wanted our family to "work" and kept coming back trying to make it work.

My sibling left the state after HS and never came back, not even for our parents' funerals.

This generation is much more empowered.

I am close with my teens and I am not worried. I treat my teens like adults in the making giving them more and more responsibility and freedom each year. I am looking forward to seeing the adults they become. I respect them for the individuals they are. My parents never allowed me to have a different opinion, taste in music, movies, books, clothes, food etc. They would become very angry if I didn't conform to them 100%.

My own parents called me a disappointment, mediocre, hit me, belittled me, told me I would never succeed in my dream job (I am, BTW), told me they loved me b/c I was their kid but didn't like me, emotionally manipulated me into doing things I didn't want to do by weeping, acting depressed/suicidal. The list goes on.

As they say, the bar was so low it was painted on the floor.

I experienced the same and find it so strange especially now that I have kids. I don’t see why having a different opinion or taste threatened my parents so much!

Thank you for saying that. It took me a long time to realize why I was so insecure in my judgment about things, and also why I was so afraid of being judged or people disagreeing with me.

I always told my kids growing up that it was totally fine and good to have a different opinion from me or anyone else in the family. I love ketchup on my scrambled eggs but if you think that's gross it's finer nd vice versa. We are all individuals. I was made to feel stupid and tacky and clueless for my taste when I was younger. Honestly I still struggle with making decisions now.

Sorry, if that was OT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of middle ground between super-close and completely cut off. DH and I have a good relationship with both sets of parents, but we’ve had some instances where we needed to establish boundaries with both sides. MIL still whines and complains that DH and I do not call her every day, but we’ve told her point blank that we are both busy working adults with two small children, so she’ll need to content herself with one call a week unless there’s an emergency or something. She hasn’t made peace with that, but oh well. She’d probably get more calls if she wasn’t such a PITA.

We’ve never cut off our parents and probably never would, but yes, we don’t take guilt trips or crap from them, and definitely never will.

You’re an ass. But I guess you know that. I work (main breadwinner) and have DCs. Yet somehow I manage to call my mom every day. I hope my DCs don’t turn out like you. Awful human being.

[Anonymous]

DP I never understood who want to talk on the phone with someone everyday let alone expect it. What on earth do you talk about everyday? Way too needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pendulum swings in both directions. Children need to understand that parents are often equally sick of them too.

Ok, then it sounds like you won’t be upset if you get cut off.

Sigh, some of you are so dense, bitter, and thinking you are more of a commodity than reality. The same way there are children who would not choose their parents again, there are (many) parents who feel the same. Trust me. It's just not socially acceptable to admit it out loud.

Then getting cutting should be a blessing. You sure have a lot of words trying to tell us you are not the bitter one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of middle ground between super-close and completely cut off. DH and I have a good relationship with both sets of parents, but we’ve had some instances where we needed to establish boundaries with both sides. MIL still whines and complains that DH and I do not call her every day, but we’ve told her point blank that we are both busy working adults with two small children, so she’ll need to content herself with one call a week unless there’s an emergency or something. She hasn’t made peace with that, but oh well. She’d probably get more calls if she wasn’t such a PITA.

We’ve never cut off our parents and probably never would, but yes, we don’t take guilt trips or crap from them, and definitely never will.

You’re an ass. But I guess you know that. I work (main breadwinner) and have DCs. Yet somehow I manage to call my mom every day. I hope my DCs don’t turn out like you. Awful human being.

PP is an ass because she's not toxically enmeshed with mommy dearest? Grab a mirror lady, you're the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Wtf bee got up YOUR bonnet?

WTF? Are you 80?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

Kid is going to be making a lot less than them the way the economy is going. The kid better learn how to cosy up to them!

You’re trying desperately to manipulate with money. Too bad it won’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

I know you’d like to control your kids with your money forever, but it’s not going to work.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

My DIL only knows us when she needs money. WE have the leverage. F them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

If someone would rather struggle financially than be controlled by you, you should look in the mirror.

Weird comment. I have nothing to do with OP. I have a great relationship with both my kids and my parents.

OP just struck me as an immature ingrate. Exclaiming to the world that kids have the power to cut off their parents is just such a tantrum. I’m sure OP is in pain. Maybe hoping her parent(s) see this post? Anyway, time to grow up.

It’s not a “weird comment” at all. You made an immature, gloating crack about how parents (whether or not you personally claim to have done so) can manipulate their children with money to get the parents’ way, and multiple people responded correctly calling you out on it. You didn’t like that. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

The most toxic and controlling parents I know made sure their child lived alone without roommates and often living in an apartment or condo the parents owned.

The most useless, underperforming, entitled brats I know were relying on their parents to fund their housing in their mid 20s.

Aww, you really thought you did something here. You even fashioned your sentence the same way as the one to which you were responding. How precious.