Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

See? Here’s someone responding to the topic. This thread is about someone who feels like their parents don’t love or respect them and is ready to cut them off. If that’s not you, and if you’re not interested in learning from this person’s perspective, there are other threads you can visit where you crap on your adult kids for not being who you want them to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

Yup. Mutually respectful relationships involve understanding that your parents did their best and it wasn't perfect and that's not a problem. It's normal. Many kids are immature and can't see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

Yup. Mutually respectful relationships involve understanding that your parents did their best and it wasn't perfect and that's not a problem. It's normal. Many kids are immature and can't see that.

Sometimes your best isn’t good enough. Particularly if the bad behavior persists for decades. Good on the OP for recognizing the patterns now as a young person. Not a bad time to realize it and make a life for themselves that doesn’t involve depending on undependable people. In my experience nothing shuts a narcissist down like making it clear that you don’t need them for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

Yup. Mutually respectful relationships involve understanding that your parents did their best and it wasn't perfect and that's not a problem. It's normal. Many kids are immature and can't see that.

+2, or maybe +1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

Yup. Mutually respectful relationships involve understanding that your parents did their best and it wasn't perfect and that's not a problem. It's normal. Many kids are immature and can't see that.

Sometimes your best isn’t good enough. Particularly if the bad behavior persists for decades. Good on the OP for recognizing the patterns now as a young person. Not a bad time to realize it and make a life for themselves that doesn’t involve depending on undependable people. In my experience nothing shuts a narcissist down like making it clear that you don’t need them for anything.

You’re part of the problem here, encouraging op to think that paying for in-state college and buying op a car in, gasp, senior year aren’t “good enough.”

Wtf, and your own entitlement must be off the charts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

Yup. Mutually respectful relationships involve understanding that your parents did their best and it wasn't perfect and that's not a problem. It's normal. Many kids are immature and can't see that.

Sometimes your best isn’t good enough. Particularly if the bad behavior persists for decades. Good on the OP for recognizing the patterns now as a young person. Not a bad time to realize it and make a life for themselves that doesn’t involve depending on undependable people. In my experience nothing shuts a narcissist down like making it clear that you don’t need them for anything.

You’re part of the problem here, encouraging op to think that paying for in-state college and buying op a car in, gasp, senior year aren’t “good enough.”

Wtf, and your own entitlement must be off the charts.

My parents tried to buy love. It didn’t work. The years spent under their thumb were the unhappiest of my life. I would have been happy with less stuff and more love. What’s entitled about that? Some of you guys have real issues and I feel for your adult children.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is going to realize that she is also not perfect one day. But till then she should enjoy the freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is going to realize that she is also not perfect one day. But till then she should enjoy the freedom.

Sounds like OP’s parents have been telling her she is the imperfect one since birth. They sound very controlling. She should consider cutting herself free, instead of cutting them off. Just a “no thanks” works when they offer anything. And she should find an emotional support system that doesn’t involve them.

With time things will get easier with the parents or they won’t. It doesn’t always work, and sometimes there’s estrangement. Taking responsibility for yourself is never the wrong thing to do though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

See? Here’s someone responding to the topic. This thread is about someone who feels like their parents don’t love or respect them and is ready to cut them off. If that’s not you, and if you’re not interested in learning from this person’s perspective, there are other threads you can visit where you crap on your adult kids for not being who you want them to be.

You and OP define “lack of love and respect” as not paying for out-of-state college or a Manhattan condo although op is convinced they could afford to get her one.

I hope you can see the problem here, but I worry that your own narcissism and op’s are blinding you to this outrageous entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is going to realize that she is also not perfect one day. But till then she should enjoy the freedom.

Sounds like OP’s parents have been telling her she is the imperfect one since birth. They sound very controlling. She should consider cutting herself free, instead of cutting them off. Just a “no thanks” works when they offer anything. And she should find an emotional support system that doesn’t involve them.

With time things will get easier with the parents or they won’t. It doesn’t always work, and sometimes there’s estrangement. Taking responsibility for yourself is never the wrong thing to do though.

It sounds like OP feels entitled to her parents' money for ops, a car and a condo, full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

Yup. Mutually respectful relationships involve understanding that your parents did their best and it wasn't perfect and that's not a problem. It's normal. Many kids are immature and can't see that.

Sometimes your best isn’t good enough. Particularly if the bad behavior persists for decades. Good on the OP for recognizing the patterns now as a young person. Not a bad time to realize it and make a life for themselves that doesn’t involve depending on undependable people. In my experience nothing shuts a narcissist down like making it clear that you don’t need them for anything.

You’re part of the problem here, encouraging op to think that paying for in-state college and buying op a car in, gasp, senior year aren’t “good enough.”

Wtf, and your own entitlement must be off the charts.

My parents tried to buy love. It didn’t work. The years spent under their thumb were the unhappiest of my life. I would have been happy with less stuff and more love. What’s entitled about that? Some of you guys have real issues and I feel for your adult children.

Some people don't know how to show love, and some may not even feel it, it's true. Maybe giving you stuff was their love language, who knows.

But "I feel sorry for your children" is one of the most immature things said on this board. You don't sound terribly mature yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

See? Here’s someone responding to the topic. This thread is about someone who feels like their parents don’t love or respect them and is ready to cut them off. If that’s not you, and if you’re not interested in learning from this person’s perspective, there are other threads you can visit where you crap on your adult kids for not being who you want them to be.

You and OP define “lack of love and respect” as not paying for out-of-state college or a Manhattan condo although op is convinced they could afford to get her one.

I hope you can see the problem here, but I worry that your own narcissism and op’s are blinding you to this outrageous entitlement.

You have no idea what you’re talking about. The lack of love I’m referring to is not related to anything material. I’m sure OP would give it all back if she could reclaim her identify.

“No thanks, I’ve got this” “that doesn’t work for me” “I won’t be able to join you, I’m working” “I’m sorry. I can’t join you on your vacation , it’s not in the budget. You are welcome to visit us”. These are the words she’ll find herself saying. And with time she will grow the confidence in herself that her parents failed to nurture. If she doesn’t, she’ll end up miserable and codependent on these people. Probably get married to someone she’s financially dependent on, and repeat the cycle with her own kids.

I suggested the OP cut herself free now, before it’s too late for her. She was a child when these things happened—she feels she was bullied or manipulated into situations that weren’t right for her, that her parents disregarded her feelings and implemented their own agenda, and demanded “love” in return.

Parents have enormous control and power over their children, they SHOULD be careful with it. Kids don’t grow up to be “entitled” on their own. I feel awful for her and it’s clear she didn’t receive the love she needed growing up. Now she’s an adult who can and should make her own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

See? Here’s someone responding to the topic. This thread is about someone who feels like their parents don’t love or respect them and is ready to cut them off. If that’s not you, and if you’re not interested in learning from this person’s perspective, there are other threads you can visit where you crap on your adult kids for not being who you want them to be.

You and OP define “lack of love and respect” as not paying for out-of-state college or a Manhattan condo although op is convinced they could afford to get her one.

I hope you can see the problem here, but I worry that your own narcissism and op’s are blinding you to this outrageous entitlement.

You have no idea what you’re talking about. The lack of love I’m referring to is not related to anything material. I’m sure OP would give it all back if she could reclaim her identify.

“No thanks, I’ve got this” “that doesn’t work for me” “I won’t be able to join you, I’m working” “I’m sorry. I can’t join you on your vacation , it’s not in the budget. You are welcome to visit us”. These are the words she’ll find herself saying. And with time she will grow the confidence in herself that her parents failed to nurture. If she doesn’t, she’ll end up miserable and codependent on these people. Probably get married to someone she’s financially dependent on, and repeat the cycle with her own kids.

I suggested the OP cut herself free now, before it’s too late for her. She was a child when these things happened—she feels she was bullied or manipulated into situations that weren’t right for her, that her parents disregarded her feelings and implemented their own agenda, and demanded “love” in return.

Parents have enormous control and power over their children, they SHOULD be careful with it. Kids don’t grow up to be “entitled” on their own. I feel awful for her and it’s clear she didn’t receive the love she needed growing up. Now she’s an adult who can and should make her own life.

Of course, phrases like “No thanks, I’ve got this” “that doesn’t work for me” “I won’t be able to join you, I’m working” “I’m sorry. I can’t join you on your vacation , it’s not in the budget. You are welcome to visit us” are phrases that any mature adult would use.

But. You’ve imagined a whole backstory for op based on some simple facts like that her parents waited until she was a senior to buy her a car, and won’t pay for out-of-state tuition.

How can you possibly argue these are out-of-line or anything approaching mental abuse? You’re projecting your own issues onto op.

Are you a parent? Are you willing to pay for any college no matter what your financial circumstances? Are you willing to buy your massively entitled kid a car as soon as she asks for it? You sound like a toxic parent who is raising spoiled monsters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

See? Here’s someone responding to the topic. This thread is about someone who feels like their parents don’t love or respect them and is ready to cut them off. If that’s not you, and if you’re not interested in learning from this person’s perspective, there are other threads you can visit where you crap on your adult kids for not being who you want them to be.

You and OP define “lack of love and respect” as not paying for out-of-state college or a Manhattan condo although op is convinced they could afford to get her one.

I hope you can see the problem here, but I worry that your own narcissism and op’s are blinding you to this outrageous entitlement.

You have no idea what you’re talking about. The lack of love I’m referring to is not related to anything material. I’m sure OP would give it all back if she could reclaim her identify.

“No thanks, I’ve got this” “that doesn’t work for me” “I won’t be able to join you, I’m working” “I’m sorry. I can’t join you on your vacation , it’s not in the budget. You are welcome to visit us”. These are the words she’ll find herself saying. And with time she will grow the confidence in herself that her parents failed to nurture. If she doesn’t, she’ll end up miserable and codependent on these people. Probably get married to someone she’s financially dependent on, and repeat the cycle with her own kids.

I suggested the OP cut herself free now, before it’s too late for her. She was a child when these things happened—she feels she was bullied or manipulated into situations that weren’t right for her, that her parents disregarded her feelings and implemented their own agenda, and demanded “love” in return.

Parents have enormous control and power over their children, they SHOULD be careful with it. Kids don’t grow up to be “entitled” on their own. I feel awful for her and it’s clear she didn’t receive the love she needed growing up. Now she’s an adult who can and should make her own life.

Of course, phrases like “No thanks, I’ve got this” “that doesn’t work for me” “I won’t be able to join you, I’m working” “I’m sorry. I can’t join you on your vacation , it’s not in the budget. You are welcome to visit us” are phrases that any mature adult would use.

But. You’ve imagined a whole backstory for op based on some simple facts like that her parents waited until she was a senior to buy her a car, and won’t pay for out-of-state tuition.

How can you possibly argue these are out-of-line or anything approaching mental abuse? You’re projecting your own issues onto op.

Are you a parent? Are you willing to pay for any college no matter what your financial circumstances? Are you willing to buy your massively entitled kid a car as soon as she asks for it? You sound like a toxic parent who is raising spoiled monsters.

I’m explaining to OP that her feelings not going to change unless she changes herself. The time spent under her parents control is relatively short, and she has the next 60 years or so to learn how to be a grown up, even though her parents have failed to teach her.

As for me and my child, we don’t have a transactional relationship. He is getting a certain amount of financial support from us to get him started on the path to adulthood, and we are careful to leave his choices to him. As a result, he’s a mature young man, who makes pretty good decisions without us interfering. And when things doesn’t work out, we are there to guide him emotionally through the consequences. We don’t just buy his way out of trouble, or corner him into the life we want him to live.

I want an independent child , not one who whines to me about everything and needs me for more than my time and advice when asked. If that means they have friends, hobbies, careers, and homes that are different than what I would choose? How is that a problem for me? It’s not. The financial support I’m giving is there to empower him, not box him in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

See? Here’s someone responding to the topic. This thread is about someone who feels like their parents don’t love or respect them and is ready to cut them off. If that’s not you, and if you’re not interested in learning from this person’s perspective, there are other threads you can visit where you crap on your adult kids for not being who you want them to be.

NP. The original post was a warning that "more parents" need to be "careful" with their kids who are in their teens and 20s, or else they will be cut off. This is a warning that is general in application and in no way limited to parents who, for whatever reason, have failed to make their kid feel loved from day 1.