Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

[Anonymous]

I sure hope my parents have paid up their long term care insurance because I’m not doing it for them. If they were done with me at 18, I’m done with them now. 18 years is nothing. I’ve given them 42.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

And don't forget older ACs. Do you mean as soon as there is something that the AC perceives is wrong, or takes the wrong way while not intended that way, or hears a comment/opinion they don't like, (such as: "Apparently RSV seems pretty virulent now, we weren't able to see Larla's baby last week and won't see her till March maybe" and AC perceives that as criticizing their own parenting socializing pattern) or their spouse does the same ("I don't like the way your Mom ate everything at the buffet except MY goat cheese dates. I got her message loud and clear."), while their friends are not up for review for anything it apoears- so you mean that parents should WATCH THEIR STEP? That? Yeah. For those in their younger 20s, it's probably about expectations of financial help they expected and didn't get.
Well, probably they've learned the hard way this is a landmine game of surreal proportions with rules that keep changing without notice. Losing this game means losing one's whole family, access to grandkids, issues with sinlings in the family, love, everything. But some have also decided to set boundaries in reverse because their own mental health might be worth it. Speaking for several friends, it is devastating.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm on good terms with my adult (mid-20s) kids.

But I'm not really surprised by this. There's been a cultural wave of blaming less-than-perfect parents for unsatisfactory outcomes. Of course, let's face it, we're all less-than-perfect human beings--humans just aren't perfect--and I'm sure many of us have made mistakes. But few parents are as awful as this forum suggests, and just how far this wave has gone is underscored by OP's "problems" (parents won't pay for oos, won't buy her a Manhattan condo).

I wonder about the causes. Is this generation unused to failure and looking for people to blame besides themselves? Is it entitlement, pure and simple, that causes ACs to demand perfection in their parents? Is there some other cultural shift I'm missing? I'm truly curious.

I think there absolutely is a cultural wave of blaming less-than-perfect parents. Everyone today is going to therapy, focusing on how their parents screwed them up. And, young adults today can be pretty entitled. I see threads about how they think of their parents' money as their own, they throw tantrums when the grandparents won't watch the grandchildren, etc. I think us older folks were raised that your parents don't owe you anything past 18. So this applies to some of the situations presented here.

But, there's other stuff going on too. This generation is recognizing that they don't need to put up with abusive, harmful, hurtful behavior just because the person is their mom or dad. There are nasty parents out there who only bring their adult children sadness, stress, and hurt. Like, these parents have NO redeeming qualities. If it were anyone else, people would say "dump them and don't look back." The whole "Because she's your mom / dad, you have honor them and put up with it" rationale isn't enough. If you are a bad person, your kids very well disengage and live their own lives without you.

This is a good take. I agree there are many types situations, with a lot in between.
- The people in therapy who have been encouraged to blame everything on everybody but themselves.
- The young adults who think their parents' money and time belongs to them. I remember a thread last winter where OP was outraged that her parents asked her to change the sheets after she as she and her three kids were leaving after a multiple-day stay.
- The narcissists, both parents and young adults.
- The truly awful parents and, you're right, they shouldn't be tolerated.

The problem is telling who's who on DCUM. It's rare that you get someone as obvious as the AC who thought her parents were abusive because they wouldn't pay for oos. But she's probably one of the people hijacking this thread to trash their mom, too, and we don't realize it's the same person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sure hope my parents have paid up their long term care insurance because I’m not doing it for them. If they were done with me at 18, I’m done with them now. 18 years is nothing. I’ve given them 42.

You'd be better off in terms of inheritance if they skip the long-term care insurance. It's a rip-off. It usually doesn't even pay for extreme end-of-life situations. If your parents save the money instead, and their investments grow, you'll probably (actuarially speaking, no guarantees whenever risk is concerned) have more when they die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure hope my parents have paid up their long term care insurance because I’m not doing it for them. If they were done with me at 18, I’m done with them now. 18 years is nothing. I’ve given them 42.

You'd be better off in terms of inheritance if they skip the long-term care insurance. It's a rip-off. It usually doesn't even pay for extreme end-of-life situations. If your parents save the money instead, and their investments grow, you'll probably (actuarially speaking, no guarantees whenever risk is concerned) have more when they die.

Oh I’m sure I’ve been written out of the will but thanks. I prefer for them to take care of their own affairs and stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

And don't forget older ACs. Do you mean as soon as there is something that the AC perceives is wrong, or takes the wrong way while not intended that way, or hears a comment/opinion they don't like, (such as: "Apparently RSV seems pretty virulent now, we weren't able to see Larla's baby last week and won't see her till March maybe" and AC perceives that as criticizing their own parenting socializing pattern) or their spouse does the same ("I don't like the way your Mom ate everything at the buffet except MY goat cheese dates. I got her message loud and clear."), while their friends are not up for review for anything it apoears- so you mean that parents should WATCH THEIR STEP? That? Yeah. For those in their younger 20s, it's probably about expectations of financial help they expected and didn't get.
Well, probably they've learned the hard way this is a landmine game of surreal proportions with rules that keep changing without notice. Losing this game means losing one's whole family, access to grandkids, issues with sinlings in the family, love, everything. But some have also decided to set boundaries in reverse because their own mental health might be worth it. Speaking for several friends, it is devastating.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm on good terms with my adult (mid-20s) kids.

But I'm not really surprised by this. There's been a cultural wave of blaming less-than-perfect parents for unsatisfactory outcomes. Of course, let's face it, we're all less-than-perfect human beings--humans just aren't perfect--and I'm sure many of us have made mistakes. But few parents are as awful as this forum suggests, and just how far this wave has gone is underscored by OP's "problems" (parents won't pay for oos, won't buy her a Manhattan condo).

I wonder about the causes. Is this generation unused to failure and looking for people to blame besides themselves? Is it entitlement, pure and simple, that causes ACs to demand perfection in their parents? Is there some other cultural shift I'm missing? I'm truly curious.

I think there absolutely is a cultural wave of blaming less-than-perfect parents. Everyone today is going to therapy, focusing on how their parents screwed them up. And, young adults today can be pretty entitled. I see threads about how they think of their parents' money as their own, they throw tantrums when the grandparents won't watch the grandchildren, etc. I think us older folks were raised that your parents don't owe you anything past 18. So this applies to some of the situations presented here.

But, there's other stuff going on too. This generation is recognizing that they don't need to put up with abusive, harmful, hurtful behavior just because the person is their mom or dad. There are nasty parents out there who only bring their adult children sadness, stress, and hurt. Like, these parents have NO redeeming qualities. If it were anyone else, people would say "dump them and don't look back." The whole "Because she's your mom / dad, you have honor them and put up with it" rationale isn't enough. If you are a bad person, your kids very well disengage and live their own lives without you.

This is a good take. I agree there are many types situations, with a lot in between.
- The people in therapy who have been encouraged to blame everything on everybody but themselves.
- The young adults who think their parents' money and time belongs to them. I remember a thread last winter where OP was outraged that her parents asked her to change the sheets after she as she and her three kids were leaving after a multiple-day stay.
- The narcissists, both parents and young adults.
- The truly awful parents and, you're right, they shouldn't be tolerated.

The problem is telling who's who on DCUM. It's rare that you get someone as obvious as the AC who thought her parents were abusive because they wouldn't pay for oos. But she's probably one of the people hijacking this thread to trash their mom, too, and we don't realize it's the same person.

I too feel that OP is being a troll. sounds like an entitled brat.

[Anonymous]

I think it was just easier for adults to maintain amicable relationships with their parents back when life expectancy was 45 or even 60. If that were the case now, I easily could have tolerated low to mid grade emotional abuse from my mother until I was 18-33 years old (she would have been 45-60). My mother's doctor thinks she could live past 100. I'm about to turn 50. No way am I tolerating repeating cycles of emotional abuse from her for another 25 to 30 years. I'm exhausted.

I really think adult child-parent estrangement needs to be destigmatized. It is inhumane to expect adult children to continue to invest themselves in an abusive relationship with a parent who will never change and may live to be very elderly. We don't blame people for exiting abusive marriages---why on earth are we guilting, pressuring and shaming adult children into staying with abusive parents who engage in the same abusive cycle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it was just easier for adults to maintain amicable relationships with their parents back when life expectancy was 45 or even 60. If that were the case now, I easily could have tolerated low to mid grade emotional abuse from my mother until I was 18-33 years old (she would have been 45-60). My mother's doctor thinks she could live past 100. I'm about to turn 50. No way am I tolerating repeating cycles of emotional abuse from her for another 25 to 30 years. I'm exhausted.

I really think adult child-parent estrangement needs to be destigmatized. It is inhumane to expect adult children to continue to invest themselves in an abusive relationship with a parent who will never change and may live to be very elderly. We don't blame people for exiting abusive marriages---why on earth are we guilting, pressuring and shaming adult children into staying with abusive parents who engage in the same abusive cycle?

The problem is, there are two sides to every story, and it’s so hard to know where truth lies. Is one of the posters complaining about mom actually the same entitled brat who demands her parents pay for oos or gets outraged when asked to change the sheets after a long stay? Or are the parents actually abusive? Who’s at fault, has anybody worked to solve things, worked on themselves, or is it hopeless? We don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You also can't win with narcisstic adult children. And those narc think they are the victims, just as any narc does. We have no idea is OP is one of the narcs, all we know is that her examples are nuts and immature.

Some adult children don't want to take care of their parents in old age, so cutting them off after college bills are paid is quite convenient.

[Anonymous]

Many of us here have parents with plenty of their own money, they don’t need assistance from their kids. What they need is someone to abuse and manipulate. And their financially independent kids are saying, no. Not here for that.

I’m hoping to have a relationship with my child that isn’t transactional. Breaking that cycle. Ignore the lesson at your own peril if you want your kids to speak to you in your old age. It’s truly sad that anyone thinks money buys love. I feel very badly for them, because they’ve likely never been loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was just easier for adults to maintain amicable relationships with their parents back when life expectancy was 45 or even 60. If that were the case now, I easily could have tolerated low to mid grade emotional abuse from my mother until I was 18-33 years old (she would have been 45-60). My mother's doctor thinks she could live past 100. I'm about to turn 50. No way am I tolerating repeating cycles of emotional abuse from her for another 25 to 30 years. I'm exhausted.

I really think adult child-parent estrangement needs to be destigmatized. It is inhumane to expect adult children to continue to invest themselves in an abusive relationship with a parent who will never change and may live to be very elderly. We don't blame people for exiting abusive marriages---why on earth are we guilting, pressuring and shaming adult children into staying with abusive parents who engage in the same abusive cycle?

The problem is, there are two sides to every story, and it’s so hard to know where truth lies. Is one of the posters complaining about mom actually the same entitled brat who demands her parents pay for oos or gets outraged when asked to change the sheets after a long stay? Or are the parents actually abusive? Who’s at fault, has anybody worked to solve things, worked on themselves, or is it hopeless? We don’t know.

I haven't read this whole thread, but I don't get the outrage over the sheets. While I was a young mom, my parents never ever visited us, but the guilt to stay with them was strong. We would drive the short three hours 8-10 times per year and stay the weekend. I loved my parents, but it was kind of a pain. In return for the work it took to lug three kids up many times per year, my mother was sure to say, please please don't worry about the beds (I would at least strip the beds for her anyway) and never acted like we needed to do more than pack up our own stuff. Honestly, any mother who would guilt her kid with young kids about that is the one with the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was just easier for adults to maintain amicable relationships with their parents back when life expectancy was 45 or even 60. If that were the case now, I easily could have tolerated low to mid grade emotional abuse from my mother until I was 18-33 years old (she would have been 45-60). My mother's doctor thinks she could live past 100. I'm about to turn 50. No way am I tolerating repeating cycles of emotional abuse from her for another 25 to 30 years. I'm exhausted.

I really think adult child-parent estrangement needs to be destigmatized. It is inhumane to expect adult children to continue to invest themselves in an abusive relationship with a parent who will never change and may live to be very elderly. We don't blame people for exiting abusive marriages---why on earth are we guilting, pressuring and shaming adult children into staying with abusive parents who engage in the same abusive cycle?

The problem is, there are two sides to every story, and it’s so hard to know where truth lies. Is one of the posters complaining about mom actually the same entitled brat who demands her parents pay for oos or gets outraged when asked to change the sheets after a long stay? Or are the parents actually abusive? Who’s at fault, has anybody worked to solve things, worked on themselves, or is it hopeless? We don’t know.

I haven't read this whole thread, but I don't get the outrage over the sheets. While I was a young mom, my parents never ever visited us, but the guilt to stay with them was strong. We would drive the short three hours 8-10 times per year and stay the weekend. I loved my parents, but it was kind of a pain. In return for the work it took to lug three kids up many times per year, my mother was sure to say, please please don't worry about the beds (I would at least strip the beds for her anyway) and never acted like we needed to do more than pack up our own stuff. Honestly, any mother who would guilt her kid with young kids about that is the one with the problem.

That OP stayed with her family of 5 (3 kids) for multiple days and didn't want to do any of the cooking or shopping. Stripping a bed takes less than 5 minutes and the parents weren't asking to put the sheets in the washer. The thread was really something....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of us here have parents with plenty of their own money, they don’t need assistance from their kids. What they need is someone to abuse and manipulate. And their financially independent kids are saying, no. Not here for that.

I’m hoping to have a relationship with my child that isn’t transactional. Breaking that cycle. Ignore the lesson at your own peril if you want your kids to speak to you in your old age. It’s truly sad that anyone thinks money buys love. I feel very badly for them, because they’ve likely never been loved.

I understand, but most of us don't have abusive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of us here have parents with plenty of their own money, they don’t need assistance from their kids. What they need is someone to abuse and manipulate. And their financially independent kids are saying, no. Not here for that.

I’m hoping to have a relationship with my child that isn’t transactional. Breaking that cycle. Ignore the lesson at your own peril if you want your kids to speak to you in your old age. It’s truly sad that anyone thinks money buys love. I feel very badly for them, because they’ve likely never been loved.

I understand, but most of us don't have abusive parents.

+1
And all these angry ACs threatening to cut off contact? They should go right ahead. No one is stopping them. But, to not have worked through their emotions of entitlement, abadonment and resentment when they become adults is in of itself pathetic. The world does not care for their sorry saga. They should not waste anyone else's time because no. one. cares. Go live your life instead of boohooing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of us here have parents with plenty of their own money, they don’t need assistance from their kids. What they need is someone to abuse and manipulate. And their financially independent kids are saying, no. Not here for that.

I’m hoping to have a relationship with my child that isn’t transactional. Breaking that cycle. Ignore the lesson at your own peril if you want your kids to speak to you in your old age. It’s truly sad that anyone thinks money buys love. I feel very badly for them, because they’ve likely never been loved.

I understand, but most of us don't have abusive parents.

+1
And all these angry ACs threatening to cut off contact? They should go right ahead. No one is stopping them. But, to not have worked through their emotions of entitlement, abadonment and resentment when they become adults is in of itself pathetic. The world does not care for their sorry saga. They should not waste anyone else's time because no. one. cares. Go live your life instead of boohooing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of us here have parents with plenty of their own money, they don’t need assistance from their kids. What they need is someone to abuse and manipulate. And their financially independent kids are saying, no. Not here for that.

I’m hoping to have a relationship with my child that isn’t transactional. Breaking that cycle. Ignore the lesson at your own peril if you want your kids to speak to you in your old age. It’s truly sad that anyone thinks money buys love. I feel very badly for them, because they’ve likely never been loved.

I understand, but most of us don't have abusive parents.

This. Many of us loved our parents while recognizing they had flaws, i.e that they were human. There seems to be a small handful of posters who had a very different experience (although sometimes it’s hard for us readers to separate the real abuse from the entitlement and narcissism and drama llamas).

All of which is to say that this handful of resentful ACs is holding the rest of us hostage by hijacking every thread to talk about themselves. I wouldn’t go so far as the other poster did and say you’re boring, but I’m getting there.

These ACs have plenty of threads hating on their parents, probably 30% of the threads here. Why can’t you be satisfied with that, and let the rest of us get on with threads like “Tell me a story about your mother”?