Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

[Anonymous]

The pendulum swings in both directions. Children need to understand that parents are often equally sick of them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pendulum swings in both directions. Children need to understand that parents are often equally sick of them too.

Until parents start begging fort grandkids

[Anonymous]

I know someone who escaped a “therapeutic” boarding school who hasn’t spoken to their parents in over a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting that some people seem to think this is the norm, parents who are difficult and annoying who they would like to cut off and never see again.

I'm sure it happens but it's not typical in my experience, for me or the people I know. I get along fine with my adult kids, we treat each other with respect, always have.

Tell me, those of you who are suffering through this painful relationship with your parents, what are you doing now that you think will prevent this from happening with your own kids?

I still have a relationship with my parents, but I’ve created a lot of boundaries. Some of which they don’t like, but I don’t care. What am I doing with my own kids:
-not being emotionally abusive, including saying things like “you don’t love me” and spending every holiday locked in my room or crying
-have a healthy, functional relationship with my spouse where we sleep in the same bedroom, take vacations together, and show respect and affection for one another
-not emotionally needy when it comes to my kids; I don’t expect them to be my therapist
-I support my kids equally and don’t favor one over the others

My dh snores and I’m a light sleeper. We sleep in different rooms. I hope my children don’t decide to stop talking to me over it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

As a teen I wasn’t allowed to make my own friends. If I made my own friend, my mom would find something wrong with the friend and not allow us to spend time together. She would describe someone normal who went to parties as a “druggie”. Everything was very black or white.

I was only allowed to have a car my senior year of HS so they could control my whereabouts. My mom referred to cars as “killing machines”. I finally took my car to college my sophomore year so I could drive to work. It took a lot to get my parents to allow this. My parents then introduced “checks” on the car. I wasn’t allowed to drive the car at night so they would take trips to my college town to make sure the car was indeed in the parking lot of my dorm at night.

My interests and likes/dislikes were completely disregarded. I didn’t like playing an instrument. Too bad. You’ll play it. I disliked church. Too bad. You’ll go every Sunday and also go on youth group trips during the summer.

I wasn’t allowed to find my own PT job. My mom found it for me and I was forced to work there under threats. I wanted to work somewhere else but it wasn’t allowed.

I loved summer camp. Too much for my parents. My mom said “we will nip this independence on the bud” and I was not allowed to ever go again. One of the biggest disappointments of my childhood. Being able to make my own friends and sign up for activities I enjoyed was amazing. I could see the light.

I wasn’t allowed to go to college out of state despite my parents having plenty of money. I wanted to apply anyway and get loans but didn’t have access to a checking account to pay for applications. The college advisor at my school told my parents and I was then punished for pursuing anything out of state.

During college I wasn’t allowed to study abroad. Parents refused to pay for it and because of their controlling ways, I didn’t have the ability to take out loans. Instead I was told I’d spend summer abroad with my parents. As a 20 year old I spent the summer touring Europe with my parents.

Other disrespectful things my mom did included reading my notes, listening to phone conversations and saying things like “you can’t trust teenagers.” if I ever talked to a boy in HS my mom would say things like “you need to get on birth control so you don’t have to murder your child.” Except I wasn’t sexually active. They said I was and didn’t believe me.

After college my parents used their financial means to try to control me. They paid for a condo in Manhattan. I eventually figured them out, moved out and went on my way.

I am now only allowed to pretend I had a wonderful childhood and my parents were perfect parents. They act like I’m crazy and ungrateful if I bring anything up. So I don’t. I instead stay away from them. I have a harder time now with the relationship since I’m a parent and can’t imagine treating my kids in the authoritative manner in which I was raised. They had 0 respect for me as an individual and made it clear that as a child I was a second class citizen.

SOME of this just sounds like parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pendulum swings in both directions. Children need to understand that parents are often equally sick of them too.

Now I know I am super blessed as I can’t remotely imagine feeling this way about my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pendulum swings in both directions. Children need to understand that parents are often equally sick of them too.

Now I know I am super blessed as I can’t remotely imagine feeling this way about my kids.

My parents resented us so much when I was a kid. I almost didn’t have kids because they made it seem like torture, like your kids just extract money and joy from your life with no return.

So glad I got therapy and got to a place where having a baby felt like joy. My child is endlessly rewarding. It feels cheesy but I feel honored to get to be a mom. I don’t resent it at all.

I think my parents just had kids out of obligation, had them too young and before they had any emotional maturity, had too many kids, and then blamed us for all their problems. I think they could have been good parents, with some time to grow up and a few better choices (fewer kids, go to therapy). I feel bad for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pendulum swings in both directions. Children need to understand that parents are often equally sick of them too.

Yeah no, I don’t see a lot of adults hounding their elderly parents for not calling or visiting more. My husband would be content to see his parents once a year for a brief visit. We see them more than that out of duty and pity, not because they aren’t sick of us, LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pendulum swings in both directions. Children need to understand that parents are often equally sick of them too.

Ok, then it sounds like you won’t be upset if you get cut off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting that some people seem to think this is the norm, parents who are difficult and annoying who they would like to cut off and never see again.

I'm sure it happens but it's not typical in my experience, for me or the people I know. I get along fine with my adult kids, we treat each other with respect, always have.

Tell me, those of you who are suffering through this painful relationship with your parents, what are you doing now that you think will prevent this from happening with your own kids?

I still have a relationship with my parents, but I’ve created a lot of boundaries. Some of which they don’t like, but I don’t care. What am I doing with my own kids:
-not being emotionally abusive, including saying things like “you don’t love me” and spending every holiday locked in my room or crying
-have a healthy, functional relationship with my spouse where we sleep in the same bedroom, take vacations together, and show respect and affection for one another
-not emotionally needy when it comes to my kids; I don’t expect them to be my therapist
-I support my kids equally and don’t favor one over the others

My dh snores and I’m a light sleeper. We sleep in different rooms. I hope my children don’t decide to stop talking to me over it!

Way to miss a point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting that some people seem to think this is the norm, parents who are difficult and annoying who they would like to cut off and never see again.

I'm sure it happens but it's not typical in my experience, for me or the people I know. I get along fine with my adult kids, we treat each other with respect, always have.

Tell me, those of you who are suffering through this painful relationship with your parents, what are you doing now that you think will prevent this from happening with your own kids?

I still have a relationship with my parents, but I’ve created a lot of boundaries. Some of which they don’t like, but I don’t care. What am I doing with my own kids:
-not being emotionally abusive, including saying things like “you don’t love me” and spending every holiday locked in my room or crying
-have a healthy, functional relationship with my spouse where we sleep in the same bedroom, take vacations together, and show respect and affection for one another
-not emotionally needy when it comes to my kids; I don’t expect them to be my therapist
-I support my kids equally and don’t favor one over the others

My dh snores and I’m a light sleeper. We sleep in different rooms. I hope my children don’t decide to stop talking to me over it!

If you have a dysfunctional relationship they might… I guarantee you they’re probably embarrassed by it and your friends probably think you’re lying about the snoring and don’t have sec anymore. Sorry Karen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pendulum swings in both directions. Children need to understand that parents are often equally sick of them too.

Ok, then it sounds like you won’t be upset if you get cut off.

Sigh, some of you are so dense, bitter, and thinking you are more of a commodity than reality. The same way there are children who would not choose their parents again, there are (many) parents who feel the same. Trust me. It's just not socially acceptable to admit it out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting that some people seem to think this is the norm, parents who are difficult and annoying who they would like to cut off and never see again.

I'm sure it happens but it's not typical in my experience, for me or the people I know. I get along fine with my adult kids, we treat each other with respect, always have.

Tell me, those of you who are suffering through this painful relationship with your parents, what are you doing now that you think will prevent this from happening with your own kids?

I still have a relationship with my parents, but I’ve created a lot of boundaries. Some of which they don’t like, but I don’t care. What am I doing with my own kids:
-not being emotionally abusive, including saying things like “you don’t love me” and spending every holiday locked in my room or crying
-have a healthy, functional relationship with my spouse where we sleep in the same bedroom, take vacations together, and show respect and affection for one another
-not emotionally needy when it comes to my kids; I don’t expect them to be my therapist
-I support my kids equally and don’t favor one over the others

My dh snores and I’m a light sleeper. We sleep in different rooms. I hope my children don’t decide to stop talking to me over it!

If you have a dysfunctional relationship they might… I guarantee you they’re probably embarrassed by it and your friends probably think you’re lying about the snoring and don’t have sec anymore. Sorry Karen!

+1. Have you heard of ear plugs? They’re these neat little things you out in your ears…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pendulum swings in both directions. Children need to understand that parents are often equally sick of them too.

Ok, then it sounds like you won’t be upset if you get cut off.

Sigh, some of you are so dense, bitter, and thinking you are more of a commodity than reality. The same way there are children who would not choose their parents again, there are (many) parents who feel the same. Trust me. It's just not socially acceptable to admit it out loud.

Good. Are you my mom? Then stop calling me and harassing me begging to be part of my life when all you do is criticize, insult, mock me, and tell me "I told you so". If you feel the same then stop contacting me. I promise I won't call you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting that some people seem to think this is the norm, parents who are difficult and annoying who they would like to cut off and never see again.

I'm sure it happens but it's not typical in my experience, for me or the people I know. I get along fine with my adult kids, we treat each other with respect, always have.

Tell me, those of you who are suffering through this painful relationship with your parents, what are you doing now that you think will prevent this from happening with your own kids?

I still have a relationship with my parents, but I’ve created a lot of boundaries. Some of which they don’t like, but I don’t care. What am I doing with my own kids:
-not being emotionally abusive, including saying things like “you don’t love me” and spending every holiday locked in my room or crying
-have a healthy, functional relationship with my spouse where we sleep in the same bedroom, take vacations together, and show respect and affection for one another
-not emotionally needy when it comes to my kids; I don’t expect them to be my therapist
-I support my kids equally and don’t favor one over the others

My dh snores and I’m a light sleeper. We sleep in different rooms. I hope my children don’t decide to stop talking to me over it!

Way to miss a point!

Yep you sure did miss my point!