My son told me I’m not pretty

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not ugly. I am fit, average height, blonde hair in my early 40s. I don’t wear much/any makeup, rarely blow dry my hair, and I’m always in comfy clothes. I’m less upset that he said I’m not pretty than the direct comparison to his friend’s mom (who is attractive but not pretty IMO). PP is correct that he always sees her done up in full hair and makeup so that’s part of it. I am huge into fitness and healthy eating but not big into clothes/hair/makeup. I get why he said it but it still hurts that he automatically labels that as pretty and not what I prioritize for myself/our family. I don’t think I’ll bring it up to him. It will give the statement more power if I do. He’s a very polite kid and would never say anything like that to anyone outside of family so I know it’s because he felt comfortable enough with me that he said it.
-OP

Look, if you don’t want to meet the beauty standard, good for you. But don’t get mad when other people notice.

Noticing is one thing. Raising a rude child is another.

I genuinely don’t understand why some posters think I am raising a rude child. He said something honest to me because he felt comfortable and knows I’m a safe person to open up to. That doesn’t mean he would say it anyone else in his life.
-OP

Are you serious, OP? I'm debating whether to take the time to respond to this one, because the answer seems obvious to me.

Yes, I am serious. For every poster like you there is another one telling me that it’s completely age-appropriate.
-OP

It is age appropriate. It's also age appropriate to teach him to be kind and not voice every unkind thought that pops into his head.

If he says things like that to you, whom he loves, he will definitely say worse to the people he dislikes.

+1. There is nothing horrible here, but is a possible teaching moment.

Also agree a lot of kids equate pretty to lots of hair and makeup. We go by the “you do not comment on people’s appearances” general rule. My daughter is an adorable child who gets told she is “so pretty” all the time so we’re also drilling in the “pretty is as pretty does” mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my kids they are not allowed to comment on other people's appearances unless they are saying something kind. They're 8. They get it.

Yes this is a good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not ugly. I am fit, average height, blonde hair in my early 40s. I don’t wear much/any makeup, rarely blow dry my hair, and I’m always in comfy clothes. I’m less upset that he said I’m not pretty than the direct comparison to his friend’s mom (who is attractive but not pretty IMO). PP is correct that he always sees her done up in full hair and makeup so that’s part of it. I am huge into fitness and healthy eating but not big into clothes/hair/makeup. I get why he said it but it still hurts that he automatically labels that as pretty and not what I prioritize for myself/our family. I don’t think I’ll bring it up to him. It will give the statement more power if I do. He’s a very polite kid and would never say anything like that to anyone outside of family so I know it’s because he felt comfortable enough with me that he said it.
-OP

Look, if you don’t want to meet the beauty standard, good for you. But don’t get mad when other people notice.

Noticing is one thing. Raising a rude child is another.

I genuinely don’t understand why some posters think I am raising a rude child. He said something honest to me because he felt comfortable and knows I’m a safe person to open up to. That doesn’t mean he would say it anyone else in his life.
-OP

We are brutally honest about all this in my home. That is the definition of home. Like you I focus on developing healthy eating and exercise habits, not getting manicures or my hair done. But I don't hesitate to emphasize the ill effects of the typical American diet to my daughters: increased acne and menstrual discomfort, bloating, and poorer quality of sleep and mood. There is no real beauty without true self-care after a certain age. Some people did hit the lottery in terms of the symmetry of their features, and that's okay too.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, at bedtime the other night my 8 year old poked me in the stomach a la the Pilsbury dough boy and said "fat!" oh so casually. Like, I think he was literally just making an observation/being a little silly.

In his defense, 8 year olds can be very literal, and he's not incorrect. I am definitely thicker around the midsection these days. Since he didn't seem like he was trying to be intentionally cruel or mean, I didn't make a huge deal about it. I just rolled my eyes and told him it wasn't a very nice thing to say and he should be careful because he could hurt someone's feelings.

So, one untoward comment from an 8 y/o doesn't mean you're doing something wrong and raising a budding sociopath. Just use it as a learning opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, at bedtime the other night my 8 year old poked me in the stomach a la the Pilsbury dough boy and said "fat!" oh so casually. Like, I think he was literally just making an observation/being a little silly.

In his defense, 8 year olds can be very literal, and he's not incorrect. I am definitely thicker around the midsection these days. Since he didn't seem like he was trying to be intentionally cruel or mean, I didn't make a huge deal about it. I just rolled my eyes and told him it wasn't a very nice thing to say and he should be careful because he could hurt someone's feelings.

So, one untoward comment from an 8 y/o doesn't mean you're doing something wrong and raising a budding sociopath. Just use it as a learning opportunity.

Good lord no.

What you say is "Yes, I have fat on my stomach. People have bodies with all different types of sizes and with different amounts of fat. All bodies are good bodies."

Telling him it was "not nice" is not helpful. Now he knows "fat" is a loaded word you are sensitive about. Same with a kid telling me I'm not pretty. WHO CARES. I don't exist to look pretty for other people. That's a much more important lesson for an 8 year old to learn than "that's not nice to say".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my kids they are not allowed to comment on other people's appearances unless they are saying something kind. They're 8. They get it.

Yes this is a good advice.

Good life lesson!
THough I still want my kids to subtly tell me if I have spinach in my teeth or left my fly open or if they prefer one hairstyle over another.

So I'd modify to "never unsolicitedly comment on something unchangeable in other people's appearances, unless you are saying something kind."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was very matter-of-fact about it. He just said “you’re really not pretty mom” and then proceeded to tell me how pretty his friend’s mom is. It was a dagger to the heart. I didn’t react in the moment. Is it something I should bring up and tell him that it really hurt my feelings or leave it alone?

I have 2 DDs and they have said all sorts of things to me about my looks. Don’t take it personal. They have gone in detail about blemishes on my face, moles, freckles I have, my breath, I mean the list goes on and on. I guess be glad not to have girls bc they can really point out things and be critical.

[Anonymous]

The older I get, the more I just want to be okay with being ordinary in every single way, including my appearance. It makes it easier for me to regulate my self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was very matter-of-fact about it. He just said “you’re really not pretty mom” and then proceeded to tell me how pretty his friend’s mom is. It was a dagger to the heart. I didn’t react in the moment. Is it something I should bring up and tell him that it really hurt my feelings or leave it alone?

I have 2 DDs and they have said all sorts of things to me about my looks. Don’t take it personal. They have gone in detail about blemishes on my face, moles, freckles I have, my breath, I mean the list goes on and on. I guess be glad not to have girls bc they can really point out things and be critical.

Gender is a social construct. Just raise your kids correctly.

[Anonymous]

Yes, no matter the age, it is not polite or okay to say someone is not pretty, even if it's true! I would definitely respond calmly, "That's a rude and hurtful thing to say. Don't say that to people." But no need to punish. It is a (painful) teachable moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8 year olds speak their minds. Kids say all kinds of things.

Just let it go, OP.

People, it is your job to teach your children about what is and is not appropriate to say to another person. We don’t say negative things about other people’s looks, even if they are true. My 8 yo already knows this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8 year olds speak their minds. Kids say all kinds of things.

Just let it go, OP.

People, it is your job to teach your children about what is and is not appropriate to say to another person. We don’t say negative things about other people’s looks, even if they are true. My 8 yo already knows this.

No. We don't comment on other people's appearance, period

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8 year olds speak their minds. Kids say all kinds of things.

Just let it go, OP.

People, it is your job to teach your children about what is and is not appropriate to say to another person. We don’t say negative things about other people’s looks, even if they are true. My 8 yo already knows this.

No. We don't comment on other people's appearance, period

Oh come on. Rude comments, gossip? No. But a simple, “I like your shoes” is perfectly fine. Such nuances are important to teach to help kids navigate relationships and the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, at bedtime the other night my 8 year old poked me in the stomach a la the Pilsbury dough boy and said "fat!" oh so casually. Like, I think he was literally just making an observation/being a little silly.

In his defense, 8 year olds can be very literal, and he's not incorrect. I am definitely thicker around the midsection these days. Since he didn't seem like he was trying to be intentionally cruel or mean, I didn't make a huge deal about it. I just rolled my eyes and told him it wasn't a very nice thing to say and he should be careful because he could hurt someone's feelings.

So, one untoward comment from an 8 y/o doesn't mean you're doing something wrong and raising a budding sociopath. Just use it as a learning opportunity.

Good lord no.

What you say is "Yes, I have fat on my stomach. People have bodies with all different types of sizes and with different amounts of fat. All bodies are good bodies."

Telling him it was "not nice" is not helpful. Now he knows "fat" is a loaded word you are sensitive about. Same with a kid telling me I'm not pretty. WHO CARES. I don't exist to look pretty for other people. That's a much more important lesson for an 8 year old to learn than "that's not nice to say".

Sorry, but you are completely wrong on this. Do you never want to be a grandmother?
It's fine for you to let him know that you are fine with him telling you that you are not pretty or are fat but you should certainly clue him in on the fact that these are not nice things to say because they do hurt people's feelings. You ask WHO CARES? Most people care, that's who. Unless he's gonna stay home with you his whole life, please raise him to be a nicer person than that. You can have an opinion, but you should not go around telling people they are fat or ugly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might be time for him to learn to ask himself these questions before speaking:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
Is it helpful?

I don't even think the "is it true?" is useful. So what if it's true? It also has to be either kind or helpful. (Necessary and helpful can be combined into one. I just ask my kids, "Is it kind or is it useful?") Lots of things are true that you shouldn't say.