My son told me I’m not pretty

[Anonymous]

One of my kids once told me the mom across the street was prettier than I was. She did indeed meet all the standard American markers for conventional attractiveness, but she was/is also just incredibly nice, even-tempered, etc.

Instead of being hurt, we talked about why he liked that family so much, why our family wasn't like that, what it would take for me to even come close, why those weren't tradeoffs I was willing to make, and why I thought the best things about that mom didn't have anything to do with her looks.

And then I told him that we're taught to value prettiness, and it's mean to tell someone they're not because it might really hurt their feelings, and being unkind is much worse than not looking a certain way.

And then I told him that smelliness was bad and it was time for his bath.

[Anonymous]

My son called me fat once (he was 5 at the time). Sometimes, I think they just try to see what hits when they're pissed at you. I'm not fat, but it definitely "hit."

It sounds like your son wasn't angry, though. I'd try to focus more on the part of this where he's evaluating the attractiveness of his friend's mom, and not the part where he evaluates YOU (do you really want your son thinking you're attractive anyway?) and discuss that talking about women in that way isn't always appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was very matter-of-fact about it. He just said “you’re really not pretty mom” and then proceeded to tell me how pretty his friend’s mom is. It was a dagger to the heart. I didn’t react in the moment. Is it something I should bring up and tell him that it really hurt my feelings or leave it alone?

You could say that he isn't nice. And that name a kid you both know is very nice and wouldn't say that to their mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might be time for him to learn to ask himself these questions before speaking:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
Is it helpful?

Agree with this, and I'd also tell him (unemotionally) that it was mean and it hurt your feelings. Then let it go...don't mope or be distant with him once the discussion is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son said something similar to me when he was young. My response was curiosity. What did he mean, how wasn't I pretty? As it turns out, I was not "pretty like a princess", meaning I didn't have really long hair, I never wore fancy dresses, I wore glasses, and my "face wasn't like theirs" (I took that to mean I don't wear makeup or have unrealistic eye to face proportions.)

In the end, I told him it was ok to say say that to me because I was his mom and I wanted to understand him, but it was not polite to tell most people that they weren't pretty. I also explained how women could be beautiful in a lot of ways, and made a mental note that maybe he was watching waaay too many Disney movies.

But it didn't hurt me. I have no desire to look like a princess. I don't turn men's heads like I used to, but I don't want that. I also definitely don't want my son checking me out and thinking I look hot.

OP, if it was "like a dagger" I think that says more about how you feel about yourself than anything. It's ok to talk to your son, but don't put your own insecurities on him.

+1

[Anonymous]

"Mom, you aren't pretty"

"I know son, and the sad part of that is that because you are my son you aren't very attractive either.

Don't worry though, we can both just be nice people. Let's practice!"

[Anonymous]

I don’t need my children to build up my self esteem. I am confident enough to not care if ANY child think I’m pretty.

If it was my kid I’d ask some follow up and then say “ok” and move along. I may remind him that what other people look like is none of our business. That’s about it.

[Anonymous]

So do women need their kids to think they are pretty now too? Not everyone is pretty. Not everyone is smart. Everyone has value. Think about why being thought of as pretty is so important to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, you aren't pretty"

"I know son, and the sad part of that is that because you are my son you aren't very attractive either.

Don't worry though, we can both just be nice people. Let's practice!"

Fail

[Anonymous]

When your kid says something like this all you do is laugh and remind him that women aren’t out in this world to be visually appealing to others. Then ask if he wants spaghetti for dinner.

[Anonymous]

They don’t know what they are saying.

I’d respond with something along the lines of: Actually, I am very pretty, it’s just hard for the little kids to know whether adults are pretty or not. I see that you also is very handsome.

I usually don’t discuss my kids’ negative judgments of me, I state the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was very matter-of-fact about it. He just said “you’re really not pretty mom” and then proceeded to tell me how pretty his friend’s mom is. It was a dagger to the heart. I didn’t react in the moment. Is it something I should bring up and tell him that it really hurt my feelings or leave it alone?

You could say that he isn't nice. And that name a kid you both know is very nice and wouldn't say that to their mom!

Uh, no need to sink to the kid's level!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was very matter-of-fact about it. He just said “you’re really not pretty mom” and then proceeded to tell me how pretty his friend’s mom is. It was a dagger to the heart. I didn’t react in the moment. Is it something I should bring up and tell him that it really hurt my feelings or leave it alone?

You could say that he isn't nice. And that name a kid you both know is very nice and wouldn't say that to their mom!

Uh, no need to sink to the kid's level!

That isn't sinking. You could just be matter of fact that Jake is very nice and wouldn't say to his mom that she wasn't pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, you aren't pretty"

"I know son, and the sad part of that is that because you are my son you aren't very attractive either.

Don't worry though, we can both just be nice people. Let's practice!"

Lol. But seriously op…is it possible you just aren’t pretty?

[Anonymous]

As a PP said, that you took it to so hard likely means you do have some insecurities. I'm sorry that happened to you.

My kids have not said something like that to me but if they did, I think I would have probably told them that I am pretty in part because I don't have much insecurities about my appearance. And I would have expanded on the conversation to talk about what it means to be beautiful and also about being kind and not saying things that would offend.

FWIW, my kids (elementary and middle school age) tell me often that I am the prettiest, etc. regularly. I'm pretty sure they don't think I literally am but that I am to them because I'm their mom.

I also tell them how beautiful/handsome they are regularly. I was not told this growing up (grew up in the shadow of more attractive siblings) and it was not until college when I thought I could be attractive to someone.

Good luck, OP!