My son told me I’m not pretty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would punish him for the breathtaking rudeness and question my parenting for raising such a mean boy and try to turn it around. If he says that to his mother you can see how he's going to treat girls/women.

You sound like a rotten parent who values their own feelings and insecurity above all else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not ugly. I am fit, average height, blonde hair in my early 40s. I don’t wear much/any makeup, rarely blow dry my hair, and I’m always in comfy clothes. I’m less upset that he said I’m not pretty than the direct comparison to his friend’s mom (who is attractive but not pretty IMO). PP is correct that he always sees her done up in full hair and makeup so that’s part of it. I am huge into fitness and healthy eating but not big into clothes/hair/makeup. I get why he said it but it still hurts that he automatically labels that as pretty and not what I prioritize for myself/our family. I don’t think I’ll bring it up to him. It will give the statement more power if I do. He’s a very polite kid and would never say anything like that to anyone outside of family so I know it’s because he felt comfortable enough with me that he said it.
-OP

Look, if you don’t want to meet the beauty standard, good for you. But don’t get mad when other people notice.

Noticing is one thing. Raising a rude child is another.

I genuinely don’t understand why some posters think I am raising a rude child. He said something honest to me because he felt comfortable and knows I’m a safe person to open up to. That doesn’t mean he would say it anyone else in his life.
-OP

We are brutally honest about all this in my home. That is the definition of home. Like you I focus on developing healthy eating and exercise habits, not getting manicures or my hair done. But I don't hesitate to emphasize the ill effects of the typical American diet to my daughters: increased acne and menstrual discomfort, bloating, and poorer quality of sleep and mood. There is no real beauty without true self-care after a certain age. Some people did hit the lottery in terms of the symmetry of their features, and that's okay too.

Just for the record, this isn't really either/or.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, at bedtime the other night my 8 year old poked me in the stomach a la the Pilsbury dough boy and said "fat!" oh so casually. Like, I think he was literally just making an observation/being a little silly.

In his defense, 8 year olds can be very literal, and he's not incorrect. I am definitely thicker around the midsection these days. Since he didn't seem like he was trying to be intentionally cruel or mean, I didn't make a huge deal about it. I just rolled my eyes and told him it wasn't a very nice thing to say and he should be careful because he could hurt someone's feelings.

So, one untoward comment from an 8 y/o doesn't mean you're doing something wrong and raising a budding sociopath. Just use it as a learning opportunity.

Good lord no.

What you say is "Yes, I have fat on my stomach. People have bodies with all different types of sizes and with different amounts of fat. All bodies are good bodies."

Telling him it was "not nice" is not helpful. Now he knows "fat" is a loaded word you are sensitive about. Same with a kid telling me I'm not pretty. WHO CARES. I don't exist to look pretty for other people. That's a much more important lesson for an 8 year old to learn than "that's not nice to say".

Agree with above PP. Don't tell kids "fat" is a bad word or mean, then you're just teaching them that fat is bad and ugly. Teach then that all bodies are different, and we don't comment on other people's

[Anonymous]

my daughter's friend told me i was fat. and i'm not fat! kids just say stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Might be time for him to learn to ask himself these questions before speaking:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
Is it helpful?

This is age appropriate for an 8 year old.

They say stuff OP. My kids have done it. Maybe the other mom is prettier Who cares. You have to be the adult and your role in this situation is not to center your own feelings but to make sure he gets it why he can't say this kind of thing.

Sounds like something my DD8 would say! When my DCs have made unkind observations about me (or others), once I've collected myself, I talk to them (with a very level and friendly voice) about how what they said hurt my feelings a little bit (try to down play HOW much it did). And, while some things like that MAY be true it's kinder to keep those types of remarks to yourself. And, since the comment was specifically about beauty it probably also wouldn't hurt to potentially make a it a teachable moment about what is more important (character, kindness, intelligence, etc. - lots of different ways to be "beautiful"....).

[Anonymous]

I remember one time I put on a dress and makeup and did my hair, and my son looked at me and said I looked like a totally different person and he almost didn't recognize me because I looked so nice.

I didn't take it personally. You shouldn't either, OP. He doesn't need to think you're pretty in order to love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Might be time for him to learn to ask himself these questions before speaking:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
Is it helpful?

I don't even think the "is it true?" is useful. So what if it's true? It also has to be either kind or helpful. (Necessary and helpful can be combined into one. I just ask my kids, "Is it kind or is it useful?") Lots of things are true that you shouldn't say.

This isn’t me, but its idea is that a statement should satisfy all of the requirements. Truth, alone, is not enough, but also you don’t need to run around saying untrue things, even if they seem kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, at bedtime the other night my 8 year old poked me in the stomach a la the Pilsbury dough boy and said "fat!" oh so casually. Like, I think he was literally just making an observation/being a little silly.

In his defense, 8 year olds can be very literal, and he's not incorrect. I am definitely thicker around the midsection these days. Since he didn't seem like he was trying to be intentionally cruel or mean, I didn't make a huge deal about it. I just rolled my eyes and told him it wasn't a very nice thing to say and he should be careful because he could hurt someone's feelings.

So, one untoward comment from an 8 y/o doesn't mean you're doing something wrong and raising a budding sociopath. Just use it as a learning opportunity.

Good lord no.

What you say is "Yes, I have fat on my stomach. People have bodies with all different types of sizes and with different amounts of fat. All bodies are good bodies."

Telling him it was "not nice" is not helpful. Now he knows "fat" is a loaded word you are sensitive about. Same with a kid telling me I'm not pretty. WHO CARES. I don't exist to look pretty for other people. That's a much more important lesson for an 8 year old to learn than "that's not nice to say".

Agree with above PP. Don't tell kids "fat" is a bad word or mean, then you're just teaching them that fat is bad and ugly. Teach then that all bodies are different, and we don't comment on other people's

Ok, and then when they go to the real world for 5 mins they will learn the truth.