Caucasian son is dating an Indian girl he met in college. A few questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is really annoying. Can’t you talk to your son? I am certain he and his girlfriend have discussed all of these things. Why do you need strangers to generalize about the ideas and thoughts of others? India is huge with a lot of different traditions, customs, languages, foods …

Plus his girlfriend was raised in the US? Do you really think that her parents have never thought of her marrying a non Indian person or have become used to American culture? Why do you other her so much and forgot she is Indian American, not Indian?

OP - I disagree with this person. You sound like a thoughtful person trying to figure some things out. Your son sounds like he may be reserved in sharing so I am sure you are dying of curiosity. I certainly would be.

That's the vibe I got from OP's posts. She is curious and wants to do it right.

Though choice of words in title has racist tones.

[Anonymous]

OP -- if I'm interested in getting to know a person and want to avoid "where are you from" I'll ask "did you grow up in [city we are in/just talked about you living in?]"

[Anonymous]

Your son has been dating his girlfriend for years and you’ve never met her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son has been dating his girlfriend for years and you’ve never met her?

No. They met each other during their undergraduate studies but only began dating more recently.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

Exactly.
Don't ask "where are you from" to a person of color. Ask other things: how did you choose Medicine, what do you like about the town you live in, what do you like to do in your free time?
The things you want to know will naturally come in conversation. Don't force it.

Actually, asking an Indian person where they or their family is from opens the door to discussing the relevant Indian State; the language, food and customs there, and a host of other subjects. Indian people tend to identify significantly more with their cultural/linguistic background than according to a nebulous “person of color” label coined by Westerners that sort of lumps them all together along with people from all over the place with whom they have nothing in common.

This does not apply to Indian Americans. I am from Chicago not Chennai.

Of course it does. You’re a sample of one.

I’m guessing your are an immigrant not someone born and raised here of Indian origin.

Still pissed off about all those family vacation trips back to the village to see relatives, with no screens or A/C, huh?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

Exactly.
Don't ask "where are you from" to a person of color. Ask other things: how did you choose Medicine, what do you like about the town you live in, what do you like to do in your free time?
The things you want to know will naturally come in conversation. Don't force it.

Actually, asking an Indian person where they or their family is from opens the door to discussing the relevant Indian State; the language, food and customs there, and a host of other subjects. Indian people tend to identify significantly more with their cultural/linguistic background than according to a nebulous “person of color” label coined by Westerners that sort of lumps them all together along with people from all over the place with whom they have nothing in common.

This does not apply to Indian Americans. I am from Chicago not Chennai.

Of course it does. You’re a sample of one.

I’m guessing your are an immigrant not someone born and raised here of Indian origin.

Still pissed off about all those family vacation trips back to the village to see relatives, with no screens or A/C, huh?

What PP is saying is valid. Most of the Indians who wax so poetically about culture have immigrated in the last 20 years or so for work and school. Those who have been here longer, not as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this doesn't sound incredibly ignorant but my husband and I don't really have any Indian friends. The young lady and my son are at an age where I have a hunch he's going to propose soon. She is in medicine, he's in tech. We have not met her yet, but we have seen her on FaceTime calls and she seems delightful and ambitious. They seem to be smitten with each other, they both go way out of their ways to spend time with each other (I'd prefer not to elaborate on logistics on a public forum).

I guess I'm just genuinely curious, really. Is it likely or unlikely her parents are okay with her relationship with a blue-eyed Caucasian young man? I ask from personal experience. My husband is Jewish and his parents were extremely wary (to put it mildly) about our relationship. Any traditions about how he goes about proposing that he should be mindful of? Are most Indian weddings those big fancy ones I've seen on movies? Do the bride's parents pay for that? How does faith work with their potential children? Our children were mindful of husband's (lapsed) Jewish faith but raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. I don't know if that would be considered an issue to her and her parents.

Just anything you can share about what to expect, I'd really appreciate. I'm genuinely eager to learn. Thank you.

OP, I am not reading other replies because people become rude on DCUM. I agree that there is no one-size fits all. Indians are incredibly diverse lot in their culture and traditions.

I can give my own anecdata- my Indian American Hindu Brahmin DD (we are first gen immigrants) and her Caucasian Christian BF met in college, now a few years out of college and they want to get married. Both of them are highly educated, and have good career prospects, both of them come from highly educated, intact, UMC, white collar professional families. I have faith in my DD's choice. And yes, while I would love for her to be with an Indian-American boy, I would much prefer that she is with a person that she loves and who loves and cares for her. If it is a White boy, so be it. It is her life and I hope I have raised her well.

I had told my kids that they must be careful about who they pick and that I should be introduced only to prospective spouses. I had zero interest in meeting a parade of dates. So, this is a vetted person that my DD introduced to us. This may be different from prevalent mainstream culture. Indian kids are not encouraged to date in K-12 school. There is no pressure for kids to find a SO to marry because if they cannot find a suitable person to marry, then parents will usually find someone for them. My DD was friends with this person for a long time in college, because education and career had to be on track before romance. Since dating is not encouraged, I have found that Indian kids are super careful in picking the person who they marry, so that the parents don't object. Of course, once they are in college, they are dating but they do not share too much about this with parents. Most of the times, in school and college, kids are hanging around in mixed groups and they are socialized well. This may be a reason OP, that the girl your son is dating did not meet you yet. The good news is that relationships are taken seriously. If the girl is talking to you on FT, then the "wedding and future" talks has already commenced with your son and they are taking the steps needed for matrimony.

Bride, groom, both sides of parents - all of them contribute for the wedding nowadays based on financial situation. So, a very smart thing for you to do is - be organized. Make a spreadsheet of relatives and friends, have an idea of what you want to pay for, make a list of what your traditions are. Tell them what traditions you want to include. Remember, ideally - whatever traditions you have, you or your son should be willing to pay for it. Indian weddings are pretty flexible in "adding" things. So to fold-in the cultural tradition of another culture in our traditions is pretty easy. If you do not want to contribute, even that is something that needs to be clarified early in the process. Weddings can be big or small. There are many pre-wedding events that are as costly as a normal American weddings. However, nowadays the trend is to have some of these events as intimate events at home with a small number of guests.

I have seen a number of Indian girl-White boy marriages. Most are happy and stable. Mostly they are marrying within the same SES and they are high earners together.

[Anonymous]

Can someone correct me if I’m wrong, do the majority of Indian-American female doctors end up marrying Indian-American male doctors? Could this be a source of disappointment with her parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you watched the movie You People on Netflix? It's homework on what not to do.
Highly recommend it.

This was my first thought too. Instead of stereotyping her, get to know her like your son has.

[Anonymous]

I am a white woman married to an Indian-Indian (born and raised there, came here for grad school) man, and here is my experience with this: I was concerned when we were dating that his family would not accept me. Particularly when I found out that they had been trying to arrange his marriage to someone from his religion, caste, and sub-caste for years. How wrong I was!

My own father was the snob who objected to the match, I believe because he was not-white, didn't dress fashionably, had crooked teeth (never had braces), and didn't make enough money (although he made far more than previous white beaus who my dad adored). Truly this is what happened. On the other hand, my husband is from a very educated, very successful Indian family embraced me with open arms, especially his mom, who is not particularly confident speaking in English. Now, I embraced them, too. His delightful mother stayed with us for months after our daughter was born, cooks special meals for me while he is away, and let me take her for her first pedicure the other day (she felt it was indulgent, but also loved it).

Fast forward a decade and some small things have changed: my husband had his teeth fixed, and I bought him a new wardrobe, but what hasn't changed is that he is funny, handsome, kind, sharp as a tack, very supportive of my career, which involves travel and a constant childcare trade-off, and very committed to working just as hard as I do to support our family.

I guess my point is: you cannot change who he loves, but you darn sure can influence whether you have a chance at a close relationship with her and support him. Think about the relationship you want to have when they are parents! That's what brought my dad around, and now he saves his fancy wine to share with my husband and praises how family-oriented he is.

Others have given you great advice: try to get to know her in the same ways you would a white woman. Ask her about her hobbies, job, interests, friends, etc. But also, as you do, embracing her heritage is a great idea. Does she celebrate holi/diwali? Read up about it! See if there is a local celebration! Learn about what kinds of Indian foods she likes - try it at restaurants, even learn to cook it!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Consider yourself lucky. Indians are very relationship stable and they will make marriage work no matter what. Her family may be unhappy a little bit but they are in India, right ? The country is moving more toward consensual not arranged marriages it’s not like 100 years ago anymore

I am not a hundred percent sure but I believe she was born in the U.S. She graduated from a U.S. high school, which I can on his/her Facebook when he posts photos and her profile/bio is viewable. I have not asked my son where her parents were born because I didn't want to sound like that was a racist thing to ask.

Believe me, her parents are probably asking all these nosy questions because that's what Asian parents do.
I don't think it's racist to ask these questions because it brings up larger questions about where the couple will live, how they intend to raise a family and if under any religious or cultural influence. Also, if they intend to have a family, what are their expectations for familial childcare help because that can make life soooo much easier or sooo much harder for a young family.
These aren't racist questions, these are questions that require thinking about their future life together which is a very necessary exercise for marriage stability. I am speaking as somone who didn't go thru these questions, family life was hard and we split up after 2 kids because there was no clear path forward except more hardship for me.

[Anonymous]

You can’t generalize across all Indians. Is the girlfriend first generation American?

You are overthinking this.

Don’t dream up problems that are not even on the distant horizon yet.

[Anonymous]

My friend (American) married an Indian man and his parents are exceptionally warm and welcoming.

Their children are gorgeous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bigger issue here seems to be that your son is getting close to proposing to his girlfriend and you have not met her in person? Why is that?

I thought the same thing..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider yourself lucky. Indians are very relationship stable and they will make marriage work no matter what. Her family may be unhappy a little bit but they are in India, right ? The country is moving more toward consensual not arranged marriages it’s not like 100 years ago anymore

I am not a hundred percent sure but I believe she was born in the U.S. She graduated from a U.S. high school, which I can on his/her Facebook when he posts photos and her profile/bio is viewable. I have not asked my son where her parents were born because I didn't want to sound like that was a racist thing to ask.

What is up between you and your son??!!