Caucasian son is dating an Indian girl he met in college. A few questions

[Anonymous]

I hope this doesn't sound incredibly ignorant but my husband and I don't really have any Indian friends. The young lady and my son are at an age where I have a hunch he's going to propose soon. She is in medicine, he's in tech. We have not met her yet, but we have seen her on FaceTime calls and she seems delightful and ambitious. They seem to be smitten with each other, they both go way out of their ways to spend time with each other (I'd prefer not to elaborate on logistics on a public forum).

I guess I'm just genuinely curious, really. Is it likely or unlikely her parents are okay with her relationship with a blue-eyed Caucasian young man? I ask from personal experience. My husband is Jewish and his parents were extremely wary (to put it mildly) about our relationship. Any traditions about how he goes about proposing that he should be mindful of? Are most Indian weddings those big fancy ones I've seen on movies? Do the bride's parents pay for that? How does faith work with their potential children? Our children were mindful of husband's (lapsed) Jewish faith but raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. I don't know if that would be considered an issue to her and her parents.

Just anything you can share about what to expect, I'd really appreciate. I'm genuinely eager to learn. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Consider yourself lucky. Indians are very relationship stable and they will make marriage work no matter what. Her family may be unhappy a little bit but they are in India, right ? The country is moving more toward consensual not arranged marriages it’s not like 100 years ago anymore

[Anonymous]

I’ll get some popcorn.

[Anonymous]

Depends a lot on the parents. Some will care and some will not.

Most of my Indian American friends, their parents want them to marry not only someone who is Indian, but also someone from their region of India and, if they are Brahmin, a Brahmin.

Hearing their stories and perspectives have made me very wary of saying Indian men.

I also don’t want to deal with high maintenance demanding family dynamics (“what do you mean, you can’t take off work to pick up your second cousin’s aunt’s husband from the airport??”)

Having said that, some families are fine with it.

- white person who has had a lot of Indian friends over the years

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think these questions are questions any intercultural or interfaith marriages have to figure out between the two parties. I don't think the parents can negotiate these things for them. Just be polite and respectful of what the couple themselves decide.

I have friends who are in a white (male)/Pakistani (female) marriage. They had a Pakistani wedding in Lehore with her family. Not at all sure who paid. He's learning Urdu and I assume they will be raised bilingual. Not sure how they are negotiating religious compromise since they don't have children yet.

I have other friends who are in a Malaysian (male)/white (female) marriage. They had two weddings, one in her home Catholic church in SC and a secular one hosted by his mother in Malaysia. I believe they are raising their children atheist/lapsed Catholic-ish.

There are so many options, depending on the individual partners and their families and their connections to their religions and cultures.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider yourself lucky. Indians are very relationship stable and they will make marriage work no matter what. Her family may be unhappy a little bit but they are in India, right ? The country is moving more toward consensual not arranged marriages it’s not like 100 years ago anymore

I am not a hundred percent sure but I believe she was born in the U.S. She graduated from a U.S. high school, which I can on his/her Facebook when he posts photos and her profile/bio is viewable. I have not asked my son where her parents were born because I didn't want to sound like that was a racist thing to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

[Anonymous]

If she grew up here, her parents are used to seeing multi-cultural relationships.

Yes, last name _can_ tell you the region and religion of a person in India, a lot of the time but not always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this doesn't sound incredibly ignorant but my husband and don't really have any Indian friends. The young lady and my son are at an age where I have a hunch he's going to propose soon. She is in medicine, he's in tech. We have not met her yet, but we have seen her on FaceTime calls and she seems delightful and ambitious. They seem to be smitten with each other, they both go way out of their ways to spend time with each other (I'd prefer not to elaborate on logistics on a public forum).

I guess I'm just genuinely curious, really. Is it likely or unlikely her parents are okay with her relationship with a blue-eyed Caucasian young man? I ask from personal experience. My husband is Jewish and his parents were extremely wary (to put it mildly) about our relationship. Any traditions about how he goes about proposing that he should be mindful of? Are most Indian weddings those big fancy ones I've seen on movies? Do the bride's parents pay for that? How does faith work with their potential children? Our children were mindful of husband's (lapsed) Jewish faith but raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. I don't know if that would be considered an issue to her and her parents.

Just anything you can share about what to expect, I'd really appreciate. I'm genuinely eager to learn. Thank you.

Some people don't like when their child marries someone working class, or of a much higher class than they are, or someone who only graduated high school, or someone with divorced parents, etc. But most people just want their kids to be happy and marry a good person, regardless of these factors. I don't think you can really speculate or and anyone adding their two cents here are only guessing. Isn't it great that your son found someone that sounds like a great person and makes him happy? Congrats!

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm a mixed-race multi-national woman who grew up in regions of the world where no one looked like me and my parents stuck out like a sore thumb. When they met, they had no common language, religion or culture (or skin color). They made it work, and are still happily married in their 70s. Parts of my family took a long time to be reconciled to this union, but in the end they were all fine with it. At the time and in their circle, it was a shocking thing.

I know you mean well, but I cringe slightly when something so slight as a the difference between your son and his girlfriend makes you wonder all these things. They both speak English, and are somewhat or entirely westernized, right? They have a common American university experience. The girl's parents are presumably fine with her meeting young men not from their Indian caste, since their daughter is at a US medical school. When I was in grad school, my Indian friends whose parents required a same-caste Indian husband asked them to marry before coming to the US!

So it will be fine. Truly. They will iron out all these differences themselves, because we're in the 21st century and they are intelligent and sensitive young people with parents who are relatively open-minded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

No need to assume. Why don’t you invite the young lady home and also try to meet the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is really annoying. Can’t you talk to your son? I am certain he and his girlfriend have discussed all of these things. Why do you need strangers to generalize about the ideas and thoughts of others? India is huge with a lot of different traditions, customs, languages, foods …

Plus his girlfriend was raised in the US? Do you really think that her parents have never thought of her marrying a non Indian person or have become used to American culture? Why do you other her so much and forgot she is Indian American, not Indian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.