Caucasian son is dating an Indian girl he met in college. A few questions

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm just genuinely curious, really.

First of all, diversify your social circle. Everyone should have all sort of friends.

Is it likely or unlikely her parents are okay with her relationship with a blue-eyed Caucasian young man?

She is a 21+ American woman with a professional career. Her parents have no choice. Unless they are religious zealots, they'll eventually accept her decision.


Any traditions about how he goes about proposing that he should be mindful of?

No.


Are most Indian weddings those big fancy ones I've seen on movies?

Yes. At least 80% but new generation is against and it costs a lot here in North America so its changing and people do what couple wants.


Do the bride's parents pay for that?

Not anymore. If bride and groom are employed, they pay themselves for their wants. Parents just give a small or a big check depending on their retirement savings. Most Indians pay for education so their kids have no debt but parents have less savings.

How does faith work with their potential children? Our children were mindful of husband's (lapsed) Jewish faith but raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. I don't know if that would be considered an issue to her and her parents?

Its not yours or her parents problem or decision. She and your son will figure it out, likely an interfaith upbringing, leaning towards whoever is more religious among the couple.

Just anything you can share about what to expect, I'd really appreciate. I'm genuinely eager to learn.

Just be open minded and easygoing so at least your son and future DIL have less things to worry about. It shouldn't be about whole village, its their union, their happiness matters the most.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest using white rather than caucasian. Caucasian as a racial term comes from 18th/19th century racial (racist) science and none of the other racial terms terms used then would be considered appropriate today.

[Anonymous]

PP here. There are catholic indians but if they aren’t those they will not be okay at all with your religion. That’s a done deal but I bet your kid has already conceded that point. Judaism and agnosticism (maybe even atheism) they can live with but Catholicism? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Aww, precious OP.

It really depends. All Indian families are not the same.

Is she first generation American or was she born in India?

What do her parents do for a living?

It's interesting that your son hasn't had you meet her yet.

Has he met her family?

[Anonymous]

Indian movies are movies - it's not real! People in India don't run around trees singing at drop of the hat! Your son and his gf/fiance would do fine. They both would know how to work things out, just like you and your husband did. Their parents, having brought her up in US, and having sent their daughter to medical school would be more than familiar with the western culture and how to navigate crosscultural marriages. What is stopping you from meeting her, especially if your son is getting serious with her? Just wondering.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

It's telling that the son has kept his gf away from the family.

Also, why does OP think a proposal is coming?

She sounds worried and not necessarily about whether or not her son will be accepted

[Anonymous]

They may initially be disappointed she is marrying your son, but if he is good, kind, ambitious, responsible and respectful they will come to love him.

Indians are the best family to have - absolutely faithful, humorous, supportive, generous and kind. Your son is lucky!

Since SHE is Indian, the wedding will likely be traditional Indian, but really it’s what they decide. I assume she’ll want that, and I assume your son will follow her lead. Just my assumptions. I think her family will pay, but it’s nice if your contribute.

I am white, my DH is Indian, and he followed my lead regarding our wedding, as husbands often do.

My kids are gorgeous. We don’t follow any particular religion, and they have a regular normal western upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Yeh, you are going to have to talk to your son, there is a lot of diversity in India (as anywhere). Three of my best friends are from India: one is Hindu and married a Hindu man her parents introduced her to, one is catholic and she married an Indian catholic she met online, one is Zoroastrian and she married a Hispanic catholic she met in college.

[Anonymous]

The bigger issue here seems to be that your son is getting close to proposing to his girlfriend and you have not met her in person? Why is that?

[Anonymous]

There is a good documentary about this called “Bend it Like Beckham.” Watch it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this doesn't sound incredibly ignorant but my husband and I don't really have any Indian friends. The young lady and my son are at an age where I have a hunch he's going to propose soon. She is in medicine, he's in tech. We have not met her yet, but we have seen her on FaceTime calls and she seems delightful and ambitious. They seem to be smitten with each other, they both go way out of their ways to spend time with each other (I'd prefer not to elaborate on logistics on a public forum).

I guess I'm just genuinely curious, really. Is it likely or unlikely her parents are okay with her relationship with a blue-eyed Caucasian young man? I ask from personal experience. My husband is Jewish and his parents were extremely wary (to put it mildly) about our relationship. Any traditions about how he goes about proposing that he should be mindful of? Are most Indian weddings those big fancy ones I've seen on movies? Do the bride's parents pay for that? How does faith work with their potential children? Our children were mindful of husband's (lapsed) Jewish faith but raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. I don't know if that would be considered an issue to her and her parents.

Just anything you can share about what to expect, I'd really appreciate. I'm genuinely eager to learn. Thank you.

Blue eyed Caucasian man? Oh boy.
You're one of those types of moms.

Talk to your son. Ask questions about her. Better yet, ask to meet her. Ask her questions.

Gasp...


Maybe even ask to meet the family if you think it's going somewhere.

Don't generalize off of movies or random things strangers may tell you online.

Get outside of your comfort zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

[Anonymous]

Is she planning on bringing her parents to live with her, or pay for a relative’s education? These things are normal in some cultures

[Anonymous]

Isn’t it strange that he may propose and you have never met her? You know about her, but do her parents know about your son?

I would worry less about who pays for the wedding and more about the cultural expectations for financial support, living arrangements, visits, and elder care. Do the parents live in the US? If not, will they come to visit for months at a time or even a full year after the birth of each child? Will they be expected to travel to India regularly for weddings and significant milestones - impacting the amount of time and money your son has to visit you? What is the daughter’s obligation to her parents when they are retired and elderly?

I’m an only child of working class parents who married into an UMC family from a different region of the US. I think discussing your family of origin’s expectations of you and what you feel is a reasonable accommodation of those expectations is something everyone should discuss pre-marriage. But especially when there are potentially cultural priorities or expectations that one partner may not fully understand.