Caucasian son is dating an Indian girl he met in college. A few questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

Not true.

I'm a first gen American; born and raised.

People ask if I'm "from the area" all the time. DC is known for transplants. I was born in Houston so fair question. I don't assume they think I'm not American.
I have a number of family members and friends who are also first gen.[b] It's not the question but how you ask it.

It's not complicated at all unless you make it complicated. [b]

I'm also a first gen American, born and raised here, and I agree with PP. I'd just add that how you ask the question includes the tone, the time, the whole context, which is always part of any relationship.

OP, you sound like you're genuinely trying to be sensitive, but, as other PPs have noted, "Indian" or "Indian-American" families vary considerably in their circumstances and cultural perspectives. For all you know, your son's girlfriend's parents might have been born in the US. My kids are your kid's age and my advice is what I would give anyone meeting a sig other -- be friendly and warm and gracious and remember that this person makes your child happy. Follow your kid's lead and give this couple room to breathe.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do the children of a white blue-eyed father and Indian-American mum look like?

Lol, I think this is a troll, but I will say: they look perfect. (This is my daughter).

Are there any famous examples of this to Google?

Serena Pitt from the bachelor comes to mind.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do the children of a white blue-eyed father and Indian-American mum look like?

Gorgeous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

You said it's a status symbol to marry a (rich) white guy, but other posts suggest Indian-American parents want their daughter to marry an Indian-American guy. Can you and or others expand on this? I also don't understand the above reference to aunties.

OP, as others have said, it depends on the family. Some Indian families (gasp) just want their child to marry someone they love and don’t care about racial or ethnic background. In my experience, religion may be your best guide. If the family is Christian, for example, they are probably very open to their daughter marrying a white guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

Exactly.
Don't ask "where are you from" to a person of color. Ask other things: how did you choose Medicine, what do you like about the town you live in, what do you like to do in your free time?
The things you want to know will naturally come in conversation. Don't force it.

Actually, asking an Indian person where they or their family is from opens the door to discussing the relevant Indian State; the language, food and customs there, and a host of other subjects. Indian people tend to identify significantly more with their cultural/linguistic background than according to a nebulous “person of color” label coined by Westerners that sort of lumps them all together along with people from all over the place with whom they have nothing in common.

[Anonymous]

What parents want is irrelevant. She'll marry whoever she wants. Its not 1983's India. We are in 2023's America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

You said it's a status symbol to marry a (rich) white guy, but other posts suggest Indian-American parents want their daughter to marry an Indian-American guy. Can you and or others expand on this? I also don't understand the above reference to aunties.

PP here. So, this doesn't apply to the OP, because her son will not out-earn the maybe DIL, I believe. But usually anything different is met with gossip, and in my Indian circles, marrying a non-Indian is definitely gossip worthy. Marrying a non-Indian who makes less than you, if you're the girl, is cause for bad gossip. Marrying a non-Indian who is not SUPER pretty while you make a ton of money, if you're the boy, is cause for bad gossip. I don't have time to explain the concept of aunties to you.

Also, there's a lot of anti-dark skin bigotry in India and among Indian parents/community here, and people buy into white supremacy. So, if you are an Indian-American woman, and you marry a white guy, everyone knows your kids will be light-skinned if not super attractive which the grandparents love. And you got picked by the rich desirable white guy. Colonialism lives on, guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give them time and they will breakup.
Did you marry your college boyfriend?
Probably not.

They are years past the undergraduate college they met in.

Is she done with med school? If he followed her to med school they will make it; if they are doing distance while she studies it’s dicey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

Just to be clear, we are not rich. We are middle class. And I know what my son makes and I can google what she will make in her area of medicine. She will out-earn him. I'm not suggesting any of this matters, I'm just trying to be as transparent as possible.

Her parents will not be pleased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

Just to be clear, we are not rich. We are middle class. And I know what my son makes and I can google what she will make in her area of medicine. She will out-earn him. I'm not suggesting any of this matters, I'm just trying to be as transparent as possible.

Her parents will not be pleased.

What does this mean? How will potential in-laws know how much he earns? We only know on good authority because my husband does his taxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

Just to be clear, we are not rich. We are middle class. And I know what my son makes and I can google what she will make in her area of medicine. She will out-earn him. I'm not suggesting any of this matters, I'm just trying to be as transparent as possible.

Her parents will not be pleased.

What does this mean? How will potential in-laws know how much he earns? We only know on good authority because my husband does his taxes.

If your son works for a company then it’s not rocket science to figure out his salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

No need to assume. Why don’t you invite the young lady home and also try to meet the parents?

Seriously, this is the question right here. You think your son is going to propose and you've never met her in person? Get that invite for tea out immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's talk about the elephant in the room.
Your son has a girlfriend. You think he will soon propose, but you have never met her and your son has never introduced her to you?
You are afraid to ask your son about her because you feel like he may think you are racist?

You have a communication problem with your son. Take care of it first.

I don't know how soon, so maybe that was a poor choice of words. But I can envision him proposing and they are both at that age when this tends to happen. We have not met her, true, but they live very far away and both have very busy schedules, and my husband and I still work. Not because it's some secret or anything like that. We have chatted with him and her on FaceTime. They seem to spend every weekend together.

But, they've never come back for holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas (or some equivalent winter break). Passover isn't that far off (or Easter), invite him and her to visit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

So.. you’re making “getting to know you” chatter with your FDIL. “Where are you from” is a perfectly reasonable question, and “Dallas” is a fine answer, as is Kerala or London.

You’re making this unnecessarily weird and awkward, and also making it somehow all about you. You have a son with an I Dian girlfriend. Talk to THEM. Give them the opportunity to teach you about her, her family, and customs that they choose to follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's talk about the elephant in the room.
Your son has a girlfriend. You think he will soon propose, but you have never met her and your son has never introduced her to you?
You are afraid to ask your son about her because you feel like he may think you are racist?

You have a communication problem with your son. Take care of it first.

I don't know how soon, so maybe that was a poor choice of words. But I can envision him proposing and they are both at that age when this tends to happen. We have not met her, true, but they live very far away and both have very busy schedules, and my husband and I still work. Not because it's some secret or anything like that. We have chatted with him and her on FaceTime. They seem to spend every weekend together.

So let me get this straight. He hasn’t actually proposed, you just think he might.

Point one is to stop worrying about what Indians in general do, and get to know her as an individual. Get to know why your son loves her. This thread is already filled with all kinds of assumptions and racist statements that probably are irrelevant to your particular situation. Get out if this thread and make an effort to get to know her in your next FaceTime call.