Caucasian son is dating an Indian girl he met in college. A few questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son has been dating his girlfriend for years and you’ve never met her?

No. They met each other during their undergraduate studies but only began dating more recently.

Marriage after just starting a romantic relationship?

There is something off about this story.

Are you estranged from your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son has been dating his girlfriend for years and you’ve never met her?

No. They met each other during their undergraduate studies but only began dating more recently.

Marriage after just starting a romantic relationship?

There is something off about this story.

Are you estranged from your son?

Such a stupid response.

There is nothing wrong about this story. Indian-American college girls (especially the studious kinds from good families who are focused on becoming a doctor) will not jump into bed with the whole football team and sleep around. Sure, they are social and have a lot of friends but their family is very important to them so they will not jeopardize their career and family relationships over a boy. If they pick a non-Indian person to marry, they are savvy enough to first observe them and get to know them before choosing them. The fact that this girl chose OP's son means that OP's son brings a lot to the table too. Furthermore, these kids who were friends in undergrad and probably knew each other very well, probably liked each other quite a bit, circled back once they got into grad school/jobs/med school and found that their feelings have developed and that the real world/workplace does not have much to offer in terms of dating. Their careers are in the right trajectory too so that they can focus on settling down. They have probably dated a bit after college and realized that they were wasting their time with others. This is the way it should be. These kids are not immature and they know what they want. They are well matched.

Why would this mom be in the love life of her grown up independent son, unless he chose to share it with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this doesn't sound incredibly ignorant but my husband and I don't really have any Indian friends. The young lady and my son are at an age where I have a hunch he's going to propose soon. She is in medicine, he's in tech. We have not met her yet, but we have seen her on FaceTime calls and she seems delightful and ambitious. They seem to be smitten with each other, they both go way out of their ways to spend time with each other (I'd prefer not to elaborate on logistics on a public forum).

I guess I'm just genuinely curious, really. Is it likely or unlikely her parents are okay with her relationship with a blue-eyed Caucasian young man? I ask from personal experience. My husband is Jewish and his parents were extremely wary (to put it mildly) about our relationship. Any traditions about how he goes about proposing that he should be mindful of? Are most Indian weddings those big fancy ones I've seen on movies? Do the bride's parents pay for that? How does faith work with their potential children? Our children were mindful of husband's (lapsed) Jewish faith but raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. I don't know if that would be considered an issue to her and her parents.

Just anything you can share about what to expect, I'd really appreciate. I'm genuinely eager to learn. Thank you.

Indian here. It's practically impossible to answer your questions without having some idea of the woman's specific background - religion, state/community of origin, etc. Absent that, I'd respond with "it depends" to all your questions. As others have said, just get to know her instead of going in with pointless assumptions.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have young adult DC likely a few years younger than your DS. One of my very loving friends, a mom of 3 late 20s DC says of any and all of her DC’s friends and future life partners; “I will love who you love.” I’m fully embracing this credo and suggest you do the same.

My own parents faced some fairly significant obstacles trying gto be married in the Catholic Church in the early 1960s: dad was Catholic, Mom was Baptist who refused to convert (and never did). Also at play: cultural, regional and demographic clash. Each family equally scandalized and discouraging. Dad considered “a foreigner” because he was not from anywhere near Mom’s small town and had an ethnic surname. Ugly and shameful.

[Anonymous]

OP, you will figure out. You are not expected to know everything about another culture. Everything will unfold organically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son has been dating his girlfriend for years and you’ve never met her?

No. They met each other during their undergraduate studies but only began dating more recently.

Marriage after just starting a romantic relationship?

There is something off about this story.

Are you estranged from your son?

Such a stupid response.

There is nothing wrong about this story. Indian-American college girls (especially the studious kinds from good families who are focused on becoming a doctor) will not jump into bed with the whole football team and sleep around. Sure, they are social and have a lot of friends but their family is very important to them so they will not jeopardize their career and family relationships over a boy. If they pick a non-Indian person to marry, they are savvy enough to first observe them and get to know them before choosing them. The fact that this girl chose OP's son means that OP's son brings a lot to the table too. Furthermore, these kids who were friends in undergrad and probably knew each other very well, probably liked each other quite a bit, circled back once they got into grad school/jobs/med school and found that their feelings have developed and that the real world/workplace does not have much to offer in terms of dating. Their careers are in the right trajectory too so that they can focus on settling down. They have probably dated a bit after college and realized that they were wasting their time with others. This is the way it should be. These kids are not immature and they know what they want. They are well matched.

Why would this mom be in the love life of her grown up independent son, unless he chose to share it with her?

Wow so many assumptions/stereotypes here. Bravo.

[Anonymous]

OP, meet this woman first, welcome her with open arms and then come back here to clarify anything you are confused about.

[Anonymous]

Indian American here. Gigantic difference between someone from India and someone American-born. Also huge variations in levels of conservatism, etc., from family to family, and also variations based on subculture (Muslim? Hindu? Sikh? Christian? Gujarati? South Indian?) You get my drift.

[Anonymous]

OP, ask your son. He's got this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this doesn't sound incredibly ignorant but my husband and I don't really have any Indian friends. The young lady and my son are at an age where I have a hunch he's going to propose soon. She is in medicine, he's in tech. We have not met her yet, but we have seen her on FaceTime calls and she seems delightful and ambitious. They seem to be smitten with each other, they both go way out of their ways to spend time with each other (I'd prefer not to elaborate on logistics on a public forum).

I guess I'm just genuinely curious, really. Is it likely or unlikely her parents are okay with her relationship with a blue-eyed Caucasian young man? I ask from personal experience. My husband is Jewish and his parents were extremely wary (to put it mildly) about our relationship. Any traditions about how he goes about proposing that he should be mindful of? Are most Indian weddings those big fancy ones I've seen on movies? Do the bride's parents pay for that? How does faith work with their potential children? Our children were mindful of husband's (lapsed) Jewish faith but raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. I don't know if that would be considered an issue to her and her parents.

Just anything you can share about what to expect, I'd really appreciate. I'm genuinely eager to learn. Thank you.

India has a lot of religions (Hindu and Muslim are the most common, but also Sikhism, Jainism, Buddhism, Christianity, and even Judaism. Some Indians are atheists. There are a lot of Catholic Indians.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do the children of a white blue-eyed father and Indian-American mum look like?

Gorgeous?

They will usually end up looking Indian unless you get lucky with gorgeous blue or green eyes. OP like your family, my mom was Catholic and dad was Jewish. My mom had gorgeous blue eyes + dad- brown. I got stuck with brown. Some of my siblings have blue eyes.

You sound unbothered by the pairing OP. I am not sure how I would react.

[Anonymous]

Weren't Harry and Meghan upset about their family's speculations about looks of their future kids. Its only natural but can come across as racism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do the children of a white blue-eyed father and Indian-American mum look like?

Gorgeous?

They will usually end up looking Indian unless you get lucky with gorgeous blue or green eyes. OP like your family, my mom was Catholic and dad was Jewish. My mom had gorgeous blue eyes + dad- brown. I got stuck with brown. Some of my siblings have blue eyes.

You sound unbothered by the pairing OP. I am not sure how I would react.

What's wrong with brown eyes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

Not true.

I'm a first gen American; born and raised.

People ask if I'm "from the area" all the time. DC is known for transplants. I was born in Houston so fair question. I don't assume they think I'm not American.
I have a number of family members and friends who are also first gen. It's not the question but how you ask it.

It's not complicated at all unless you make it complicated.

That is how I feel. Always be respectful. But i do ask people where their family is originally from at times. I'll ask about their home country or if I've been there it starts a nice conversation. It is not complicated.

[Anonymous]

Wow he landed an Indian pre-med or med student. If I was OP, I'd be ecstatic. Tread lightly lady. Don't meddle, just follow your son's lead.