Caucasian son is dating an Indian girl he met in college. A few questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give them time and they will breakup.
Did you marry your college boyfriend?
Probably not.

They are years past the undergraduate college they met in.

In that case, he should have introduced you to her before he plans to propose.
In addition he should meet his future fiancée’s family.
If she is Hindu, it is a kind of live and let live kind of religion.
Probably the kids will learn different traditions without indoctrination.

[Anonymous]

Why not ask “what city are you from?” if you are afraid of offending her.

[Anonymous]

I think this thread is only going to confuse OP. Your adult, mentally competent , educated and employed son is romantically interested in his girlfriend of over a decade who is an adult, mentally competent, educated and employed young woman. I say just be happy and wait for him to propose when and if he does. You'll get plenty of opportunities to get to know her unless you ruin it with your fears and misconceptions. Yes, it may be awkward for yours and her family to adjust, so be it. They are 99.99% similar to you, don't focus on 0.01%.

If everyone lives in separate states, you may meet them just a handful times in your lifetime. You can handle it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

Exactly.
Don't ask "where are you from" to a person of color. Ask other things: how did you choose Medicine, what do you like about the town you live in, what do you like to do in your free time?
The things you want to know will naturally come in conversation. Don't force it.

Actually, asking an Indian person where they or their family is from opens the door to discussing the relevant Indian State; the language, food and customs there, and a host of other subjects. Indian people tend to identify significantly more with their cultural/linguistic background than according to a nebulous “person of color” label coined by Westerners that sort of lumps them all together along with people from all over the place with whom they have nothing in common.

This does not apply to Indian Americans. I am from Chicago not Chennai.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

You said it's a status symbol to marry a (rich) white guy, but other posts suggest Indian-American parents want their daughter to marry an Indian-American guy. Can you and or others expand on this? I also don't understand the above reference to aunties.

PP here. So, this doesn't apply to the OP, because her son will not out-earn the maybe DIL, I believe. But usually anything different is met with gossip, and in my Indian circles, marrying a non-Indian is definitely gossip worthy. Marrying a non-Indian who makes less than you, if you're the girl, is cause for bad gossip. Marrying a non-Indian who is not SUPER pretty while you make a ton of money, if you're the boy, is cause for bad gossip. I don't have time to explain the concept of aunties to you.

Also, there's a lot of anti-dark skin bigotry in India and among Indian parents/community here, and people buy into white supremacy. So, if you are an Indian-American woman, and you marry a white guy, everyone knows your kids will be light-skinned if not super attractive which the grandparents love. And you got picked by the rich desirable white guy. Colonialism lives on, guys.

West African here and it's a similar thing for many of us. Agree with all you said.

[Anonymous]

My brother is in Palo Alto's tech circle, so many of his friends have married Indian, Arab, Chinese and other classmates and colleagues. This is a lot more common on west coast because there is more diversity and people are more open minded. Young generation doesn't just tolerate but embrace and celebrate their differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

Exactly.
Don't ask "where are you from" to a person of color. Ask other things: how did you choose Medicine, what do you like about the town you live in, what do you like to do in your free time?
The things you want to know will naturally come in conversation. Don't force it.

Actually, asking an Indian person where they or their family is from opens the door to discussing the relevant Indian State; the language, food and customs there, and a host of other subjects. Indian people tend to identify significantly more with their cultural/linguistic background than according to a nebulous “person of color” label coined by Westerners that sort of lumps them all together along with people from all over the place with whom they have nothing in common.

This does not apply to Indian Americans. I am from Chicago not Chennai.

Of course it does. You’re a sample of one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is really annoying. Can’t you talk to your son? I am certain he and his girlfriend have discussed all of these things. Why do you need strangers to generalize about the ideas and thoughts of others? India is huge with a lot of different traditions, customs, languages, foods …

Plus his girlfriend was raised in the US? Do you really think that her parents have never thought of her marrying a non Indian person or have become used to American culture? Why do you other her so much and forgot she is Indian American, not Indian?

OP - I disagree with this person. You sound like a thoughtful person trying to figure some things out. Your son sounds like he may be reserved in sharing so I am sure you are dying of curiosity. I certainly would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

You said it's a status symbol to marry a (rich) white guy, but other posts suggest Indian-American parents want their daughter to marry an Indian-American guy. Can you and or others expand on this? I also don't understand the above reference to aunties.

It's not going to be the case for everyone.

Some families want to preserve the culture and will want a fellow Indian but even more specifically someone from their religious group and make even geographical area amongst other things.
Some are not so caught up on preservation and value "beauty". Their standard may be pale skin and Eurocentric features.

It depends on the people involved.

Most will prize culture over Eurocentricity though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

You said it's a status symbol to marry a (rich) white guy, but other posts suggest Indian-American parents want their daughter to marry an Indian-American guy. Can you and or others expand on this? I also don't understand the above reference to aunties.

PP here. So, this doesn't apply to the OP, because her son will not out-earn the maybe DIL, I believe. But usually anything different is met with gossip, and in my Indian circles, marrying a non-Indian is definitely gossip worthy. Marrying a non-Indian who makes less than you, if you're the girl, is cause for bad gossip. Marrying a non-Indian who is not SUPER pretty while you make a ton of money, if you're the boy, is cause for bad gossip. I don't have time to explain the concept of aunties to you.

Also, there's a lot of anti-dark skin bigotry in India and among Indian parents/community here, and people buy into white supremacy. So, if you are an Indian-American woman, and you marry a white guy, everyone knows your kids will be light-skinned if not super attractive which the grandparents love. And you got picked by the rich desirable white guy. Colonialism lives on, guys.

West African here and it's a similar thing for many of us. Agree with all you said.

What difference does gossip makes? It dies down with time. People move on to the next couple.

[Anonymous]

Humans are always afraid of "others" and like to seek comfort in and protect similarities and familiarities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is really annoying. Can’t you talk to your son? I am certain he and his girlfriend have discussed all of these things. Why do you need strangers to generalize about the ideas and thoughts of others? India is huge with a lot of different traditions, customs, languages, foods …

Plus his girlfriend was raised in the US? Do you really think that her parents have never thought of her marrying a non Indian person or have become used to American culture? Why do you other her so much and forgot she is Indian American, not Indian?

OP - I disagree with this person. You sound like a thoughtful person trying to figure some things out. Your son sounds like he may be reserved in sharing so I am sure you are dying of curiosity. I certainly would be.

That's the vibe I got from OP's posts. She is curious and wants to do it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

Exactly.
Don't ask "where are you from" to a person of color. Ask other things: how did you choose Medicine, what do you like about the town you live in, what do you like to do in your free time?
The things you want to know will naturally come in conversation. Don't force it.

Actually, asking an Indian person where they or their family is from opens the door to discussing the relevant Indian State; the language, food and customs there, and a host of other subjects. Indian people tend to identify significantly more with their cultural/linguistic background than according to a nebulous “person of color” label coined by Westerners that sort of lumps them all together along with people from all over the place with whom they have nothing in common.

This does not apply to Indian Americans. I am from Chicago not Chennai.

Of course it does. You’re a sample of one.

I’m guessing your are an immigrant not someone born and raised here of Indian origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

Exactly.
Don't ask "where are you from" to a person of color. Ask other things: how did you choose Medicine, what do you like about the town you live in, what do you like to do in your free time?
The things you want to know will naturally come in conversation. Don't force it.

Actually, asking an Indian person where they or their family is from opens the door to discussing the relevant Indian State; the language, food and customs there, and a host of other subjects. Indian people tend to identify significantly more with their cultural/linguistic background than according to a nebulous “person of color” label coined by Westerners that sort of lumps them all together along with people from all over the place with whom they have nothing in common.

This does not apply to Indian Americans. I am from Chicago not Chennai.

Of course it does. You’re a sample of one.

Okay, seems like you are really into your culture. That is not going to be the same for all Indian-Americans. I agree with Chicago PP, so now you have a same size of 2. Sounds like a trend you may be unaware of because your life is not like ours.
- Indian American

[Anonymous]

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