Caucasian son is dating an Indian girl he met in college. A few questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she planning on bringing her parents to live with her, or pay for a relative’s education? These things are normal in some cultures

OP doesn't know the basics about this woman, no way she would know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

Aww, you're trying, OP.

Don't overthink this.

Has your son told you anything about her like how did they meet, where did she grow up, what sports did she play in school or anything about her childhood, what's her favorite foods, etc.?

Strike up a conversation with him as in, "tell me everything about her", and just ask normal questions. Indian-American or not you'd want to know about her background and upbringing. That is normal. Also, her parents could be born in the U.S. so don't suspect anything, just ask where they live and how long they've lived in that area or if they moved around a bit. Conversation should flow.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, American upbringing really waters down individual cultures, languages and religions, no matter how much parents try to hold on to it.

[Anonymous]

PPs asked good questions about what her family might be expecting. If their family is more traditional, the parents might expect to move in at some point. Her mother will likely be more involved than you with the grandkids. How would you feel about that? Your DIL may likely want the kids to grow up knowing Indian cultural traditions. Will you support that? Will you educate yourself about those traditions? How will you feel if the grandkids are not raised Catholic? There are many questions that apply to any scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

+1

[Anonymous]

Focus should be on two people tying the knot, not on families, culture, religion or other baggage. Its for them to figure out. Parents should love and support to make it all easier for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

Just to be clear, we are not rich. We are middle class. And I know what my son makes and I can google what she will make in her area of medicine. She will out-earn him. I'm not suggesting any of this matters, I'm just trying to be as transparent as possible.

Oh then he needs to be prepared to be a house husband and you to take a backseat to everything. And probably to the grandkids benefit because white moms are in no way as helpful as Indian moms with the grandkids.

And frankly you should be grateful for it.

[Anonymous]

Your son works in tech. That is a respectable field to Indians, so that's a plus. His inlaws will expect him to make big money--is he willing/able to do that? Also, they will expect him to support their daughter's medical career no matter the cost to his own career and life. They spent their lives grooming her to be a doctor and that comes before everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound well-meaning, but why can’t you ask your son these questions? You don’t even know if she’s Indian (born and raised in India) vs Indian-American (born and raised in US to parents from India)?

I thought it might seem sort of retrograde to inquire about 'where was she born' or subject me to (playful) ridicule. The white American parents who ask where a non-white potential daughter in law was born, especially if she was born in say Dallas, you know what I mean? Fairly sure she was born in the U.S., so Indian-American. I suspect her parents were not born in the U.S. So, I'm sorry for my misuse of Indian, when it seems Indian-American should have been used.

People ask where people are from all the time and "America" is not the usual answer. It could be Dallas or it could be New Delhi. It's just a question. Same as where did she grow up, go to school, what does she like to do, etc.?

Its just a question for some but a trigger for others. People who are born and raised here, don't like this question because it says you look foreign, where are you originally from. They don't have any other place they can claim because countries of their immigrant parents are foreign to them, even though everyone tries to tie them to those places because of their looks. It's complicated and you should be sensitive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus should be on two people tying the knot, not on families, culture, religion or other baggage. Its for them to figure out. Parents should love and support to make it all easier for them.

Um, how naive are you? Culture, religion, baggage, family backgrounds all matter tremendously in a marriage. Maybe it doesn't seem like much when you're dating. But trust me, it will matter A LOT over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say OP because not all families are the same.

There is a huge amount of diversity of culture, languages, customs, religions, etc in India. Then again even within different groups, people are different in their family values and expectations.

Go in with a supportive and accepting mindset and try not to have any preconceived notions from the onset.

I figured that and that was actually another one of my questions: How can you tell what her family's customs are? Is her surname any clue? I can see her Facebook and they both post a lot of photos with each other, so I'm assuming her parents and family know of this relationship.

OP, I don’t mean to be jerky but why not open a conversation with your son about the actual woman at issue? You are not going to learn anything definitive, and therefore, of particular value on this kind of general anonymous message board.

OP, I am the girl who married your son and it was an epic disaster - because of his parents. They were Jewish, ironically, and hated my culture.

On the other hand, my parents love him. You sound like a nice person who wants to make this work so I think this could be really cool for both your families. The first question is how westernized your future DIL is. It’s a great sign she is in pics on Facebook etc because this means the whole extended fam can see. It’s a bit of a status symbol too to marry a rich white guy because your kids will be fair. Sucks but it helps with the aunties.

They will pay for the wedding. They will spend tons. If you’re cool with her culture being the priority, they will pay for everything and treat you like guests of honor. I’d just roll with it.

Just to be clear, we are not rich. We are middle class. And I know what my son makes and I can google what she will make in her area of medicine. She will out-earn him. I'm not suggesting any of this matters, I'm just trying to be as transparent as possible.

Oh then he needs to be prepared to be a house husband and you to take a backseat to everything. And probably to the grandkids benefit because white moms are in no way as helpful as Indian moms with the grandkids.

And frankly you should be grateful for it.

Well, female physicians often prefer henpecked husbands, if husbands doesn't cooperate then divorces are very common because their career comes first after making so many sacrifices for it. Fortunately, most earn high enough to afford SAHDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus should be on two people tying the knot, not on families, culture, religion or other baggage. Its for them to figure out. Parents should love and support to make it all easier for them.

Um, how naive are you? Culture, religion, baggage, family backgrounds all matter tremendously in a marriage. Maybe it doesn't seem like much when you're dating. But trust me, it will matter A LOT over time.

If families aren't supportive. Things only go haywire when people are rigid, flexible and looking for problems not solutions.

[Anonymous]

*inflexible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son works in tech. That is a respectable field to Indians, so that's a plus. His inlaws will expect him to make big money--is he willing/able to do that? Also, they will expect him to support their daughter's medical career no matter the cost to his own career and life. They spent their lives grooming her to be a doctor and that comes before everything else.

Speculations and stereotypes.