“Beach House” Early

[Anonymous]

You can't really ask them for a certain kind of room if you don't intend to stay the whole week. You could if you would stay the whole time. So the issue is the nephew. So your answer is continue to not stay in the house.

I would tell the parents what's going on and your reason and leave it at that.

Lots of drama. Communicate more. Just be kind and direct.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

So then the cousins violent behavior isnt really an issue if you would "stay anyway". You are confusing.

+100. Exactly this. Pick a lane, OP.

Agree

I can’t tell if the “confused” posts are in good faith, but just in case:

We would spend 1-2 days at the beach house staying with the in-laws if our accommodations were such that we could lock a door at night between our kids and oldest cousin— so no wandering out to the bathroom at 2 a.m. The rest of the time we watch the kids like hawks and the only time we don’t is when we’re asleep.

OP makes the nephew sound like a psycho path with a hairpin trigger so if she feels comfortable with a flimsy rental door lock to keep her kids safe while she is asleep, have at it and good luck.

I’m OP. I don’t think I made him sound like a psychopath— he has significantly injured two of his siblings, both times things which an adult present could have prevented.

I have to wonder what kind of parent YOU are, because you can prevent injury to your family by...not staying with this kid.

We have to be hyper vigilant either way or not even visit the beach house. If it’s genuinely important to my in laws that we stay with them, we can for a short time if we can lock the doors. If they’re just being polite I won’t waste the effort.

My husband is just as good at supervising as I am, and tends to prefer to be the one with the kid with our nephew as our nephew is getting bigger— I have no concerns about him. He will also put an end to these trips the first time our nephew even attempts to lay a finger on our kids so I’m not worried about his boundaries.

[Anonymous]

This child would bust into your room in the middle of the night while you're all sleeping if the door wasn't locked and potentially harm you but you can't discuss this with your in laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

So then the cousins violent behavior isnt really an issue if you would "stay anyway". You are confusing.

+100. Exactly this. Pick a lane, OP.

Agree

I can’t tell if the “confused” posts are in good faith, but just in case:

We would spend 1-2 days at the beach house staying with the in-laws if our accommodations were such that we could lock a door at night between our kids and oldest cousin— so no wandering out to the bathroom at 2 a.m. The rest of the time we watch the kids like hawks and the only time we don’t is when we’re asleep.

OP makes the nephew sound like a psycho path with a hairpin trigger so if she feels comfortable with a flimsy rental door lock to keep her kids safe while she is asleep, have at it and good luck.

I’m OP. I don’t think I made him sound like a psychopath— he has significantly injured two of his siblings, both times things which an adult present could have prevented.

I have to wonder what kind of parent YOU are, because you can prevent injury to your family by...not staying with this kid.

We have to be hyper vigilant either way or not even visit the beach house. If it’s genuinely important to my in laws that we stay with them, we can for a short time if we can lock the doors. If they’re just being polite I won’t waste the effort.

My husband is just as good at supervising as I am, and tends to prefer to be the one with the kid with our nephew as our nephew is getting bigger— I have no concerns about him. He will also put an end to these trips the first time our nephew even attempts to lay a finger on our kids so I’m not worried about his boundaries.

And if it's genuinely important to you to stay with them, you will proactively send links to places you deem acceptable, and you will tell them what you need in order to stay with them. And then let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This child would bust into your room in the middle of the night while you're all sleeping if the door wasn't locked and potentially harm you but you can't discuss this with your in laws?

If we discuss it with my in laws it will (probably) go as follows:

MIL “oh that was all ages ago/he’s doing so well in tae kwon do/his Religious Teacher says he’s making such improvements/he loves little babies/he’s so good with toddlers/you’re overreacting”

FIL: “we should leave him home and not take him to the beach/this Religious Teacher is a quack with no credentials or training/SIL needed to bring him in line years ago/BIL needs to be a stronger father figure”

And you will see none of this gets to the point and opens a wholly unhelpful family debate on a subject I don’t care to discuss. Personally I think the hotel remains the best option, this is something I would revisit if it’s is genuine importance to my in laws. If it’s not, I just want them to stop making a show in front of my almost four y/o who is old enough to think a sleepover would be fun. I suppose the path of least resistance is just to ask them to stop saying that in front of my oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer to this is just to continue not to participate but I thought I’d ask.

My parents in-law and sister in law select a beach house every year and ask us to join them. We are never consulted about the house, sometimes consulted about the dates. We typically go for a day, maybe stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Every year they say “why don’t you stay with us!?” and do some level of drama about how they “got a house with rooms for us.” Every year I say I like to choose my own accommodations.

If they really wanted us to stay with them, they’d start asking our input into the house right? I think this is just their “polite” protestation but they don’t actually want to select a house with our preferences in mind?

You got it. Business as usual...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child would bust into your room in the middle of the night while you're all sleeping if the door wasn't locked and potentially harm you but you can't discuss this with your in laws?

If we discuss it with my in laws it will (probably) go as follows:

MIL “oh that was all ages ago/he’s doing so well in tae kwon do/his Religious Teacher says he’s making such improvements/he loves little babies/he’s so good with toddlers/you’re overreacting”

FIL: “we should leave him home and not take him to the beach/this Religious Teacher is a quack with no credentials or training/SIL needed to bring him in line years ago/BIL needs to be a stronger father figure”

And you will see none of this gets to the point and opens a wholly unhelpful family debate on a subject I don’t care to discuss. Personally I think the hotel remains the best option, this is something I would revisit if it’s is genuine importance to my in laws. If it’s not, I just want them to stop making a show in front of my almost four y/o who is old enough to think a sleepover would be fun. I suppose the path of least resistance is just to ask them to stop saying that in front of my oldest.

OMG then just stay in a hotel, then. You are honestly exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child would bust into your room in the middle of the night while you're all sleeping if the door wasn't locked and potentially harm you but you can't discuss this with your in laws?

If we discuss it with my in laws it will (probably) go as follows:

MIL “oh that was all ages ago/he’s doing so well in tae kwon do/his Religious Teacher says he’s making such improvements/he loves little babies/he’s so good with toddlers/you’re overreacting”

FIL: “we should leave him home and not take him to the beach/this Religious Teacher is a quack with no credentials or training/SIL needed to bring him in line years ago/BIL needs to be a stronger father figure”

And you will see none of this gets to the point and opens a wholly unhelpful family debate on a subject I don’t care to discuss. Personally I think the hotel remains the best option, this is something I would revisit if it’s is genuine importance to my in laws. If it’s not, I just want them to stop making a show in front of my almost four y/o who is old enough to think a sleepover would be fun. I suppose the path of least resistance is just to ask them to stop saying that in front of my oldest.

OMG then just stay in a hotel, then. You are honestly exhausting.

No one is asking you for your input if your find it so taxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child would bust into your room in the middle of the night while you're all sleeping if the door wasn't locked and potentially harm you but you can't discuss this with your in laws?

If we discuss it with my in laws it will (probably) go as follows:

MIL “oh that was all ages ago/he’s doing so well in tae kwon do/his Religious Teacher says he’s making such improvements/he loves little babies/he’s so good with toddlers/you’re overreacting”

FIL: “we should leave him home and not take him to the beach/this Religious Teacher is a quack with no credentials or training/SIL needed to bring him in line years ago/BIL needs to be a stronger father figure”

And you will see none of this gets to the point and opens a wholly unhelpful family debate on a subject I don’t care to discuss. Personally I think the hotel remains the best option, this is something I would revisit if it’s is genuine importance to my in laws. If it’s not, I just want them to stop making a show in front of my almost four y/o who is old enough to think a sleepover would be fun. I suppose the path of least resistance is just to ask them to stop saying that in front of my oldest.

OMG then just stay in a hotel, then. You are honestly exhausting.

No one is asking you for your input if your find it so taxing.

You specifically came here asking for advice. Or did you conveniently forget?.

Agree you're exhausting and a drama queen. Just don't go. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child would bust into your room in the middle of the night while you're all sleeping if the door wasn't locked and potentially harm you but you can't discuss this with your in laws?

If we discuss it with my in laws it will (probably) go as follows:

MIL “oh that was all ages ago/he’s doing so well in tae kwon do/his Religious Teacher says he’s making such improvements/he loves little babies/he’s so good with toddlers/you’re overreacting”

FIL: “we should leave him home and not take him to the beach/this Religious Teacher is a quack with no credentials or training/SIL needed to bring him in line years ago/BIL needs to be a stronger father figure”

And you will see none of this gets to the point and opens a wholly unhelpful family debate on a subject I don’t care to discuss. Personally I think the hotel remains the best option, this is something I would revisit if it’s is genuine importance to my in laws. If it’s not, I just want them to stop making a show in front of my almost four y/o who is old enough to think a sleepover would be fun. I suppose the path of least resistance is just to ask them to stop saying that in front of my oldest.

OMG then just stay in a hotel, then. You are honestly exhausting.

No one is asking you for your input if your find it so taxing.

You specifically came here asking for advice. Or did you conveniently forget?.

Agree you're exhausting and a drama queen. Just don't go. At all.

Advice from people who don’t find a paragraph of information “honestly exhausting”. You are clearly too taxed to provide helpful advice, unlike others, so please feel free to conserve your limited energy and read something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child would bust into your room in the middle of the night while you're all sleeping if the door wasn't locked and potentially harm you but you can't discuss this with your in laws?

If we discuss it with my in laws it will (probably) go as follows:

MIL “oh that was all ages ago/he’s doing so well in tae kwon do/his Religious Teacher says he’s making such improvements/he loves little babies/he’s so good with toddlers/you’re overreacting”

FIL: “we should leave him home and not take him to the beach/this Religious Teacher is a quack with no credentials or training/SIL needed to bring him in line years ago/BIL needs to be a stronger father figure”

And you will see none of this gets to the point and opens a wholly unhelpful family debate on a subject I don’t care to discuss. Personally I think the hotel remains the best option, this is something I would revisit if it’s is genuine importance to my in laws. If it’s not, I just want them to stop making a show in front of my almost four y/o who is old enough to think a sleepover would be fun. I suppose the path of least resistance is just to ask them to stop saying that in front of my oldest.

None of us know if it's important to your in-laws. The hotel seems like the best option to your family regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child would bust into your room in the middle of the night while you're all sleeping if the door wasn't locked and potentially harm you but you can't discuss this with your in laws?

If we discuss it with my in laws it will (probably) go as follows:

MIL “oh that was all ages ago/he’s doing so well in tae kwon do/his Religious Teacher says he’s making such improvements/he loves little babies/he’s so good with toddlers/you’re overreacting”

FIL: “we should leave him home and not take him to the beach/this Religious Teacher is a quack with no credentials or training/SIL needed to bring him in line years ago/BIL needs to be a stronger father figure”

And you will see none of this gets to the point and opens a wholly unhelpful family debate on a subject I don’t care to discuss. Personally I think the hotel remains the best option, this is something I would revisit if it’s is genuine importance to my in laws. If it’s not, I just want them to stop making a show in front of my almost four y/o who is old enough to think a sleepover would be fun. I suppose the path of least resistance is just to ask them to stop saying that in front of my oldest.

If you REALLY don't want to have this discussion, then "blame" it on your 4 year old and stay at a hotel. He sleepwalks, he's having night time bedwetting issues, night terrors, thinks he wants to sleep over but freaks out. Tell the IL's that by making a big show it's like teasing him because he's dying to sleep over but you have to be the one to remind him he can't because of whatever issue you pick from the above. And it cues meltdowns and makes you think about not coming at all.

It sounds like this is a once a year thing. Evaluate on a year by year basis. This kid may grow out of it and your kids will definitely get older and be able to take care of themselves a bit more.

[Anonymous]

You just have to get over your worry about “the show” they put on in front of your kid. Millions of parents deal with in laws that say stupid things and get young kids excited about something the parents will never, ever allow. You tell your four year old that you prefer a hotel so everyone gets bette sleep — or whatever excuse you make up. In a few more years, your kid will realize that cousin is a jerk or they will have such disparate ages that he won’t be into cousin. You are making far too big a deal about “the show.”

[Anonymous]

So your options are:

(a) status quo. You go for a couple of days, you stay in a hotel, they have a little bit of a grouch, or

(b) you participate in a process of articulating your needs, reviewing and checking houses, committing to dates (a week?), paying for part of a house, and spending the time with a family where you have to watch your kids really carefully.

I pick option (a) and put up with the grouching, tbh.

[Anonymous]

You get that no one wants you there, yes?