“Beach House” Early

[Anonymous]

I think the answer to this is just to continue not to participate but I thought I’d ask.

My parents in-law and sister in law select a beach house every year and ask us to join them. We are never consulted about the house, sometimes consulted about the dates. We typically go for a day, maybe stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Every year they say “why don’t you stay with us!?” and do some level of drama about how they “got a house with rooms for us.” Every year I say I like to choose my own accommodations.

If they really wanted us to stay with them, they’d start asking our input into the house right? I think this is just their “polite” protestation but they don’t actually want to select a house with our preferences in mind?

[Anonymous]

Get out ahead of it. “Since you mentioned last year that you would like us to stay with you and stay longer, we wanted to be a part of the planning process this year. Like you, we have factors like work and camps to plan around, and like you, we have preferences on what types of accommodations work best for us. If we can be part of the planning process, we will be happy to stay with you and stay for the full duration of the trip. If that’s not possible, we’ll do what works best for us and hopefully there will be some overlap.”

Call them out.

[Anonymous]

Are you staying with them as a guest or are you paying for your nights there?

[Anonymous]

Your partner needs to handle this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Do you actually want to stay with them if they picked a house you liked? Or is it kind of an out for you that you aren’t consulted?

[Anonymous]

If you routinely only join for a day out of the week and not even in the house for that, I wouldn't consult you about picking the house either. If you would *like* to stay in the house, and for the entire week, then you should reach out early and say "we really want to try to join for the full week this year, have you started thinking about dates/houses yet?"

But I get the impression you have no desire to actually stay in any beach house with them, so I'm not sure why you're looking to make it their fault that you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer to this is just to continue not to participate but I thought I’d ask.

My parents in-law and sister in law select a beach house every year and ask us to join them. We are never consulted about the house, sometimes consulted about the dates. We typically go for a day, maybe stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Every year they say “why don’t you stay with us!?” and do some level of drama about how they “got a house with rooms for us.” Every year I say I like to choose my own accommodations.

If they really wanted us to stay with them, they’d start asking our input into the house right? I think this is just their “polite” protestation but they don’t actually want to select a house with our preferences in mind?

Okay, it’s weird that you go but stay in a hotel. What “preferences” need accommodation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer to this is just to continue not to participate but I thought I’d ask.

My parents in-law and sister in law select a beach house every year and ask us to join them. We are never consulted about the house, sometimes consulted about the dates. We typically go for a day, maybe stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Every year they say “why don’t you stay with us!?” and do some level of drama about how they “got a house with rooms for us.” Every year I say I like to choose my own accommodations.

If they really wanted us to stay with them, they’d start asking our input into the house right? I think this is just their “polite” protestation but they don’t actually want to select a house with our preferences in mind?

Why not explain specifically what it is you don't like about the beach house(s) they have been choosing every year? Too small/not enough space for everyone? Too dumpy? Too expensive? Not conveniently located? What is it? Whaaaat is it?

[Anonymous]

We would stay with them if the accommodations were suitable, and the dates work. We’re never asked for our input on accommodations even though we’ve said this a number of times, though, so I read the “but we got a house with rooms for you” as sort of a fake-polite protest. I don’t mind that they don’t care for us to stay, it would be nice if they’d stop the show before I have to explain it to our kids, though.

I am also realizing I may have to tell my in laws I consider one of the cousins potentially unsafe for being around my young children unsupervised (one of the reasons the accommodations are so problematic) because I really don’t want a family-wide referendum on SILs parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer to this is just to continue not to participate but I thought I’d ask.

My parents in-law and sister in law select a beach house every year and ask us to join them. We are never consulted about the house, sometimes consulted about the dates. We typically go for a day, maybe stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Every year they say “why don’t you stay with us!?” and do some level of drama about how they “got a house with rooms for us.” Every year I say I like to choose my own accommodations.

If they really wanted us to stay with them, they’d start asking our input into the house right? I think this is just their “polite” protestation but they don’t actually want to select a house with our preferences in mind?

Okay, it’s weird that you go but stay in a hotel. What “preferences” need accommodation?

We need a room with enough space for four, and a separate bathroom that can be locked. So basically a regular sized hotel room. What we tend to be offered is for my husband and I to sleep in a very small bedroom and our children to share rooms with their cousins, which is a non-starter. I also can’t have a situation where my youngest has to wander around at night to go to the bathroom because she’s still in the “gets lost in a new place” stage.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go or tell them what you told us here

I feel your pain though, my ILs have a tendency to book trips for us without even asking if we are free to go on a trip, let alone on the dates or destination, and somehow I’m in the wrong for finally putting my foot down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer to this is just to continue not to participate but I thought I’d ask.

My parents in-law and sister in law select a beach house every year and ask us to join them. We are never consulted about the house, sometimes consulted about the dates. We typically go for a day, maybe stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Every year they say “why don’t you stay with us!?” and do some level of drama about how they “got a house with rooms for us.” Every year I say I like to choose my own accommodations.

If they really wanted us to stay with them, they’d start asking our input into the house right? I think this is just their “polite” protestation but they don’t actually want to select a house with our preferences in mind?

Okay, it’s weird that you go but stay in a hotel. What “preferences” need accommodation?

We need a room with enough space for four, and a separate bathroom that can be locked. So basically a regular sized hotel room. What we tend to be offered is for my husband and I to sleep in a very small bedroom and our children to share rooms with their cousins, which is a non-starter. I also can’t have a situation where my youngest has to wander around at night to go to the bathroom because she’s still in the “gets lost in a new place” stage.

Has your spouse said: “we need 2 bedrooms near to each other if you want us to stay in the house”.

I’m sure there would be a bathroom nearby if you take up 2 rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We would stay with them if the accommodations were suitable, and the dates work. We’re never asked for our input on accommodations even though we’ve said this a number of times, though, so I read the “but we got a house with rooms for you” as sort of a fake-polite protest. I don’t mind that they don’t care for us to stay, it would be nice if they’d stop the show before I have to explain it to our kids, though.

I am also realizing I may have to tell my in laws I consider one of the cousins potentially unsafe for being around my young children unsupervised (one of the reasons the accommodations are so problematic) because I really don’t want a family-wide referendum on SILs parenting.

ugh. Keep doing the hotel!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer to this is just to continue not to participate but I thought I’d ask.

My parents in-law and sister in law select a beach house every year and ask us to join them. We are never consulted about the house, sometimes consulted about the dates. We typically go for a day, maybe stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Every year they say “why don’t you stay with us!?” and do some level of drama about how they “got a house with rooms for us.” Every year I say I like to choose my own accommodations.

If they really wanted us to stay with them, they’d start asking our input into the house right? I think this is just their “polite” protestation but they don’t actually want to select a house with our preferences in mind?

Okay, it’s weird that you go but stay in a hotel. What “preferences” need accommodation?

We need a room with enough space for four, and a separate bathroom that can be locked. So basically a regular sized hotel room. What we tend to be offered is for my husband and I to sleep in a very small bedroom and our children to share rooms with their cousins, which is a non-starter. I also can’t have a situation where my youngest has to wander around at night to go to the bathroom because she’s still in the “gets lost in a new place” stage.

Has your spouse said: “we need 2 bedrooms near to each other if you want us to stay in the house”.

I’m sure there would be a bathroom nearby if you take up 2 rooms.

We don’t need two rooms. I’m perfectly happy to share with my kids. We need a room big enough for that, with a bathroom which my kids are not sharing with their cousins.

My oldest nephew has sent two of his siblings to the ER with some of his outbursts, we are very cautious about him not being unsupervised with our children.

[Anonymous]

Do you pay for the room they get for you but don’t use? If they accommodate you you’ll need to pay.