“Beach House” Early

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK at this point it's pretty obvious that you are tip toeing around the nephew issue because you are deliberately leaving out any information about whatever express or implied quid pro quo if you do not agree to expose your own children to the nephew. The most likely is that you are afraid of some financial repercussion from the in laws, but it could be something else. No one in their right mind would consider having to be constantly vigilant of the nephew tolerable even for an hour much less a day or more.

What are you afraid will happen if you draw the clearly necessary bounday of no contact between nephew and your kids?

The SIL or MIL will cast you as the bad guy? Then what? These are your own children. If nephew decides one day it would be fun to poke out a four year old's eye or bite off an ear your life will be forever and dramatically changed, as will your child's. No amount of lost college funds or lost inheritance is worth it.

My husband wants our children to have a relationship with their other cousins, who are their only similar-age family on his side. There is, as yet, no dividing the oldest from his siblings.

As stated up thread, your in laws entire family including your own husband is a web of dysfunctional enabling. There is no rule that requires the violent nephew to be inseperable at all times from his siblings. Just that your SIL does this to enable the child, and as a form of emotional blackmail to the rest ofnthe family. Your MIL enables the SIL, the FIL enables all of them, your husband also wants to be part of the enabling, and now, you too.

Meanwhile, because the entire family is engaging in dysfunctional codependency, the nephew is not getting proper medication, therapy, or other appropriate intervention so that everyone else has to be in constant alert to deal with the next act of criminal and violent behavior. Assaulting other people is a crime even if a child does it and even if the child is prosecuted as a juvenile not as an adult.

You first need to decide, for yourself, to be a mentally healthy and functional adult and mother. You have to make it very clear to your husband that you are no longer willing to expose your kids to this nephew even if there are other adults watching because that in itself is dysfunctional and does not address the nephew's issues properly. It is also no guarantee that your children will be safe. You will not permit your children or yourself to be used as pawns any longer.

If your husband wishes a relationship with the nephew and neohew's sibs, he can visit without your children. You will stay home with them.

With a family dynamic as unhealthy as your in laws and husband seems to be, no doubt there are a plethora of other issues, but the safety of your children is an ansolute deal breaker.

Grow a spine OP. If not for yourself, then fir your innocent and vulnerable children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

So then the cousins violent behavior isnt really an issue if you would "stay anyway". You are confusing.

+100. Exactly this. Pick a lane, OP.

Agree

I can’t tell if the “confused” posts are in good faith, but just in case:

We would spend 1-2 days at the beach house staying with the in-laws if our accommodations were such that we could lock a door at night between our kids and oldest cousin— so no wandering out to the bathroom at 2 a.m. The rest of the time we watch the kids like hawks and the only time we don’t is when we’re asleep.

They are not going to pick a house and give you the nicest space for you to spend a day or two. This is why they do not consult you. Just be claer that you prefer staying in a hotel and allow them to pay for a smaller house.

+1

Y'all going to get the moldy, smelly basement room next to the highway, so may as well get a decent hotel.

And for God sakes, keep your children safe from this dysfunctional, enabling family! Why are ThEY being coddled?? Just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK at this point it's pretty obvious that you are tip toeing around the nephew issue because you are deliberately leaving out any information about whatever express or implied quid pro quo if you do not agree to expose your own children to the nephew. The most likely is that you are afraid of some financial repercussion from the in laws, but it could be something else. No one in their right mind would consider having to be constantly vigilant of the nephew tolerable even for an hour much less a day or more.

What are you afraid will happen if you draw the clearly necessary bounday of no contact between nephew and your kids?

The SIL or MIL will cast you as the bad guy? Then what? These are your own children. If nephew decides one day it would be fun to poke out a four year old's eye or bite off an ear your life will be forever and dramatically changed, as will your child's. No amount of lost college funds or lost inheritance is worth it.

My husband wants our children to have a relationship with their other cousins, who are their only similar-age family on his side. There is, as yet, no dividing the oldest from his siblings.

As stated up thread, your in laws entire family including your own husband is a web of dysfunctional enabling. There is no rule that requires the violent nephew to be inseperable at all times from his siblings. Just that your SIL does this to enable the child, and as a form of emotional blackmail to the rest ofnthe family. Your MIL enables the SIL, the FIL enables all of them, your husband also wants to be part of the enabling, and now, you too.

Meanwhile, because the entire family is engaging in dysfunctional codependency, the nephew is not getting proper medication, therapy, or other appropriate intervention so that everyone else has to be in constant alert to deal with the next act of criminal and violent behavior. Assaulting other people is a crime even if a child does it and even if the child is prosecuted as a juvenile not as an adult.

You first need to decide, for yourself, to be a mentally healthy and functional adult and mother. You have to make it very clear to your husband that you are no longer willing to expose your kids to this nephew even if there are other adults watching because that in itself is dysfunctional and does not address the nephew's issues properly. It is also no guarantee that your children will be safe. You will not permit your children or yourself to be used as pawns any longer.

If your husband wishes a relationship with the nephew and neohew's sibs, he can visit without your children. You will stay home with them.

With a family dynamic as unhealthy as your in laws and husband seems to be, no doubt there are a plethora of other issues, but the safety of your children is an ansolute deal breaker.

Grow a spine OP. If not for yourself, then fir your innocent and vulnerable children.

I’ve rarely seen so much projection about a situation that isn’t backed up by what OP has said in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Last response was from OP. Trying a new tactic I see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last response was from OP. Trying a new tactic I see.

It wasn’t actually. Feel free to confirm with Jeff.

I feel like the good advice from the thread has already been shared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

You need to be the one to supervise! Quit putting this on others. Then you don’t need to bring it up with anyone and you will know your child is safe!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

You need to be the one to supervise! Quit putting this on others. Then you don’t need to bring it up with anyone and you will know your child is safe!

NP-You need to learn to read because OP is quite clear that she doesn't want to put it on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

You need to be the one to supervise! Quit putting this on others. Then you don’t need to bring it up with anyone and you will know your child is safe!

We are always the ones the supervise. We do not allow unsupervised visits with this family or leave our kids with my in-laws, ever.

DH told them we will be staying in a hotel this year. His mother did a 15 minute monologue about how we should stay with them, DH did not engage. At the end of it he said “thanks mom. Since you’ve told me how you feel, don’t feel like you need to repeat it in front of Four Y/O”.

His dad has been trying to reach him since then so I don’t think he feels the subject is closed, but at least expectations are set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

You need to be the one to supervise! Quit putting this on others. Then you don’t need to bring it up with anyone and you will know your child is safe!

We are always the ones the supervise. We do not allow unsupervised visits with this family or leave our kids with my in-laws, ever.

DH told them we will be staying in a hotel this year. His mother did a 15 minute monologue about how we should stay with them, DH did not engage. At the end of it he said “thanks mom. Since you’ve told me how you feel, don’t feel like you need to repeat it in front of Four Y/O”.

His dad has been trying to reach him since then so I don’t think he feels the subject is closed, but at least expectations are set.

I think it's great that your DH spoke up, did so now and not closer to the trip, and was clear! And it's good that he is NOT leaping to pick up his dad's calls or texts right now. Dad and mom do not need instant response. It's smart of him to let them cool down.

It's almost head-shakingly funny that after you've always stayed in a hotel, the one time you make that clear early, you get a long diatribe about how you should stay in the beach house instead. Wow.

Your DH's "thanks, you've told me how you feel" response is perfect. Go, team OP and DH. And now, OP, start planning the trip you, DH and the kids will take in 2024 to somewhere entirely different. "This year we've made plans as a family to travel at that time. Have a good time at the beach. We'll look forward to hearing about it." That's a good way to start resetting the expectation that you'll come to the beach (wherever it is you sleep while there) every year, when they all go. Bonus: You, DH and kids make memories together in a new and different and fun place for once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

You need to be the one to supervise! Quit putting this on others. Then you don’t need to bring it up with anyone and you will know your child is safe!

We are always the ones the supervise. We do not allow unsupervised visits with this family or leave our kids with my in-laws, ever.

DH told them we will be staying in a hotel this year. His mother did a 15 minute monologue about how we should stay with them, DH did not engage. At the end of it he said “thanks mom. Since you’ve told me how you feel, don’t feel like you need to repeat it in front of Four Y/O”.

His dad has been trying to reach him since then so I don’t think he feels the subject is closed, but at least expectations are set.

I think it's great that your DH spoke up, did so now and not closer to the trip, and was clear! And it's good that he is NOT leaping to pick up his dad's calls or texts right now. Dad and mom do not need instant response. It's smart of him to let them cool down.

It's almost head-shakingly funny that after you've always stayed in a hotel, the one time you make that clear early, you get a long diatribe about how you should stay in the beach house instead. Wow.

Your DH's "thanks, you've told me how you feel" response is perfect. Go, team OP and DH. And now, OP, start planning the trip you, DH and the kids will take in 2024 to somewhere entirely different. "This year we've made plans as a family to travel at that time. Have a good time at the beach. We'll look forward to hearing about it." That's a good way to start resetting the expectation that you'll come to the beach (wherever it is you sleep while there) every year, when they all go. Bonus: You, DH and kids make memories together in a new and different and fun place for once.

+1

Love this. In the past, I have actually told DH to blame me for things that had nothing to do with me, because it was/is impossible to get anything resolved peacefully in his family of bullies. Not anymore. Just over it now. Over the selfishness, the history that so badly damaged DH, over the narcissism, over the bullying, DH acts like a different person around his family, and gets sucked into all the aforementioned. Over it. Thankfully, the new people in the family see it for what it is, do things differently, and are not alone, like I was. The beach week and things like it just bring it to the forefront. Even our teen kids' response is "WTH??". DP here.