“Beach House” Early

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the note about your nephew, I wouldn't even bring up the discussion. I would continue to stay elsewhere and visit on your terms.

That said, it isn't a parenting issue. Sounds like a mental health issue that really has no solution and I'd just be thankful to not have to live with that.

I think this is right. Any good suggestions how to ask them to stop doing the “but we got you a room!” act?

Why do you care? It’s the truth, but it’s also ok to decline anyway. Just say no thank you and move on.

I care because my oldest will be four this year. They are now old enough to understand and say “oh but we have a room here with cousins/Granny and Grandpa!” and I do not want to explain to a four year old that their ten year old cousin— whom they naturally idolize— isn’t necessarily a safe person.

You are not a nice person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

OP here: I would never get involved in this. My husband and father in law both think the religious-based “therapy” is quackery and are not at all convinced— though again FIL moreso blames parenting choices. None of it is my business other than keeping my kids from being the next hospitalization.

If you are seriously concerned about “the next hospitalization” why did you not mention this in the OP, instead expressing dissatisfaction that you weren’t involved in the house selection? Seems like you wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of staying with them anyway (which I get) - so why would you want them to go through the hassle of working with you to find a layout when you wouldn’t agree to it anyway?

Go away , don’t stay and let them enjoy your vacation.

What I’m primarily trying to untangle is whether my in laws actually want us to stay in the same house or if they’re politely saying “oh but we have room”. If they’re just saying it to be polite I’d like them to stop because it’s going to lead to my older child feeling disappointed. I also think it’s less stress on my in laws to not worry about the little kids getting hurt.

From my perspective I would do it for a day or two, if it is seriously important to my in laws. More than that is exhausting because my husband and I have to watch every second.

[Anonymous]

This entire family is a bizarre bunch of co dependent enablers. Including OP. The crazy kid was raised by the SIL that way as a projection of her own repressed hostility and rage at the world. If this nephew is so feral that he could go off unpredictably at any time, he needs to be in a controlled environment or heavily medicated or both. The entire family probably lied to the hospital about how the other kids were injured or else CPS would have gotten involved.

Instead of modifying the demon child's behavior, the entire family is modifying their own behavior to accommodate the demon child.

The whole lot of you are committing child negkect or abuse by letting demon child anywhere near any other children even for one second. Thats all it would take for thw ahole child to permanently maim someone.

Your entire family is an ahole OP including yiur husband and you. Your children are in mortal danger even if you and your husband are supervising.


You need to go total no contact with SIL and demon nephew even if that means you get cut out of in laws Wills or other retaliation.

If not you and your husband are as insane as your SIL and in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This entire family is a bizarre bunch of co dependent enablers. Including OP. The crazy kid was raised by the SIL that way as a projection of her own repressed hostility and rage at the world. If this nephew is so feral that he could go off unpredictably at any time, he needs to be in a controlled environment or heavily medicated or both. The entire family probably lied to the hospital about how the other kids were injured or else CPS would have gotten involved.

Instead of modifying the demon child's behavior, the entire family is modifying their own behavior to accommodate the demon child.

The whole lot of you are committing child negkect or abuse by letting demon child anywhere near any other children even for one second. Thats all it would take for thw ahole child to permanently maim someone.

Your entire family is an ahole OP including yiur husband and you. Your children are in mortal danger even if you and your husband are supervising.


You need to go total no contact with SIL and demon nephew even if that means you get cut out of in laws Wills or other retaliation.

If not you and your husband are as insane as your SIL and in laws.

Wow. Unhinged. OP is in no way the a-hole here for wanting to protect her child and not wanting to engage in endless drama. And PP has the arrogance to diagnose OP's SIL as raising a child "as a projection of her own repressed hostility and rage at the world." Based on what, information in...DCUM posts? Not sure how you got burned, PP, but you're projecting something onto OP's situation that's about you more than about her situation.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is a troll. She comes back every few posts contradicting herself post after post. Nephew is totally unhinged and dangerous but she wants family time with him. She doesn’t want to stay at the house but wants to be asked her input in which house to pick. She doesn’t want to be around Nephew or stay at the house but she could and just lock the door. She doesn’t want her kids around nephew but will watch her kids like a hawk so she can somehow keep her kids from flying objects being thrown suddenly by insane nephew. She isn’t willing to put her family in harms way but will if it’ll please the in-laws. Nephew is violent and mentally unstable but won’t sexually abuse her kids because she says so. Like who is still buying this BS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

On the contrary. Exposing your child to a known source of violent injury, even from another child, is itself child abuse or neglect.

OP has not only the right but the parental and legal obligation to properly address the threat. That starts with the obligation to identify and communicate clearly and.directly about it.

Absolutely not and glad OP agrees. OP can choose to supervise her children around their cousin but that is not a reason to talk to the parents of a special needs child about issues OP can’t possibly understand.

OP here— I will have to talk to my *kids* about it eventually but I agree with you there’s no reason to discuss it with my sister in law.

My husband did try to raise it once, and (I think predictably) she was very upset and defensive and insisted nephew “loves” babies and is perfectly safe, which just made my DH mad because she had a child at home with stitches from his brother at the time. There is no reason to discuss it with SIL because it won’t change outcome and I think discussing it with ILs just leads to family gossip which isn’t great either.

Your sister in law is delusional about the very real threat her child poses to other children and therefore is useless as a supervisor for her own child much less other children. Her kid is going to get worse and worse until one day he does something really tragic and the entire family winds up on CNN.

Everyone telling you to sweep it under the rug is someone who does not have responsibility for the safety of your children. You do.

You absolutely need to tell your sister in law that under no circumstances will you permit your children to be endangered by hers. Make it very clear and please have the guts that your husband and his entire family seems to lack.

How many more children have to be hospitalized before that happens? The correct answer is zero.

I really disagree that there’s a need to discuss supervision with my SIL— I don’t let her oldest alone with either of my children for one second. It’s not a discussion. My husband raised it with her once and, as I said, it wasn’t well received.

The question is whether to explicitly tell my in laws this is the reason we need separate accommodations (or a master suite if we share a house). My father in law feels strongly that my nephew is not being parented “correctly” and my mother in law is protective/defensive of both nephew and SIL. I do not want to engage in any of that because at the end of the day it’s not my business. If I raise that issue it’s going to re-open a big family argument about this and my FIL is going to say nephew is keeping him from seeing his sons children and shouldn’t be allowed to go to the beach at all or something similar.

OP here’s the thing - your SIL and MIL know exactly why you will not stay there for a week. They are playing a game to see how much gaslighting will work to wear you down into accepting their farce of pretending that a seriously dangerous child is perfectly normal. You said upthread that he put a sibling in stitches! What’s next? And then, if you won’t be worn down, and you explicitly tell them why you won’t stay, the entire situation becomes about you and your unfairness, rigidity, and the poor child who just needs love and support etc etc.

Either way, their fragile delusions remain in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one on DCUM knows if your in-laws are just being polite or if they actually want you to stay there. If you really want to know the answer to that question, ask them. But I don't really see the point of trying to figure out if they want you there or are just being polite since you don't feel comfortable staying with them anyway. So why does it even matter whether they genuinely want you to stay or not?

Your number 1 priority in life is your kids' safety, right? That is non-negotiable. The beach house w/ the cousin is NOT a safe environment for your kids. It's not safe for 1 night or for longer. It's not safe if you have your own locking door or if you don't (because it sounds like the cousin has done unsafe things like throw heavy objects through glass which could happen at any time of day whether you are present and supervising or not, right?) So stop wringing your hands over whether or not you need to be involved in helping pick out a house that you're not comfortable staying at. Personally, I wouldn't even want to go on this trip at all. Way too much hassle to drive to the beach and visit this volatile, violent, explosive kid and then stay at a hotel. Take a different vacation with your nuclear family or maybe invite your MIL and FIL to go on a trip w/ you sometime. Don't participate in this mess at all.

+1. This OP. Why would you want this on VACATION especially? It doesn’t matters what you ILs want. Do what’s best for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is a troll. She comes back every few posts contradicting herself post after post. Nephew is totally unhinged and dangerous but she wants family time with him. She doesn’t want to stay at the house but wants to be asked her input in which house to pick. She doesn’t want to be around Nephew or stay at the house but she could and just lock the door. She doesn’t want her kids around nephew but will watch her kids like a hawk so she can somehow keep her kids from flying objects being thrown suddenly by insane nephew. She isn’t willing to put her family in harms way but will if it’ll please the in-laws. Nephew is violent and mentally unstable but won’t sexually abuse her kids because she says so. Like who is still buying this BS?

I agree. The entire tone of this thread has turned dramatically from a simply roommate/how to ask the in laws situation, to suddenly a violent nephew that she somehow still wants to stay in a house with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

On the contrary. Exposing your child to a known source of violent injury, even from another child, is itself child abuse or neglect.

OP has not only the right but the parental and legal obligation to properly address the threat. That starts with the obligation to identify and communicate clearly and.directly about it.

Absolutely not and glad OP agrees. OP can choose to supervise her children around their cousin but that is not a reason to talk to the parents of a special needs child about issues OP can’t possibly understand.

OP here— I will have to talk to my *kids* about it eventually but I agree with you there’s no reason to discuss it with my sister in law.

My husband did try to raise it once, and (I think predictably) she was very upset and defensive and insisted nephew “loves” babies and is perfectly safe, which just made my DH mad because she had a child at home with stitches from his brother at the time. There is no reason to discuss it with SIL because it won’t change outcome and I think discussing it with ILs just leads to family gossip which isn’t great either.

Your sister in law is delusional about the very real threat her child poses to other children and therefore is useless as a supervisor for her own child much less other children. Her kid is going to get worse and worse until one day he does something really tragic and the entire family winds up on CNN.

Everyone telling you to sweep it under the rug is someone who does not have responsibility for the safety of your children. You do.

You absolutely need to tell your sister in law that under no circumstances will you permit your children to be endangered by hers. Make it very clear and please have the guts that your husband and his entire family seems to lack.

How many more children have to be hospitalized before that happens? The correct answer is zero.

I really disagree that there’s a need to discuss supervision with my SIL— I don’t let her oldest alone with either of my children for one second. It’s not a discussion. My husband raised it with her once and, as I said, it wasn’t well received.

The question is whether to explicitly tell my in laws this is the reason we need separate accommodations (or a master suite if we share a house). My father in law feels strongly that my nephew is not being parented “correctly” and my mother in law is protective/defensive of both nephew and SIL. I do not want to engage in any of that because at the end of the day it’s not my business. If I raise that issue it’s going to re-open a big family argument about this and my FIL is going to say nephew is keeping him from seeing his sons children and shouldn’t be allowed to go to the beach at all or something similar.

OP here’s the thing - your SIL and MIL know exactly why you will not stay there for a week. They are playing a game to see how much gaslighting will work to wear you down into accepting their farce of pretending that a seriously dangerous child is perfectly normal. You said upthread that he put a sibling in stitches! What’s next? And then, if you won’t be worn down, and you explicitly tell them why you won’t stay, the entire situation becomes about you and your unfairness, rigidity, and the poor child who just needs love and support etc etc.

Either way, their fragile delusions remain in place.

Ultimately I think this is true. And— like on the thread— I don’t think a discussion of our nephew is beneficial because it just derails the real issue, which is that they’re not planning to seriously take our needs into consideration for the trip.

I think I’ll suggest my husband tell them later this month that we’re planning to stay in the hotel overnight this year, and to please not mention staying with them in front of the older child. We will need to fully revisit this trip next year because two highly-mobile children is probably beyond what we can manage safely.

[Anonymous]

OK at this point it's pretty obvious that you are tip toeing around the nephew issue because you are deliberately leaving out any information about whatever express or implied quid pro quo if you do not agree to expose your own children to the nephew. The most likely is that you are afraid of some financial repercussion from the in laws, but it could be something else. No one in their right mind would consider having to be constantly vigilant of the nephew tolerable even for an hour much less a day or more.

What are you afraid will happen if you draw the clearly necessary bounday of no contact between nephew and your kids?

The SIL or MIL will cast you as the bad guy? Then what? These are your own children. If nephew decides one day it would be fun to poke out a four year old's eye or bite off an ear your life will be forever and dramatically changed, as will your child's. No amount of lost college funds or lost inheritance is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK at this point it's pretty obvious that you are tip toeing around the nephew issue because you are deliberately leaving out any information about whatever express or implied quid pro quo if you do not agree to expose your own children to the nephew. The most likely is that you are afraid of some financial repercussion from the in laws, but it could be something else. No one in their right mind would consider having to be constantly vigilant of the nephew tolerable even for an hour much less a day or more.

What are you afraid will happen if you draw the clearly necessary bounday of no contact between nephew and your kids?

The SIL or MIL will cast you as the bad guy? Then what? These are your own children. If nephew decides one day it would be fun to poke out a four year old's eye or bite off an ear your life will be forever and dramatically changed, as will your child's. No amount of lost college funds or lost inheritance is worth it.

My husband wants our children to have a relationship with their other cousins, who are their only similar-age family on his side. There is, as yet, no dividing the oldest from his siblings.

[Anonymous]

and here she is.....

[Anonymous]

I think they're saying that stuff because they feel socially awkward about hosting one set of kids in-house and another doesn't get to. But of course that only scratches the surface of this very problematic situation! Just nod and say "It's fine, Larleen" and make it very boring for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK at this point it's pretty obvious that you are tip toeing around the nephew issue because you are deliberately leaving out any information about whatever express or implied quid pro quo if you do not agree to expose your own children to the nephew. The most likely is that you are afraid of some financial repercussion from the in laws, but it could be something else. No one in their right mind would consider having to be constantly vigilant of the nephew tolerable even for an hour much less a day or more.

What are you afraid will happen if you draw the clearly necessary bounday of no contact between nephew and your kids?

The SIL or MIL will cast you as the bad guy? Then what? These are your own children. If nephew decides one day it would be fun to poke out a four year old's eye or bite off an ear your life will be forever and dramatically changed, as will your child's. No amount of lost college funds or lost inheritance is worth it.

My husband wants our children to have a relationship with their other cousins, who are their only similar-age family on his side. There is, as yet, no dividing the oldest from his siblings.

OK so…get on the stick and proactively email them links to places that work for you! What a revelation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

So then the cousins violent behavior isnt really an issue if you would "stay anyway". You are confusing.

+100. Exactly this. Pick a lane, OP.

Agree

I can’t tell if the “confused” posts are in good faith, but just in case:

We would spend 1-2 days at the beach house staying with the in-laws if our accommodations were such that we could lock a door at night between our kids and oldest cousin— so no wandering out to the bathroom at 2 a.m. The rest of the time we watch the kids like hawks and the only time we don’t is when we’re asleep.

They are not going to pick a house and give you the nicest space for you to spend a day or two. This is why they do not consult you. Just be claer that you prefer staying in a hotel and allow them to pay for a smaller house.