“Beach House” Early

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be careful what you wish for …….. Once you start staying with them, there is no out! Let them plan and then get your hotel room nearby maybe for two nights. Spend all day and meals with them and then return to your peaceful hotel and relax. It is a win win situation. Leave it as is.

Do this. Times 1,000. I would go a bit further though and DH would tell them clearly, now, in advance, "We're looking forward to the beach. We'll be at Hotel X as usual, wanted to be sure we were clear on that.

No way would we stay in the house either, OP. Just so much more relaxing to have your own space, sense of more safety, and to not have to be "on" every second, worried about the cousin. worried about family drama if you mention the concerns, etc. I would nip the whole "But we made sure we got a house with room for you" stuff by saying this year in advance, "We'll be there at Hotel as usual."

+1

My ILs would watch their kids for each other, but not DH and mine. Which was not so bad, if that behavior did not carry over into other parts of the "vacation". Do what you want, this is not up for discussion, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the note about your nephew, I wouldn't even bring up the discussion. I would continue to stay elsewhere and visit on your terms.

That said, it isn't a parenting issue. Sounds like a mental health issue that really has no solution and I'd just be thankful to not have to live with that.

I think this is right. Any good suggestions how to ask them to stop doing the “but we got you a room!” act?

Why do you care? It’s the truth, but it’s also ok to decline anyway. Just say no thank you and move on.

I care because my oldest will be four this year. They are now old enough to understand and say “oh but we have a room here with cousins/Granny and Grandpa!” and I do not want to explain to a four year old that their ten year old cousin— whom they naturally idolize— isn’t necessarily a safe person.

But you have to. Your prime obligation as a parent is to protect your child from known threats of serious physical injury. You teach your child not to play with sharp knives or a hot stove. Not to play in traffic. This is no different. The cousin is a menace and the whole purpose of this enforced family vacation is to pretend that he isn't.

x10000000

THIS. Keep the hotel, OP. Tell your kid that this is what works for our family, and when you are comfortable, tell your kids about the cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

Then, again some more--and how interesting that you haven't addressed this point--why don't you get on the stick and *proactively* send them links to places that would work for you, dates that would work for you, and an offer to pay your share if the houses that work for you are out their budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

Then, again some more--and how interesting that you haven't addressed this point--why don't you get on the stick and *proactively* send them links to places that would work for you, dates that would work for you, and an offer to pay your share if the houses that work for you are out their budget.

You are really very hostile.

The reason I don’t proactively do so is that it’s entirely possible they are happy with how things are now, and don’t actually want my family to stay with them, and that they are being polite, which was the very question I put in my OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

Then, again some more--and how interesting that you haven't addressed this point--why don't you get on the stick and *proactively* send them links to places that would work for you, dates that would work for you, and an offer to pay your share if the houses that work for you are out their budget.

Matters to whom? OP and her kids should not be staying with that family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The posts not supporting OP either have problematic children, or they are just trying to stir the pot. Ignore, OP. Don't bring it up in discussion - these people will never admit their issues.

why spend ANY time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

So then the cousins violent behavior isnt really an issue if you would "stay anyway". You are confusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posts not supporting OP either have problematic children, or they are just trying to stir the pot. Ignore, OP. Don't bring it up in discussion - these people will never admit their issues.

why spend ANY time with them.

I think some of us who are subjected to this situation, do it to try to please people who will never be happy, including abusive/neglectful/selfish/hurtful parents in law. OR maybe to prove that DH is not alone, and he did not deserve that treatment from them. A few days is more than enough, OP. Any "vacation" is for appearances - MIL can brag that you were OR were not there LOL.

I know people in this situation, and the ILs purposely post photos that do not include the black sheep, even though the black sheep made enormous sacrifices for the IL family over the decades, and also made sacrifices to take the vacation time to keep up appearances. They are just not good people. Period.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can tell your child that it's to have more space, or your own bathroom, or to not make the house too crowded, or because the hotel has an amazing breakfast buffet or whatever. As they grow older they will catch on to their cousin's issues. We have a relative like that and my kids clued in at about age 6, they hated spending time with their cousin and it got harder and harder to convince them to do it at all. That alone may put an end to this "tradition".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The posts not supporting OP either have problematic children, or they are just trying to stir the pot. Ignore, OP. Don't bring it up in discussion - these people will never admit their issues.

OP is being confusing. She doesn't want to stay at the house because of violent nephew, but will stay at the house with violent nephew if Inlaws really want her too, but she doesn't want to stay AND they aren't asking for input on the house she doesn't want to stay at. OP needs to decide if she can/wants to manage her own children around nephew or not. If she does, then stay and ask to provide input on the house; if not, stay elsewhere. But if OP is only staying for 1-2 nights, OP shouldn't get to provide input on the house where people are staying for a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can tell your child that it's to have more space, or your own bathroom, or to not make the house too crowded, or because the hotel has an amazing breakfast buffet or whatever. As they grow older they will catch on to their cousin's issues. We have a relative like that and my kids clued in at about age 6, they hated spending time with their cousin and it got harder and harder to convince them to do it at all. That alone may put an end to this "tradition".

+1

And their grandparents issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

Then, again some more--and how interesting that you haven't addressed this point--why don't you get on the stick and *proactively* send them links to places that would work for you, dates that would work for you, and an offer to pay your share if the houses that work for you are out their budget.

You are really very hostile.

The reason I don’t proactively do so is that it’s entirely possible they are happy with how things are now, and don’t actually want my family to stay with them, and that they are being polite, which was the very question I put in my OP.

For goodness' sake, what does it matter if they are being polite or if they don't actually want you there, if YOU are most comfortable staying in a hotel, and feel safer there? You cannot control their feelings or reactions, you can only do what works best for you and your family. You say on the one hand "we would stay with them if the rooms were suitable," and when I dare to suggest that you find a place with rooms suitable for you, you overreact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

So then the cousins violent behavior isnt really an issue if you would "stay anyway". You are confusing.

+100. Exactly this. Pick a lane, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

Op, you’re really just trying to stir the pit and you sound like a pain in the butt. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. They don’t want you there

NP-STFU, troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posts not supporting OP either have problematic children, or they are just trying to stir the pot. Ignore, OP. Don't bring it up in discussion - these people will never admit their issues.

OP is being confusing. She doesn't want to stay at the house because of violent nephew, but will stay at the house with violent nephew if Inlaws really want her too, but she doesn't want to stay AND they aren't asking for input on the house she doesn't want to stay at. OP needs to decide if she can/wants to manage her own children around nephew or not. If she does, then stay and ask to provide input on the house; if not, stay elsewhere. But if OP is only staying for 1-2 nights, OP shouldn't get to provide input on the house where people are staying for a week.

I'm not confused at all.