How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

Oh ffs. Your DH is not autistic.

He was diagnosed by two different doctors, and I am not listing all of his attributes for you to inaccurately scrutinize.

You are 100% lying or have a really distorted view of reality. It is impossible to be autistic and be “the most charming person in the room” etc. And autism is not caused by a dysfunctional family.

Love your maladaptive insta-defensive belligerence and personal attacks.

Sounds familiar….

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

Thx for your personal opinion.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read the other responses. And, my husband has never been diagnosed but he likely has ADHD and as one therapist told me: he’s very low EQ.

We’ve been married 25 years and some of them have been VERY hard but others have been wonderful. He has some very good traits/skills: very smart and high income, fantastic cook, great in bed, appreciates my sense of humor. I think deep down he wants to connect but his family is…well, they treat other people like pieces on a chess board. So, he never saw emotional intelligence modeled.

Here’s where it gets cool:

Our kids (early 20s) are VERY high EQ. People adore them, our kids invest a lot of themselves in relationships etc and he really admires that. As a result, I’ve seen him try harder in the last 10 years to connect with us, with others etc.

Anyway, to answer your question:

I lean into the good stuff
I tell him what I need—literally, daily
I don’t take his behavior personally and I NEVER apologize for his behavior or assume it’s a reflection of me in any way (I did this early on)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

obviously many people can't make it in relationships, but I'm not sure if you are aware how adult men with this disability get to overwhelm and start to shut down particularly in middle age. I think a post was already made on how they are more prone to mid-life crisis. Their hyperfocus makes it more difficult to concentrate on many things and as they age it can get worse and worse just like many people but they are more prone to it is all. There are just certain things to look out for to make it easier to manage. Beyond just direct speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

I don’t think that being dedicated and attentive are “bad” features. The problem, in a marriage, is that DH moved on to other interests, and while he remains dedicated and attentive, he is no longer applying that attentiveness to me or our children.

My DS with level 1 autism is 15, and he isn’t sure that he ever wants to get married or have a family. I’m not sure that it’s the best path for him either. Marriage and parenthood are really hard, and I’m not sure he can be flexible enough to deal with all of the ups and downs. I think it’s going to be hard enough for him to maintain regular employment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

My DH was great when we dated. Exciting, game for anything, great income, sex and high earner. We had so much fun together. He masked bigtime. I won’t go into the details here but he clearly was assuming a certain “type”. But, on my end, looking back, he reminded me of my Dad and that seemed “safe”. The irony is that my Dad is bonkers in many ways. Bottom line: sure, I missed some red flags. But, he also masked A TON

[Anonymous]

Mark Hutton on youtube has a lot of information on neurodiverse couples specifically level 1 autism and how to understand and treat each other in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.

Adults are different than children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.

This is my experience with adults with ASD too.

[Anonymous]

We used Grace Myhill for coaching. It didn't work for us, but every NT/ASD couple is different and ASD presents itself differently in everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

obviously many people can't make it in relationships, but I'm not sure if you are aware how adult men with this disability get to overwhelm and start to shut down particularly in middle age. I think a post was already made on how they are more prone to mid-life crisis. Their hyperfocus makes it more difficult to concentrate on many things and as they age it can get worse and worse just like many people but they are more prone to it is all. There are just certain things to look out for to make it easier to manage. Beyond just direct speaking.

More and more rigid as they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.

The higher IQ can, and do. Especially if they do drama club or copy behaviors from watching a lot of TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.

+1. I have a very high IQ kid with ASD and there is no chance he could even for ten minutes fool anyone into thinking he is NT. And while as his mom I think he has charms, I don't think 'charming' is the word people would reach for to describe him. Nor any of the other kids we know with this dx. What the posters are describing seems 100% different, like they have coopted the term to describe bad husbands.

[Anonymous]

Don’t most people with good people skills still give others the benefit of the doubt for awhile. Their bad joke, their missed deadline, their need for quiet time, their chronic misunderstandings. I mean, you’d have to really live with them to see how prevalent and persistent the issues are.

Back in the day, they’d be called Absent Minded Professor, but that’s only if they’re in the family and someone notices the PATTERN of it.

I manage people at work that can’t seem to take notes or be able to find their phone. If they’re at home doing that with their kids schedules, appointments, keys, wallet, vacation planning, it’d be depressing. But going on dates a couple times a week or tagging along on a vacation someone else planned, I could see them being goofy and clueless, but pulling it off ok. But the ramp up to leaving and upon return they may be stimming big time.