How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't normally reccomend this but in your situation, Laura Doyle could really help.

Get a coach and join the community. Scores of women married to men on the spectrum there. It could be like a whole new marriage in a matter of months.

Agreed. This approach works well with men like this. Little responsibility and a lot of praise.

The benefit of this approach is that while you don't get the help you need because it will never happen (he can't focus on this many people), you might get a better connection between your children and their dad and you with him.

I’d rather bang my head against a wall.

+1 I pretty much live like this, and I need to find a way to get out. I don't know if my husband would qualify for this diagnosis, or if he's just an immature jerk (so many similarities to people describing their partners here but I just don't know) , but I wanted a PARTNER in life. Not a perpetual child that pouts when they aren't massaged enough. I just lost all feelings and don't want it anymore.

“immature jerk who pouts when they don’t get their own way” is being an immature jerk. Not autism. My dad (likely undx’d autism) is extremely responsible when it comes to house & kids, and basically does whatever my stepmother tells him to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

Oh ffs. Your DH is not autistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband, but I am so lonely in our marriage.
Recently, we found out that he has ASD, which explains pretty much everything that's been wrong with our 25-year marriage.
I want to stay married, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this man who is unable to connect emotionally with me.
He's somewhat controlling, and he does gaslight me if I don't call him on it. But he doesn't have rages, and he accepts that he has ASD-1/HFA/Aspergers, whatever you want to call it. He's fairly successful at his job, but he is a workaholic. Work is his only interest. He has no hobbies and almost no friends. He gloms onto my friends.
I feel so lonely and neglected, like a piece of furniture that he sits on when it's convenient for him.
My question: Does anyone have a happy, fulfilling marriage to an ASD/HFA/Aspergers husband?
If so, how? How do you make your marriage work?

I think you need to take the ASD diagnosis out of this. This is btwn you and your DH and the range of behavioral strengths, weaknesses and needs you both bring to the table. On paper your marriage is like my parents (my dad has Aspergers). He is a physicist who even at the age of 76 is entirely devoted to his work and has no real social needs outside of my mom and visits from his adult kids and grandkids. There is nothing wrong with that. My mom does her own thing and has a very active volunteer/social life. They are perfectly happy.

Now you're not my mom and it may not be enough for you, but there are plenty of neurotypical people, especially women, who find they have to forge ahead with their own social lives and interests as the marriage evolves over time and the grow apart.

Its also important to remember that at one point your DH was able to offer enough emotional connection for you. I'm sure this has changed over time. Maybe he "masked" as some posters have suggested-- although they make it sound like some great con game that was pulled rather than a subconscious adaptation. He's not an automaton and you gave him reasons for marrying you too even though your needs and bandwidth to accommodate him have likely changed as well. I have a couple of friends married to guys like this and both came from families that were highly emotionally reactive (lots of yelling, high passions, etc) so the relatively dispassionate relationships with their DHs initially came as a relief but over time they now need more, which is understandable.

My point is that there are two people involved here. Assuming he's happy with the marriage, then you need to decide whether the benefits of staying with him outweigh the cons--not inspite of who he is, but inspite of who you are. If you need to leave that's fine but don't make you DH's diagnosis the scapegoat. Be honest with who you are and what you need and own the decision.

NP. This is a wonderful reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

Many of the women claiming their spouses had “Masked ASD” are just wrong. There are some who legitimately just did not know what autism looked like and thought their partners were maybe just quirky or socially awkward. But on DCUM and elsewhere online, it is trendy to attribute all sorts of poor behavior (rages, gaslighting, laziness, disengagement) to autism. Which obviously is extremely problematic and prejudicial towards actually autistic people. It’s like these women think that calling their spouses autistic shows how horrible they are. Autistic = awful to them.

I say this as a person whose dad is likely on the spectrum and whose spouse is a bona fide jerk. For my dad, everyone is like, “Yeah that makes sense - explains the way he has always been in his own world.” For my spouse, it sure might be nice to attribute his jerkiness to a disorder, but I’m afraid he is just a jerk.

I had no idea about autism at all. Or adhd. If you are in your 50s now you had no idea unless someone else told you about it. It was not a diagnosis in school that you learned about. I learned that if a man had a job and an apartment at age 25 and had some goals that they would probably be able to have a family as well and love a spouse. Well I learned wrong. Now we know a little more than before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

Many of the women claiming their spouses had “Masked ASD” are just wrong. There are some who legitimately just did not know what autism looked like and thought their partners were maybe just quirky or socially awkward. But on DCUM and elsewhere online, it is trendy to attribute all sorts of poor behavior (rages, gaslighting, laziness, disengagement) to autism. Which obviously is extremely problematic and prejudicial towards actually autistic people. It’s like these women think that calling their spouses autistic shows how horrible they are. Autistic = awful to them.

I say this as a person whose dad is likely on the spectrum and whose spouse is a bona fide jerk. For my dad, everyone is like, “Yeah that makes sense - explains the way he has always been in his own world.” For my spouse, it sure might be nice to attribute his jerkiness to a disorder, but I’m afraid he is just a jerk.

I had no idea about autism at all. Or adhd. If you are in your 50s now you had no idea unless someone else told you about it. It was not a diagnosis in school that you learned about. I learned that if a man had a job and an apartment at age 25 and had some goals that they would probably be able to have a family as well and love a spouse. Well I learned wrong. Now we know a little more than before.

If your spouse is actually autistic you would have noticed that he related to the world differently even if there was no label. (Side note - many people with autism diagnoses now never would have gotten them 25 yrs ago anyway.) But if your story is that your DH became a raging jerk after 25 years of marriage, that is not autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

Many of the women claiming their spouses had “Masked ASD” are just wrong. There are some who legitimately just did not know what autism looked like and thought their partners were maybe just quirky or socially awkward. But on DCUM and elsewhere online, it is trendy to attribute all sorts of poor behavior (rages, gaslighting, laziness, disengagement) to autism. Which obviously is extremely problematic and prejudicial towards actually autistic people. It’s like these women think that calling their spouses autistic shows how horrible they are. Autistic = awful to them.

I say this as a person whose dad is likely on the spectrum and whose spouse is a bona fide jerk. For my dad, everyone is like, “Yeah that makes sense - explains the way he has always been in his own world.” For my spouse, it sure might be nice to attribute his jerkiness to a disorder, but I’m afraid he is just a jerk.

I had no idea about autism at all. Or adhd. If you are in your 50s now you had no idea unless someone else told you about it. It was not a diagnosis in school that you learned about. I learned that if a man had a job and an apartment at age 25 and had some goals that they would probably be able to have a family as well and love a spouse. Well I learned wrong. Now we know a little more than before.

If your spouse is actually autistic you would have noticed that he related to the world differently even if there was no label. (Side note - many people with autism diagnoses now never would have gotten them 25 yrs ago anyway.) But if your story is that your DH became a raging jerk after 25 years of marriage, that is not autism.

Also many people with autism have jobs, houses, and love their spouses. Really need to stop with this prejudicial bullsh*T.

[Anonymous]

I have found Dr. Kathy Marshack stuff helpful, here is a link to an upcoming free event

From Denial to Resilience
Hosted By Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD
https://www.meetup.com/asperger-syndrome-partners-family-of-adults-with-asd/events/288441917/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have found Dr. Kathy Marshack stuff helpful, here is a link to an upcoming free event

From Denial to Resilience
Hosted By Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD
https://www.meetup.com/asperger-syndrome-partners-family-of-adults-with-asd/events/288441917/

utter trash. she’s just trying to make money off of characterising people with autism as causing “chaos” and “heartbreak.” I don’t put great stock in labels but using a term no longer used by the actual professional community (Aspergers) is a big tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband, but I am so lonely in our marriage.
Recently, we found out that he has ASD, which explains pretty much everything that's been wrong with our 25-year marriage.
I want to stay married, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this man who is unable to connect emotionally with me.
He's somewhat controlling, and he does gaslight me if I don't call him on it. But he doesn't have rages, and he accepts that he has ASD-1/HFA/Aspergers, whatever you want to call it. He's fairly successful at his job, but he is a workaholic. Work is his only interest. He has no hobbies and almost no friends. He gloms onto my friends.
I feel so lonely and neglected, like a piece of furniture that he sits on when it's convenient for him.
My question: Does anyone have a happy, fulfilling marriage to an ASD/HFA/Aspergers husband?
If so, how? How do you make your marriage work?

I think you need to take the ASD diagnosis out of this. This is btwn you and your DH and the range of behavioral strengths, weaknesses and needs you both bring to the table. On paper your marriage is like my parents (my dad has Aspergers). He is a physicist who even at the age of 76 is entirely devoted to his work and has no real social needs outside of my mom and visits from his adult kids and grandkids. There is nothing wrong with that. My mom does her own thing and has a very active volunteer/social life. They are perfectly happy.

Now you're not my mom and it may not be enough for you, but there are plenty of neurotypical people, especially women, who find they have to forge ahead with their own social lives and interests as the marriage evolves over time and the grow apart.

Its also important to remember that at one point your DH was able to offer enough emotional connection for you. I'm sure this has changed over time. Maybe he "masked" as some posters have suggested-- although they make it sound like some great con game that was pulled rather than a subconscious adaptation. He's not an automaton and you gave him reasons for marrying you too even though your needs and bandwidth to accommodate him have likely changed as well. I have a couple of friends married to guys like this and both came from families that were highly emotionally reactive (lots of yelling, high passions, etc) so the relatively dispassionate relationships with their DHs initially came as a relief but over time they now need more, which is understandable.

My point is that there are two people involved here. Assuming he's happy with the marriage, then you need to decide whether the benefits of staying with him outweigh the cons--not inspite of who he is, but inspite of who you are. If you need to leave that's fine but don't make you DH's diagnosis the scapegoat. Be honest with who you are and what you need and own the decision.

+1

Also, the diagnosis doesn't mean he doesn't care! But he may need help expressing it in a way that is meaningful to you. Please see a therapist who understands neurodiversity.

[Anonymous]

Actions over words.

That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

Oh ffs. Your DH is not autistic.

He was diagnosed by two different doctors, and I am not listing all of his attributes for you to inaccurately scrutinize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

Oh ffs. Your DH is not autistic.

He was diagnosed by two different doctors, and I am not listing all of his attributes for you to inaccurately scrutinize.

You are 100% lying or have a really distorted view of reality. It is impossible to be autistic and be “the most charming person in the room” etc. And autism is not caused by a dysfunctional family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.