DH won't use any inheritance for a house

[Anonymous]

He’s right. You have a spending issue. You will spend every dime. What happens when all the inheritance runs out

[Anonymous]

Buy a house you can afford without the inheritance.

Then, work on DH to get his mother to protect her assets. If BIL is going to lose $1M in assets that's insane to not protect NOW. She could create a trust for BIL that would protect him from financial ruin. Why would she not want to do that?

You have 2 different issues you are conflating in a panic. #1: finding a house to live in. #2: long term care of your BIL.

[Anonymous]

OP--your BIL is mentally ill with two conditions that could require him to go into assisted living for an extended period of time. Do you realize how much assisted living costs these days? It is not unusually for it to cost $50K-$100K ANNUALLY.

If you want your DH to release his family inheritance to help towards a house, are you willing to let your comingled marital assets be available for possibly over seven figures of assisted mental health housing/living costs if your MIL dies and your BIL needs to be institutionalized?

I think you need to do a lot more reading up on assisted living and medicaid eligibility to find out if you husband comingles his inheritance, but uses your family money to help care for his brother, will your family income affect brother's eligibility for medicaid.

I think DH is doing the right thing. Using only inherited money to be reserved for BIL's care. Then, if BIL does end up needing advanced assisted living care, once the inherited funds both in his name and your DH's name are done, then he will qualify for medicaid to cover costs. But if you start using comingled money to support your BIL, then he will not qualify for Medicaid because your family funds will count against him since they were used for his care. I think it keeps the money from his family of origin separate and distinct and keeps your family separate from his brother's care and financial liability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--your BIL is mentally ill with two conditions that could require him to go into assisted living for an extended period of time. Do you realize how much assisted living costs these days? It is not unusually for it to cost $50K-$100K ANNUALLY.

If you want your DH to release his family inheritance to help towards a house, are you willing to let your comingled marital assets be available for possibly over seven figures of assisted mental health housing/living costs if your MIL dies and your BIL needs to be institutionalized?

I think you need to do a lot more reading up on assisted living and medicaid eligibility to find out if you husband comingles his inheritance, but uses your family money to help care for his brother, will your family income affect brother's eligibility for medicaid.

I think DH is doing the right thing. Using only inherited money to be reserved for BIL's care. Then, if BIL does end up needing advanced assisted living care, once the inherited funds both in his name and your DH's name are done, then he will qualify for medicaid to cover costs. But if you start using comingled money to support your BIL, then he will not qualify for Medicaid because your family funds will count against him since they were used for his care. I think it keeps the money from his family of origin separate and distinct and keeps your family separate from his brother's care and financial liability.

the brother will qualify for medicaid once his own funds are gone. the brother is under no obligation to spend his inheritance on this, and I don't think he should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy a house you can afford without the inheritance.

Then, work on DH to get his mother to protect her assets. If BIL is going to lose $1M in assets that's insane to not protect NOW. She could create a trust for BIL that would protect him from financial ruin. Why would she not want to do that?

You have 2 different issues you are conflating in a panic. #1: finding a house to live in. #2: long term care of your BIL.

+1.

his mother is scared, but she will feel so much better once the trust is in place, and so will the husband. He should help her walk through this process now.

[Anonymous]

all this so say -- OP, dont spend your husbands inheritance on a house. you have plenty. you may end up with money in 20 years and that is a gift. Your kids need to go to college, etc, and you'll be able to enjoy the rest of your lives. please give up the dream of using your husbands money right now, and release him from that stress. he has enough on his plate!

[Anonymous]

The problem seems to be that and your DH have different priorities. He is family-oriented while you are financially oriented.

You are also pretty ignorant about serious mental health conditions and money. Your DH is right to be concerned that his brother will be preyed upon or will otherwise be penniless shortly after receiving any inheritance.

Finally, are you both in agreement about how much house to buy and how to finance it, or do you want a nicer house than he feels the need for, and you want him to fund the more expensive house with his inheritance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem seems to be that and your DH have different priorities. He is family-oriented while you are financially oriented.

You are also pretty ignorant about serious mental health conditions and money. Your DH is right to be concerned that his brother will be preyed upon or will otherwise be penniless shortly after receiving any inheritance.

Finally, are you both in agreement about how much house to buy and how to finance it, or do you want a nicer house than he feels the need for, and you want him to fund the more expensive house with his inheritance?

You can also say the opposite. DH is financially oriented for wanting to stockpile his money for his brother and not share it like OP, while OP wants to use the money to better life for her own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem seems to be that and your DH have different priorities. He is family-oriented while you are financially oriented.

You are also pretty ignorant about serious mental health conditions and money. Your DH is right to be concerned that his brother will be preyed upon or will otherwise be penniless shortly after receiving any inheritance.

Finally, are you both in agreement about how much house to buy and how to finance it, or do you want a nicer house than he feels the need for, and you want him to fund the more expensive house with his inheritance?

You can also say the opposite. DH is financially oriented for wanting to stockpile his money for his brother and not share it like OP, while OP wants to use the money to better life for her own family.

You could, but you would be wrong. OP’s DH is setting aside money to make sure his disabled brother does not end up on the streets after their mother dies. OP wants to buy a fancier house.

[Anonymous]

Goodness. OP is leaving out some key details.

Assume the disabled brother has $2.0mm in assets when it’s all said and done. Those assets are in a protected, special needs trust. At most you’d probably want to draw around $60,000/year from the trust. Even combined with Medicaid, $60k will provide a marginal dignity of life for disabled brother. Any real care meeting a minimum standard of quality acceptable to the DCUM crowd would require more. The husband here probably understands the math that he’ll need around $3.0mm in assets in a special needs trust + Medicaid to have a shot at decent care for the brother.

OP is being coy and saying “spend more for a nicer house” to enjoy. She admits to being “pissed off” that her husband is setting this money aside to provide care for his own brother.

Reading between the lines, she is pissed off that her husband is setting aside resources to take care of his DISABLED brother instead of buying a fancier/bigger/better located home. And, she can’t stand the “gold digger” married to her own brother (I guess asset preservation for the broader family is okay when it’s her own blood).

The comparison to her taking inherited/gifted family money for jewelry and spa trips reveals just how awful the thought process is. Her husband isn’t buying golf clubs or sports car with this money. He’s setting it aside to care for a disabled family member which she compares to spending on consumer items. Husband’s purported use of the money is ostensibly for noble purposes, but OP equates it to empty consumerism.

[Anonymous]

It seems kind of… unseemly… to speculate on how much of an inheritance you will receive from your parents and in-laws.

[Anonymous]

^ Also, now that your kids are getting older, it’s time for you to go back to work. Too much time sitting at home obsessing about things you are not involved in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem seems to be that and your DH have different priorities. He is family-oriented while you are financially oriented.

You are also pretty ignorant about serious mental health conditions and money. Your DH is right to be concerned that his brother will be preyed upon or will otherwise be penniless shortly after receiving any inheritance.

Finally, are you both in agreement about how much house to buy and how to finance it, or do you want a nicer house than he feels the need for, and you want him to fund the more expensive house with his inheritance?

You can also say the opposite. DH is financially oriented for wanting to stockpile his money for his brother and not share it like OP, while OP wants to use the money to better life for her own family.

This was my read as well. OP said in her opener,

Over the course of our marriage I have received substantial financial support from my parents that have greatly benefited our family (help with a down payment on our current house, funding kids' private school and 529s, as well as cash gifts that I have used for house upgrades and family vacations).

I think the course correction here is for OP to stop comingling her own inheritance, especially since her DH won't dip into his. Save it in a separate, rainy day fund for herself. That alone should help relieve some of the resentment she feels, which I think I would also feel under the circumstances she has described.

[Anonymous]

You stand to inherit a "sizeable sum."

PLUS, you already got:

- Home down payment paid by parents;

- Kids' private school paid by parents;

- 529s for kids college paid by parents;

- Home renovations paid by parents;

- Vacations paid by parents;

- More cash from parents.

And you're seriously complaining??? You are privileged and spoiled as F. Check your privilege lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stand to inherit a "sizeable sum."

PLUS, you already got:

- Home down payment paid by parents;

- Kids' private school paid by parents;

- 529s for kids college paid by parents;

- Home renovations paid by parents;

- Vacations paid by parents;

- More cash from parents.

And you're seriously complaining??? You are privileged and spoiled as F. Check your privilege lady.

This!!