DH won't use any inheritance for a house

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

The issue is bigger than this. OP wants to feel her dh has financial skin in the game to the extent she does.

Which they can do using their money from their jobs and equity from their house. If OP doesn’t want to use her annual gift of 34k that is 100% her prerogative, but her husband is not obligated to use the inheritance to buy a bigger/nicer house than they can afford themselves.

What irks me the most about OP is her utter lack of gratitude for being in such a privileged financial situation to begin with.

Eh. It is what it is. No need to display humility here to appease posters who are offended by generational wealth.

OP wants a certain lifestyle for her family and that is OK.

I’m fortunate also to be poised to inherit a significant sum, but I recognize that this is a privilege. OP does not seem similarly grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

The issue is bigger than this. OP wants to feel her dh has financial skin in the game to the extent she does.

Which they can do using their money from their jobs and equity from their house. If OP doesn’t want to use her annual gift of 34k that is 100% her prerogative, but her husband is not obligated to use the inheritance to buy a bigger/nicer house than they can afford themselves.

What irks me the most about OP is her utter lack of gratitude for being in such a privileged financial situation to begin with.

Eh. It is what it is. No need to display humility here to appease posters who are offended by generational wealth.

OP wants a certain lifestyle for her family and that is OK.

DP but OP wants that certain lifestyle to be funded, at least in part, with her DH's inheritance. But then she turns around and says that she doesn't want her parents to make disbursements to her brothers because one of them is married to a gold digger who will spend her parents' money. I mean, if this isn't a troll it's the most tone deaf human being alive.

Posts like this make me very nervous I could raise an idiot by trying to give them that proverbial UMC leg up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wonder if he truly intends to use this inheritance for his brother, or just doesn’t want to commingle it with you? Where is it parked right now?

this. if your marriage ok? I wonder if your husband questions the longevity of your marriage and wants to make sure the inheritance isn't commingled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Re: our savings habits, we save quite a bit, in large part because of all the help we receive from my parents. DH is just extremely conservative and doesn't want to put any of that towards a new house. He just wants to equity from our current house. Maybe the problem is just that he's overly conservative.

It would be great if DH could sit down with his mother and a lawyer and social worker and figure out a plan for this. The problem is his mother refuses to talk about any of this. Like, she's in complete denial that she's going to die someday, that her son cannot care for himself, and that this is all going to fall on DH. The real problem here is my MIL but there's nothing we can do about it.

So are there other savings you can tap into? What sort of numbers are we talking about? Are you moving to Silicon Valley where a 3bd/2ba is 4mil? What can you get with your current equity/income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are moving to a very expensive West Coast housing market and are trying to figure out how to afford a house that we like. DH's father passed away unexpectedly about a decade ago, and DH received an inheritance in the high six figures. (His parents were divorced, and I expect he will get at least that much and probably more from his mother when she passes.) DH hasn't spent a penny of his inheritance yet, and I think it's reasonable for him to use some of it for purchasing a house when we move. He is refusing to consider spending any of the money because he assumes he will be completely financially responsible for his disabled brother when his mother passes away and he wants to save the money for that. His brother has severe mental illness (schizophrenia/psychosis) and lives with his mother. His mother is in good shape but is 80 years old. She is in complete denial about the severity of her son's illness and as far as we know has not made any provisions for his care or set up any special needs trusts, etc.. DH's brother has/will inherit a decent sum of money but DH assumes that his brother will be preyed upon/be unable to manage the money.

Over the course of our marriage I have received substantial financial support from my parents that have greatly benefited our family (help with a down payment on our current house, funding kids' private school and 529s, as well as cash gifts that I have used for house upgrades and family vacations). I hope it is many years away but I will inherit a sizeable sum when my parents pass and would not hesitate to use it to improve our family's quality of life. So I'm quite resentful that DH is unwilling to use any of his inheritance to benefit his wife and children. If his father had wanted to leave all of his money to DH's brother, then that's what he would have done. Obviously it was his father's wish that his estate was divided equally between his two children. Am I being unreasonable?

Did you even have to ask? Let the man do what he thinks is the right thing without being a nag. As far your parents' gifts go, spend on the family or not. I don't think your DH will care. Think about what a good man he is for thinking about his brother and holding money that is rightfully his for his brother's benefit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Re: our savings habits, we save quite a bit, in large part because of all the help we receive from my parents. DH is just extremely conservative and doesn't want to put any of that towards a new house. He just wants to equity from our current house. Maybe the problem is just that he's overly conservative.

It would be great if DH could sit down with his mother and a lawyer and social worker and figure out a plan for this. The problem is his mother refuses to talk about any of this. Like, she's in complete denial that she's going to die someday, that her son cannot care for himself, and that this is all going to fall on DH. The real problem here is my MIL but there's nothing we can do about it.

But there is. He can lay out his boundaries to his mother so she knows what she can expect from him. I'm the person who has the same situation as your husband. I also felt helpless and terrified for years and my mom was is utter denial.

Here is what I did:

Told her exactly what I would and wouldn't do (would let my brother have their house and wouldn't seek an inheritance of it, would help him set up disability payments, word help him seek psychiatric help, would NOT let him live with my and my family, would NOT pay for his care if he doesn't seek disability payments.)

My parents have more than enough money to set him up.

My inheritance will be for my own family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH's brother will never live with us. I asked DH early in our relationship if he would ever live with us and he emphatically said no. If he had said yes, I would have ended the relationship. Even if DH didn't have a family I'm sure he wouldn't have his brother living with him. The brother is a big guy and is volatile with violent episodes. Once he grabbed me inappropriately and DH had to yell at him to get off of me. No way I would have him living in my house with me and my kids and face potential assault.

DH thinks his brother would probably get kicked out of a group home due to outbursts and violence. His mother has chronically undermedicated him (part of the denial) so maybe if he were properly medicated the odds of the violence would decrease. He also thinks he can't handle living alone. DH's mother could certainly leave him her house but I don't think he could handle a large suburban house and possibly not even an apartment. So there's no clear answer to where he would live.

The brother could easily have assets of $1.5-2 million when the mother dies. I would think that + social security would be sufficient for one person with no dependents who never goes anywhere, but DH thinks that his brother will be preyed upon and end up with nothing.

I do not currently work. We had a baby early in the pandemic + an older child so I had to stop. I am currently looking for a job. DH is in a higher paying field, and I have always done the majority of the childcare and household management. I don't think he begrudges me not currently working as he knows it would have been impossible to maintain his job with both kids home during the pandemic + quarantine issues.

I think the advice to just use marital assets on buying the new house is probably right. I do think it's possible that in 20 years we'll be sitting on a pile of money and thinking we should have spent a little of it to to enjoy a nicer family house while our kids were still at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH's brother will never live with us. I asked DH early in our relationship if he would ever live with us and he emphatically said no. If he had said yes, I would have ended the relationship. Even if DH didn't have a family I'm sure he wouldn't have his brother living with him. The brother is a big guy and is volatile with violent episodes. Once he grabbed me inappropriately and DH had to yell at him to get off of me. No way I would have him living in my house with me and my kids and face potential assault.

DH thinks his brother would probably get kicked out of a group home due to outbursts and violence. His mother has chronically undermedicated him (part of the denial) so maybe if he were properly medicated the odds of the violence would decrease. He also thinks he can't handle living alone. DH's mother could certainly leave him her house but I don't think he could handle a large suburban house and possibly not even an apartment. So there's no clear answer to where he would live.

The brother could easily have assets of $1.5-2 million when the mother dies. I would think that + social security would be sufficient for one person with no dependents who never goes anywhere, but DH thinks that his brother will be preyed upon and end up with nothing.

I do not currently work. We had a baby early in the pandemic + an older child so I had to stop. I am currently looking for a job. DH is in a higher paying field, and I have always done the majority of the childcare and household management. I don't think he begrudges me not currently working as he knows it would have been impossible to maintain his job with both kids home during the pandemic + quarantine issues.

I think the advice to just use marital assets on buying the new house is probably right. I do think it's possible that in 20 years we'll be sitting on a pile of money and thinking we should have spent a little of it to to enjoy a nicer family house while our kids were still at home.

OP, this is all so so familiar. I wish I could talk to your husband. if he thinks his brother is going to be preyed upon and that is what he is saving money for that is tragic -- that money is going to be utterly wasted on predators and he's accepted that? No way. That is not the best option for him, or for his brother. Please tell your husband that even he can lean on a social worker to help his brother get set up without the money being flushed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH's brother will never live with us. I asked DH early in our relationship if he would ever live with us and he emphatically said no. If he had said yes, I would have ended the relationship. Even if DH didn't have a family I'm sure he wouldn't have his brother living with him. The brother is a big guy and is volatile with violent episodes. Once he grabbed me inappropriately and DH had to yell at him to get off of me. No way I would have him living in my house with me and my kids and face potential assault.

DH thinks his brother would probably get kicked out of a group home due to outbursts and violence. His mother has chronically undermedicated him (part of the denial) so maybe if he were properly medicated the odds of the violence would decrease. He also thinks he can't handle living alone. DH's mother could certainly leave him her house but I don't think he could handle a large suburban house and possibly not even an apartment. So there's no clear answer to where he would live.

The brother could easily have assets of $1.5-2 million when the mother dies. I would think that + social security would be sufficient for one person with no dependents who never goes anywhere, but DH thinks that his brother will be preyed upon and end up with nothing.

I do not currently work. We had a baby early in the pandemic + an older child so I had to stop. I am currently looking for a job. DH is in a higher paying field, and I have always done the majority of the childcare and household management. I don't think he begrudges me not currently working as he knows it would have been impossible to maintain his job with both kids home during the pandemic + quarantine issues.

I think the advice to just use marital assets on buying the new house is probably right. I do think it's possible that in 20 years we'll be sitting on a pile of money and thinking we should have spent a little of it to to enjoy a nicer family house while our kids were still at home.

So do you think you could not begrudge him worrying about his brother? It’s not like the man contributes nothing to your lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

To blow all his money on a schizophrenic brother sounds like he’s schizophrenic! This is not normal, and makes me think something fishy is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To blow all his money on a schizophrenic brother sounds like he’s schizophrenic! This is not normal, and makes me think something fishy is going on.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To blow all his money on a schizophrenic brother sounds like he’s schizophrenic! This is not normal, and makes me think something fishy is going on.

I'm sure he's been impacted by his parents denial of the problem. his brother is also violent -- he is probably stuck in a trauma response as well. have some sympathy for him. this is the person in the same situation. therapy helped me unravel all of this and also get some clarity on what I was and wasn't willing to do. It takes a lot of strength in these "reality population 1" families to do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

When I am sad I am alone, I come here to remember women like this exist.

[Anonymous]

Does MIL have an estate plan for the brother upon her death? He shouldn’t be in charge of the money if she is worried that he will be taken advantage of. Not much you can do OP except to advise that MIL and DH see an estate attorney.

[Anonymous]

OP seriously - do you recognize how blessed you both are for having all these resources?

I agree that your DH should go to an eldercare attorney who will have expertise in trusts so that your DH's brother can be cared for in the future. This just makes sense, but I can certainly understand your husband's hesitation. Maybe a visit to a financial planner is in order as well.