DH won't use any inheritance for a house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let go of where the money comes from. It’s a joint asset now. The issue is that you disagree about how much money you need to set aside for BIL, which is also a joint problem.

If you were mature and reasonable, you would work on that problem together. But you sound more like a spoiled child than a real adult.

Apparently not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

The issue is bigger than this. OP wants to feel her dh has financial skin in the game to the extent she does.

I will bet dollars to donuts that her financial contribution to the marriage is only through gifts/inheritance, who he holds an actual job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.

OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.

So you are insistent that your brother not co-mingle your "family money" with his wife, because that would be bad, but it's a huge problem because your husband is doing the same thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

The issue is bigger than this. OP wants to feel her dh has financial skin in the game to the extent she does.

I will bet dollars to donuts that her financial contribution to the marriage is only through gifts/inheritance, who he holds an actual job.

OP says she’s unemployed, so you are correct. Also not a shred of understanding how absurdly lucky she is to have had a down payment, her kids education, and regular “cash gifts” given to her. Hung up on money - that’s not even hers! - when she and her husband are already doing better than 99.5% of all people on earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

OK, I thought you were pretty crappy before this, but now you are comparing blowing money on handbags and jewelry to your husband saving money in case his mentally disabled brother needs care later in life.

Holy smokes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.

OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.

So you are insistent that your brother not co-mingle your "family money" with his wife, because that would be bad, but it's a huge problem because your husband is doing the same thing?

+2

Curious how OP defines “gold digger”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

The issue is bigger than this. OP wants to feel her dh has financial skin in the game to the extent she does.

I will bet dollars to donuts that her financial contribution to the marriage is only through gifts/inheritance, who he holds an actual job.

OP says she’s unemployed, so you are correct. Also not a shred of understanding how absurdly lucky she is to have had a down payment, her kids education, and regular “cash gifts” given to her. Hung up on money - that’s not even hers! - when she and her husband are already doing better than 99.5% of all people on earth.

I would argue that the husband is not doing better, because of his unfortunate choice in a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem seems to be that and your DH have different priorities. He is family-oriented while you are financially oriented.

You are also pretty ignorant about serious mental health conditions and money. Your DH is right to be concerned that his brother will be preyed upon or will otherwise be penniless shortly after receiving any inheritance.

Finally, are you both in agreement about how much house to buy and how to finance it, or do you want a nicer house than he feels the need for, and you want him to fund the more expensive house with his inheritance?

You can also say the opposite. DH is financially oriented for wanting to stockpile his money for his brother and not share it like OP, while OP wants to use the money to better life for her own family.

This was my read as well. OP said in her opener,

Over the course of our marriage I have received substantial financial support from my parents that have greatly benefited our family (help with a down payment on our current house, funding kids' private school and 529s, as well as cash gifts that I have used for house upgrades and family vacations).

I think the course correction here is for OP to stop comingling her own inheritance, especially since her DH won't dip into his. Save it in a separate, rainy day fund for herself. That alone should help relieve some of the resentment she feels, which I think I would also feel under the circumstances she has described.

OP doesn’t have an inheritance. She has gifts from her parents. I think those would be considered marital assets but I could be wrong. Bottom line is that the DH’s mom needs to set up a trust for the brother. And OP really needs to check her privilege.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse is acting prudently and with care towards sibling's inevitable and probably near term financial needs.

+1

Maybe his mom provides 100% of her $$$ in an inheritence to her disabled son (and not you both--I would after reading this).

You both might divorce, but that his his brother for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

If you are local, I truly hope one of your joint friends reads this board and outs you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

If you are local, I truly hope one of your joint friends reads this board and outs you.

Why? Her DH shouldn't ask her to spend any of her $34k annual gift if he doesn't want to contribute his. What if she discovers he's a serial cheater and they get divorced? Now, he's got all his inheritance carved out for just him, and she's got none of hers because she comingled it for the benefit of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

I think the "typical" SN moms are misunderstanding the situation. preparing for a violent, schizophrenic, undermedicated brother who was raised by parents who are in denial (read between the lines -- this means the parents are living under the illusion that the brother is fine. I can almost gaurantee that this person is not on disability or in the psychiatric system. I know this is possible bc I've lived it) is VERY different than preparing for life with a typical SN siblings, where you can plan in a much more straightforward manner because everything is predicatable and everyone is playing by the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

I think the "typical" SN moms are misunderstanding the situation. preparing for a violent, schizophrenic, undermedicated brother who was raised by parents who are in denial (read between the lines -- this means the parents are living under the illusion that the brother is fine. I can almost gaurantee that this person is not on disability or in the psychiatric system. I know this is possible bc I've lived it) is VERY different than preparing for life with a typical SN siblings, where you can plan in a much more straightforward manner because everything is predicatable and everyone is playing by the rules.

OP said the brother is under medicated. While I agree that the mother’s purported denial about the condition is probably setting this up to be much more difficult than it needs to be, the information provided by OP indicates that the brother is getting some amount of psychiatric care. PCPs generally don’t go around handing out scripts for schizophrenia medications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem seems to be that and your DH have different priorities. He is family-oriented while you are financially oriented.

You are also pretty ignorant about serious mental health conditions and money. Your DH is right to be concerned that his brother will be preyed upon or will otherwise be penniless shortly after receiving any inheritance.

Finally, are you both in agreement about how much house to buy and how to finance it, or do you want a nicer house than he feels the need for, and you want him to fund the more expensive house with his inheritance?

You can also say the opposite. DH is financially oriented for wanting to stockpile his money for his brother and not share it like OP, while OP wants to use the money to better life for her own family.

This was my read as well. OP said in her opener,

Over the course of our marriage I have received substantial financial support from my parents that have greatly benefited our family (help with a down payment on our current house, funding kids' private school and 529s, as well as cash gifts that I have used for house upgrades and family vacations).

I think the course correction here is for OP to stop comingling her own inheritance, especially since her DH won't dip into his. Save it in a separate, rainy day fund for herself. That alone should help relieve some of the resentment she feels, which I think I would also feel under the circumstances she has described.

OP doesn’t have an inheritance. She has gifts from her parents. I think those would be considered marital assets but I could be wrong. Bottom line is that the DH’s mom needs to set up a trust for the brother. And OP really needs to check her privilege.

Technically half of the gift from her parents is to him and half to her. The parents are gifting up to the tax free annual limit which is a per person limit. If she wants to separately keep all of HER money from the parents they would only be able to give half as much.