My friend seems surprised her ex is thriving domestically

[Anonymous]

The Ex could have been a total dud as a partner to her but also figure it out and land on his feet after the divorce instead of flailing. You should point out to her that she should want him to successful for their kids. Why would you want your ex to fail at adulting and being a dad to your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - and hugs; I think you sound like a supportive and kind friend. I not get why so much hate is directed your way in this thread.

Maybe some of the people hating on you in this thread need education on their innate gender-biases? (they do not seem to recognize it).

Or if they are aware of innate gender bias, they need to work on that.

OP here.

We were housemates in college and in the same program. Twenty years later we find ourselves living in the same city. I've known them as a couple since they got married. Our kids are friends, which is why I've been to his house since they've been divorced.

Don't worry about the "hate." It's clear that this question has brought out a lot of projection from some very women very bitter about their own situation. There do seem to be a fair number of women invested in the narrative of the lazy, incompetent dad. I mean, that whole thing of "dad as a clueless idiot" is reinforced in popular media, so it's hardly surprising, even if it's some universal truth.

As to the quesiton about money, I don't know for sure but they earned roughly the same, so I'd be surprised if there was some huge disparity.

I don't think there was any cheating. At least, she didn't confess anything to me or complain that he strayed. It just sounds like one of these things where maybe she had had it. But maybe she is realizing she didn't have it so bad.

I'll just keep directing her to a therapist.

All I know is that you don't seem to be a good friend and she shouldn't be hanging around you too much if she wants to start dating. Maybe she's just using you for info on her ex. No idea why you are around other than she can get data from you if you are visiting him. Clearly you do not respect her much. Whether she has divorce remorse is kind of beside the point since it's done and you had no input into it, so it doesn't affect you. You need to find friends you can respect and so does she.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend was miserable the last five years of her marriage and blamed that on her husband. She divorced him two years ago, complaining about how she had to handle all the domestic stuff, the emotional work, being default parent, etc. You never know what’s happening in someone’s marriage but I never saw that — her DH seemed to be pretty involved, engaged and attentive with kids, rearranged his job roles to get better work-life balance, etc. But when friend would complain, I would always listen and try to be supportive of her feelings.

She initiated separation two years ago and they have been divorced now about 10 months and she is more miserable than ever. But one thing she continues to obsess about is that her ex didn’t fall flat on his face. He has a small townhouse with rooms for their kids (so does she), has them 50% of the time. The school calls *him* first if there is an issue, at the kids’ insistence. Their 14 yo DD apparently has asked to live full-time with her dad (which triggered a new round of upset from her this past weekend, understandably so). I don’t interact with him much but I have been inside his house — it’s tastefully decorated, albeit very much a man’s house (no sign there’s another woman in his life, at least not one with influence on home decorating). He looks fit, while my friend is just a mess.

It’s weird, like she thought this whole experience would show him that he couldn’t live without her and he obviously can and now she is disappointed by that. It’s like she is surprised to discover he is actually a competent adult. I don’t really know what to tell her except she needs to focus on her own life now and gently suggest she discuss the roots of her unhappiness with a therapist. Anyone else BTDT?

You still don’t know what’s really going on. Or what he’s telling the kids or spoiling them with- money, garbage food, screens, no rules.

He has a simpler life and less responsibilities, plus if the kids are teens they are way more self sufficient than ages 0-12.

Your friend needs to detach from him, hopefully he is a good coparent not a lazy one that throws money at the kids for admiration. She needs to just be the best person she can be, and forget about him. He failed at child rearing and living in a family house. It broke his marriage and intact family. It’s the ultimate test and he couldn’t do that. So unless he marries, has new babies and lives in a house again (not townhouse) no one really knows if he’s “doing better.” With the divorce he vastly simplified his life and responsibilities. Especially if he half @$$es the ones that remain. Unf your friend is probably still the default parent, monitoring for health issues, emotional support, planning school obligations, monitoring academics, and other deadlines. Dad just does his after school time and outings. Easy peasy. It’s called Disney Dad for a reason, not coaching dad or homework dad or healthy cooking dad.

It’s best these types do not get remarried as they cannot handle the responsibilities and manage their time. Or resources.

This. This is the most likely scenario.

Number 2 likely is that OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend was miserable the last five years of her marriage and blamed that on her husband. She divorced him two years ago, complaining about how she had to handle all the domestic stuff, the emotional work, being default parent, etc. You never know what’s happening in someone’s marriage but I never saw that — her DH seemed to be pretty involved, engaged and attentive with kids, rearranged his job roles to get better work-life balance, etc. But when friend would complain, I would always listen and try to be supportive of her feelings.

She initiated separation two years ago and they have been divorced now about 10 months and she is more miserable than ever. But one thing she continues to obsess about is that her ex didn’t fall flat on his face. He has a small townhouse with rooms for their kids (so does she), has them 50% of the time. The school calls *him* first if there is an issue, at the kids’ insistence. Their 14 yo DD apparently has asked to live full-time with her dad (which triggered a new round of upset from her this past weekend, understandably so). I don’t interact with him much but I have been inside his house — it’s tastefully decorated, albeit very much a man’s house (no sign there’s another woman in his life, at least not one with influence on home decorating). He looks fit, while my friend is just a mess.

It’s weird, like she thought this whole experience would show him that he couldn’t live without her and he obviously can and now she is disappointed by that. It’s like she is surprised to discover he is actually a competent adult. I don’t really know what to tell her except she needs to focus on her own life now and gently suggest she discuss the roots of her unhappiness with a therapist. Anyone else BTDT?

You still don’t know what’s really going on. Or what he’s telling the kids or spoiling them with- money, garbage food, screens, no rules.

He has a simpler life and less responsibilities, plus if the kids are teens they are way more self sufficient than ages 0-12.

Your friend needs to detach from him, hopefully he is a good coparent not a lazy one that throws money at the kids for admiration. She needs to just be the best person she can be, and forget about him. He failed at child rearing and living in a family house. It broke his marriage and intact family. It’s the ultimate test and he couldn’t do that. So unless he marries, has new babies and lives in a house again (not townhouse) no one really knows if he’s “doing better.” With the divorce he vastly simplified his life and responsibilities. Especially if he half @$$es the ones that remain. Unf your friend is probably still the default parent, monitoring for health issues, emotional support, planning school obligations, monitoring academics, and other deadlines. Dad just does his after school time and outings. Easy peasy. It’s called Disney Dad for a reason, not coaching dad or homework dad or healthy cooking dad.

It’s best these types do not get remarried as they cannot handle the responsibilities and manage their time. Or resources.

This. This is the most likely scenario.

Number 2 likely is that OP is a troll.

Lots and lots of projection in that previous post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the question is -- what do you say to your friend when she's upset her ex-h is competent? I think the answer is that this is really the best for her kids, and what is she doing for herself and herself to be functional, happy, etc?

Sounds like the divorce was a success. It made him start adulting, at least to some degree!

That’s a better role model for the kids than the married situation. Good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend was miserable the last five years of her marriage and blamed that on her husband. She divorced him two years ago, complaining about how she had to handle all the domestic stuff, the emotional work, being default parent, etc. You never know what’s happening in someone’s marriage but I never saw that — her DH seemed to be pretty involved, engaged and attentive with kids, rearranged his job roles to get better work-life balance, etc. But when friend would complain, I would always listen and try to be supportive of her feelings.

She initiated separation two years ago and they have been divorced now about 10 months and she is more miserable than ever. But one thing she continues to obsess about is that her ex didn’t fall flat on his face. He has a small townhouse with rooms for their kids (so does she), has them 50% of the time. The school calls *him* first if there is an issue, at the kids’ insistence. Their 14 yo DD apparently has asked to live full-time with her dad (which triggered a new round of upset from her this past weekend, understandably so). I don’t interact with him much but I have been inside his house — it’s tastefully decorated, albeit very much a man’s house (no sign there’s another woman in his life, at least not one with influence on home decorating). He looks fit, while my friend is just a mess.

It’s weird, like she thought this whole experience would show him that he couldn’t live without her and he obviously can and now she is disappointed by that. It’s like she is surprised to discover he is actually a competent adult. I don’t really know what to tell her except she needs to focus on her own life now and gently suggest she discuss the roots of her unhappiness with a therapist. Anyone else BTDT?

You still don’t know what’s really going on. Or what he’s telling the kids or spoiling them with- money, garbage food, screens, no rules.

He has a simpler life and less responsibilities, plus if the kids are teens they are way more self sufficient than ages 0-12.

Your friend needs to detach from him, hopefully he is a good coparent not a lazy one that throws money at the kids for admiration. She needs to just be the best person she can be, and forget about him. He failed at child rearing and living in a family house. It broke his marriage and intact family. It’s the ultimate test and he couldn’t do that. So unless he marries, has new babies and lives in a house again (not townhouse) no one really knows if he’s “doing better.” With the divorce he vastly simplified his life and responsibilities. Especially if he half @$$es the ones that remain. Unf your friend is probably still the default parent, monitoring for health issues, emotional support, planning school obligations, monitoring academics, and other deadlines. Dad just does his after school time and outings. Easy peasy. It’s called Disney Dad for a reason, not coaching dad or homework dad or healthy cooking dad.

It’s best these types do not get remarried as they cannot handle the responsibilities and manage their time. Or resources.

This. This is the most likely scenario.

Number 2 likely is that OP is a troll.

Lots and lots of projection in that previous post.

Didn’t Op claim that she claimed he did nothing. That’s the truth. He’s likely the same. Kid is probably on her iPhone most the evenings.

[Anonymous]

Is she a narcissist? Sounds like she’s always playing the victim. Borderline personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 100% sure the DH was not pulling his weight, feigned incompetence to get out of things. Now that he has to do the job he has risen to the task but I’m sure was different in marriage.

+1. Men often step up when they are given no other choices, and also face the cold hard reality of what happens when no one picks up their slack.

Dollars to donuts he "did his best and let her do the rest" while married.

Single parenting is rough. She expected life to get easier when she was free of the dead weight. It's not easier to single parent, just different.

And since the world falls over swooning (like OP) when divorced dads pull 50% of their weight, it's salt in the wound as she's regarded as damaged goods.

I get why your friend is bitter, just saying.

My ex-w was dead weight. I had two children, and adult child, and two dogs to care for. Plus a more than full-time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - and hugs; I think you sound like a supportive and kind friend. I not get why so much hate is directed your way in this thread.

Maybe some of the people hating on you in this thread need education on their innate gender-biases? (they do not seem to recognize it).

Or if they are aware of innate gender bias, they need to work on that.

OP here.

We were housemates in college and in the same program. Twenty years later we find ourselves living in the same city. I've known them as a couple since they got married. Our kids are friends, which is why I've been to his house since they've been divorced.

Don't worry about the "hate." It's clear that this question has brought out a lot of projection from some very women very bitter about their own situation. There do seem to be a fair number of women invested in the narrative of the lazy, incompetent dad. I mean, that whole thing of "dad as a clueless idiot" is reinforced in popular media, so it's hardly surprising, even if it's some universal truth.

As to the quesiton about money, I don't know for sure but they earned roughly the same, so I'd be surprised if there was some huge disparity.

I don't think there was any cheating. At least, she didn't confess anything to me or complain that he strayed. It just sounds like one of these things where maybe she had had it. But maybe she is realizing she didn't have it so bad.

I'll just keep directing her to a therapist.

Nothing you've posted points to her thinking this way, but it's clear you *want* her to have this takeaway. Many women have explained to you that having a husband do nothing around the house and then show he was always capable of doing things once divorced is worse than him being genuinely incompetent, but you keep thinking that what is being said in this thread is that all men are incompetent. You are not engaging in this thread in good faith and nothing about your posts says you're a "good friend" to the woman you've called miserable, obsessed, and a wreck.

You shouldn't wonder why you come across as the XH trolling that this proves women shouldn't complain about unfair household labor divisions.

Yeah, agree.

No one forces us to be friends with, or married to, a person. You get to choose these people and let them into your life. If you think your friend is a victim-playing nag who's divorced from reality, then why are you guys friends? You both should surround yourself with people who trust your judgment and intentions. So if you want to be her friend, then take what she says at face value. If you can't do that, then what you have is an acquaintanceship at best, and it shouldn't require crowdsourcing your side of the conversation on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Honestly she sounds depressed. Maybe she rushed into marriage and children and realized that it wasn't the fantasy she dreamed of. She got the divorce thinking it was him but now she sees it wasn't him or at least not only him

She's got some self reflection and work to do.
Your role is to limit the venting sessions to a few minutes and always point it back to her." Michelle you seem really unhappy and sad. Have you thought about taking to someone.?".

[Anonymous]

That's interesting because I know a few wives who have thrown their husbands out for weeks in some cases for months and they beg to come back home.

Good for him.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound like a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Ex could have been a total dud as a partner to her but also figure it out and land on his feet after the divorce instead of flailing. You should point out to her that she should want him to successful for their kids. Why would you want your ex to fail at adulting and being a dad to your kids?

The above is all you need to do.

He’s selfish and needed to be left to his own devices. Besides she nor you know what kind of parent he is being during his time. Hire her a PI if that will confirm he’s a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's interesting because I know a few wives who have thrown their husbands out for weeks in some cases for months and they beg to come back home.

Good for him.

Tell us more!! I have never seen this. What happened? They missed the great conversations, home cooked meals, teens getting math help at night??

[Anonymous]

I feel like if the OP in any thread can't actually relate to their question and make any headway Jeff should just delete threads after 10 interactions. There must be some metric to stop the trolling and lying that goes on here. It's obvious OP is not a friend to this woman and is just trying to stir up anti woman hate. Don't feed the troll.