My friend seems surprised her ex is thriving domestically

[Anonymous]

What is the money situation in the houses? Is one of them struggling?

[Anonymous]

Also a divorce support group would be great for her. It’s not mostly about commiserating but also starting a new life. Sounds like she needs some friends to support her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh.That’s pretty common. Your friend should join a group for recently divorced moms so she can have someone to commiserate with.

OP here - but is that healthy? Thinking he was some unsupportive, incompetent boob had a lot to do with getting her to where she is today — is reinforcing that apparent fiction going to anything other than embitter her further? She needs to move on…. Maybe tough love is in order here?

Maybe he was unsupportive and incompetent and then he was forced to grow up.

You really don't sound like a friend.

So what do you propose I tell my friend, who is beside herself that her ex didn't melt down even as she seems to be doing just that?

Nothing. Your job is not to tell her things and inform her why she is wrong, in your opinion. Just support her and do something to help her. If you think she is struggling to keep her home in order, offer to do some yard work. Or just take her out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s not your friend at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

Yes, friend from college. Our children are friends, too. I know her ex by extension of her, but she and I have the relationship (which has never been intimate and I am happily married).

DP. Never crossed my mind you might have more-than-friends interest in her, it sounded more like you’re hot for him.

Nope, not gay. Weird it came across that way.

I guess I come across more from the perspective of why are you surprised? Did you just assume men are idiots when it comes to these things? We aren’t.

I mean, I did tell her something like that at one point but she was pretty dug in on her narrative about him not doing enough around the house, etc.

Latent gender biases can affect your perceptions. If you have a mom and a dad putting in equal effort at home, he is more likely to be praised for being so involved even though he never does the dishes, while she is more likely to be labeled as lazy because she never does the dishes. Unless you were living in their home, you know very little about their contributions at home.

Yes, I said that in my first post. I also think the truth lies somewhere in between and that probably wasn’t worth divorcing over, assuming that was the real problem. In any case, it seems like *he* wasn’t the source of her unhappiness as she continues to be unhappy, perhaps moreso. I wish I could help her find happiness. Because from where I sit, he seems to be perfectly happy and functional while my friend is just a mess.

So you’re admitting that he probably was at least something of a slacker pre-divorce and that some of her complaints may have merit?

Here’s the real issue, assuming you’re not a troll. If you divorce someone because of their unwillingness to do their fair share at home and then they struggle to maintain a proper household afterward, there’s a certain comfort in knowing that their laziness/slobbish mess is about them and not you. When a spouse of doesn’t pull their weigh suddenly starts post-divorce doing all of the things you wanted them to do pre-divorce, that means their failure to do it pre-divorce had nothing to do with ability and everything to do with simply not caring enough about you at any point during the marriage to put in the level of effort that they were clearly capable of post-divorce. It means they took you for granted and didn’t respect you, which puts and entirely different color on the marriage as a whole.

I am not “admitting” anything. I am saying I didn’t see any evidence of what she complained about but acknowledged you never know what happened behind closed doors. I will say based on the few times I have been in it, his home seems better kept than hers. Although maybe he has a cleaning service, who knows.

It’s interesting how you ignored the substance of that post in favor of the only sliver you thought might support your case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh.That’s pretty common. Your friend should join a group for recently divorced moms so she can have someone to commiserate with.

OP here - but is that healthy? Thinking he was some unsupportive, incompetent boob had a lot to do with getting her to where she is today — is reinforcing that apparent fiction going to anything other than embitter her further? She needs to move on…. Maybe tough love is in order here?

Maybe he was unsupportive and incompetent and then he was forced to grow up.

You really don't sound like a friend.

So what do you propose I tell my friend, who is beside herself that her ex didn't melt down even as she seems to be doing just that?

Nothing. Your job is not to tell her things and inform her why she is wrong, in your opinion. Just support her and do something to help her. If you think she is struggling to keep her home in order, offer to do some yard work. Or just take her out to dinner.

That said you don’t have to support the bad talk of her ex. Just tell her gently it’s more important to focus on herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

I think it's the OW or something.

Nah, he’s the ex who is fantasizing about how miserable his ex probably is since she divorced him and wants everyone to praise him for being amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh.That’s pretty common. Your friend should join a group for recently divorced moms so she can have someone to commiserate with.

OP here - but is that healthy? Thinking he was some unsupportive, incompetent boob had a lot to do with getting her to where she is today — is reinforcing that apparent fiction going to anything other than embitter her further? She needs to move on…. Maybe tough love is in order here?

Maybe he was unsupportive and incompetent and then he was forced to grow up.

You really don't sound like a friend.

So what do you propose I tell my friend, who is beside herself that her ex didn't melt down even as she seems to be doing just that?

Empathize with her. Tell her he’s a shitbag for not pulling his weight during the marriage when he was clearly capable of doing so, and that she deserved better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 100% sure the DH was not pulling his weight, feigned incompetence to get out of things. Now that he has to do the job he has risen to the task but I’m sure was different in marriage.

Or, the DH didn't like DW criticizing that a certain task was not done 100% her way, and just stopped doing it.

Men can step up to the plate when they need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 100% sure the DH was not pulling his weight, feigned incompetence to get out of things. Now that he has to do the job he has risen to the task but I’m sure was different in marriage.

Or, the DH didn't like DW criticizing that a certain task was not done 100% her way, and just stopped doing it.

Men can step up to the plate when they need to.

LOL! You're REALLY telling on yourself. Yes, my DH does nothing because he doesn't need to, because I do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

I think it's the OW or something.

Nah, he’s the ex who is fantasizing about how miserable his ex probably is since she divorced him and wants everyone to praise him for being amazing.

Yep, this is the ex writing- and I bet he hopes she sees it so he can rub salt in her wounds.

He knows way too many details for a friend, and it’s particularly odd that a friend of the ex wife has been in the ex husband’s townhouse “a few times.”

[Anonymous]

It can be a lot of things, maybe he wasn't as useful as he seemed in front of an audience but stepped up once he had to, maybe she misplaced her unhappiness in the relationship on the domestic labor issue when that wasn't really the issue. Hopefully she can get to a better place. I was really depressed and angry when I divorced but was able to make some changes to get better and start living the life I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 100% sure the DH was not pulling his weight, feigned incompetence to get out of things. Now that he has to do the job he has risen to the task but I’m sure was different in marriage.

+1 Some people only step up when there is no alternative. And I could see from the perspective of OP's friend that seeing him finally step up after divorce when he never did in marriage would be extremely painful. If only he had done so sooner, they might have been able to keep the family together.

However, OP, you suggest this is getting to her to such a degree that he daughter is pulling away now. She has to accept that he was never going to change IN the marriage, even is he was able to outside of the marriage. She needs to let it go, and become her best version of herself for her kids, right now. Or she will lose more than a husband.

[Anonymous]

The amount of projection on this thread is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

What would you do for a friend if this person were a guy? Do the same things but cater the activities and speech to her.