My friend seems surprised her ex is thriving domestically
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My friend was miserable the last five years of her marriage and blamed that on her husband. She divorced him two years ago, complaining about how she had to handle all the domestic stuff, the emotional work, being default parent, etc. You never know what’s happening in someone’s marriage but I never saw that — her DH seemed to be pretty involved, engaged and attentive with kids, rearranged his job roles to get better work-life balance, etc. But when friend would complain, I would always listen and try to be supportive of her feelings.
She initiated separation two years ago and they have been divorced now about 10 months and she is more miserable than ever. But one thing she continues to obsess about is that her ex didn’t fall flat on his face. He has a small townhouse with rooms for their kids (so does she), has them 50% of the time. The school calls *him* first if there is an issue, at the kids’ insistence. Their 14 yo DD apparently has asked to live full-time with her dad (which triggered a new round of upset from her this past weekend, understandably so). I don’t interact with him much but I have been inside his house — it’s tastefully decorated, albeit very much a man’s house (no sign there’s another woman in his life, at least not one with influence on home decorating). He looks fit, while my friend is just a mess. It’s weird, like she thought this whole experience would show him that he couldn’t live without her and he obviously can and now she is disappointed by that. It’s like she is surprised to discover he is actually a competent adult. I don’t really know what to tell her except she needs to focus on her own life now and gently suggest she discuss the roots of her unhappiness with a therapist. Anyone else BTDT? |
Anonymous
| Sounds like my ex-wife. |
Anonymous
| Woman here. I admit that there are times (not always) when my friends complain about their husbands and I don't believe 100 percent of what they portray of him. Of course I know that people can be very different behind closed doors. But I get a general sense when people are spinning their truth to make someone look worse than they are. I would never tell them in a million years, am always a good listener, supportive, because I never truly know. |
Anonymous
| Eh.That’s pretty common. Your friend should join a group for recently divorced moms so she can have someone to commiserate with. |
Anonymous
OP here - but is that healthy? Thinking he was some unsupportive, incompetent boob had a lot to do with getting her to where she is today — is reinforcing that apparent fiction going to anything other than embitter her further? She needs to move on…. Maybe tough love is in order here? |
Anonymous
|
OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this |
Anonymous
|
I always assume there are a lot of shitty dynamics at play that get you to a place where a women is investing so much energy into her household and a man investing none. It’s usually where a woman is investing way more time and effort into the household than her kids reasonably need, and he is pulling himself away from the household than us reasonable healthy (and not a reflection of his capabilities). It’s usually because there are already bigger issues in the marriage and they’re both subconsciously trying to make a point and digging their heels into their positions.
Regardless, I think women who convince themselves that all intense hard work and investment into their family is the only reason their kids are successful and their husbands career is going well…. I think those women are deluding themselves. But once you drink the koolaid and dive head first into that life, I guess that’s what you‘ve got to believe to sleep at night. |
Anonymous
| What is the point of this post? |
Anonymous
I wondered that. It sounds like a someone reasonable ex husband wrote it. He’s potentially totally correct; but it still sounds like a guy wrote it. |
Anonymous
What’s the point of any post in dcum? |
Anonymous
Yes, friend from college. Our children are friends, too. I know her ex by extension of her, but she and I have the relationship (which has never been intimate and I am happily married). |
Anonymous
OP — I was pretty clear that I was seeking some advice on what to tell my friend. Do we not do that here? Why would you ask this? |
Anonymous
DP. Never crossed my mind you might have more-than-friends interest in her, it sounded more like you’re hot for him. |
Anonymous
Nope, not gay. Weird it came across that way. I guess I come across more from the perspective of why are you surprised? Did you just assume men are idiots when it comes to these things? We aren’t. I mean, I did tell her something like that at one point but she was pretty dug in on her narrative about him not doing enough around the house, etc. |
Anonymous
Latent gender biases can affect your perceptions. If you have a mom and a dad putting in equal effort at home, he is more likely to be praised for being so involved even though he never does the dishes, while she is more likely to be labeled as lazy because she never does the dishes. Unless you were living in their home, you know very little about their contributions at home. |