My friend seems surprised her ex is thriving domestically

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

Yes, friend from college. Our children are friends, too. I know her ex by extension of her, but she and I have the relationship (which has never been intimate and I am happily married).

DP. Never crossed my mind you might have more-than-friends interest in her, it sounded more like you’re hot for him.

Nope, not gay. Weird it came across that way.

I guess I come across more from the perspective of why are you surprised? Did you just assume men are idiots when it comes to these things? We aren’t.

I mean, I did tell her something like that at one point but she was pretty dug in on her narrative about him not doing enough around the house, etc.

Latent gender biases can affect your perceptions. If you have a mom and a dad putting in equal effort at home, he is more likely to be praised for being so involved even though he never does the dishes, while she is more likely to be labeled as lazy because she never does the dishes. Unless you were living in their home, you know very little about their contributions at home.

Yes, I said that in my first post. I also think the truth lies somewhere in between and that probably wasn’t worth divorcing over, assuming that was the real problem. In any case, it seems like *he* wasn’t the source of her unhappiness as she continues to be unhappy, perhaps moreso. I wish I could help her find happiness. Because from where I sit, he seems to be perfectly happy and functional while my friend is just a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

Yes, friend from college. Our children are friends, too. I know her ex by extension of her, but she and I have the relationship (which has never been intimate and I am happily married).

DP. Never crossed my mind you might have more-than-friends interest in her, it sounded more like you’re hot for him.

Nope, not gay. Weird it came across that way.

I guess I come across more from the perspective of why are you surprised? Did you just assume men are idiots when it comes to these things? We aren’t.

I mean, I did tell her something like that at one point but she was pretty dug in on her narrative about him not doing enough around the house, etc.

First I think you should mind your own business. If you didn’t live in the home while she was married you have no idea at all what the husband did or did not contribute. Mine was a lazy sack. Thankfully that was more than apparent to others when I was outside doing all the house stuff and the yard stuff and it didn’t come as a surprise when I ultimately divorced him. If he had been visible in doing even some things people may have thought he was an equal partner.

After we divorced he actually started taking care of his house and his things and being an adult. And I’m happy for him. Hopefully your friend can be happy for her ex who seems to be stepping up now that they are no longer together.. His dynamic with me was that I did everything and he did nothing. Could be like that with your friend. Bottom line is either be a friend to your friend or step away. Don’t sit there in judgment of her.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a nosy gossipy shrew not a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

Yes, friend from college. Our children are friends, too. I know her ex by extension of her, but she and I have the relationship (which has never been intimate and I am happily married).

DP. Never crossed my mind you might have more-than-friends interest in her, it sounded more like you’re hot for him.

Nope, not gay. Weird it came across that way.

I guess I come across more from the perspective of why are you surprised? Did you just assume men are idiots when it comes to these things? We aren’t.

I mean, I did tell her something like that at one point but she was pretty dug in on her narrative about him not doing enough around the house, etc.

Latent gender biases can affect your perceptions. If you have a mom and a dad putting in equal effort at home, he is more likely to be praised for being so involved even though he never does the dishes, while she is more likely to be labeled as lazy because she never does the dishes. Unless you were living in their home, you know very little about their contributions at home.

Yes, I said that in my first post. I also think the truth lies somewhere in between and that probably wasn’t worth divorcing over, assuming that was the real problem. In any case, it seems like *he* wasn’t the source of her unhappiness as she continues to be unhappy, perhaps moreso. I wish I could help her find happiness. Because from where I sit, he seems to be perfectly happy and functional while my friend is just a mess.

DP. I would suggest you stop calling yourself her friend, because you clearly are no friend given how you look down on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

+1. With a friend like OP, who needs enemies?

[Anonymous]

I’m 100% sure the DH was not pulling his weight, feigned incompetence to get out of things. Now that he has to do the job he has risen to the task but I’m sure was different in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh.That’s pretty common. Your friend should join a group for recently divorced moms so she can have someone to commiserate with.

OP here - but is that healthy? Thinking he was some unsupportive, incompetent boob had a lot to do with getting her to where she is today — is reinforcing that apparent fiction going to anything other than embitter her further? She needs to move on…. Maybe tough love is in order here?

OP I think YOU need to reflect on why you are overly focused on policing how your friend experienced her marriage. Why in the world would you think that you know this is an "apparent fiction"? I'm sure my STBX will step up to do the domestic labor when he doesn't have me around to do 95% of it anymore. That makes it MORE galling, not less.

I think you are a bad friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

Yes, friend from college. Our children are friends, too. I know her ex by extension of her, but she and I have the relationship (which has never been intimate and I am happily married).

DP. Never crossed my mind you might have more-than-friends interest in her, it sounded more like you’re hot for him.

Nope, not gay. Weird it came across that way.

I guess I come across more from the perspective of why are you surprised? Did you just assume men are idiots when it comes to these things? We aren’t.

I mean, I did tell her something like that at one point but she was pretty dug in on her narrative about him not doing enough around the house, etc.

Latent gender biases can affect your perceptions. If you have a mom and a dad putting in equal effort at home, he is more likely to be praised for being so involved even though he never does the dishes, while she is more likely to be labeled as lazy because she never does the dishes. Unless you were living in their home, you know very little about their contributions at home.

Yes, I said that in my first post. I also think the truth lies somewhere in between and that probably wasn’t worth divorcing over, assuming that was the real problem. In any case, it seems like *he* wasn’t the source of her unhappiness as she continues to be unhappy, perhaps moreso. I wish I could help her find happiness. Because from where I sit, he seems to be perfectly happy and functional while my friend is just a mess.

So you’re admitting that he probably was at least something of a slacker pre-divorce and that some of her complaints may have merit?

Here’s the real issue, assuming you’re not a troll. If you divorce someone because of their unwillingness to do their fair share at home and then they struggle to maintain a proper household afterward, there’s a certain comfort in knowing that their laziness/slobbish mess is about them and not you. When a spouse of doesn’t pull their weigh suddenly starts post-divorce doing all of the things you wanted them to do pre-divorce, that means their failure to do it pre-divorce had nothing to do with ability and everything to do with simply not caring enough about you at any point during the marriage to put in the level of effort that they were clearly capable of post-divorce. It means they took you for granted and didn’t respect you, which puts and entirely different color on the marriage as a whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 100% sure the DH was not pulling his weight, feigned incompetence to get out of things. Now that he has to do the job he has risen to the task but I’m sure was different in marriage.

Why are you 100% sure? Are you projecting?

Are you going to leave your husband over it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

Yes, friend from college. Our children are friends, too. I know her ex by extension of her, but she and I have the relationship (which has never been intimate and I am happily married).

DP. Never crossed my mind you might have more-than-friends interest in her, it sounded more like you’re hot for him.

Nope, not gay. Weird it came across that way.

I guess I come across more from the perspective of why are you surprised? Did you just assume men are idiots when it comes to these things? We aren’t.

I mean, I did tell her something like that at one point but she was pretty dug in on her narrative about him not doing enough around the house, etc.

Latent gender biases can affect your perceptions. If you have a mom and a dad putting in equal effort at home, he is more likely to be praised for being so involved even though he never does the dishes, while she is more likely to be labeled as lazy because she never does the dishes. Unless you were living in their home, you know very little about their contributions at home.

Yes, I said that in my first post. I also think the truth lies somewhere in between and that probably wasn’t worth divorcing over, assuming that was the real problem. In any case, it seems like *he* wasn’t the source of her unhappiness as she continues to be unhappy, perhaps moreso. I wish I could help her find happiness. Because from where I sit, he seems to be perfectly happy and functional while my friend is just a mess.

So you’re admitting that he probably was at least something of a slacker pre-divorce and that some of her complaints may have merit?

Here’s the real issue, assuming you’re not a troll. If you divorce someone because of their unwillingness to do their fair share at home and then they struggle to maintain a proper household afterward, there’s a certain comfort in knowing that their laziness/slobbish mess is about them and not you. When a spouse of doesn’t pull their weigh suddenly starts post-divorce doing all of the things you wanted them to do pre-divorce, that means their failure to do it pre-divorce had nothing to do with ability and everything to do with simply not caring enough about you at any point during the marriage to put in the level of effort that they were clearly capable of post-divorce. It means they took you for granted and didn’t respect you, which puts and entirely different color on the marriage as a whole.

I am not “admitting” anything. I am saying I didn’t see any evidence of what she complained about but acknowledged you never know what happened behind closed doors. I will say based on the few times I have been in it, his home seems better kept than hers. Although maybe he has a cleaning service, who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always assume there are a lot of shitty dynamics at play that get you to a place where a women is investing so much energy into her household and a man investing none. It’s usually where a woman is investing way more time and effort into the household than her kids reasonably need, and he is pulling himself away from the household than us reasonable healthy (and not a reflection of his capabilities). It’s usually because there are already bigger issues in the marriage and they’re both subconsciously trying to make a point and digging their heels into their positions.

Regardless, I think women who convince themselves that all intense hard work and investment into their family is the only reason their kids are successful and their husbands career is going well…. I think those women are deluding themselves. But once you drink the koolaid and dive head first into that life, I guess that’s what you‘ve got to believe to sleep at night.

Hmm yeah OK. Let me know which one of these functions that I do exclusively is "way more time and effort" than my household reasonably needs:

- paying the mortgage
- paying all bills
- 80% of the childcare by time
- bathing children
- buying children's clothes
- 95% of the cooking
- 95% of the cleaning
- organizing house cleaners
- organizing all aspects of home maitenance
- all doctor & dentist appointments
- health insurance and medical bills
- obtaining an IEP and annual meetings and ensuring it is implemented
- all kid laundry
- coordinating kid social life
- camps
- kid contact with grandparents
- holiday planning, decorating, gift purchasing, relatives, meal cooking
- all gardening/landscaping

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh.That’s pretty common. Your friend should join a group for recently divorced moms so she can have someone to commiserate with.

OP here - but is that healthy? Thinking he was some unsupportive, incompetent boob had a lot to do with getting her to where she is today — is reinforcing that apparent fiction going to anything other than embitter her further? She needs to move on…. Maybe tough love is in order here?

Maybe he was unsupportive and incompetent and then he was forced to grow up.

You really don't sound like a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you a guy ? I’m surprised a woman would write a post like this

I think it's the OW or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always assume there are a lot of shitty dynamics at play that get you to a place where a women is investing so much energy into her household and a man investing none. It’s usually where a woman is investing way more time and effort into the household than her kids reasonably need, and he is pulling himself away from the household than us reasonable healthy (and not a reflection of his capabilities). It’s usually because there are already bigger issues in the marriage and they’re both subconsciously trying to make a point and digging their heels into their positions.

Regardless, I think women who convince themselves that all intense hard work and investment into their family is the only reason their kids are successful and their husbands career is going well…. I think those women are deluding themselves. But once you drink the koolaid and dive head first into that life, I guess that’s what you‘ve got to believe to sleep at night.

Hmm yeah OK. Let me know which one of these functions that I do exclusively is "way more time and effort" than my household reasonably needs:

- paying the mortgage
- paying all bills
- 80% of the childcare by time
- bathing children
- buying children's clothes
- 95% of the cooking
- 95% of the cleaning
- organizing house cleaners
- organizing all aspects of home maitenance
- all doctor & dentist appointments
- health insurance and medical bills
- obtaining an IEP and annual meetings and ensuring it is implemented
- all kid laundry
- coordinating kid social life
- camps
- kid contact with grandparents
- holiday planning, decorating, gift purchasing, relatives, meal cooking
- all gardening/landscaping

OP here. I didn't write the previous post. I'm also unsure why you are trying to hijack this to make it about you and your apparent grievances, however valid they may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh.That’s pretty common. Your friend should join a group for recently divorced moms so she can have someone to commiserate with.

OP here - but is that healthy? Thinking he was some unsupportive, incompetent boob had a lot to do with getting her to where she is today — is reinforcing that apparent fiction going to anything other than embitter her further? She needs to move on…. Maybe tough love is in order here?

Maybe he was unsupportive and incompetent and then he was forced to grow up.

You really don't sound like a friend.

So what do you propose I tell my friend, who is beside herself that her ex didn't melt down even as she seems to be doing just that?