And then the day comes: Long term partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this generated a lot of comments. So to update, I have now joined DH to support him as he cares for his father. Listen, I totally get that his long term partner wants to peace out — they weren’t married, she’s BTDT with previous husband, who knows how long her health holds out, etc. And FIL is a lot. He’s now quite frail, but as opinionated and stubborn as always and his resistance to measures that could make this stage of life easier, such as technological aids is making this situation sooo much harder.

But anyway, he still thinks that after this recovery period in his house he’s going to resume the alternating house thing with her. Partner has told us that that’s not happening, but has not spelled it out clearly to FIL. She is visiting him every day, but also while FIL was in rehab she took all of her things out of his house. Now home, he hasn’t noticed. Partner wanted DH to break the news to his father; DH told her she has to do it. I’m hoping she tells him sooner rather than later and we’re giving them privacy during her visits in the hopes that some important convos can happen. It will be a devastating shock, but hopefully we can then make realistic plans with him for DH’s immediate and long term care.

Visiting him daily is not "peace out". It sounds like you still have not wrapped your head around the idea that it is literally impossible for her to be his primary caregiver in a safe way.

Sometimes when an older person will not accept bad news, you just let them go along not accepting it for a while. It's okay. You don't need his acceptance to make a realistic plan. You know where he will be and that she will be a social visitor rather than a caregiver, and that should be enough for you to plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again - I am a 55 year old woman who is the caregiver for my severely disabled spouse. I read the article posted up thread with interest. It does seem that maintaining separate residences with someone you are dating/involved with in your later years is a wise idea. I've lately been noticing how everything involving health insurance, medicare, hospitalization discharge, and disability presumes that if the "loved one" has family members at home, those family members will take up the burden of care voluntarily and with no payment. But if the same person was living alone, there is often an actual billing code for this: "Patient has no support at home" or something like that, which qualifies them for more assistance. Or so it seems.

Our developmentally disabled sister lived with our parents until her early 50s. The amount of money she received when she lived at home was a pittance to what the group home received on her behalf. Fairly enraging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ideally, the GF should tell your FIL what the future plan is for their relationship and it will not include FIL staying/living with her at her home anymore.

However, since your DH and you are both there, I would suggest that all three of you sit with FIL and have a candid conversation about what his needs are and what kind of care he will need going forward. And it won't be long-term care provided by this elderly woman.

IMO a team approach may be best here. I am sure the GF will still visit FIL wherever he may wind up, as long as she is able. They can still have a relationship, it will just be different.

If the three of you can present a united, caring front whose interests are making sure FIL is cared for sufficiently, that would be best.

That's a very kind and mindful way to approach it with the FiL. Even if one may think the GF should step up and tell him directly, the group approach may offer him more comfort as he faces this transition.

[Anonymous]

I doubt that he's going to really take in such an upsetting piece of news right now, in his current condition. I would give it some time, be noncommittal, and bring it up when he's had a little more recovery time. Otherwise he'll just be in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this generated a lot of comments. So to update, I have now joined DH to support him as he cares for his father. Listen, I totally get that his long term partner wants to peace out — they weren’t married, she’s BTDT with previous husband, who knows how long her health holds out, etc. And FIL is a lot. He’s now quite frail, but as opinionated and stubborn as always and his resistance to measures that could make this stage of life easier, such as technological aids is making this situation sooo much harder.

But anyway, he still thinks that after this recovery period in his house he’s going to resume the alternating house thing with her. Partner has told us that that’s not happening, but has not spelled it out clearly to FIL. She is visiting him every day, but also while FIL was in rehab she took all of her things out of his house. Now home, he hasn’t noticed. Partner wanted DH to break the news to his father; DH told her she has to do it. I’m hoping she tells him sooner rather than later and we’re giving them privacy during her visits in the hopes that some important convos can happen. It will be a devastating shock, but hopefully we can then make realistic plans with him for DH’s immediate and long term care.

Visiting him daily is not "peace out". It sounds like you still have not wrapped your head around the idea that it is literally impossible for her to be his primary caregiver in a safe way.

Sometimes when an older person will not accept bad news, you just let them go along not accepting it for a while. It's okay. You don't need his acceptance to make a realistic plan. You know where he will be and that she will be a social visitor rather than a caregiver, and that should be enough for you to plan.

+1
She's not dumping him, but she is making clear that she won't be his primary caregiver. Which is totally understandable and reasonable and for the best. OP is still acting like this was the GF's responsibility and she's declining. But it isn't.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I get that she isn’t and never intended on being his caregiver, isn’t capable of being his caregiver and should not be expected to be his caregiver in the future. Geez. But clearly he’s assumed that this was the nature of their relationship. When asked by the visiting nurse, do you live alone, he answered well when I finish healing, I have a partner that I live with….

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she was not really happy with the relationship as it was before the medical situation, and this provides a natural break which she wants to capitalize on. For instance, maybe she was already irriated how the situation evolved into FIL spending every night there but getting "his office" home during the day. So when the opportunity arose she's taking advantage of it, but because she's sort of a pushover in the first place (meaning, not good at putting up boundaries) that is why she wants to use FIL's son as a fence, to do all the dirty work of creating new boundaries.

Maybe her coming in every day is part of guilt and they will ultimately break up as soon as she thinks he's well enough to hear that news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should have put a ring on it!!

She’s not inheriting his assets presumably so why do you expect an 85 year old to take care of him? Sorry, your going to have to spend your husbands inheritance on caregivers

When they live long enough, it is too much even within a marriage.

My Dad(90) was hospitalized for a month. When he is ready to be discharged, my mom (85) said she could not take care of him. He stayed with me for 2 months till he is mobile and independent again, then moved back to their condo.

There is no way I would let anybody recuperate/die in my house except immediate family.

[Anonymous]

My mom had a similar situation. But she was clear on his move out day! Her partner had a knee replacement. She felt he enjoyed the doting a little bit too much but still indulged him and also made sure he vacated completely once he could drive. She's no fool!

The only weird part is that this woman is not having this conversation with him herself. She should not be leaving it to you to inform FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get that she isn’t and never intended on being his caregiver, isn’t capable of being his caregiver and should not be expected to be his caregiver in the future. Geez. But clearly he’s assumed that this was the nature of their relationship. When asked by the visiting nurse, do you live alone, he answered well when I finish healing, I have a partner that I live with….

Well, if he wrongly assumed something, that is on him. And he, like you, should not base caregiving plans on an elderly woman. It's a dumb idea even if she were willing.

Sounds like your dad is in denial or feels entitled to her caring for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get that she isn’t and never intended on being his caregiver, isn’t capable of being his caregiver and should not be expected to be his caregiver in the future. Geez. But clearly he’s assumed that this was the nature of their relationship. When asked by the visiting nurse, do you live alone, he answered well when I finish healing, I have a partner that I live with….

NP here. Look, lots of people of all ages hear what they want to hear, will deny to themselves reality about all kinds of situations, Your FIL is no different So many elderly people are in complete and utter denial about what is plain and simple right in front of them. Any rational and reasonable person understands that she has moved out, that she is not living with him and she is not his caregiver. I know you seem frustrated with your FIL's refusal to grasp reality, but there you are. It is not his partner's fault, it's not your fault, it's not your DH's fault. It is FIL's fault.

You can't force him to accept it. Who cares how he replies to the nurse during recovery. The situation is what it is and that's the end of it. Stop twisting yourself into knots over the girlfriend. She's not part of the equation. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Happened to a friend. They let the girlfriend be the caregiver and he died recently, over age 90. They found out he had a new will leaving all his assets to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happened to a friend. They let the girlfriend be the caregiver and he died recently, over age 90. They found out he had a new will leaving all his assets to her.

Do you think that was wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get that she isn’t and never intended on being his caregiver, isn’t capable of being his caregiver and should not be expected to be his caregiver in the future. Geez. But clearly he’s assumed that this was the nature of their relationship. When asked by the visiting nurse, do you live alone, he answered well when I finish healing, I have a partner that I live with….

Well, if he wrongly assumed something, that is on him. And he, like you, should not base caregiving plans on an elderly woman. It's a dumb idea even if she were willing.

Sounds like your dad is in denial or feels entitled to her caring for him.

Welll he did care for her through multiple surgeries. So I don’t think an expectation of reciprocity is entirely out of place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get that she isn’t and never intended on being his caregiver, isn’t capable of being his caregiver and should not be expected to be his caregiver in the future. Geez. But clearly he’s assumed that this was the nature of their relationship. When asked by the visiting nurse, do you live alone, he answered well when I finish healing, I have a partner that I live with….

Well, if he wrongly assumed something, that is on him. And he, like you, should not base caregiving plans on an elderly woman. It's a dumb idea even if she were willing.

Sounds like your dad is in denial or feels entitled to her caring for him.

Welll he did care for her through multiple surgeries. So I don’t think an expectation of reciprocity is entirely out of place.

You can expect whatever you want, but the bottom line is she's too old for this. When he cared for her, they were both younger. Things change.