And then the day comes: Long term partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Men are far more likely to abandon ship when caretaking becomes necessary than women are.

https://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=116618&page=1

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

See also https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

[Anonymous]

I agree with most of the posters but I understand why the OP isn't upset. My FIL has been in the same kind of relationship with his partner for the past 25 years. Not married, 2 homes, spends most of the time at her home but he mainstains his own home as ewll. They are not married on paper, but in practice, their relationship can only be described as that. There is a lot of congnitive dissonance to manage when you've been interacting with a parent and their partner as if they were married and treating that person as if they are part of the family, only to have the rubber meet the road so abruptly.

I'm not saying that his girlfriend isn't right to set these boundaires--I think in this case she is. But again, the OP understandbly is dealing with the cognitive dissonance of a relationship that may have only existed in the OP's mind along with the realties of eldercare.

[Anonymous]

*is upset* typo...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, if he moves in he isn't moving out. She has her boundaries.

+1 Any older woman who has kept finances and domiciles separate for 20+ years has her reasons, and I'm sure not playing caretaker in her old age is up there on that list. OP shouldn't be gobsmacked that this EXPLICITLY AND INTENTIONALLY unmarried couple behaves differently than a married couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with most of the posters but I understand why the OP isn't upset. My FIL has been in the same kind of relationship with his partner for the past 25 years. Not married, 2 homes, spends most of the time at her home but he mainstains his own home as ewll. They are not married on paper, but in practice, their relationship can only be described as that. There is a lot of congnitive dissonance to manage when you've been interacting with a parent and their partner as if they were married and treating that person as if they are part of the family, only to have the rubber meet the road so abruptly.

I'm not saying that his girlfriend isn't right to set these boundaires--I think in this case she is. But again, the OP understandbly is dealing with the cognitive dissonance of a relationship that may have only existed in the OP's mind along with the realties of eldercare.

Oh FFS. Someone's part of the family even if they aren't capable of caregiving at their advanced age! She's drawing some hard lines for FIl and her own safety but that doesn't mean she doesn't love him or isn't part of the family.

The cognitive dissonance here is the adult children realizing they have been in denial of their parent's needs for way too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with most of the posters but I understand why the OP isn't upset. My FIL has been in the same kind of relationship with his partner for the past 25 years. Not married, 2 homes, spends most of the time at her home but he mainstains his own home as ewll. They are not married on paper, but in practice, their relationship can only be described as that. There is a lot of congnitive dissonance to manage when you've been interacting with a parent and their partner as if they were married and treating that person as if they are part of the family, only to have the rubber meet the road so abruptly.

I'm not saying that his girlfriend isn't right to set these boundaires--I think in this case she is. But again, the OP understandbly is dealing with the cognitive dissonance of a relationship that may have only existed in the OP's mind along with the realties of eldercare.

Oh FFS. Someone's part of the family even if they aren't capable of caregiving at their advanced age! She's drawing some hard lines for FIl and her own safety but that doesn't mean she doesn't love him or isn't part of the family.

The cognitive dissonance here is the adult children realizing they have been in denial of their parent's needs for way too long.

Agree. What the hell difference would it make if they were married? She is still a frail, elderly woman who is in no position to provide the level of care for him he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No big deal, OP. He can recuperate on his own. Ask her to drop by to help him.

As another person said, use his money to hire help. You cannot ask her to drop by to help him. That is free labor as she is not his spouse. I would show enormous gratitude for anything she does or offers to do. You are in the will, she is not. It's the same as a long term friendship. Be grateful for anything the friends do, but it is not their job to care for the parent.

My own mother who is/was married to my dad tried to pawn off everything on me because she could not deal. She wanted to inherit, just not do the work. So we finally convinced her to spend his hard earned money on help.

Wow, seeing this a bit with my MiL and didn't realize it may be more universal. TBH, it may have just been an adjustment phase but she carries on as if she was the first person who has had to be a caregiver to a spouse/relative. I've been through this three times and this is the first for her aside from raising her kids. I am trying to be more patient with her attitude, but it is not easy.

OP, there are a lot of good insights here for you and your DH. Focus on what senior services exist for him, what kind of care does he require, etc. And as others suggested, always express appreciation for whenever she is of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with most of the posters but I understand why the OP isn't upset. My FIL has been in the same kind of relationship with his partner for the past 25 years. Not married, 2 homes, spends most of the time at her home but he mainstains his own home as ewll. They are not married on paper, but in practice, their relationship can only be described as that. There is a lot of congnitive dissonance to manage when you've been interacting with a parent and their partner as if they were married and treating that person as if they are part of the family, only to have the rubber meet the road so abruptly.

I'm not saying that his girlfriend isn't right to set these boundaires--I think in this case she is. But again, the OP understandbly is dealing with the cognitive dissonance of a relationship that may have only existed in the OP's mind along with the realties of eldercare.

Oh FFS. Someone's part of the family even if they aren't capable of caregiving at their advanced age! She's drawing some hard lines for FIl and her own safety but that doesn't mean she doesn't love him or isn't part of the family.

The cognitive dissonance here is the adult children realizing they have been in denial of their parent's needs for way too long.

Yes. Look, DH now recognizes that his father was probably faltering longer than he realized and that he should have probably stopped going into his workplace well before that. DH sees that his mom wanted her husband out of the house so she wouldn't have to care for/entertain him, so ignored the reasons why he should not have gone into his office.

OP, sounds like your FiL may have needed help for awhile and has now been exposed. GL in handling it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am not shocked at all. Is she a widow? Once you have been through helping your own parents and helping a spouse who is ill presumably for years, possibly decades, you have no more caregiver left in you. I wouldn't be so sure he would have taken her in. In fact many actual make spouses are quicker to put the wife in AL, Memory care or a nursing home when things go south and no judgment there as long as they visit and are very caring. I'm just middle age and have been at this caregiving thing for a long time between just helping parents, a husband who had a serious illness, etc. If my husband dies before I do down the line I may date, but no way am I remarrying. I would be there a significant other, but not take on this level of care. I love my husband and would do anything for him, but he is the last person I do this for unless my kids need me or a grandchild needs me.

+1 from a widow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am not shocked at all. Is she a widow? Once you have been through helping your own parents and helping a spouse who is ill presumably for years, possibly decades, you have no more caregiver left in you. I wouldn't be so sure he would have taken her in. In fact many actual make spouses are quicker to put the wife in AL, Memory care or a nursing home when things go south and no judgment there as long as they visit and are very caring. I'm just middle age and have been at this caregiving thing for a long time between just helping parents, a husband who had a serious illness, etc. If my husband dies before I do down the line I may date, but no way am I remarrying. I would be there a significant other, but not take on this level of care. I love my husband and would do anything for him, but he is the last person I do this for unless my kids need me or a grandchild needs me.

+1 from a widow.

+1 from another widow.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't want to be his nurse or his purse. It's a thing. They were both in comitted married relationships before, this is companionship for part 2, which worked out, but it is not the same as part 1, with each having family of their own. They both didn't marry for a reason. Im sure she will be involved with him, but she wants his primary care to come from the family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow this generated a lot of comments. So to update, I have now joined DH to support him as he cares for his father. Listen, I totally get that his long term partner wants to peace out — they weren’t married, she’s BTDT with previous husband, who knows how long her health holds out, etc. And FIL is a lot. He’s now quite frail, but as opinionated and stubborn as always and his resistance to measures that could make this stage of life easier, such as technological aids is making this situation sooo much harder.

But anyway, he still thinks that after this recovery period in his house he’s going to resume the alternating house thing with her. Partner has told us that that’s not happening, but has not spelled it out clearly to FIL. She is visiting him every day, but also while FIL was in rehab she took all of her things out of his house. Now home, he hasn’t noticed. Partner wanted DH to break the news to his father; DH told her she has to do it. I’m hoping she tells him sooner rather than later and we’re giving them privacy during her visits in the hopes that some important convos can happen. It will be a devastating shock, but hopefully we can then make realistic plans with him for DH’s immediate and long term care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this generated a lot of comments. So to update, I have now joined DH to support him as he cares for his father. Listen, I totally get that his long term partner wants to peace out — they weren’t married, she’s BTDT with previous husband, who knows how long her health holds out, etc. And FIL is a lot. He’s now quite frail, but as opinionated and stubborn as always and his resistance to measures that could make this stage of life easier, such as technological aids is making this situation sooo much harder.

But anyway, he still thinks that after this recovery period in his house he’s going to resume the alternating house thing with her. Partner has told us that that’s not happening, but has not spelled it out clearly to FIL. She is visiting him every day, but also while FIL was in rehab she took all of her things out of his house. Now home, he hasn’t noticed. Partner wanted DH to break the news to his father; DH told her she has to do it. I’m hoping she tells him sooner rather than later and we’re giving them privacy during her visits in the hopes that some important convos can happen. It will be a devastating shock, but hopefully we can then make realistic plans with him for DH’s immediate and long term care.

Oops! * FIL’s long term care.

[Anonymous]

Ideally, the GF should tell your FIL what the future plan is for their relationship and it will not include FIL staying/living with her at her home anymore.

However, since your DH and you are both there, I would suggest that all three of you sit with FIL and have a candid conversation about what his needs are and what kind of care he will need going forward. And it won't be long-term care provided by this elderly woman.

IMO a team approach may be best here. I am sure the GF will still visit FIL wherever he may wind up, as long as she is able. They can still have a relationship, it will just be different.

If the three of you can present a united, caring front whose interests are making sure FIL is cared for sufficiently, that would be best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this generated a lot of comments. So to update, I have now joined DH to support him as he cares for his father. Listen, I totally get that his long term partner wants to peace out — they weren’t married, she’s BTDT with previous husband, who knows how long her health holds out, etc. And FIL is a lot. He’s now quite frail, but as opinionated and stubborn as always and his resistance to measures that could make this stage of life easier, such as technological aids is making this situation sooo much harder.

But anyway, he still thinks that after this recovery period in his house he’s going to resume the alternating house thing with her. Partner has told us that that’s not happening, but has not spelled it out clearly to FIL. She is visiting him every day, but also while FIL was in rehab she took all of her things out of his house. Now home, he hasn’t noticed. Partner wanted DH to break the news to his father; DH told her she has to do it. I’m hoping she tells him sooner rather than later and we’re giving them privacy during her visits in the hopes that some important convos can happen. It will be a devastating shock, but hopefully we can then make realistic plans with him for DH’s immediate and long term care.

This is no longer about caregiving, then. He understands that he is living in his own home, and when he tries to resume the "functionally living at her house," she can deal with it. You understand that this elderly woman was never going to be his primary caregiver. She's not going to be his maid and nurse and cook. That will be on you to manage. The rest of it is about their relationship, which is not for you to meddle in. They might have grown apart or ended the relationship for a million reasons anyway.