And then the day comes: Long term partner

[Anonymous]

My FIL, 89, has been in a committed long term relationship with a woman his age for close to twenty years. They have kept their finances separate and maintain separate homes in the same town, splitting between both, although recently FIL has been staying primarily at her place and going to his place every day as if it’s an office. They have had an active life together: travel, book clubs, concerts, visits and holidays with children from both families. She additionally is a dedicated musician, has been deeply involved as a board member in a local organization. They are both quite cerebral and opinionated, and all the children agree that they have been really good for each other over the years. Her health has been generally good for her 85+ age, and FIL nursed her through hip and knee replacements. He has prostate cancer (under treatment) and finally got hearing aids.

Well a week ago FIL slipped on some ice and badly broke his arm, landing in the hospital. DH flew across the country to be with his father. FIL fully expects to go back to her home, where they’ve primarily been living, when he’s released, but his partner has told my husband that she doesn’ t want him to return there; she wants him to convalesce at his place. When pressed, she said their relationship is based on a certain amount of distance and independence between them and she doesn’t want that to change. I get it, they’re not married, but I’m kind of gobsmacked. If roles were reversed I am sure he would be there for her.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did it play out? They live in a smallish city out West. It’s not the boonies, but it’s also not DC, and neither has children who live locally.

[Anonymous]

No big deal, OP. He can recuperate on his own. Ask her to drop by to help him.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, if he moves in he isn't moving out. She has her boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Be grateful that he didn't remarry. Use his money and help him get caregivers. If she wasn't there, you'd be helping so really nothing has changed.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this before. She does not want to be his caretaker. She views that as your job. She is seeking companionship but will not assume responsibility for him when he declines. It was good while it lasted.

[Anonymous]

It makes sense to me. Maybe the reason they've lived apart for 20 years is because she doesn't want to be his caregiver or financially responsible for him. She'd rather they each lean on their families for end of life care. Reasonable.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't want to be his nursemaid and based on their arrangement it seems reasonable. Take her at her word and make other arrangements for your FIL. And know that going forward you can't overly rely on her. I'm guessing your 89 FIL may be worse off that you think and she is overwhelmed by it.

[Anonymous]

OP I am not shocked at all. Is she a widow? Once you have been through helping your own parents and helping a spouse who is ill presumably for years, possibly decades, you have no more caregiver left in you. I wouldn't be so sure he would have taken her in. In fact many actual make spouses are quicker to put the wife in AL, Memory care or a nursing home when things go south and no judgment there as long as they visit and are very caring. I'm just middle age and have been at this caregiving thing for a long time between just helping parents, a husband who had a serious illness, etc. If my husband dies before I do down the line I may date, but no way am I remarrying. I would be there a significant other, but not take on this level of care. I love my husband and would do anything for him, but he is the last person I do this for unless my kids need me or a grandchild needs me.

[Anonymous]

Older women who meet older men later in life know there is a risk that they will end up caring for them. Some don't want to spend their last good years as caregivers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No big deal, OP. He can recuperate on his own. Ask her to drop by to help him.

As another person said, use his money to hire help. You cannot ask her to drop by to help him. That is free labor as she is not his spouse. I would show enormous gratitude for anything she does or offers to do. You are in the will, she is not. It's the same as a long term friendship. Be grateful for anything the friends do, but it is not their job to care for the parent.

My own mother who is/was married to my dad tried to pawn off everything on me because she could not deal. She wanted to inherit, just not do the work. So we finally convinced her to spend his hard earned money on help.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the quick replies. We’ll she see if she has the cajones to communicate this directly to my FIL rather than telling it to DH, but then caveating “but don’t tell FIL.”

[Anonymous]

You seem really angry at her. Even though almost everyone said this is normal and reasonable.

There's a reason why BOTH your FIL and she chose the set up that they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the quick replies. We’ll she see if she has the cajones to communicate this directly to my FIL rather than telling it to DH, but then caveating “but don’t tell FIL.”

If I were DH I would just tell her that I'm staying out of the conversation. And then do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the quick replies. We’ll she see if she has the cajones to communicate this directly to my FIL rather than telling it to DH, but then caveating “but don’t tell FIL.”

Yeah. Until you've been in her shoes, I suggest you dial back the resentment. Caregiving is no joke. You're younger and fitter, you can organize some paid help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the quick replies. We’ll she see if she has the cajones to communicate this directly to my FIL rather than telling it to DH, but then caveating “but don’t tell FIL.”

He's 89, you say she's a similar age. You are literally expecting her to give up the last years of her life for your dad. Are you certain that not wanting to be a care giver isn't one of the reasons that they never married?