And then the day comes: Long term partner

[Anonymous]

Whether married or not, people that age should not be primarily responsible for each other when one is convalescing. The risk of injury to the other is too great. My parents and their friends are that age, and some of them have been in these situations, and their doctors always recommend a rehab place or in home nursing visits, and will not release them to the care of the other if there is any mobility or stability issue. Some stubbornly refuse and go home together against doctor's orders, but it really isn't safe for either of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether married or not, people that age should not be primarily responsible for each other when one is convalescing. The risk of injury to the other is too great. My parents and their friends are that age, and some of them have been in these situations, and their doctors always recommend a rehab place or in home nursing visits, and will not release them to the care of the other if there is any mobility or stability issue. Some stubbornly refuse and go home together against doctor's orders, but it really isn't safe for either of them.

I have found that insurance companies too often dictate when a patient is released, mobility and safety notwithstanding. An elderly spouse or partner would be pressured into accepting the discharge by both the medical team and the patient. Good for FIL's partner in recognizing her own limitations and voicing them to his son.

[Anonymous]

This is not unusual, and her FIL's partner sounds very sensible:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/16/well/family/older-singles-living-apart-LAT.html?unlocked_article_code=9HUFnluBLKw3nddIbsBMeEaNeVnSjVju8Y-rAUh9s5e3Vu_k2S44p6i1F63YmpzJ4iZ4Bbbc_6KXKjslFMLAilpagu-6c_nxvFJtSxf9YujskoymeduWA1nYQzRwu9W-yPsWGWl-3Ghc2f16t32Nu_G8ydXP6UK3y5Dn_PzY5XdllHW3Da-7bgjaQqyKRCyodfHZMRzMpOKg883QD0OvugI28aIdlDdNeVLzPBjSlhVeyNBwh93qVKV0aJAua_qxUyiFd0FAWyny92VbntkGRxi42pUrlu3VyBWVDrS08m6Kj7Ck2GHAoYNaJQNmwDjSAj3nO4kPNqQPuxmz70YAHAwNbzWeFY3lKijI3Q&smid=share-url

[Anonymous]

I think this woman is an stand up person. She was interested in your dad for himself and not just his money. So many of our parents have married gold diggers who marry for only a year or two and then take everything when the man passes on. She's provided your dad with great companionship. But she understands her limits and does not want to have to take care of him like a spouse would. That's very reasonable.

When your parent is single, it's the kids' responsibility. I'm very sorry you're in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not unusual, and her FIL's partner sounds very sensible:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/16/well/family/older-singles-living-apart-LAT.html?unlocked_article_code=9HUFnluBLKw3nddIbsBMeEaNeVnSjVju8Y-rAUh9s5e3Vu_k2S44p6i1F63YmpzJ4iZ4Bbbc_6KXKjslFMLAilpagu-6c_nxvFJtSxf9YujskoymeduWA1nYQzRwu9W-yPsWGWl-3Ghc2f16t32Nu_G8ydXP6UK3y5Dn_PzY5XdllHW3Da-7bgjaQqyKRCyodfHZMRzMpOKg883QD0OvugI28aIdlDdNeVLzPBjSlhVeyNBwh93qVKV0aJAua_qxUyiFd0FAWyny92VbntkGRxi42pUrlu3VyBWVDrS08m6Kj7Ck2GHAoYNaJQNmwDjSAj3nO4kPNqQPuxmz70YAHAwNbzWeFY3lKijI3Q&smid=share-url

Thanks for posting this article. It was a very interesting and informative read.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why everyone is beating up on OP - when things have been going smoothly with elderly parents, and you don’t live nearby to see physical issues or progression into old age, it’s hard to judge what they may or may not be capable of. As others have said it’s really good that she is pulling back from being his caretaker for this- it’s way too physically demanding and it will give your dh the opportunity to set up caregivers and start to think about backup plans for when a bigger decline starts. In my experience falls and elderly are really tough to bounce back from and often tipping point into a decline in health. I think you can make it easier on his partner by taking over and telling him the best thing for him is to rehab at home and set it up so he’s taken care of properly and not forcing her into telling him no thanks re caregiver position. They sound like they have a really nice companionship/relationship and hopefully that can continue when he’s healthy again. My 85+ yo completely with it widowed mom has also had two hip replacements and there is NO way if want her taking care of someone else on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why everyone is beating up on OP - when things have been going smoothly with elderly parents, and you don’t live nearby to see physical issues or progression into old age, it’s hard to judge what they may or may not be capable of. As others have said it’s really good that she is pulling back from being his caretaker for this- it’s way too physically demanding and it will give your dh the opportunity to set up caregivers and start to think about backup plans for when a bigger decline starts. In my experience falls and elderly are really tough to bounce back from and often tipping point into a decline in health. I think you can make it easier on his partner by taking over and telling him the best thing for him is to rehab at home and set it up so he’s taken care of properly and not forcing her into telling him no thanks re caregiver position. They sound like they have a really nice companionship/relationship and hopefully that can continue when he’s healthy again. My 85+ yo completely with it widowed mom has also had two hip replacements and there is NO way if want her taking care of someone else on her own.

I think people are criticizing OP (not sure it qualifies as "beating up") because s/he seems to think that there's something wrong with FIL's partner that she doesn't want to be a full-time live-in caregiver, like she's ungrateful or a bad girlfriend, or has some obligation to take care of FIL. People are mostly just pointing out that it's not reasonable to expect that, for a variety of reasons, and that there are very good reasons why the partner doesn't want to or isn't able to take on that role and responsibility.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have an interesting story to tell. Many adult children of elders need to be aware of - when it's not marriage, it's not marriage. And even if it were, people may not step-up as you would hope/expect. No reason posters needs to exaggerate motive/intent. It's a good thread.

[Anonymous]

Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the quick replies. We’ll she see if she has the cajones to communicate this directly to my FIL rather than telling it to DH, but then caveating “but don’t tell FIL.”

Cajones are drawers. I think the word you're looking for is 'cojones'. Gross cultural appropriation, especially when you can't even get it right.

Here's an article that has a whole paragraph on cojones if you don't understand why you're wrong to use it - https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2021/05/05/cinco-de-mayo-americans-speak-mock-spanish-heres-why-thats-problem/

And let your DH and FIL figure this out.

It's nice of you to make a truly eye-roll worthy post, to draw some of the fire from OP.

Language is cultural appropriation, ours mostly from French, Latin, etc. With fluid borders, it’s natural to incorporate words from different languages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Of course and she would understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Of course and she would understand that.

OP did say her father had nursed his partner through hip surgery as well as knee surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Of course and she would understand that.

OP did say her father had nursed his partner through hip surgery as well as knee surgery.

That doesn't mean she's obligated to care for him no matter how old or incapable she gets. Or that it's a good idea. If you hired a caregiver and she showed up and said "I'm 80 years old and totally not up to this job" would you think this is a great plan and hire her anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Of course and she would understand that.

OP did say her father had nursed his partner through hip surgery as well as knee surgery.

That doesn't mean she's obligated to care for him no matter how old or incapable she gets. Or that it's a good idea. If you hired a caregiver and she showed up and said "I'm 80 years old and totally not up to this job" would you think this is a great plan and hire her anyway?

yeah, I understand where you are coming from, but it does sound as though OP's dad did some significant caregiving at one point recently. And the dad's long term partner accepted it. Someone posted "of course and she would understand that" but she DID accept the help after the hip and knee surgery, which can be at least several weeks of needing help, correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Of course and she would understand that.

OP did say her father had nursed his partner through hip surgery as well as knee surgery.

But when, and how much nursing did she need? And was it a good idea for him to do it, or was it kindly meant but ill-advised? My father got sent home from his hip replacement earlier than my mother would have liked. He'd have been better off with someone stronger looking after him, and my mom knew it but had no choice.