Mom speaking to child in another language during playdate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and did with my three kids. I don’t speak to my children extensively during play dates except to offer a quick direction or two.

Yes exactly...

It is extremely hard to raise a bilingual child in the US. If a parent makes exceptions and speaks to the child in the majority language when they are in public, then this has a very disruptive effect on the relationship and kids will most likely start responding to the parent not in the target language. Everybody has different goals for their children's bilingualism and that is perfectly fine, but if you want your child to have a high level of fluency, you can't just switch to the community language every time you leave the house or are in public. Also, it subconsciously teaches the kids that your language is not as important or is something to be embarrassed about. We do OPOL and my DH always speaks to the kids in his language and my fam is perfectly fine with it and it really is fine. DC playgrounds - DH doesnt give a crap what people think about what language hes speaking and most people want their kid to hear him speaking his language anyway. We are in a community with lots of bilingual families and the parents that switch to English in public do not have kids kids that respond to them in their language - that is the honest truth.

Some parents prioritize early bilingualism at all costs. Other parents prioritize raising children with basic manners.


Everyone's got choices.

No you chose self consciousness and self hate over family
Relationships and being able to communicate in heritage/native languages. All the rationalization in the world doesn’t change that.

No, I choose teaching my children basic manners and social mores over someone else's rude family. Speaking a language other's don't understand when you are socializing with them is rude. All the "rationalization" in the world doesn't change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and did with my three kids. I don’t speak to my children extensively during play dates except to offer a quick direction or two.

Yes exactly...

It is extremely hard to raise a bilingual child in the US. If a parent makes exceptions and speaks to the child in the majority language when they are in public, then this has a very disruptive effect on the relationship and kids will most likely start responding to the parent not in the target language. Everybody has different goals for their children's bilingualism and that is perfectly fine, but if you want your child to have a high level of fluency, you can't just switch to the community language every time you leave the house or are in public. Also, it subconsciously teaches the kids that your language is not as important or is something to be embarrassed about. We do OPOL and my DH always speaks to the kids in his language and my fam is perfectly fine with it and it really is fine. DC playgrounds - DH doesnt give a crap what people think about what language hes speaking and most people want their kid to hear him speaking his language anyway. We are in a community with lots of bilingual families and the parents that switch to English in public do not have kids kids that respond to them in their language - that is the honest truth.

Some parents prioritize early bilingualism at all costs. Other parents prioritize raising children with basic manners.


Everyone's got choices.

No you chose self consciousness and self hate over family
Relationships and being able to communicate in heritage/native languages. All the rationalization in the world doesn’t change that.

No, I choose teaching my children basic manners and social mores over someone else's rude family. Speaking a language other's don't understand when you are socializing with them is rude. All the "rationalization" in the world doesn't change that.

Dp. All of the explanations in the world won't change your[b] view.

[Anonymous]

NOT a big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Yes, if you feel a certain way that means everyone else feels the exact same way. Got it.

I’m just telling you a very common thing in bi and trilingual families.

And I'm just telling you that speaks very poorly of very common bi and trilingual families.

Why tho?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s necessarily rude (I can imagine a situation where it is, but it would have to be extreme). But it is exclusive and does inhibit socializing on the play date. Not just between the kids but also between the parents, as well as between the kids and the other child’s parent. It creates divisions so the environment is less communal and social. I can understand OP feeling a little put off by it.

I think it’s interesting that many responses on the thread point out the value of doing this in order to encourage bilingual speech in kids, without acknowledging that there is a social cost. Personally, I would weigh those against each other equally— I value my child learning another language, but I also value connections with other families and wanting my child to feel she belongs not just to our family but to a broader community.

I know a family who only spoke a non-English language to their kids until they entered preschool, which as totally traumatic. Being a non-English speaker in school is terribly stressful. One of their kids was practically mute in school for years afterward. Literally did not speak, although he could. We lost track of them in high school so not sure what happened after that.

Oh please this is complete BS- if they were truly mute that long, then it was due to some other reasons. I have worked with hundreds of kids coming into school not knowing English and literally none of them were really mute and all of them communicating perfectly fine after 6 months - to a year at the most.

Yes, he wasn't really mute. He could talk. He just didn't. Not complete BS at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and did with my three kids. I don’t speak to my children extensively during play dates except to offer a quick direction or two.

Yes exactly...

It is extremely hard to raise a bilingual child in the US. If a parent makes exceptions and speaks to the child in the majority language when they are in public, then this has a very disruptive effect on the relationship and kids will most likely start responding to the parent not in the target language. Everybody has different goals for their children's bilingualism and that is perfectly fine, but if you want your child to have a high level of fluency, you can't just switch to the community language every time you leave the house or are in public. Also, it subconsciously teaches the kids that your language is not as important or is something to be embarrassed about. We do OPOL and my DH always speaks to the kids in his language and my fam is perfectly fine with it and it really is fine. DC playgrounds - DH doesnt give a crap what people think about what language hes speaking and most people want their kid to hear him speaking his language anyway. We are in a community with lots of bilingual families and the parents that switch to English in public do not have kids kids that respond to them in their language - that is the honest truth.

Or you could just teach them that it's rude to speak in another language when you're with people who don't understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Yes, if you feel a certain way that means everyone else feels the exact same way. Got it.

I’m just telling you a very common thing in bi and trilingual families.

And I'm just telling you that speaks very poorly of very common bi and trilingual families.

Why tho?

BECAUSE IT'S RUDE. You're basically saying that teaching your child to be bi or trilingual is more important to you than teaching them manners. And that speaks very poorly of bi and trilingual familes -- that they are raising rude children.

Hate to say it, but many people on this thread may not realize it's the norm to not speak in another language in front of those that don't understand it because they are from somewhere else. But that's the norm here. So now you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s necessarily rude (I can imagine a situation where it is, but it would have to be extreme). But it is exclusive and does inhibit socializing on the play date. Not just between the kids but also between the parents, as well as between the kids and the other child’s parent. It creates divisions so the environment is less communal and social. I can understand OP feeling a little put off by it.

I think it’s interesting that many responses on the thread point out the value of doing this in order to encourage bilingual speech in kids, without acknowledging that there is a social cost. Personally, I would weigh those against each other equally— I value my child learning another language, but I also value connections with other families and wanting my child to feel she belongs not just to our family but to a broader community.

I know a family who only spoke a non-English language to their kids until they entered preschool, which as totally traumatic. Being a non-English speaker in school is terribly stressful. One of their kids was practically mute in school for years afterward. Literally did not speak, although he could. We lost track of them in high school so not sure what happened after that.

Oh please this is complete BS- if they were truly mute that long, then it was due to some other reasons. I have worked with hundreds of kids coming into school not knowing English and literally none of them were really mute and all of them communicating perfectly fine after 6 months - to a year at the most.

Yes, he wasn't really mute. He could talk. He just didn't. Not complete BS at all.

There are kids with selective mutism whose parents only speak English. You're confusing causation with correlation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Yes, if you feel a certain way that means everyone else feels the exact same way. Got it.

I’m just telling you a very common thing in bi and trilingual families.

And I'm just telling you that speaks very poorly of very common bi and trilingual families.

Why tho?

BECAUSE IT'S RUDE. You're basically saying that teaching your child to be bi or trilingual is more important to you than teaching them manners. And that speaks very poorly of bi and trilingual familes -- that they are raising rude children.

Hate to say it, but many people on this thread may not realize it's the norm to not speak in another language in front of those that don't understand it because they are from somewhere else. But that's the norm here. So now you know.

Sounds a lot like a white supremacist cultural norm to me...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Yes, if you feel a certain way that means everyone else feels the exact same way. Got it.

I’m just telling you a very common thing in bi and trilingual families.

And I'm just telling you that speaks very poorly of very common bi and trilingual families.

Why tho?

BECAUSE IT'S RUDE. You're basically saying that teaching your child to be bi or trilingual is more important to you than teaching them manners. And that speaks very poorly of bi and trilingual familes -- that they are raising rude children.

Hate to say it, but many people on this thread may not realize it's the norm to not speak in another language in front of those that don't understand it because they are from somewhere else. But that's the norm here. So now you know.

So, if you go to a museum and there are Japanese tourists you just don't speak till they leave? Do you never vacation in a country where you don't speak the language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Yes, if you feel a certain way that means everyone else feels the exact same way. Got it.

I’m just telling you a very common thing in bi and trilingual families.

And I'm just telling you that speaks very poorly of very common bi and trilingual families.

Why tho?

BECAUSE IT'S RUDE. You're basically saying that teaching your child to be bi or trilingual is more important to you than teaching them manners. And that speaks very poorly of bi and trilingual familes -- that they are raising rude children.

Hate to say it, but many people on this thread may not realize it's the norm to not speak in another language in front of those that don't understand it because they are from somewhere else. But that's the norm here. So now you know.

Is IS more important. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Enough people seem to agree for us not to be bothered with those who don’t.

[Anonymous]

To me, this completely depends on age.

There are lots of things that are rude if one adult does it in front of another adult, that are totally normal in adult-small child interactions. For example, it is rude to discuss urination at a party, unless you're a parent asking your three year if they have to pee, in which case it's rude not to if it if prevents an accident. It's rude to visit someone's house and take a nap in the middle of the day, unless you're a little kid.

A small child needs the consistency of using the same language with their parents all the time. Over about 10, it's polite to switch to the common language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and did with my three kids. I don’t speak to my children extensively during play dates except to offer a quick direction or two.

Yes exactly...

It is extremely hard to raise a bilingual child in the US. If a parent makes exceptions and speaks to the child in the majority language when they are in public, then this has a very disruptive effect on the relationship and kids will most likely start responding to the parent not in the target language. Everybody has different goals for their children's bilingualism and that is perfectly fine, but if you want your child to have a high level of fluency, you can't just switch to the community language every time you leave the house or are in public. Also, it subconsciously teaches the kids that your language is not as important or is something to be embarrassed about. We do OPOL and my DH always speaks to the kids in his language and my fam is perfectly fine with it and it really is fine. DC playgrounds - DH doesnt give a crap what people think about what language hes speaking and most people want their kid to hear him speaking his language anyway. We are in a community with lots of bilingual families and the parents that switch to English in public do not have kids kids that respond to them in their language - that is the honest truth.

Or you could just teach them that it's rude to speak in another language when you're with people who don't understand it.

You can teach manners at any age but foreign language has a limited window of native fluency. That’s what we are prioritizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Yes, if you feel a certain way that means everyone else feels the exact same way. Got it.

I’m just telling you a very common thing in bi and trilingual families.

And I'm just telling you that speaks very poorly of very common bi and trilingual families.

Why tho?

BECAUSE IT'S RUDE. You're basically saying that teaching your child to be bi or trilingual is more important to you than teaching them manners. And that speaks very poorly of bi and trilingual familes -- that they are raising rude children.

Hate to say it, but many people on this thread may not realize it's the norm to not speak in another language in front of those that don't understand it because they are from somewhere else. But that's the norm here. So now you know.

Sounds a lot like a white supremacist cultural norm to me...

There are non white people who actually have manners too, you know. The idea that only white people are educated in common courtesy is pretty racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and did with my three kids. I don’t speak to my children extensively during play dates except to offer a quick direction or two.

Yes exactly...

It is extremely hard to raise a bilingual child in the US. If a parent makes exceptions and speaks to the child in the majority language when they are in public, then this has a very disruptive effect on the relationship and kids will most likely start responding to the parent not in the target language. Everybody has different goals for their children's bilingualism and that is perfectly fine, but if you want your child to have a high level of fluency, you can't just switch to the community language every time you leave the house or are in public. Also, it subconsciously teaches the kids that your language is not as important or is something to be embarrassed about. We do OPOL and my DH always speaks to the kids in his language and my fam is perfectly fine with it and it really is fine. DC playgrounds - DH doesnt give a crap what people think about what language hes speaking and most people want their kid to hear him speaking his language anyway. We are in a community with lots of bilingual families and the parents that switch to English in public do not have kids kids that respond to them in their language - that is the honest truth.

Or you could just teach them that it's rude to speak in another language when you're with people who don't understand it.

You can teach manners at any age but foreign language has a limited window of native fluency. That’s what we are prioritizing.

Well at least you admit it. You are prioritizing "native fluency" over manners. You children will be human garbage, but they will be BILINGUAL garbage! Yay?